Less than Lovers, More than Friends
by RainandFlames
Summary: Meredith is a dark and twisty girl who may have an insatiable need for sex. When she meets Derek, the pairing only seems natural. Sex with no strings can work, right? But what happens if feelings get involved?
1. New Family

**This a a story that is really far along on my board, but I have decided to start posting it. Its a dark and very porny little story that is odd as hell. If you don't like dirty, don't read! Enjoy!**

_As I sit here in my bed, I still can't believe it. He's right here. I look down, and there he is, his dark brown curls laying on my egyptian cotton pillowcase. His deep blue eyes, covered by tired, heavy lids. He is here, in my bed. A place where boys are not allowed to sleep. A place that is saved for me. But yet, I can't make him go. And I don't want to._

_It's quite an crazy tale. A mixture of mischief and porny thoughts. And from porny thoughts, comes porny actions. It was something that was never supposed to happen. It was something that I swore I would never do. But sometimes you put your foot in the water, and you can't help but take a bath. He did that to me. He pulled me in and under. And it was worth it._

_It all started in an odd way. It wasn't him in the beginning. Life had to take just the right path, and I had to make just the right choices. I did. Took the path of most resistance you could say, because it sure as hell wasn't easy. It was a secret emotional roller coaster that was never supposed to be. And now I will tell you my story. Because It wants to be told._

Apparently I had a new cousin. Now me saying this, you would probably assume that I am saying I have a new baby in the family. Not so much. My father's sister, had adopted a child. But he isn't a child. He was a boy. A teen. A young adult. Sixteen. Too old to adopt. But she was saving him. A friend of the family, who's parents were gone. Dead. Gone. And she saved him. Saved him from the system. Saved him from himself. And now I have to deal with him.

I was nonchalant. Like I was better than him. I would show up late. At the holidays, everyone gathers to my grandparent's house. The funny thing is, this is my father's parents, and he's not around. Apparently, he found it necessary to run off with another family and leave me with my evil bitch mother. No one talked about it. Grandma was in denial. My mother didn't care. She was probably partially responsible for the downfall. So I have no dad. And no one knows where he is. And thus there is a big gray area... Which ironically is my last name. I am Meredith Grey.

They were there for three days before I showed up. I didn't need to come crawling over there giving hugs and pretending life was wonderful. It's not. In fact, I have a saying... Life blows. And not in the good way. Not in the suck your cock hard and drink you down because I like the way to taste sort of way. No, it blows more in the cock slap you until you are bruised and bloody way. And if you don't agree with that, then good for you. Obviously your life hasn't blown.

So three days. And then I show up. I walk in there like I am the boss. This kid is pissing on my territory. I am princess here. I have already talked about it. Negotiations. I actually had them. Fifty percent. He was entitled to fifty percent of what I got. If I got three hundred dollars, he would get one-fifty. Period. I got more. I am boss. I am princess.

There he was. He stuck out. Literally. Not his cock! Seriously. I swear he had glue in his hair. No. He really had glue in his hair. I know what you are thinking. It was not gel. It was Elmer's. The poor damn horse that contributed to that bottle was fucked. Now he was on a horny sixteen year old's head. He was awkward. I had to laugh. I had to. It was white, like cum. Cum in his hair. Who was he blowing?

"Hey." He said to me. Seriously... Was he really talking to me? "I'm Mark."

"I'm Meredith." I muttered as he stuck out his hand. Awesome dude. What are you, fifty?

"I heard you don't like hugs... So..." He muttered sheepishly. Who had the upper hand? I have the upper hand. He is sheepish.

My aunt came up and gave me a hug. I hate hugs. I do not like the physical touch. I have issues. I have reasons. And I don't talk about it, period. Don't like it? Too damn bad.

My family is so fucking fake it makes me sick. Everyone is happy. Do they not know that people are dying? Do they not know that life sucks? Yeah. Blows, remember? That is how my family is. Let's all be happy, pass the fucking gravy. And me, I want to splash the steaming hot goop in their face and cause burns on their flesh. Blisters. Yeah, apparently I am dark too. I forgot to mention that.

It went on like this. Let's gather around the t.v. and glue our eyes so we don't have to talk about the shit, like my father running off. Or that Mark's parents are dead. Still don't know why... Probably drowned in glue. So we sit in a haze. A Grey haze. We are so talented.

--

Mark was annoying. Damn annoying. I learned this in the days that I spent with him. I heard that boys at that age are extremely immature. I found that out first hand. Everything was I hate you. I hate you or whining. He couldn't drive because my aunt and uncle wouldn't let him while we were on vacation. That meant I got to drive him around. At first I hated it. But then it got better.

Mark was fun. Fun in a really immature way that made me act like a fool. We were stupid. We were loud. He made me into a fool. He was always screwing with me. There was something about that huge foot in my mouth that made me mean. That made me hateful and out for blood. Just what he needed. I did what I had to as his oversized body smashed mine.

"Ouch!" Mark yelled as I bit him in the arm.

"Quit being a little bitch." I laughed as I looked up at him.

"No fucking teeth!" He said quickly. "It fucking hurts."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I did it. Like I want your sock in my mouth, ass!" I spit back, only to receive glares from the family. Apparently they don't like my newfound immaturity.

I try to act normal, but something about Mark draws me in. Yeah, he's an immature little ass... But he pulls me in. I feel comfortable around him. Maybe it's because I am so busy with my responsibilities that I don't have time to have a life. I pretend I don't like him. It's my way. I know nothing else. So there I sit, pretending I don't notice him, but really wanting his attention.

"Hey... You want to go to a movie?" He asks as he looks over.

"Yeah... I guess. Whatever." I tell him with a shrug. Yes, get me away from this hell. Away from these people. He quickly walks off after we decide on a movie. Just as a drain my grandfather of all his hard earned money, my aunt walks up.

"Thanks... For going. Mark has had a rough life. He's gone through some major stuff. So thanks for going easy on him." She says with a smile.

"You owe me." I spit nastily, even though it is a complete lie. He is saving me from them.

Just as I sit back, I see him coming towards me. So apparently the glue that was in his hair was now replaced with gel. He looked like an idiot. I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish, but whatever it was, it was unsuccessful. Or at least I should hope it was.

I drove. He can't, so yay me. And that meant System of a Down so loud that I couldn't think. I couldn't hear a thing. All I could do was wait for the lights and sirens as he hung out the window and screamed at cars passing by. I couldn't help but laugh. He was freaking nuts. Apparently, blowing kisses and flirting with men in the other cars was his idea of fun. And it was even better way of almost getting his ass kicked.

When we get to the theatre, I try to keep my distance. I have never been on a date. This was not a date. This was my cousin. Even if there wasn't a drop of blood relation between us, it was still odd. I didn't want people to actually think I had anything to do with this freak show. So I stood as far away from him as he paid for our tickets. He paid. The money from grandpa... I so kept that shit. He paid, I stayed away. Yes, I am not with him. Nope. Not me.

"Popcorn?" Mark asked as he handed me the tub.

"Eh... Okay." I said quickly. Let it go straight to my ass. I was next to him. My original thought was not to sit with him. Two seats over. But then that would just be really weird.

"My friend... Fucking crazy. Once he stuck his cock in the tub of popcorn." Mark started. Oh god... Seriously? Random. Way random. Why even bring that shit up? "Through the bottom. His girlfriend reached in, started jacking him off."

"Okay. First of all, here. I think I lost my appetite." I say as I hand him the popcorn back. All of a sudden it doesn't sound good. No creamy white butter for me. Even if it does add to the saltiness. "Secondly that is such bullshit. How did he get it in there? I doubt he poked a hole with his cock. If he did, he is the man of steel, and I want to fucking meet him. He had to have had a knife or something. And that makes no sense. And I doubt if he did cut a hole in the container and stick his stupid cock in the buttery mess, that his girlfriend just jacked him off. She would have freaked. The first thought that would come to one's mind is not, "Oh, there is a cock in this tub, my boyfriend's cock, let's give him a hand job." It would be "Holy shit! What's in there?" That story is bullshit, Mark!" I spat as he I looked at him.

He looks at me like I'm nuts. Apparently he has been around my family for too long. The silent ones. They would sit there in silence. They would hear his little story and they would shake their heads like they actually heard him. They don't listen. They never listen. That is why I don't talk. And if I do, it's no mistake. I mean what I say.

"Wow." He says as he looks over at me. "You are a little nuts."

"Yeah." I say with a shrug.

"Well, that's what he told me." Mark mutters as the theatre goes dark.

The movie sucked. It sucked hairy balls. I hated it. He had knack for picking out sucky movies, I'd find out. It was supposed to be funny. It had it's occasional funny moments, but in all, it sucked. And I couldn't wait to get out of there.

When we got out from the horrible movie, we rush outside. Just as we make towards my car, he bends down. Crap. Snow. He has snow. Before I can even react, it hits me in the face. That pissed me off. Instead of fighting back, I am so much smarter. I rush to the car and jump in, locking the doors.

"What now, fucker?" I yell as I look up at him.

First he bangs on the window. I flip him off and smile. Now what does he think. He was so fucking smart... Not now. Not now. That is, until he got on my car. Oh yeah, he was jumping on my Jeep. I rolled down the window. I am going to kill him.

"Get the fuck down!" I start screaming. Nope. He doesn't. He proceeds with his stupid little game.

I'm going to kill him. I am sure of that. I quickly jump out and climb up there with him. "Get off my car."

"Come on, drive me around!" He whines as I look at him.

"No. Let's go. Off the car. Now." I yell as I glare at him.

"Nope." He laughs as he looks at me. Apparently he underestimates my size. Apparently he has no idea.

"Have it your way." I say frankly as I shove my weight into him, sending him off the roof.

"You bitch!" He yells from his new place on the ground. I can't blame him, he just fell on the hard blacktop. It may have had and inch of snow covering it. Maybe.

"Fuck you. I warned you!" I yell loudly as I look down at him.

"I can play this." He warns me as he climbs in my Jeep. Before I can even get down, the car is started and he is driving. I grab onto the roof rack and start screaming.

"I'm going to die, you mother fucker!" I yell loudly. I could die. I really could. He is doing donuts in the snow. People are gone. No one is around to save me. I scream loudly. But then it hits me. This is fun. Really fun. "Faster!" I yell loudly. If I am going to die, this is the way.

We took turns. Yep. Its a game. I do not recommend it. It doesn't always end well. Luckily ours does. But it was fun. He does that. He makes me do crazy things. For the first time in awhile, I am having fun. We finally stop. Its late. Really late. We really should go back.

"So... What do you want to do next?" He asks with a grin. So much trouble, so little time.

--

Sometimes, you just want to drive. You just want to avoid the world. Especially at night, it's easy, less traffic, less confusion. So we drove, looking for somewhere to go. Something to do. I liked my time with him. The other side of my crazy family was actually getting jealous of the fun I was having. Mind you, I did not speak of said fun. Nor did I give them details. They did that. They wanted me all to themselves. I mean, who doesn't want constant negativity and cruelty in their lives?

I was counting down the days until he went home. Christmas went well. He did get fifty percent. Everyone knew better than to mess with me on those grounds. The sad thing was, he really appreciated everything he got. Me, I toss it aside, "Where is the next?" But Mark wanted his things. He appreciated it all. He was happy to be accepted. And as much as I hated to admit it, I was accepting him.

"How about here?" I ask him as we pull into a late night diner.

"Sounds good, I'm hungry." Mark agrees with a nod as I stopped the car.

We sit down across from each other. It's getting more comfortable. I am not as self conscious about people wondering about us. I realized that people didn't care. Why would they? Admittedly, I have issues. And at this moment, I am not changing. I am embracing those issues. I like pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body.

"So what are you having?" I ask as I look across the table at him.

"I don't know... I wanted mexican." He whines as he looks into my eyes.

"Well, you could have told me that before I came here. You said this was fine." I told him frankly. "We are here now. I think I am going to have a burger."

"Yeah, that sounds good." He agrees as he looks at the menu. "Bacon cheeseburger."

"I like my steaks medium-rare. But burgers, they need to be well done. They are all squished up and processed. Not a solid piece of meat, you know?" I ask as I look up.

"Uh huh..." He mutters as he looked at his menu.

The waitress comes, and we order. He orders a burger. Rare. He obviously did not listen to my whole statement. Typical boy. Typical not listening boy. I hope he enjoys his raw cow parts on a bun. He was trying to impress me. He was trying to be like me. He wanted me to like him. That way he too could stay away from the bore-fest. He liked me. I could tell.

"So... Your mom and dad are dead." I say frankly. Way to be compassionate. That's me.

"Yeah." He mutters. It stings. I can see it in his light blue eyes.

"That sucks. Sorry." I say nicely. "Life really sucks."

"I'm- It's okay." He tells me as he draws in a breath.

"My mom is never around. She's a surgeon, but that is all she cares about. She used to want my to follow in her footsteps. Now she has given up on me. I am a disappointment. I haven't seen her in months. It was Christmas, and I didn't see her. And my dad, well, he's off with his other family." I offer up as I look at him.

"Sorry." He mutters, softly and genuinely.

"So was it rough?" I ask him as I look across the table.

"Yeah. It was like one day I had parents. The next day they were gone." He explains. "I slit my wrists. I tried to kill myself." He tells me quickly. He too is dark. There is more to him than meets the eye.

"Did you do it the right way?" I ask as I sip my soda. Who asks that? Me. Dark and twisty Meredith asks that.

"Along the vein. Vertically... Yeah." He tells me as he shows me his wrists.

"If your gonna do it-" I start.

"Do it right." He finishes with me.

"Yeah." I mutter as I look into his somewhat sad eyes. No wonder he is immature. He is just as fucked as I am. "My life is fucked to. I have issues. Shit's happened." I explain. I can't open up. But I can make an offer to him. I can let him see that he isn't the only one. I have skeletons too.

The waitress comes up and brings his burger. It is well done. I think she thought he was joking. Or she screwed up the order. Either way, he looked relieved. We drifted somewhat away from the dark and twisty conversation. We needed to. But we were a reflection of fucked up pasts. Before we leave, I pay the bill. Just one small offering. We are kindred spirits. I like him. I really do.

--

I have horses. I think it was something my mom encouraged me to do, just to get rid of me. She could dump me off at the farm, and forget about me. I mean, I like them, I love them. But it's a huge responsibility. And now I have them. And to add even more joy, I get to take care of them. It's go to school and take care of them. My mom doesn't care about where I am at, or what I am doing. She pays the bills and forgets I am even alive.

Mark wanted to go with me. Why, I'm not really sure. But he said to wake him up. Any means necessary. That was really the wrong thing to say. I look up at the clock. It's time. It's eight already. I should have been up earlier, but I was already up all night. I quickly get myself ready and walk into Mark's room.

"Oh my god..." I mutter as I begin laughing. Mark is in the bed, completely uncovered, with his balls in his hands. Under his boxers, but definitely some ball-hand action going on. I walk up to the bed and kick the mattress. "Hey... Mark. Get up." I say loudly as I look down at him. Any means necessary. He is a deep sleeper.

I chuckle to myself. If he knew how I really was, he would have never said that. I rushed up the stairs and into the kitchen. My grandma is already muttering something about breakfast. She has this need to feed everyone. Everyone. It doesn't matter who it is. She must feed. And I must ignore. I quickly grabbed as much ice as I could handle and trotted back down the stairs. I placed the ice on he bed and winced. Good fun to be had. With one hand I lift the boxers, the other, the ice. I close my eyes and throw it in.

"Ahhh!" He yelled loudly as he jumped up. "What the fuck?" He screams as he jumps around, attempting to get it out.

"You said any means. I tried for twenty-minutes." I lie as I look at him.

"I didn't mean that. Not ice! Messing with a guy's package could get you killed, you know." He warned me as I stood there.

"Eh... It was worth it. Besides, I closed my eyes. I was afraid I would pass out at the freakishly small sized manhood you have." I giggle as I looked at him.

"Funny. It's not small. Not by any means." He says frankly.

I'd imagine he is right. I will admit it. I look. I want to know. Just short of walking up and asking someone how big their cock is, I try to figure it out. Mark's a big guy. I didn't want that cock. Even if we are not really related, he was becoming friend and family. But that didn't mean I didn't take a little look. It's big, I'm sure of it. How big, I will never know.

"Yeah... Like I care. Come on, we have to go." I tell him frankly as I look towards the door.

"I just got up." He whines as he pulls a shirt over his head.

"And I care. Look, you wanted to go. The horses want to eat. Let's go." I tell him quickly as I start to walk away.

"So horses come first?" He asks loudly.

"Of course horses come first. They can't feed themselves, and they are waiting on me." I tell him as I push his door shut.

I march up the stairs. I know he is on my tail. He follows me like a puppy. I pounced on him, I am the boss. I am the alpha mare. I am the bitch. I win. And here he comes, I can hear his big dumb ass following me up. We walk through the kitchen and I see grandma ready to serve.

"Ready for breakfast? She asks softly.

"Nope. Have to go to the barn." I spit as I walk off.

"No breakfast?" Mark whined as he looked up and followed.

"No." I grumble as I continue to the door and pull on my boots.

"Here, get yourself something." Grandma tells Mark as she hands over a twenty dollar bill.

"Thanks, grandma." Mark said with a smile.

Whoa there. What the hell was that? Grandma. No. She is my grandma. We just picked him up alongside the road. He can't come in here and call her grandma. What the hell was that? Ah, that just makes me mad. I clench my jaw as I look at him. At least he is only entitled to fifty-perfect. Haha, sucker.

"Whoa! Grandma?" I ask him quickly.

"Well, yeah... She is my grandma too." Mark tells me with a nod.

"No. No, she is not. They are not. You are an extra." I mutter as I look up. "You can't wear those." I said with a chuckle as I look at him pulling on his tennis shoes.

"Why not?" He asks as he looks at me.

"Are you freaking kidding me? Have you looked outside? There is four inches of snow out there. Whatever. Freeze. I don't care." I mutter as we walk outside. "Besides, your feet are so big, it's like you have snow shoes on anyway. Skis..." I laugh as I start the car. "Clean the car off." I tell him as I throw him the ice scraper. He takes it and goes to work. Now this is fun. My own slave.

"So how many horses do you have?" Mark asks as we drive down the road.

"Two. But my friend Izzie, has one there too." I explain as we go along.

"So you've had horses for a long time?" He asks as he looks over.

"I have been riding since I was seven." I tell him as I look over.

"You come out here everyday?" He questions quickly.

"Twice a day." I mutter as we near.

This would be fun. I was convinced that this would be the most fun I had ever had. Or the most torture put on another person from my hand. I pull up into the snowy mess. And it is. The four inches that has been dumped on us is no fun. Mark looks around with a frown on his face. I'm not really sure what he expected, but I have a feeling this was not it.

"Here." I tell him as I hand him a muck rake. "Start cleaning."

"Are you kidding me?" He asks as he looks into my eyes.

"Does it look like I am?" I growl as I put my hands on my hips.

"I'll get shit on my shoes." He whines as he looks down.

"Waa... I have to feed. And watch that one, he kicks." I lie as I walk away with a smile on my face.

"It's okay, horsey..." I hear him saying. "Just don't kick me."

I go on with my work, making sure that he does his own. I quickly let the horses out and began helping clean the stalls. He cannot do it. He has absolutely no skills. But the fun has just begun. I walk over and take the rake out of his hand.

"What?" He asks as he looks at me.

"You suck at this. I need you to fill my trough." He begins to laugh. "I did not mean that in a porny way! See that five gallon bucket... Start filling." I say quickly.

"Where is it?" He asks as he flips the water hydrant on.

"On the west side of the barn." I mutter as I turn my head and silently chuckle to myself. It wasn't long before he comes back in in a huff. "What's wrong?" I ask with a giggle.

"The fucking fence shocked me! And that thing... It's huge!" He spits out.

"Just 150 gallons. It won't take any time at all." I tell him frankly.

"30 trips! Don't you have a hose?" He asks as he looks at the hose before him.

"It's frozen. Get to work." I demand as I look at the bucket in his hand. "And it cuts down on time, if you fill another while you are dumping."

"He grumbles before he gets to work. The crazy thing is, he is doing it. If it were me, it would be a simple fuck off, do it yourself. But he goes to work, And he continues to work. He fills all 150 gallons. Then I put him to work dumping the wheelbarrows of manure. Just a quick 200 yard trek through the rutty, four inch with snow deep land to the manure pile. I watch as he makes the three trips, falling all over the place, almost breaking his leg. So much fun.

"Can we go?" Mark asks as he walks out of the wind, and into the barn. "Please?"

"Yeah, we can go." I agree as I let him lead the way. Then it hits me. It's the bit of evil in my veins. The devil within. I grab the five and a half foot lunge whip, with the six foot lash. I can't help it. I raise it up and crack it on his leg. I know it stings, but it won't kill him.

"What the fuck!" He yells as I continue to beat him. It really shouldn't be this much fun, but damn-it if it isn't. "That's it!"

"Hey!" I yell as he runs after me, chasing me down the aisle, somehow tacking me to the ground. We wrestle around for awhile. I have to. He is the best way to get out my frustrations. He quickly rips it from my hand and gives me several good cracks. I really shouldn't enjoy it. But I do. I like a little pain with my pleasure. I would find that out later.

_And that was how it was. That was my first introduction to my new cousin. He was immature, but apparently, so was I. He was fun. He was adventurous. He was kind to me, even when I treated him like shit. He made me remember what it was to be a kid, even when I missed my own childhood. _

_I'll never admit it, but when he left, I was sad. I knew I would miss him. And I did. It was like a void in my life. All the fun and torture was gone. The beatings and the wrestling. I would miss it. But that wasn't the point of the story. Mark was just an avenue to the prize. I would see Mark again in the summer. I would see him when I went to his house. And there I would meet him._

_Him? He is the man next to me. That man that has taken me over. The man that has changed everything. He makes me look at life a little differently. He makes me feel things I never felt. The tingle in my core. The burning desire of that thick cock buried deep inside. He has the ability to make me scream his name as I claw his back. He make me cum at a touch. That is the one I speak of._

_"What are you doing?" Derek asks as I type frantically._

_"Uh, nothing." I tell him as I glance over._

_"And what do you want to do?" He asks as he runs his hand over my bare thigh. The touch of his soft, strong hand takes me over. I gasp as he feathers his fingers over my wet mound. Shit. This is what he does. I spread my legs for him. I need him like air. "This?" He asks as he sticks his fingers under my panties and tickles my clit._

_Uh... I think I have to go... Wouldn't you like to know!_


	2. Vacation

I am an only child. Well, as far as I know. See, my mom is a surgeon, as I said before. My dad couldn't deal with her. If she wasn't being nasty and hateful, one would assume that she wasn't alive. So he left. I don't really remember it. I was around six years old, I'd say. My mom was convinced there was another woman. And one would assume there was, considering he moved out of state and found a new family. So he left me with her, and that is the most cruel thing he could have done to me. I would have been better off raised by dogs.

See, my grandmother, his mother, is one of the nicest people in the world. She choses to live in denial that her son ran off and lost contact with the world. She pretends that everything is great, and everyone is happy. She is my only grandmother, seeing as the pack of wolves my mom came from are all dead and gone. I'll never know if they were as rotten as she. I love grandma, but she is almost too bright and shiny. It kind of gags me. But I deal.

My dad has a sister. That is where my aunt comes in. Aunt Claire lives out of state. She has her own issues, but she is better off than my dad. She was the golden child. My grandparents think she can do no wrong. When I was little, in the back of my head, I always wondered if she would have kids. She never did. And never had a person been more thankful than I. I was used to getting things. I was used to being the center of attention. And if she had a kid, well it would be like knocking me out of the running for the thrown. That's how I was. I still am, a little. But that was when I was normal. When I was a bright and shiny normal kid. That was before. Before I turned dark.

When I first heard about Mark, I was concerned. I was concerned that he would move in on my turf. Luckily, I realized that wasn't an issue. It wasn't even close to an issue. Mark was dark and twisty like me, but definitely not so selfish. That is the difference between growing up privileged and growing up poor. I didn't appreciate, and he did.

I'm not happy. Well, I'm happy. But I'm not happy. That seems to be the way I am. Hot and cold, I guess you could say. I don't get joy in a lot of things. Even fun for me, isn't fun. I'm just not sure how to have fun. Occasionally, I melt. But generally, I stay frozen. It's easier that way. You don't get hurt.

I'm in the car with my grandparents. This means I am in a fog. A literal cigarette smoke fog. I think this is part of the reason why my mom hates my grandparents. She's a doctor, they are making their lungs black. All of that fun stuff. We are going to my aunt's house. See, my Aunt Claire, for all of my life had come to see me on my birthday. She would take off a week, and come just to see me. Well this summer, we were going to her house. I can't help but be a little excited, seeing as this is where Mark lives. And my life for the past six months had been far too Mark-free.

"Are we there yet?" I ask, typical of a small child, which I truly am not.

"Does it look like we are there?" My grandfather asked as he looked at me in the rearview mirror.

"No." I grumble as I fumble with the buttons on my iPod.

"Do you want a snack or a drink?" My grandma asks as she looks back.

"I am fine. Not everyone has to eat every five minutes." I snap. I do that a lot. Too much. I am mean. I do snap. That is what happens when people let you walk all over them your whole life. They did it with their kids, and apparently I am following suit.

"Well, if you need something, here it is." She said as she handed me a bag of snacks.

"Thanks." I mumble before I turn the music up as loud as it will go and I drown out the world.

I stay silent. See, there once was a time when the words poured out and never stopped. They said I was the most talkative person in the world. I would talk nonstop to anyone. But life changes, and things change you to your depths. I don't talk. I talk a lot in my head. There it pours angrily and nastily. But generally I don't talk unless need be. And I don't say something unless I mean it. I have learned from listening to people, that they say some of the stupidest shit you have ever heard. Nonstop talking is annoying and needless. I have nothing to say. I keep my face straight, my jaw clenched.

I must have fallen asleep, because before I know it, we are in the middle of nowhere. Farm fields as far as my eyes can see. The houses get farther and farther apart. I am somewhat used to it, but I live in a large city. I just drive outside of the city, and I can see the same thing I am seeing here. But here it just seems more cut off than anywhere else.

My grandfather pulls the car into the driveway. I've only been here once, and it seems like ages ago. I barely remember it. I'm not even sure what to expect being here. I'm not sure whether everything will be the same. I'm not sure if Mark will be the same, or if everything will have changed. As we pile out of the car I grab my bags, I'm staying here. My grandparents are staying at the hotel.

We hug, and I hate that. I hate the touch. It makes my uncomfortable. It's hard to believe, but I actually find it somewhat painful. I do it. I suffer through it for a rare few, and this side of the freak show definitely warrants a damn hug.

"I'm glad you're here." Aunt Claire says with a smile as she hugs me tightly.

"Me too." I mutter as I roll my eyes and pull away.

"Upstairs... Third room on the right." She says as she points up the stairs.

I take my bags and run up to the room. Part of me wants to just lay there alone. I love being alone. Being alone to me is a gift. It's one of the rare times where there is no bullshit. No lies. No fake emotions. Just me and my sick little thoughts. I wish I wasn't dark. But I don't know how to pull myself out.

Mark's bedroom is at the end of the hall. Just as I walk out of my room, I look up in that direction. My heart stopped. Or maybe it began to beat so fast, it felt like it had stopped. My eyes met the most amazing blue ones I had ever seen. His dark curls sat perfectly on his head. His jeans hung on his hips. I have to look. I am a cock looker. Just looking at him, I know he is gifted. All I want is his naked body over mine, him filling me with that generous cock that he posses. A smile covers my face. I never smile. But this fine piece of ass warrants a smile. This trip was looking like it could be so much fun.

"Hi..." Mark says with a smile as he looks up at me.

"Hey." I say softly as I look into his eyes.

"Oh... This is my friend, Derek. Derek, this is my cousin, Meredith." Mark explains as he points back and forth.

"Nice to meet you." Derek says with a grin.

Oh god... His mouth. I can feel those teeth on my flesh. I want him to bite my ass. I want him to leave teeth marks on me. I want that tongue in my mouth. Now I am sounding like a whore. I am not a whore. I'm not even close to a whore. But that doesn't mean that I don't want that hard cock inside of me as I scream his name. Derek, Derek...Oh God, Derek!

"You too." I return with a smile as I look at him.

"So what are you doing?" Mark asked me as I stood there, unsure if I could move away from the man candy before me.

"Uh... Nothing." I mutter as I stood there.

"Well... We should do something." Derek suggests quickly.

"Oh yeah... There is so much to do around here." I say as I roll my eyes and walk away.

"She seems like a pain in the ass." I hear Derek muse as I walk away.

"She's cool..." Mark tells him as they follow me down the stairs.

They are following me. The funny thing is, I would follow that guy around anywhere. I am a horny toad. Yep. I like sex. Funny thing is, I have not had it much. Not at all. But I get by. Just because you aren't getting it, doesn't mean you forget what it is. I'm not a whore. I don't just spread my legs for anyone. But this guy, I just might think about it. One can think. That doesn't mean I would do.

"Dinner is almost ready." I hear my aunt say as I step off the last stair.

"All we do is eat." I mutter under my breath as I walk into the kitchen.

"Derek, are you staying?" My aunt Claire asks as she looks over at him.

"I can." Derek says with a nod.

"Good. We'd love to have you." Claire says with a smile as she begins putting food on the table.

"So, Meredith..." Derek says as he sits across the table from me.

"What?" I snap as I look at him. I seriously have to stop that snapping shit. I know it. But it's me.

"I was wondering what you did... College? Work?" He asks me as he looks at me.

"Oh. I go to school. Majoring in human biology..." I tell him as I sip my water.

"Me too!" He said exuberantly. "I'd like to be a surgeon..."

"Oh." I say with a sigh. I don't care. I really do not care what this guy is doing with his life. I have my own problems.

I can't stop looking at him. I want to stop, but I can't. He's there. He's hot. And I do want him. But I have that whole hard ass I don't need anyone persona. And I don't need anyone. I have found from the past that counting on people just gets you hurt. And I don't need anyone. And I have to look out for myself. If I don't, no one else would.

As I sit there, our eyes meet. There is something about his blue eyes that draw me in. I have to look away. It scares the shit out of me. It's like he can see into my soul. I don't want him to see what is inside of me. If he saw it, I don't know how he would react. Maybe I am giving him too much credit. He's just a guy. Another worthless guy.

"So Derek, when do you go back?" My uncle asked as he looked over at Mark.

"Next week. I'm stuck home until then." Derek said frankly.

"Well, I'm sure your mom will be happy about that." My uncle pointed out.

"Yeah, I'm sure she is." Derek said with a nod.

"So what are we doing tonight?" Mark asks as he looks around.

"We don't have anything planned." My aunt says quickly. "But Derek, you are welcome to stick around if you want."

--

I was exhausted. I'm not really sure why, considering all I did was sit in a car all day. Maybe that was it. I don't like to sit around. I like to be moving. And being cramped in that smoke filled car was too much. As I look at the ceiling, I decide I should take a shower. I cannot sleep dirty. Not even close. I would lay there, thinking about my own filth.

I let out a yawn as I look around. This is somewhat of a bore-fest, I am figuring out. Mark and Derek ran off after dinner, and didn't even ask me if I wanted to go. Not that I did. I did not. Or so I told myself. I did want to go. Oh well. I quickly walk over to my bags and unzip.

"Shit..." I mutter as I look down.

This was not my bag. I had two. I quickly open the other, and that one is mine. Of course that is the one with my day clothes, jeans, shirts. All of that. I look through the other in deisbielef. Old woman's clothes. Definitely grandma's. White cotton briefs. Bras. A-sized cup. That would never work. Not that I would even consider wear her intimate apparel. Not even close. Ever!

I sigh as I pull out the spare pair of pajama pants, that didn't fit in the other bag and a heavy white cotton baby doll tee. It doesn't really matter, considering I will be showering and going to bed. I guess I will just go without a bra and panties, and pray to god that there is no fire. I could wear the dirty panties, but quite honestly, it grosses me out. And the bra, it is new and the damn wire had started battle on my right boob. That's what you get for buying a cheap one, I guess. But it was cute. I learned my lesson.

The shower is welcoming. I love being in the shower. My aunt and uncle were already asleep, grandma and grandpa went to the hotel, and Mark never came back. I was actually glad to have some alone time. As I pulled myself out of the shower, I pull on my clothes. I thought I heard something, but I remember my uncle is sometimes up and down during the night.

As I walk out of the bathroom, my wet hair all wild, I walk into a crowd. Not really a crowd. Four boys. Mark, Derek, and two others all standing around, getting drinks and snacks. Maybe I can creep along the wall and disappear.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Mark asks as he looks up.

"Uh.. Bed." I tell him quickly.

"You're no fun." Derek spits.

"Play cards with us!" Mark tells me quickly. "Come on... Play." I draw in a deep breath.

"Yeah. Sure... Okay." I say as I throw my dirty clothes and bag on the chair and walk into the dining room.

"This is Sam, and that is Jeff." Mark explains quickly. "This is my cousin, Mer."

"Hey." We all say as I stand there.

"So what are we playing?" I ask as I sit down.

It has not escaped my mind as I sit there. I am in pajamas with nothing underneath. I am a bra wearer. Even at night. This is something about the girls swinging freely that bothers me. I do not like it. Not one bit. But people do it all the time. I can do this. I can sit here with nothing underneath.

"Poker." Derek says with a smile. "You know how?"

"Do I look like an idiot?" I ask frankly.

"She knows." Mark says with a sigh. "She knows how to play."

They deal out the cards and start laughing and joking around. I just listen and roll my eyes. Immature boys. A whole group of them. I eye them up, secretly wondering. Well, I think you know what I was wondering. I was wondering about penis. I do. All the time. I've only had a couple. But I can appreciate it.

"So Tyra... She's pretty damn hot, Mark." Sam says quickly. "I think she wants you."

"Eh.. Maybe." Mark says with a smile.

"Are you hitting that?" Jeff asked in shock.

"No." Mark says quickly.

"Oh come on... Give us details. You are fucking lying!" Sam spits. "Fuck... I need some."

"You guys are fucking pathetic." I groan as I look up.

"Oh yeah... And you aren't." Mark says quickly. "She has the dirtiest fucking mind... Everything is a cock."

"Do you now?" Derek asks with raised brows.

"She does." Mark laughs.

"I do not!" I spit as I look up.

"Bullshit." Mark laughs.

"Eh... She's just jealous." Sam pipes up. "Probably isn't getting any."

"You're probably right..." Jeff laughs, purposely making trouble.

"Fuck you guys." I said quickly as I glare at them.

"Well, I am definitely getting some." Sam says with a smile.

"Fuck you... Lucky fucker." Derek says with a laugh. "Rub it in."

"It's not all sex." I can't believe I just said that. I don't even know where it came from. I do not think that way.

"Spoken like a woman." Jeff laughs as he looks up.

"Go to hell." I growl. "I just mean- Fuck it. Whatever."

"So how long has it been for you, Mark?" Derek asks with a chuckle.

"I don't want to talk about it." Mark tells him firmly.

"Yep... That long, huh?" Derek said with a chuckle.

"Not as long as Mer..." Mark said, throwing it back at me.

"I bet you would get a good fuck, if you would keep your mouth shut!" Jeff laughed at me. "Actually, someone could just tape your mouth shut... That could work."

"No one wants her pussy. She's too damn rotten." Mark laughs as he looks over. "Rotten pussy."

"Asshole!" I spit as I crack him in the back of the head. "Fucking asshole!" I yell as I hit him in the arm.

"See." Sam laughs. "I knew it was true..."

"Man, you just let a chick beat your ass." Jeff laughed loudly.

"This thing? Yeah right." He said as he shoved me.

"Oh... You're going to do that huh? Pretend you are a man in front of your friends!" I spit as I shove him off his chair.

"Oh yeah... Fighting words!" Sam laughs.

"Man... You are asking for it, Mer." Mark warned as he looked up at me.

"I could take you, Pussy!" I spit as I laugh at him.

"She's just a stick." Derek laughs.

"She is. Just a stick with boobs. Little boobs. And her poisonous pussy." Mark laughs.

"Oh!" I growled as I jumped out of my chair. "Mark, you little bitch! Keep your mouth shut!" I spit as I rush towards him and pummel him. "You little cock sucker!" I yell as I beat him.

"Oh my god... She's nuts!" Derek says as he looks at me, swinging my fists.

"Hey! Keep it down." My uncle yells loudly from the upstairs.

"Fuck. I was just getting started." I whine as I look up.

"That was a joke. Is that all you have?" He asks with a laugh.

"I could take your little pussy ass." I tell him frankly.

"Then let's go... Outside." Mark tells me frankly.

"Okay." I say with a smirk.

"Oh man... This should be good." Derek says with a smile.

"Seriously?" Mark asks as he looks up at me. Not that we haven't done this a dozen times before, out in the snow.

"Yeah." I say sarcastically as I point to the door. "Go!"

There is something about a girl fighting that makes guys nuts. I swear the noise level shot up as soon as I agreed. I'm not sure what they were hoping for, obviously Mark wasn't going to beat the crap out of me. But it would be good. It always was.

Mark rushed out the door, followed by the guys. One thing Mark had apparently forgotten was that I don't play fair. Not even close. I never have. I was that annoying kid that would fake injury, and get you when you were vulnerable and worried about me. I would say time, and then un-time, and get you. At at this point, I wasn't going to change that. It didn't take long for me to make my move. See, he's bigger than me, and I have to get him down. If I can get him down, generally by knocking out his knees, I will.

I ran out the back door. Apparently I was born in a barn, because I didn't even bother shutting the door. I had to get my sneak attack it while the getting was good. It was fast. Off the step, I lunged. Mid-air. That is the only way to do it. I smile crosses my face as I land on his back, my arms around his neck and shoulders.

"Holy shit!" Derek yells as he sees Mark spinning wildly, trying to get me off.

"How do you like that?" I ask as I reach down and squeeze his nipples.

I have a thing for man nipples a huge thing. I love them. Love them. Love to suck them. Love to bite them. Love to lick them. And when I'm mad, I love to use them to my advantage.

"What the fuck, Mer?" Mark yells, now angry.

"What's the matter, Marky?" I giggle as she continue my torture tactics, biting him gently in the shoulder.

"You are going down, Mer!" He yells as he attempts to get me off his back my flailing. By this time, the guys are laughing hysterically at the display. "Yep, down."

"Whatever, pussy!" I yell in his ear.

That must have pissed him off. Pissed him off royal. I could see it coming. The tree. I think he is going to rub me off on the tree. Panic washes over me. I do not want to become one with a tree. I kick him, behind the legs and down he goes like a redwood tree, face in the dirt. My arms get smashed by his body weight, but it is worth is. I am still on his back, in control.

The thing is, Mark outweighs me. He way outweighs me. As I pinch and punch him, seriously getting some good hits in, he flips me off. I'm fast, and somehow get back on him, straddling him with my body. But he does it. Flips me around and gets my arms behind my back. Now I am screwed.

"Grab her, Der." I hear him say. "Let's go out there."

Next thing I know, I am over Derek's shoulder. Ass in the air, half by body over, head by his ass, over the shoulder. Vulnerable. Maybe I shouldn't have put myself in this position. Maybe this was a bad Idea. That is me, act, then think. But at least I got a few good hits in.

Mark begins laughing. They are all laughing. They got me, and they got me good. Derek has a firm hold on my legs, so I can't kick him. He must have known better. But I still use my free hands to pinch and smack his back.

"You're a little feisty, huh, Mer?" Derek asks with a smile.

"She is." Mark agrees as he wallops me on the ass with his hand. "Let's go, guys."

They begin running. Derek is running with me over his shoulder. I quit beating. It is doing absolutely no good. It was like the man has no idea I am there. I am a fly. A gnat. He is a barbaric bastard. The whole time they taunt me, I can only wonder where the hell we are going.

It's dark out. And unless you have been out in the middle of nowhere, you have no idea what that means. When I say dark. I mean black. You can't even see your own hands. And they are running. With me. I hear sounds. Bugs. I hate bugs. Bugs. Snakes maybe. They scare the hell out of me. Then I hear wood. Possibly water. Now I am a little scared.

"Oh this is good!" Sam yells as he laughs.

"You thought you were so tough, you little shit." Jeff yells as he looks at me. Well, I would assume. I can't see him. The nerve. I am older than him.

"Fuck you. Fuck all of you!" I yell angrily.

"Nope. I think it is you who will be fucked." Derek says with a laugh. What does that mean? "Here?" He asks Mark.

"Yep." Mark agrees with a chuckle. "Let's go."

That was it. They dumped me. They literally sat me down and ran off. I could only imagine where they were going, by the sound. I couldn't see anything. No lights. No people. They ran. They left me. I sit there for a second and look around. Then it hits me. I have no idea where I am.

"Get back here, you assholes!" I yell as I jump up.

Coyotes, bears, snakes. Holy crap. I have to get out of here. Opossum. They scare the shit out of me. In a panic, I run in the direction I heard them go in. The ground is halfway flat, which is good. I stumble here and there as I run in a panic, swearing I can hear the sounds of the possum's giant teeth ready to snap.

I am making headway. I run faster and harder. I think I see the lights of the house. Just as I am gaining speed and confidence, it got me. No earth. The earth, it disappeared. I stumble. Splash. Shit! Ouch! I am in the fucking water. The wood I heard. I was a bridge. A bridge and I missed it. I want to cry as I pull myself up. It hurts. I must have hit some rocks. I climb up the small bank. The tears want to come, but I will never let them see me cry. Maybe I could cry halfway and then suck it up when I get near. No, they would see the red eyes. Those little bastards. I hate them. I hate them all.

I walked for what seems like forever. I jogged a little, but I hurt. And I am tired. I see the lights of the house as I near. I'm sure they are all laughing their asses off. I walk through the door, still dripping slightly. As I walk in, they all look at me and laugh. I glare and clench my teeth.

"That happened to you?" Jeff asks as he begins to laugh.

"I fell in that creek, you stupid hicks!" I yell loudly as I look at them.

They all laugh harder. But then I realize, they are looking at me. Looking at me. Holy shit! White tee. Wet. Fuck. I look down, yep, you can see the girls, and they are making their presence known. Nice rosy nipples shown to the world. The horny shits are looking at my chest. Oh god, the faded light blue pants aren't helping matters as I look down at them. I am sure they see bush.

"Fuck you!" Is the only thing I can get out as I try to cover my womanhood up. "You are all assholes!" I shout as I walk to the bathroom. Whistling. Yep, they are whistling. Sexy whistling.

"Hey baby!" They taunt as I rush off.

"Mer! I'm sorry, it was a joke." Mark yells as he he watches me walk away.

"You're not sorry..." Derek laughs.

"You're right. I'm not. That was fucking fun." Mark laughs as they all sit down.

I look in the mirror. Dirt and leaves, all over me. I shake my head as I look at myself. I take a quickly shower, the water stinging the tiny cuts on my bruised body. I took and assault out there in the middle of no where. As I stand in the tub, I cry. Why, I'm not sure. I am not a crier. Ever! But I was embarrassed. And most of all, I lost the fight.

I wrapped a big towel around me and rushed up the stairs. I know they saw my skinny legs. I know they watched me. I don't care. I hate them. I don't even have anything to wear. I pull on jeans and a tee shirt and climb under the covers. Derek was hot. But I saw him for what he really was. A jerk. And now, I hate them all. And to think, I wanted to spread my legs for him. In his dreams. He will never taste this pussy. Not now. Not ever./i

iI lay in my bed. There are not even words to describe how angry I am. See me, I'm not emotional. And I am definitely not sentimental. I am hard. I have been conditioned to be hard. And I like it. I like it because it is that protective shell that keeps me from being hurt. I can cut things off and pretned they never exsisted. It helps me bear. And bearing can be so hard.

As I lay there, the wheels start to spin. They do that. They spin madly. I have to admit, I am quite the vengeful person. Rarely do I let things pass me by. Some people believe in karma. I believe in instant karma. I want to see it. And not only do I want to see it, but I want them to know why and where it was coming from. So as I lay there, the ideas run through my head. I don't have much time. I'm not sure how long the guys will be up, but I know I have to strike soon.

As I creep out of the room, I hear that they have now retired to Mark's room. And by they, I mean Derek and Mark. The others had apparently left already. I slowly make my way down the stairs. I have to be quiet, because the things creak loudly. I soon realize that I have to spread my legs and walk on the sides of the steps near the wall.

My uncle cooks. I know this. I quickly flip on the light and look around. A smile covers my face when I see it. Cayenne pepper. I have a new found love for cayenne pepper. I quickly grab the bottle and go to walk off. Then I see it. The money shot. Fresh chili peppers. So much better. I sit the cayenne back down and looked around the kitchen for gloves. I can't find any, so I grab large Ziploc bags and cover my hands. So sweet, revenge can be.

Mark runs occasionally in the morning. He has a water bottle in the refrigerator. He always has it ready. Occasionally, he puts electrolytes in it from the health shop. Well tomorrow, he would get a hot surprise. I press as much juice out of the pepper as I can, and I realize it is only a few drops. I sigh and decide to throw the pepper seeds inside. An evil grin covers my face. But this isn't all.

I chop the chili peppers up as fine as I can. Mush. I made it into mush. I make my way to the bathroom. Ax. He likes Ax bodywash. To me, it is way too much, and quite frankly I think it smells like ass. I pop the top off and slide the mush in. I shake it up as hard as I can. Hopefully by morning it will be ripe and ready to burn the skin right off of his body.

Now to Derek. I don't know him well. Not well at all. I want to torture him, but I'm not really sure how to do it. I look at his car. I could flatten the tires, but then I would be stuck with him here, and I definitely don't want that. Something stinky would work well. But I really don't want him to know what I have done. Eh, whatever. They will know, so what is the difference. I look at the cork board by the door. Tacks. Tacks in the shoes always worked well.

I can hear someone coming down the stairs. I throw the tacks in his shoes in a panic. I quickly run to the basement door. As I run in, I nearly fall down the steps. I hide inside, leaving it open just a crack. I need to see this. They have no idea that I am here. And I can't let them know. I wait.

"Why the hell is the light on?" Mark asks as he walks in.

"The dumb asses probably left it on when they left." Derek said quickly.

"Probably." Mark agreed.

"So tonight... That was the funniest shit I have ever seen. I thought for sure she was going to cry." Derek told him with a smile.

"Mer doesn't cry." Mark says frankly. "I have never seen her cry."

"Well, I'd say if she doesn't cry after that, she never will." Derek laughs. "It was fun." Derek says with a nod as he slides his shoes on. "What the fuck!" He spits as his toes hit the tacks.

"What?" Mark asks quickly.

"Son of a bitch!" He shouts as he pulls his foot out, tacks embedded firmly into his toes.

"Whoa." Mark says as he looks down.

"That little troll!" Derek shouts as he looks towards the stairs.

"It wasn't her. I bet it was Sam and Jeff. She's probably asleep by now." Mark said with a shrug. "I think she was way too embarrassed to come back down here."

"You're probably right. Assholes." Derek spits as he pours the tacks onto the table. "Wonder what else is waiting for me?"

"Guess you'll find out. Later." Mark says with a laugh as he walks away.

"Yeah." Derek mutters as he walks out.

I hear Mark disappear. The steps creak loudly as his weight hits them. I let out a sigh when I see Derek's headlights pull out. Mark's door clicks shut loudly. At least I got away without being caught. I make my way back up the stairs silently. I can sleep easy now. I got my revenge.

_I had no idea what would come of my actions. And that day, I had been so mad at him, it didn't matter. I realized, not that I didn't already know, that boys in packs are trouble. They got me down. They had gotten me good. But as I look over, I know it is I that one the war. I won the war because here he is in my bed, and he is my sex slave. But I don't think he minds._

**Please review!!**


	3. Don't Care

"Hey!" I hear loudly at my door.

Shit. It's Mark. Of course I slept too late. I never sleep too late. But I am on vacation, and this is the first time in a long time that I don't have to get up for horses. A bit of guilt washes over me. I wanted to come here, but at the same time, my friend is at home. My friend is taking care of my horses. But the thing is, I should be there. I should be there because she probably won't be there much longer. She is dying. And I should be there.

I missed it. I come back to reality, and I realize that I missed it. Mark was already up, and at my door. I wonder if he got his pleasant surprise. By the way it was sounding, the answer could very well be yes. I wanted to be there to see the look on his face. It looks like this time, I didn't.

"Go away!" I moan as I roll over and cover my head.

"I hope you're dressed." He says as he walks in.

"Naked." I say frankly from under the covers.

"Real fucking nice, Mer." Mark says as he pulls the covers off of me.

"What?" I ask as I look up, knowing very well just what he is talking about.

"I'm talking about whatever the fuck it was that you did to me!" He shouted as he shoved me.

"I didn't do shit." I tell him as I reach for the blankets.

"Oh, so that is why every part of my body is on fucking fire!" He yelled as he revealed his red eyes. "Or why it feels like someone ran a chainsaw in my throat. What the fuck was it, Mer?"

"You shouldn't have screwed with me, Mark." I tell him frankly as I look up.

"What was it?" He asks loudly. "I need to know how to get rid of it."

"Chili peppers." I finally admit with a big smile on my face.

"You are evil, Mer. I would be proud. What we did... You didn't suffer." He said as he turned as walked away.

"Whatever, Mark. I could have broken my leg." I yell at him out the door.

"But you didn't." He growled as he walked away.

I rolled my eyes. Maybe it was harsh, but it felt good. He had to know that he couldn't treat me like that and get rid of it. I start at the ceiling for awhile. I really don't want to get up. I don't have a reason to get up. It's stupid. Really stupid. Being here, stupid. I came for Mark. And he was treating me like shit. I wish I had just stayed home.

I pull my body out of bed. I know everyone has to be up by now. My aunt took the day off of work, and we were supposed to do something. But what was there to do in the middle of no where. As I come down the stairs, I see that my suspicions are right. Everyone is up and drinking coffee in the kitchen.

As I walk in, they look at me. Disgust. I can see it in their eyes. Apparently the little bitch has told everyone what I did to him. I can't believe it. I would never tell. It's like fight club. And here he went and whined to everyone.

"I cannot believe you did that, Meredith." My grandma says with disappointment.

"Did what?" I ask innocently as I stand there.

"Peppers? That was a little far, don't you think?" My grandpa spits as I look at him.

"Whatever. I can't believe you whine about it." I say to Mark as I roll my eyes.

"He had to, Meredith. He was on fire. He had no idea how to stop it. For god's sake, he could have went blind!" She shouts at me.

"Whatever." I said as she grab a bottle of water and walk outside.

I cannot get along with these people. I am nothing like them. I am dark. I can't sit in there and talk about the weather. I'm not that person. I need to be alone. I can't take them seriously when they are always happy and optimistic. I sit in the adirondack chair and lay my head back.

"That was fucking cruel." Mark says as he walks up and smacks me in the back of the head.

"Well, if you are expecting an I'm sorry... You've lost your mind." I tell him frankly.

"No. I'm not. I know you would never stoop down and apologize." Mark admits as he looks up at me.

"Good." I mutter, eyes closed.

"I'm sorry, though. I shouldn't have done it. Last night. It wasn't right." Mark says frankly.

"You're right it wasn't." I told him with a sigh.

"But you have to admit it, it was funny as hell." Mark said as he started laughing. "If you had seen yourself..."

"It was funny. But not as funny as your balls being on fire this morning." I laugh as I look at him.

"I had no idea. It took a minute, and then all of the sudden, I'm on fire." Mark says frankly. "Fuck... It was hell."

"I can only imagine." I laugh loudly.

"Well, I was burning on the inside, and the outside. So yeah, thanks for that." He says sarcastically.

"Not a problem. Anytime." I say with a smile.

I sit there silently. I just have a looming feeling. It's something that follows me everywhere. I know that there are happy people out there, but I want to know just where these happy people are. No I don't. I know where they are. They are in the kitchen. All bubbly and talking about how great life was. Like they knew anything else.

"What is wrong with you?" Mark asks as he looks up. "You are never happy."

"No. I'm not. And I don't want to talk about it." I say as I get up and walk away. And I don't. I don't want to talk about it.

--

It was the last day of vacation. I was eager to get home, but at the same time, I was didn't want to. It had been a somewhat fun week. Maybe it was fun because it was different than the grind that I was used to. And no, I am not talking about bumping and grinding. I am not talking about that grinding where my pelvis is pressed deep against his. Not the grinning where cock is deep in my core, causing me the greatest pleasure ever. No, I am talking about school and responsibility. That is the grind I wish not to return to.

Mark and Derek had been nicer. Actually, I had the sinking feeling that they were treating me like a girl. They were giving me that unfair advantage. I didn't like that. I didn't like the whole be nice to her because she is a girl and will break. That is not me. Not that I am one of the guys, either. I am something different. I guess I am a hardened girl.

I'm a girl who loves the idea of men. I like guys. I like they way they look. I like they way they smell. I love the penis. But I am not the type of girl that hangs out with girls and tells secrets. I am me. Alone. I like alone. Or maybe it is that alone is safe. I have a hard time stepping out of my safe place. I don't like being vulnerable.

Derek was around. The whole week, he would drop in an out. What I could get from him was that he was smart. Really smart. And fun. And incredibly good looking. But that was it. He wasn't a guy I would want. In fact, I don't want a guy. They bring you done. I just want sex. Sex when I want, where I want. Derek seemed like an alright guy. He was a guy that like girls. He liked everything about him. He liked to move from girl to girl. I wasn't sure if he was a heartbreaker. I didn't care. Like I said, I am not interested in him. Too immature. And way too cocky for his own good.

"So..." Mark trails as he looks over at me.

The family was out doing things. Something about an old church, or sight seeing. Either way, it was not something I wanted to do. So I opted to stay. They used to try and get me to join in, but a few years ago, they realized their efforts were fruitless and a waste of time. So now, it was just do what you want, it's not like you are pleasant anyhow.

"Derek is on his way." He tells me as he looks over.

"And where are the rest of the flying monkeys?" I ask as I throw the ball for my aunt's dog.

"Funny." Mark snaps. "They aren't around." He said with a shrug. "Do you want to walk out to the creek? Max will probably want to swim."

"You mean the creek that I almost killed myself in? Yeah... Whatever." I groan as I stand up.

It is really nice out here. I like the wide open space. It's nice to just take in the fresh air and breathe. I could see myself somewhere like this. I don't even know where I will end up. I have no path. Med school is on the list, but I'm just not feeling much of anything at the moment. I look over at Mark. When we are alone, it feels good.

"So..." He starts. It seems like all of his important conversations start with so. "Your mom is never around?"

"Never has been." I state simply.

"And your dad is just gone?" He asks as he looks over.

"Yeah. He just left. Probably because of my mom. But I don't know. I don't care, you know. I'm better off without them both. And if grandma and grandpa choose to live in denial, whatever. I just don't give a shit." I say frankly.

"Yeah, I get that. They seem to think everything is great. Grandma more than grandpa." He points out.

"They're my grandma and grandpa... Not yours." I tell him as I look over.

I hurt his feelings. I can see it. He throws the ball into the creek and Max runs in to get it. I feel bad, but I don't regret it. They are mine. They have always been mine. I have aligned myself perfectly into the family. I have my place, and everyone knows theirs. I hate the fun and joy of family, but I still want to be right in the middle of it. I'm the black sheep in the white herd. They all circle around me, all having some sort of need to be around me. And now Mark has come in. I like him. I really like him, but he isn't going to just march in the circle. The funny thing is, I'm worried about him pushing me out of the way, and he would be more than happy just to watch from the sidelines and feel wanted.

We walk back in near silence. A decent person would apologize to him, but unfortunately, I am not decent. I'm far from it. Besides, in a while, he will forget I ever said it. As we walk up to the house, I see Derek leaning against his car. My god, I have never seen anything sexier in my life. The man is walking sex. So confident, his dark curls sitting perfectly on top of his head. Jeans hanging on his hips. Wearing a tee shirt that is the perfect shade of blue. Even his crooked nose is sexy. His body is perfect to me. Perfect size, perfect tone. As he leans, I can feel myself getting wet. I can feel the hardness of his chest under my fingers. No. You cannot do that. He is a rat bastard. He is never getting it.

"Hey." Mark says as we walk up.

"Hey." Derek says with a smirk. "Hey, troll." He says to me. Why, I have no idea. I do not even closely resemble a troll. The attitude, it has to be the attitude.

"Fuck you." I mutter as we walk up.

"You have a rotten mouth." Derek says as he shakes his head.

"Yeah, well you have a rotten smell. Probably your cock rotting from lack of use." I laugh as I look down.

"Believe me, baby, I don't have that problem." He says with a wink.

"Don't call me baby. And lack of use... I guess you don't have that problem, seeing as your right had is slightly bigger and more muscled. Use it a lot, huh?" I ask as I look at it. "Hairy palms?"

"Hey, I'm not the one that has a closet full of "toys"" He jokes with a laugh.

"Whatever you have to do to scratch the itch." I say with a smile.

"Wait... You-" He starts as he looks at me in shock.

"Don't you wish you knew?" I asked as I walked away from him.

I laugh. This is how it should be. I love to laugh and joke with the guys. For a second, I start to melt and act happy. It happens in short spurts. As I look at them both, I know I am in for more trouble. But this time, I think they know better than to screw with me. But I hope they do, because revenge is too fun.

"So I guess once Claire and Jack get back I guess we are doing fireworks." Mark tells me as we all sit down in the chairs in the yard.

"Oh joyous." I muttered as I look off.

"Do you not know how to have fun? Is that your problem?" Mark asked as he looked up at me.

"No. I don't have fun." I tell him frankly. "Fun is stupid. I don't like it."

"Eh... I don't believe that. You have to have fun. Didn't you have fun when you put tacks in my shoes?" He asked me frankly.

"No. That was revenge. Warranted revenge. I think fun is different." I tell him with a sigh.

"Hey, I need to go to uncle Jeff's to pick up the fireworks." Mark says with a nod. "Take the truck?"

"Get the keys." Derek said with a smile. "You can have fun, Mer. Let's go, Mark." Derek says with a nod.

"This will be fun." Mark says with a nod as he runs through the house and back out, keys in hand.

"Hell yes." Derek agrees as he grabs my hand and they drag me to the barn.

Marks throws open the big barn doors. I look in shock. It's a beat up old farm truck. I don't see how riding in a truck can be any bit of fun. That is until Derek drags me to the back and jumps in. He quickly grabs my hand and pulls me in. Apparently I am in a hick mobile. I don't know how else to describe it. There is a sofa in the back. Yes, a sofa. I look at it with wide-eyes as we sit down and Mark fires the truck up.

I've been trail riding on horses before. But I have never been trail riding on a truck. At first, we are just flying through the field. I had to admit, it is a little crazy. It is a little fun. Then I hear Mark yell that he is going to go the back way. That is when is starts to get crazy. I have never gone so fast through anything it my life. Hills, bumps, mud. I had mud flying up in my face. Mark hits a huge hill and the truck, the sofa, and Derek and I go flying up.

"Holy shit!" I yell in a panic. Derek quickly wraps his arms around me and brings us back down.

It feels good. I have to admit that it feels good to have him holding me tightly. I would never tell him that. I'm odd. And I have to protect myself from being hurt. I quickly shoot Derek a glare and he releases his grip on me. I wish I hadn't done it, but it is pretty much an automatic reaction.

We travel a few properties over, via the trails. Mark and Derek quickly load up boxes and boxes of fireworks and jump back into the truck. I firmly sit my ass down on the sofa and get ready for the ride of my life. Derek looked over at me with raised brows as Mark takes off.

"I see he doesn't let you drive." I laugh as Mark goes through the gears.

"Someone has to protect you." Derek says with a wink.

"I don't need protection." I tell him with a nod. "Oh crap!" I scream as I grab onto him, keeping myself in the truck.

"I see that." He replies as he looks down at my hand. "Oh fuck!" Derek shouts as two boxes of fireworks fall out. "Mark, they fell out." Derek yells.

Mark slows the truck down and Derek quickly runs off to get the fireworks. I watch as he gallantly retrieves the missing boxes and makes a mad dash back to the truck. He throws the boxes in, and just as he goes to get in, Mark pulls forward quickly.

"Asshole!" Derek yells loudly.

"Keep going!" I yell as I begin to laugh. Derek picks up his pace and gets closer.

"Help me, Mer... Help me." He yells as he sticks out his hand.

I let out a loud sigh as I lean slightly towards him and grab his hand. My eyes get wide as soon as I realize that I am air born. Either Mark surged forward quickly, or that asshole Derek has pulled me out. I feel my body fall with a hard thud. As I open my eyes, I am looking into the entrancing eyes of Derek Shepherd.

"You ass!" I yell as I sit up on his chest. I am straddled across his broad muscular chest. Just the place I want to be. I struggle to not grind my pussy into him. God knows I want to. God knows that I could have a screaming orgasm at any second. "Ass!" I seethe as I punch him in the shoulder.

"Hey!" He shouted as he attempts to get into the fetal position to protect himself.

"Why did you have to go and do that?" I shout as I look into his eyes.

"I didn't know that jack-off would do that." Derek says quickly.

"Oh my god! He left!" I say loudly as I look around. I quickly jump up of of him.

"Hey... We were just having a good time!" Derek jokes as he pulls himself to his feet.

"Ass!" I spit as I shove him back to the ground. "He's never coming back, is he?" I whine pathetically as I look around.

"He'll come back. He's just fucking with us." Derek grumbles as he stands back on his feet.

"Is this some sort of plan or something?" I growl as I look into his eyes.

"Oh yes, I really want to be stuck with a troll." Derek laughs as he starts walking.

"First of all, I am not a troll. And secondly, where are you going?" I ask quickly as I watch him walk.

"Okay, yes, you are a troll. And next I am walking back. I am walking back because who knows how long he will leave us out here." He says as he looks back. "Are you coming?"

"I don't want to walk with you." I tell him as I stick my nose in the air.

"Fine... Have it your way. It gets dark soon. Oh, and there is a creek on the way. I know how you love those..." He laughs loudly. I quickly jog up. I had been far too busy looking into Derek's blue eyes to have paid attention to the way home. I am good at directions, when I actually pay attention. If he left me, it would be forever before I found my way.

"What are you doing?" He asks me as I jog up.

"Well, I- Shut up!" I spit quickly.

"You are something else." Derek mutters as he shakes his head.

We walk awhile. Luckily I am in pretty decent physical shape. I don't know how long we have to walk, or how long we had been walking, but I was grateful that someone was with me this time. I draw in a sigh as I look at him. Oh why do I have to be me?

I look over at the man. The guy. The boy as I will call him. His ass. Oh my god, his ass. I want to bite it. I like to bite. Teeth are for biting and tongues are for licking and I want to do both. I take a breath in as I think about him thrusting that huge cock deep inside my core. I bet that ass is powerful when he thrusts into me like a wild animal. I can imagine his chest over me as he pounds me. Claw marks. I would claw him up like an animal in heat. And that mouth. I want his mouth all over me. I moan loudly.

"What was that?" Derek asks as he looks over at me.

"What was what?" I snap as I look over at him.

"You moaned." He laughs as he looks at me.

"I did not!" I yells as I look over at him.

"You did moan. It was a satisfied moan." He points out with a laugh.

"I was thinking about chocolate." I lie quickly.

"Sure you were." He chuckles as he looks at me.

"I was." I tell him quickly. And now I am wet. I swear my juices are running down my leg, and filling my shoe. It now slushes. Okay, probably dramatic. But you get the picture My body is ready. And oh my are we actually alone? In the woods...

"Why are you the way you are?" He asks me. "People are not naturally that mean."

"First of all, I don't know you. So this is- It has nothing to do with you. And secondly, some people are just naturally mean." I grumble. All of wetness, I may as well go diddle myself. Shit, it is drying up. I almost forgot he is an ass.

"You really like this first of all and second of all stuff, don't you?" He asks with a chuckle. "So... You contradicted yourself. So are you naturally mean? Or conditioned to be mean?"

"How about none of your damn business." I tell him with a nod. Just then, I hear a loud beep. I jump out of the path of the truck coming from behind.

"You fucker." Derek spits to Mark who slams on the brakes.

"Have fun?" Mark asks Derek with a smirk.

"Loads." Derek growls as he looks at me an then at Mark.

"Hey, it was no pleasure cruise for me either!" I tell him as I jump into the truck.

i_And that is how it went. That was what my first Derek Shepherd experience was like. He was arrogant. Annoying. Childish. Insanely hot. But most of all, he was nothing that I would have been remotely interested in. I was not looking. I didn't want to look. I had no interest. I wouldn't see him for awhile, and I didn't care. He wasn't someone that I went home and thought about all day long. Maybe just during he ride home in the car. That was the only time. The ride with the people that smoked like chimneys and floated down the river of denial. Yeah, Derek Shepherd... I couldn't give two shits about him./i_

**Review!**


	4. Pondering

_A year went by. I didn't think about Derek. See that is how it goes. Every time I see Mark and he goes home, or I go home, we talk for awhile, and then go back to our normal lives and lose contact. Derek Shepherd was not on my mind. Maybe I would see someone pass by that looked like him, but I never spontaneously thought about him. Never._

"So when is Aunt Claire going to be in town?" I ask my grandma quickly. Not that I care. Okay, maybe a little. I can't wait to see Mark. I can't wait for my biyearly dose of immaturity.

"Friday." Grandma says happily. "Will you be over?" She questions.

"Uh... Yeah. Maybe. I don't know." I say nonchalantly.

"Well, we would love it if you could make it over. They should be in around five. Oh yeah, we are going to have an extra this year." Grandma mutters into the phone like it is nothing.

"An extra. What do you mean, and extra?" I ask quickly. Last time she said that, I got Mark.

"Oh... Well you remember that nice boy. What was his name? Oh yeah, Derek. Derek, he is coming." Grandma tells be as she remembers.

"Derek? Derek! Why is he coming?" I snap quickly. Great. Now he is coming. Fucking great. As if they didn't torture me enough when I was up there. Now they will come here and do it. Not this time. No way! I am not putting up with this. They are going down.

"I guess his sister moved out of state, and his mother is going there. Either way, he is coming for the holidays." Grandma explains.

"Doesn't he have his own family? Why can't he go with his mom? He doesn't need to come here!" I spit quickly.

"Well, Meredith... If you want to know, you can ask him on Friday." Grandma says frankly. Attitude. Yep, I sense that from her. And that only makes me strike back.

"Well maybe I will. Maybe I will ask him because he has no reason to be coming here and moving in on- Never mind!" I say quickly.

"Are you in one of your moods?" Grandma asks me, knowing me all too well.

"I am fine. I don't have a problem. Do you have a problem?" I snap loudly.

"I will see you Friday, Meredith. Goodbye." Grandma says quickly.

"Yeah." I mutter as I hang up the phone.

The week went quickly. I kept myself busy doing the same things that I always do. My life never changes. It never changes. I don't know if I mind it or not. Nonetheless, I am still the same girl. The girl with issues. The girl who cannot play well with others. The girl who has emotional problems. I am her. And I shall never change.

I look up at my clock. I should pack my bag. I should go over there. I should do it. But part of me doesn't want to. God forbid I have some fun. I quickly pack some jeans and shirts along with my other stuff into a small bag. I look at my bras and panties. I grab for the good stuff. Why, I do not know. I am not trying to impress anyone.

Walking into that house is a joke. It really is a joke. I swear, Santa and his elves ate everything Christmas, chewed it up, swallowed, retched, re-ate it, and then puked it into a nice mess in this house. Seriously. If there were any thing else holiday related packed into this house, the roof would blow. It makes you sick. Holiday hand towels, rugs, blankets, statues, plates, cups anything and everything. I sea of sickening red and green.

"Hey... Long time." Aunt Claire says as I walk in. The dreaded hug is coming. It's close. Oh god! Here it is...

"Hey Aunt Claire." I say with a faint smile as I pull away from her.

"How have you been?" She asks me as she looks into my eyes.

"Good. Same stuff, you know?" I tell her frankly as we walk further into the house.

I see him. In our great room. The place where I have opened presents all my life. The place where I danced on the fireplace, by the mantle. There he is, the hottest of hotness in my great room. Dark hair, blue eyes. Hot. Sexy. Here.

"Hey." Mark says with a smile as he comes up and shoves me.

"Oh hey..." I say quickly as I look over, entranced by this man that never crossed my mind. Not until now. "So why is he here?"

"His mom left down. Couldn't leave him..." Mark tells me frankly.

"Why not?" I laugh as he look over.

"You are not nice." Mark chuckles.

"I never claimed to be." I say with a nod as I stand by the island countertop.

He's coming my way. I pretend I don't see him, but how can I not. Damn, there I go. Thinking about that cock again. I haven't had sex in so long I- I am not going to talk about it. Long. Too long. Way too long. And here he comes with his perfect hair and blue eyes. And of course he looks so hot in his indigo faded jeans and his red Hollister tee shirt. His chest. Oh god. I'm wet. Damn it Stop, Mer, stop!

"Oh hey." Derek says with a grin as he walked up.

"Yeah... Hey." I say with a smile.

"Don't hug her, she will kill you." Mark points out. Derek nods at me and smiles.

"Dinner..." Grandma says as she walks by with a roast in her hands.

"Yeah... We are supposed to help take that shit to the table. So... Get to work!" I tell Mark and Derek as I point.

I have a satisfied smile on my face as I walk over and sit down. I did not help. That is what boys are for. Two things. Sex and work. That is about it. Yep, boys suck. And they suck good. I can imagine they would suck good. And no, I am not talking about cocks. I am talking about me. They can suck me. Like I said... It's been too long.

"Thanks for the help... Derek and Mark." Grandma points out, noting that I did not help.

"I don't help." I say with a shrug. "If you are going to come here and mooch. You can help." I say frankly.

"Meredith!" My grandpa says in disgust. "You have to ignore her." He tells Derek.

"Everyone does..." I point out softly.

"So tonight..." Mark says quickly. "Bowling?" He asks as he looks at me.

"Bowling? Sure..." I say with a smirk as I look at the two. The beginning of the end.

--

Bowling. I have never done it. I know it's funny, but it's true. I am not into it, but it is so much better than sitting home with the family. I drive, of course. And Mark and Derek, they tease me. And get wild and crazy. It's all they know how to do. Tease me. I'm a good driver. I really am. But when they are in the car, I give them the ride of a lifetime.

"What size shoes?" The woman asks as she looks at me.

"Eight." I mutter as I look up. The clown feet next to me order some freakishly large shoe sizes. "So I have to wear these nasty things?" I ask with a sour face as we walk towards the lanes.

"Yeah, Mer. You have to wear those." Derek says quickly.

"But... Why can't I just wear my own shoes?" I ask as I looked down at the four inch boots I am wearing.

"Seriously. Seriously?" Derek asks with a chuckle.

"Mer... Just put the damn shoes on, okay?" Mark says as he pulls on his own shoes and sets the others aside.

"Damn... Fine." I grumble loudly as I pull my boots off.

"You've never done this before, have you?" Derek asks with a laugh.

"No." I say frankly. "Do you have a problem with that?" I growl.

"This is gong to be fun!" Mark laughs as we walk to the balls.

"I want a big ball." I say quickly as I look around. "Two big balls."

"Big ones, huh?" Derek chuckles. "I could probably help you out there."

"I said big ones, Derek! Not prunes." I yell loudly over the music, causing people to look.

"You are sick fucks." Mark says as he shakes his head.

"There are plenty of good balls here. But If you want to see some nicer ones..." Derek smirks.

"That one, Mer. Try that ball." Mark says as he points at one, trying to stop us.

"Too light." I say as I pick it up.

"Mer... You aren't very big. You can't lift a heavy ball. It's fine. Come on." Mark says as he pulls me away.

"You suck." I tell him with a smirk. "Who first?"

"Derek." Mark says with a nod.

I watch. I watch that fine ass stroll down the lane. Not only because I don't know how to play, but because I want to see that ass. The man is hot. The man has me wet. The man is walking sex. I watch the big ball roll down the lane in perfection, knocking every pin down.

"That is how you do it." He tells me with a wink. "Do you want help?"

"I don't need help." I snap loudly.

"Fine." Derek says with a shrug. "Have it your way."

It's not easy. Not even close. I go down the lane, too far. I hear them yelling for me to let the ball go. I panic and the ball jumps loudly down the lane, knocking a pin down. I smile as I look back at them. A pin. I actually knocked a pin down. One pin.

"That doesn't count. You were halfway down the lane." Mark says quickly.

"Ah... Just let her have it. She needs that point." Derek says quickly. "All the help she can get."

"Fuck you! And my ball is too light." I tell him. "Derek, I want your ball."

"Oh.. You can have my balls. Would you like to play with them?" He asks with a chuckle.

"Wouldn't you like me too!" I say quickly as I grab his ball and throw it, going down the gutter.

"You are twisting your wrist." Mark points out.

"I am not!" I say quickly. "It's the lane. It's crooked."

"Sure it is... Sure it is." Derek laughs as he rolls his eyes at me.

So apparently, I am the worlds worst bowler in the history of man. A seventeen. That was my score. People don't believe it, but It's true. Seventeen for the whole game. Without bumpers, of course. Second game I cleaned house on. A Forty-eight. Hell yeah, go me. The boys will never let me live it down. I am a bowling master. Or not.

"So... Do you think they are asleep?" Mark asks, referring to the family as he looked over at me. He gets the front seat. He always does.

"Maybe. Who cares? We'll just go to the basement." I say with a shrug.

"Good idea." He agrees. "We'll sneak in."

I drive the sort drive to the house. I turn the headlights off before I pull in the driveway. We quickly sneak up to the house, putting the key into the door and creaking it open. I slide my shoes off so they don't click on the slate floor. The boys follow my suit and we make it around the corner and down to the finished basement. I quickly turn on the t.v. and plop down.

"So now what?" Mark asks. Can't he just be happy doing nothing?

"Uh... Watch t.v." I mutter as I point. I sit there quietly and see Mark texting out of the corner of my eye.

"It's his girlfriend." Derek tells me. "She's needy as hell."

"That's stupid." I state quickly as I roll my eyes.

"What is stupid?" Mark asks as he looks up.

"That. Love. All of that. It's fucking stupid." I tell him quickly.

"Love isn't stupid." Mark defends as he looks at me.

"So love is stupid. Why is love stupid?" Derek asks me with curiosity.

"It's a cult." I state frankly.

"Love is a cult?" Mark asks as he laughs.

"It is. See it's a cult. It's the people in love cult. And I am not going to be a part of it. They want you in there. Their sole purpose in life is recruitment. They make you think it is so great. Oh, come be in love with us were everything is flowers and happiness. They are miserable. And it manifests into some freakish plan to bring more in. They want company in their suffering. They hate it, but they can't get out. Once you are in, you're in. You just need to find someone else to love. Not me. They can take their flowers and shove it up their ass! Me, I'm never doing that. No relationship. No love. Just fucking. It's all sex. A good hardcore fucking with no feelings. That is my idea of a good relationship!" I tell them frankly.

"You are deranged." Mark said as he shook his head.

"So you are saying, that you want sex. No strings. No feelings." Derek muttered as he looked at me.

"Exactly. Just sex. Hot sex." I tell him boldly.

"I can do that." Derek says with a nod.

"Can you?" I ask as I look up at him.

"I can. How much better does it get? No chick fucking around with my head. Just sex. Guys dream of this shit. I can do that." He tells me happily.

"Okay." I say with a smirk and a shrug.

"Okay?" He asks in shock.


	5. Doing It

He is in shock, but I too am in shock. I offered it up. It was my crazy delusion. My normal everyday ramblings about life. My love thoughts. I was the one that said it. And I meant it. I did mean it. It was an idea I had thought of. But I never thought anyone would actually take me up on my offer.

I'm not a whore. I'm not loose. I am actually pretty damn conservative. Laying on your back with your legs spread for every guy that walks by isn't going to get you anywhere. Sure, I love sex. But I am afraid of sex. Not the act. It's everything else. The connection. The love, which I don't believe in. The talking. The feelings. I don't do that.

See, when I was a kid, I learned things. I got the safe sex talks at school. The talks about how HIV turned into AIDS. And then you were done for. Well, that was the way they put it. I always thought, just my luck, I would get pregnant, get HIV and we would both be infected and die a slow painful death. I was paranoid. I'd get it from a door handle. I'd get it from someone sneezing on me. See, that is what happens when you have a nervous kid, and you give them bad information. And my mom, she didn't help it any with her hospital germ ramblings. The maid had to clean the whole house top to bottom or surely we would die. So that was me, washing my hands like I had obsessive compulsive disorder.

"I never say anything I don't mean." I tell him smartly as I look up.

"Oh! You guys are home." I hear my grandmother say as she walks downstairs.

"We are." I say sarcastically as I look up at her.

"Well, I made some popcorn." She tells us as she hands out bowls. She knows better than to hand it to me in a bag. I hate that. It makes my hand break out. I hate butter on my hands.

"Thanks, grandma." Mark says with a smile.

"No problem." Grandma says as she walks away.

I don't say a word, but I can see the wheels spinning in his head. He is thinking about everything. I pretend I am watching t.v., but really, I am watching him in my peripheral vision. As I sit there, throwing back popcorn I hear my uncle come down and beckon Mark. That left Derek and I. He doesn't say a word, but I know that he is looking at me, just as I am looking at him.

I don't say a word as I finish my popcorn and walk up the stairs and into the kitchen. I sigh as I look at the empty sink. I should wash the bowl. I could do it. I could be nice and decent. I grab the dish cloth and turn on the water. As I rinse the bowl, I can sense someone behind me. He is there. Like he could go. Like he could ignore it.

"So were you really serious?" He whispers in my ear as he puts his bowl into the sink.

"Uh huh." I answer nonchalantly as I begin to wash his dish.

"So... When would you want to start this?" He asks as he leans in.

"When would you like to get a good fuck?" I ask with a smile as I turn around and raise my eyebrows.

"When wouldn't I?" He says quickly as he nods to the basement.

My adrenaline surges as I follow him down. The man is so sexy, I am dripping wet already. I can only imagine what size tool he has in his belt. I feel my heart beating wildly as he drags me into my room. A smile covers my face. I'm going to get sex. God, I need sex. I pull away and grab a condom that was hidden in the drawer. Derek looks down at it and laughs.

"Oh... No. That's won't work." He says as he shakes his head.

"Why?" I asked quickly as I watch him grab one out of his wallet. Magnum XLs. Now my juices are flowing. Holy shit. He has got to be huge.

"Because... I need it." He says frankly as he tosses it on the bed behind me.

I look into his eyes as I pull my shirt over my head. It's dark, just the light shining in from the small basement windows illuminates our skin. Derek rips his tee shirt over his head. I gasp as I look a his chest. It's perfect. Completely perfect. He quickly goes to work on his jeans as I unbutton and drop my own. I look down at his manhood in awe. Ten inches. At least a good, thick ten inches in front of me. I quickly pull of my bra and panties as I look at him.

"Oh god... Just fuck me." I moan as he rolls the condom on his thick cock. I could see the glistening pre-cum before he started. He is more than ready. Derek quickly lays me back on the bed and and covers my mouth with his. I don't like that. He can't do that.

"No." I say as I pull away.

"What?" He asks quickly as he looks up.

"No kissing." I groan. "Fucking. Just fucking."

"No kissing?" He asks quickly as he looks down.

"Just fuck me!" I say quickly. "Now."

"No kissing... You are not a normal girl. You just want me to stick my cock in..." He says in shock. I feel his finger slid into my soaking wet slit. My need only rises as I raise my back up off of the bed. "Fuck... You are wet." He says in shock.

"Do it!" I whine as I spread my legs for him and close my eyes.

My breath is taken away as he enters me. Pain. I feel pain, not pleasure. I gasp loudly as I open my eyes. He is killing me. He is ripping me apart.

"Ouch! You son of a bitch!" I yell loudly as I look at him. "Fuck! That hurts. Do you have to be so rough?" I growl as I look down at him.

"I'm not being rough. You are tight. Haven't you ever had a good fuck before?" He says quickly as he slides himself in and out.

"Stop. Just... Ow.." I grunt as I grimace. "If you are going to do it like that...Just fucking forget it! Fuck."

"Here..." Derek says quickly as he slides his finger over my slit ad begins playing with my clit. He slowly slides as much as his length inside as I can take.

"Oh god." I moan as I look up at him. The sensations are already taking my body over as he rubs my erect little clitoris with the pad of his thumb. "Oh god... Don't stop." I growl as he rubs and slides in and out.

"You like that?" He asks as he begins kissing my chest.

"No kissing- Oh god!" I cry as he presses my walls apart. Forget that. Kissing. I am too far gone to worry about that.

"I can't fuck you and not put my mouth on you." He says as he sucks my nipple. His warm mouth and tongue touch ever sensitive spot of my breast.

"Faster... Oh god... Faster." I moan loudly as he slides in an out, my juices flowing, only increasing his pace. "Oh...yeah...yeah...right there...right there!" I shout softly as he bites down on my nipple and pushes his cock into my core. "Ouch! Fuck!" I spit as he hits my cervix.

"Oh god, Mer... You have the tightest little pussy..." He tells me as his mouth trails my chest.

"Oh god... I'm there... Fuck! Fuck me... Fuck me!" I cry out as my walls clamp down around him. The contractions are violent as he continues to work himself. I feel involuntary spasms take over my body as the waves crash over and over me.

"Oh god..." Derek grunted as he hit me one last time, his cock twitching and spurting wildly inside of me.

I look up at him through hooded eyes as I lay back, attempting to breathe. I can see the droplets of sweat on his brow as he looks down at me. My body is still reacting to his large member having taken assault on my small frame. Nonetheless it was amazing. I feel Derek pull out and watch as he peels the condom off. I quickly pull myself off of the bed and begin to dress.

"So that was-" Derek starts as he looks up at me.

"Oh... Yeah. Thanks." I mutter as I pull my top on. It was the best I ever had. But I will never tell him that.

"Oh god..." Mark says as we walk out. "Did you guys fuck?" Apparently he sees the shit eating grins on our faces. "Oh man... You did."

--

I slept well. I have never slept that well. It was satisfying. It was a good screw. Painful, but it definitely had a good finish. As I woke up with the sun in my face, I knew I had to get up and head out to the farm. I was awake, but not ready to move. I wasn't ready to face the world. But I had to.

As I walk out of my room, I see Derek standing there. He looks like trouble. He has that look in his eyes. The look of desire. I have to laugh. What man doesn't have that look in his eyes. Every man wants to get laid and he is no exception. Our eyes connect as I stand there in my pajamas.

"Morning." He says as he looked up, his hair looking as wild as mine.

"Morning." I grumble as he walk to the bathroom and get ready.

He is out there. He is out there and all I can think about is how badly I want to jump him. I want to throw him down on the floor and fuck his brains out. I wan to cum hard around him as he sucks on my chest. Yep, I don't like the kissing, but I do like the sucking and nipping. He can do that all he wants.

When I come out of the bathroom, he is gone. Part of me is grateful. I was damn near the point of having to relieve myself. I could feel that burn deep in my core, and once that starts, there is no stopping it. I quickly pull on my socks and boots and head up the stairs. When I get to the kitchen, I see Derek eating breakfast and Mark is looking half-dead.

"You look great." I tell Mark as I look over.

"Screw you." He says as he looks up.

"Do you want breakfast before you go?" Grandma asks as she looks up.

"Um... I will just have some coffee cake." I tell her quickly. "I don't have time."

"Where are you going?" Derek asks as he looks over at me.

"To the farm. Want to go?" I ask with a laugh.

"Sure, I'll go." He offers, only to my astonishment.

"No, man... You don't want to go." Mark says quickly. "Trust me. You don't"

"Why is that?" Derek asks me and then looks over at Mark.

"She is cruel. She works you hard." Mark tells him. "Seriously, man. It's torture."

"I'm sure I can handle it." Derek says with a smile. "I can handle her." He mutters under his breath. All I can do is shake my head. Seriously.

I don't say anything in the car. What is there to say. We have no connection. He's a good screw, and I am a willing partner. I don't look over at him as he screws with my c.d.s and starts turning things on. God, he is immature. He is lucky he's good, that's all I'm saying.

"So how far away is it?" Derek asks loudly.

"We're not far." I tell him as I look over.

"How long have you been riding?" He asks simply. What is this, getting to know you?

"Um... Thirteen years." I tell him frankly as I pull into the driveway. "I hope you like horse shit."

"Why is that?" He asks as he looked at the barn.

"Because you will be cleaning it." I laugh as I jump out.

"What? Why would I want to do that?" He asks quickly.

"It's not a question of how or why. It is a matter of you will be. It needs to be done, and you are a willing participant." I tell him with a nod as I throw the door open.

"No. I'm not a willing participant. A forced participant, maybe." He tells me as he follows me in.

Now he is in my territory. How sweet it is to be the supreme. To be the boss. He has no idea what to do. It is kind of a repeat just as it was with Mark. My horses are grumbling that they want their food. And here he is waiting. Waiting for torture.

"Here... The first, second and third. They are in order." I tell him as I hand him the containers.

"What about you?" He asks as he looks up.

"Don't worry about me." I say quickly as I follow behind him with a bale of hay.

"Why don't I get that, it's heavy..." He says as he looks at me.

"I can handle it. Get your ass to work." I tell him as I hobble down the aisle way.

"You sure aren't very nice to your help." He grumbles as he walks into a stall and ours the grain in. "Holy shit!" He rambles. "That think tried to attack me." I knew that wasn't happening, but I have to laugh at his dramatic effects.

As quickly as I can, I spread the hay out and walk back in. As I walk in, I see him playing with the whip. What is it with boys and whips? Don't they know those are for girls? Chicks with whips. Fun to me.

"Look at this thing!" He says as he smacks it.

"You aren't doing it right." I say as I grab it and crack it behind my back.

"Holy shit! You are uh... Good with the whip." He says with wide eyes.

"You have no idea." I chuckle as I toss it down and begin letting horses out.

Derek helping me with stalls was much better than Mark. Mark had no skills, but Derek, he was at least trying. I knew it wasn't his forte, but he was being a good sport about it. Well halfway. I think at this point, he is trying to be polite. But it doesn't stay that way. It never does.

"So..." Derek says as he looks into my eyes.

"So." I say as I put the fork away. "Oh fuck..." I groan as he pushes me against the wall. Like a girl can resist.


	6. Farm Fun

I look into his eyes. It is obvious. He wants it good, and he wants it hard. Who doesn't? I can't control my need. Those blue orbs draw me in like nothing ever has. It is sex. There is no emotional connection. I am in it for the good lay, and as physically painful as it was, it is damn good at the same time.

"Condom?" I ask as I hastily unbutton my jeans.

"Uh huh..." He moaned as he reaches in his back pocket.

"Did you put that there this morning?" I ask as I watch him pull it out.

"Of course I did. Did you actually think I came with you for the smell of horse shit and fresh air?" He asked with a chuckle. "I'm in this for the fuck."

"As am I." I say as I watch him rip his pants down.

There it is. Huge. Erect. Standing on end. And it is standing just for me. It wants me. Just seeing that, I drip more than I was before. He does that to me. Just looking at him does that to me. I've had him once and I have realized he like a chip, or a cookie. You can't have one. And once you pop... You can't stop.

"Oh god." I moan as I slide my jeans past my boots. Not an easy feat, I soon find out. As my naked ass starts to stumble around, I feel his hand grab my wrist to steady me. "Thanks." I mutter as I finally give up and just pull my feet out of the boots.

"Come on..." He says quickly, telling me to move it along.

I smile at him as I look up. I can see the need in his eyes. He wants me. I'm a tight little fuck, that is for sure. If he wants that, that is what he is going to get. I feel his mouth attack my neck as he runs his fingers over my soft bush. There is too much. I haven't been doing too much maintenance. I haven't had a reason to. But now it was looking like I had a reason to mow the lawn.

"You are fucking wet!" He exclaims as he looked into my eyes.

"Always." I groan. It's true. Always wet. Always ready. Especially when I am around someone like Derek. "No kissing!" I warn as he moves up my chin.

"I have to. I can't do one without the other." He tells me as he sucks my neck.

"Your mouth has nothing to with your cock!" I warn as I feel his hands run down my ass.

"Enough... It has enough to do with it. Just fucking deal with it." He spits as he squeezes my ass cheeks hard.

"Fuck!" I yelp as he gropes me. "I don't want to fucking deal with it." I shout.

"Don't you ever shut your fucking mouth?" He asks as he grips my thighs and lifts me to his cock.

"Fuck you!" I growl as I glare into his eyes.

"Not a problem!" He shouts as he thrusts his cock into my core.

"Fuck!" I yell at the massive meat bulldozing it's way through my folds. "Ah..."

"At least I know how to shut you up." He says as he slams my back against the wall.

I groan as I feel the bars of the stall door against my back. I wrap my legs around his waist, resting my sock covered feet on his ass. The steam begins rise from our bodies in the twenty degree weather. I can feel the cold nipping at my flesh as he glides his thick manhood in and out. My juices slide around his dick as he pulls it out and slams it back in.

"Good?" He asks with a smirk as he looked up at me.

"Oh god... Oh..." I moan, only making his smile grow. He withdraws once again, and slams my back against the steel. "Oh! Oh! Bad wall! Bad Wall!" I cry out as I feel the pain stabbing my back.

"Oh." Derek says quickly as he spins us around and goes to the solid wall of the tackroom. "Oh god... You feel so fucking good. You have suck a tight little pussy!" He tells me as he looked down. I think he likes to see his manhood infiltrate my tight folds like a steamroller going through a pvc pipe. A little faster. He is faster than a steamroller as he pumps in and out, sweat forming on his head.

"Your cock... Huge." I cry out as I feel myself clamp down around him.

"You ready?" He asks, I assume because his balls are ready to shoot their white creamy load into my core. Into the condom. At least I am smart enough for that.

"Oh god yes... I'm cumming... I'm... Oh god mother fucker... Oh god!" I yell as my body violently goes into contractions, spilling my hot fluid around his warm cock.

"Fuck... Oh fuck... Oh..." He shouts as he spills himself into his extra large condom.

He stops pumping and rests against me as My back lays against the wall. I am still twitching on the inside, my popcorn contractions teasing his cock as he begins to soften. I look up at him, he is steaming as much as I am. We are soaked and standing out in the cold. I sigh as I feel myself begin to slide off of his flaccid cock.

"Shoes." I say as I nod to my mess on the floor across the aisle.

"Oh yeah." He says with a nod as he grabs me tightly and hobbles to the other side, careful not to fall over his own pants.

"Wow..." I breathe as he sits me down.

"You are dripping..." He says in amazement as he looks at the warm fluid shining on my legs.

"I am." I agree as I pull my clothes and shoes on.

"Thank you..." He moans as we stand there, dressed, looking at each other in shock.

"Oh... So now you thank me?" I ask with a laugh.

"After that... Fuck yes!" He says with a smile. This was such a good idea.

--

Dinner. In my family, it's a bit ridiculous. We have enough food to feed a starving nation. My grandma doesn't love to cook, but when she does, she does it right. It always goes the same way. I am quiet. I am quiet until they poke me with a stick. Once they poke my with a stick, I attack like a wild animal. A good dinner, it involves no poking. I'd like to save the poking for after dinner, thank you.

Our eyes lock. It's not a look of desire. It's not like I have an all consuming love for the man. My body has an ache for him. After one round, I am ready for the next. It's probably a little pathetic, but it is true. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him. That's a lie. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about the penis. What a delightful tool it is.

I have no idea what he thinks. I have no idea what his thoughts are on me. If he is like any guy, he is in it for the good screw. What guy wouldn't be. Good or not they will take it anytime, anywhere. Manwhores is what they are. Apparently a woman will spread her legs and she is a whore. A man doesn't have to spread his legs, maybe that is the difference? I have great respect for a man who will admit to being a manwhore. And even more respect for a man that will whore himself out to me.

"So, Derek... What are you going to school for?" My grandfather asks.

I have to laugh. Literally out loud. I'm not really sure what he is doing. He doesn't care. Hell, half the time I talk to him, he isn't listening. I found that out when I asked for fifty bucks once. A quick uh huh was great. And even greater when I stuck my hand out and got it. Grandma backed me up. She witnessed his mistake. That is what happens when you don't pay attention to someone when they talk to you. You get money. So I make sure to ask for things when I know they aren't listening. I'm still waiting on my million. Now mind you, a million would not be enough. But it is a start.

"I am majoring in human biology. I plan on heading to med school after that." Derek said with a smile.

"Really? For what?" Grandma asks as she look over at him.

"Neurology. I'd like to become a neurosurgeon. The brain has always been an interest to me." Derek says with a smile.

"Oh, how wonderful is that?" Grandma says with a big smile. "You know, Meredith's mother is a surgeon."

"Ellis Grey!" Derek says as it finally hit him. "Your mother is Ellis Grey!"

"Yeah. She is." I muttered as I roll my eyes. "Gravy?" I ask as I stick my hand out. Remember what I said earlier about splashing the gravy in their faces? Well right now... I am being nice.

"So what is it like?" Derek asked me with a smile.

"Um. Hell." I say quickly.

"We don't... Talk about her." My aunt Claire says softly. Derek looks up and then drops his head back down.

I want to lighten the mood. Hell, no I don't. I want to make some trouble. I look down at the turkey in front of me. I want a pickle. But I don't just want any pickle. I want Derek's pickle. I want Derek's pickle inside of me. Oh god... Here I go again. Wet. So wet. I quickly jump of from the table. Cruel, I am.

I walk to the refrigerator and grab it. It's the only think I can think of that looks like a penis at the moment. I grab a pickle out of the jar and walk back to the table. Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. They quickly shrug and go back to their food. Everyone but Mark and Derek.

I lift the pickle to my mouth and swirl my tongue around it. Honestly, I have never done this. It's all new. I have never stuck my mouth on a cock. It's icky and gross. They pee out of that thing. I mean come on. It serves a dual purpose and you want me to put my mouth on it. Either way, I lift that pickle to my mouth and suck, everyone is oblivious. Derek draws in a deep breath as he sees it. He wants his pickle in my mouth... Yes he does.

"You need help." Mark says frankly as he watches me suck.

"What? Because I like pickles and gravy... Get your mind out of the gutter, Crackhead." I say as I take a bite. I've got him hooked.

Dinner went quick after that. Of course it did. Derek was ready to spray a creamy white load on the underside of our dining room table. I quickly sit up from the chair, Derek following suit. Mark looks over at us with a smile.

"Want to play some cards?" Mark asks quickly.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Derek asks in shock. "I'm going to play... Just not cards."

We have a big house. It's big. And you can't hear anything. That is definitely one upside to fucking a boy in your grandparent's basement. It's something I have never done before. Not before the first time with Derek. I just don't do that. But this man, he makes me spontaneous. As I rush down the stairs, I can feel him behind me. Mark is to run interference. And he had better well do a good job.

"That was not very nice of you..." Derek says as he pulls me over to him.

"What's that?" I tease as I looked into his blue eyes.

"Playing with a pickle. Not nice at all. Now you will have to make it up to me. Now you have to play with my pickle." He says with a grin as he pulls my arm, bringing me into his room and shuts the door.

"I don't do that..." I say as we walk in. He laughs at me. I choose not to respond, but he was definitely laughing at me.

Derek isn't talking. Not a word. He quickly walks up and pulls my shirt over my head. Not in a sensual way. I think he fears that I won't do it. I think he is in a hurry. I can't imagine why. Hello. He has a girl ready to let him have his way with her. I begin unbuttoning the buttons on his shirt. Too many. I hate these damn things. As I get to the last one, I stare at that chiseled chest. Perfect. Gorgeous.

His cock is hard. It is hard and it is pressing against his jeans like if it doesn't get out, it will just break the zipper. I wore the good stuff. My lace push up demi bra smiled back at him as he ran his hands along my sides. He fingered at my jeans as he looked into my eyes. I could feel him fumble with the button as I undid his jeans. As they fell to the floor, I was greeted by his hard cock pressing against the thin fabric of his boxer briefs. A smile crosses his face as my jeans fall to the floor.

"Nice." He mutters as he looks down at my Brazilian cut panties. Black lace barely covers my ass. He ran his hands down my bare back, rubbing my ass. A smile covers his face as he runs his fingers over the lace running along the middle of my ass cheek. He toys with the strings of the lace up back. I feel him pull it tightly and let them fall to the floor. He massages my ass as I run my hands over his chest. Derek's hands run back over my back as he unclasps my bra and lets it fall off of my shoulders.

"You should have never teased." He said with a nod as he pushed me back on the bed hard. I fall on the soft blankets and stare up.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I tell him as I look up, his body coming closer to mine.

"No idea, huh?" He asks as he leans down and kisses my chest.

"No kissing." I tell him frankly.

"No kissing, huh?" He asks as he trails his mouth over my breasts. "I guess I won't do this..." He says as he kisses my breast and bites my nipple with his teeth, "If you don't want kissing. Or this..." He tells me as he trails down and sucks on my navel.

The feeling of his lips on my flesh nearly sends me over the edge. I take in a gasping breath as he licks and sucks my hipbone. He moves his mouth down and begins to part my legs.

"What are you doing." I ask as I close my knees.

"What does it look like I am doing?" Derek asks as he looks up at me and parts my legs open again.

"You can't do that!" I say in shock as I look into his eyes.

"Why not?" He questions me as he holds my knees apart.

"It's-" I start. That is something I've never done. Just the usual fucking. That is me. And now he wants to do this. He can't do this. He can't.

"Trust me. You want me to do this..." He said as his head disappeared.

"I don't- Oh my god!" I spit as I feel his tongue circling over and over my clitoris. "Holy shit!" I gasp as he nips at my labia. Oh my god. I can't even describe- Holy shit. "Oh wow..." I spit as he delves his tongue deep in my folds.

"You like it, huh?" He asks as he comes up for air and looks at me.

"Oh god... This is wrong." I say as he begins flicking me with his tongue. I was wet before he even went down there. Now I am getting slicker. Now I am getting ready to drip. I begin to pant as he grasps my clit with his teeth. It hurts like hell, but once he runs his tongue over it, I can barely contain myself. My hands grasp the bed sheets tight.

"Oh come on, Mer..." He says, knowing I am ready to cum in his mouth. "Cum for me. I know you are more than ready. Fuck my mouth... I know you want to." He tells me as he quickly goes back to work.

"Oh god yes!" I scream out loudly.

The insulated walls absorbing my screams of pleasure. I can't help but fuck his mouth. It's an involuntary movement that has to be done. I frantically begin pumping my hips into him. I am desperate. Desperate to cum. Desperate to release. Desperate for this to end and go on at the same time. His tongue feels like nothing I have ever felt on my lips. He glides it up and down. I can't hold it in. I can't.

"Oh god... Derek... Oh my fucking god... Oh...Oh.. I'm... I can't! Oh god!" I shout as my pumping ceases and I let it take me over.

I can feel my uterus contracting violently as he sucks my juices. He places his tongue into my vagina, and I feel my walls squeezing it. I lay my head back and pant as everything takes me over. Derek happily drinks me down. I can hear him sucking and slurping me wildly, licking my lips clean.

"Damn..." Derek says as he comes up to me. "Look at you..." He says, referring to the red splotches now covering my breasts, abdomen and throat.

"I- Um... Wow..." I moan as I try to breathe deeply.

"I told you you would want it." Derek says with a chuckle. "You wanted it. No one gets that fucking wet." He laughs as he lays there and looks at me.

"Oh..." I moan as I look into his eyes.

"Now it's your turn." He says as he looks down at his erect cock.

"I don't do that." I say frankly. No way am I sticking my mouth on that.

"Oh... I think you do." He said quickly.

"No." I say as I pull my knees up and sit up and away from him. "I don't."

"Mer. You don't do that. You can't do that. I just gave you awesome head. Don't be a fucking tease." Derek growled as he looked into my eyes. He was pissed. Definitely pissed.

"I am not a fucking tease, Derek! A tease is someone who says they will do something, and then doesn't. I never said I would put my mouth on your cock." I tell him angrily, attempting to burn holes through him.

"You are a tease. You fucking sucked a pickle at dinner. A pickle." Derek said quickly. "Get your mouth on my cock."

"Get your mouth on your own cock!" I say loudly as I glare at him.

"Look... You were good. Great. That was- Wow. But you need to return the favor. It's a rule. I blow you, you blow me. Now is not the time for bullshit!" Derek said as he laid back, his cock risen and waiting for me.

"But it's... Ick!" I say as I look at him. "Just... Eww. You pee out of that thing." I pout as I look at him.

"You've never done it." He says with a chuckle.

"I- I- No. But that isn't- So what!" I spit as I look at him.

"I'll put a condom on. But damn-it, you owe me." He growls as he reaches over and grabs a magnum xl. "Come on... Don't be shy." He says as he looks at me with his blue eyes. He cocks his head. Fuck. That does make it hard.

"I-" I start and then stop. The truth is, my core is burning again. I want him again. I want him bad. And I actually would like to take a little lick on his stick.

"Do it, Mer. Get down there an blow me like you were made to." He says angrily. He is getting mad. His patience is wearing down. He rips open the condom and rolls it on. He gives me a look. I need to get down there on his cock. "You owe me..."

I will admit it. I am scared. This is a whole lot of man in front of me. This is a lot of cock for a small mouthed girl to take in. And I have no idea what I am doing. Okay. That is a lie. I do know what I am doing. I think. I mean, you have an idea. I look at him, and then back down at the steel rod in front of me. I take a firm grasp of it's base. Holy shit. A lot of base. The thing is thick. No wonder he rips me apart.

"Good. Go to work." He says as he looks down at me. "Take a lick."

Take a lick. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a... Cock. We shall test this out. Although, I think like the owl, I will lose count, and possibly take a bite. It's actually a shock. The hardness of it. So firm and strong. I hold it as tightly as I can and take a lick of his rubber covered head. I hear a gasp come out of his mouth at my touch. I quickly suck in about an inch. The head. I take the head into my mouth.

"Oh god!" I spit as I pull my mouth off of him.

"What?" Derek asks in shock as he looks at me.

"It's gross. I can't stand the taste of that... It's like sucking on a rubber glove." I say as I stick my tongue out.

"I can take it off... But then... If I take it off, you have to swallow." He says with an evil smile. "Just- You'll get used to it." Derek says quickly. "Just... Fucking blow me!"

"God... Hasty." I laugh as I look at him.

"You are a procrastinating little tease. Get your mouth on my cock." Derek growls as he looks at me.

"Fine." I say as I roll my eyes.

I go back to business, ignoring the disgusting taste. They have flavored condoms. I wonder how they would be. Although, I think they only come in normal sized condoms. And I am dealing with super cock here. I mean, that would be like shoving a man into a child's wetsuit. That would be cruel at the least.

I lap his head gently. I begin to get used to the bitter taste of the condom. My tongue swirls around and around his manhood. It's amazing. Like a steel beam. I remember a tee-shirt I once saw in high school. Steel erection, We'll get it up. It had a crane on it. Hell yes. They had the idea.

"Give the boys some action." Derek tells me as I begin to pull in more of his cock. I grab his balls with my hand and massage softly. I have felt balls before and I have to admit, they are fun to play with. I jiggle them around, giving them a good time as I gain some suction on Derek's hard dong. "Suck it! Suck it!" Derek shouts loudly.

I look up at him. He has to be enjoying it. His eyes are glazed over and rolling back. I'm a good sucker, apparently. I take in a little bit more as I swirl my tongue round and round. His ball as are tightening in my grasp. I can feel the blood pumping, filling his chambers.

"Oh god... Oh fuck, Mer... Oh god!" Derek begins to yells as his belly ripples. "I'm going to blow soon... Oh god. Hold on. I'm going to fuck you." He says as he thrusts his dong into my mouth.

"Ah!" I try to get out as his cock slams inside of me. I pull my mouth off of him. He almost killed me.

"What the fuck?" he says in shock as he looks up.

"You are going to kill me. I am going to asphyxiate on cock. I will die from cock smothering. And I- I can't do it. You are going to go right into my brain." I say as I clench my jaw and shake my head no.

"My cock is not going into your brain. And breathe through your nose dammit." Derek groans. "Get back to work."

"I can't. If I suffocate. I don't-" I whine as I look at him.

"Mother fucker!" He snaps at me. "I am ready. And you are fucking talking instead of blowing. Come on, Mer. I drank you down..."

"Fine. But if I die. Don't let them know how. Shove a sock in my mouth, or something." I say as I go back to work, scraping my teeth up and down him gently.

"You won't die- Oh my god... Fuck yeah... Mer you are fucking amazing." He says as I began hastily moving him in and out sucking him hard.

He thrusts his hips into my mouth gently. He can't help it. It's instinct. He is ready to blow hard. His cock is pulsating. He has grown even more in my mouth. He his ready. He is close. I quickly suck as hard as I can, swirling my tongue. My fingers go to work at the base, milking him hard.

"Oh god...fuck yes...fuck..." Derek spits out as he pumps into me and begins spurting out his white creamy load into the condom. "Holy shit..."

"Wow." I say as I pull away, checking out my work.

Derek is glazed over and silent. I can hear his panting breaths as he lays there. I did good. That is more than obvious. His cock is now happy. He is happy. A smile covers his face as he looks up at me. He is satisfied. I stay silent as I watch him pull the wet condom off and lay there.

"What now?" I asked with a smirk.

"No... We fuck. And I think you know how to do that." He says with a smile. "Quite well, actually."

"Oh really?" I ask as I look at him with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, really." He agrees with a smile as he looks into my eyes. "You know... I shouldn't be ready yet." He says as he leans up and pulls me down with him. I look up as I lay on my belly.

"But you are." I say frankly as I run my hand over his cock.

"I am." He tells as he climbs up to his knees and kneels over my body, a knee on either side of me. "Get on your hands and knees." He tells me frankly.

"And just what are you going to do?" I ask coyly as I look over my shoulder and watch him roll the condom on his cock.

"I. Am. Going. To. Fuck. You." He says slowly as he runs his hands over my smooth back. I feel him grasp the apple of my ass cheeks tightly. I can't take it. The man has me so hot, I can barely contain myself. I feel his fingers slide over my slit and he places a finger deep inside of me.

"Oh god..." I cry out as he wiggles his finger deep inside near my g-spot.

"You like that?" He asks with a chuckle. "You must fucking like it. You're fucking wet." He tells me as he breathes loudly. "Okay." He mutters as he pulls his finger out.

"What the fuck?" I shout as I feel him pull out.

"Enough bullshit." He says as he hovers over me.

I can feel his cock bouncing. It is twitching in anticipation. Hitting my back. Bouncing on my ass. It wants the fuck as much as we do. As I hold my palms flat and bury my face into the pillow, I feel him begin to slide in. It's a lot to take in, but my walls spread for his girth. He feels good nestled in my tight pussy.

"Oh god..." I moan into the stack of pillows before me.

"Mer... You are so fucking tight. You have the tightest little pussy I have ever fucked." He tells me as he pulls out and guides it back inside.

"Oh god... Your cock... It's huge. So huge!" She shout as he slides as much length inside as my body can accept.

I feel his huge dong slid in and gently press against my cervix. There is only so much cock a person can take, and Derek is more than pushing my limits. There is something animalistic about him being bent over me. Mounted. He is mounted over me, fucking me hard. Too hard, but the way he is playing with my clit, I can't yell in pain, only in pleasure.

"Oh god... Oh god yes." I scream as he flicks my clit quickly, and sucks on the flesh of my back. I can feel the beads of sweat forming on my body as I get ready to climax. "Harder... Faster... Harder..." I cry out loudly as I feel his cock start to pulsate deep inside of me.

"Oh god, Mer... Oh god!" He shouts as his balls draw up and tighten against him. "Fuck... I'm cumming..."

"Oh god... Yeah... I...Oh... Yeah!" I shout as I hit the brink and fall over. My body begins to contract and pulsate as he blows his load into the condom and collapses on my back. "Wow."

"Uh huh..." Derek pants as he rests, attempting to catch his breath. I feel his cock begin to go flaccid and he pulls himself out of me and rolls onto his back. I splat face first onto the bed and the stack of pillows from exhaustion. We both lay there as we come down from our high, but then the wheels start to spin and I start to think.

"So... We need rules." I say quietly as I lay my head to the side.

"Rules?" Derek asks in shock. He looks at me like I am killing the ultimate buzz.

"Yes, rules." I repeat as I look at him. "Um... First rule. No relationships. Are you in a relationship?" I ask, almost in a panic. I am not a cheater.

"At the moment, no." Derek says as he looks at me.

"I'm not a whore. So no fucking if we are in a relationship." I say as I look up into his eyes.

"Okay." He agrees with a nod. The truth is, he just wants a fuck and couldn't care less. I doubt he even gets into relationships.

"And no kissing... I think I made that clear. There will be none of that." I say frankly.

"What is wrong with kissing? Look, I can't fuck and not kiss." Derek tells me quickly.

"I don't like it. And you can suck. But no... No mouth. No mouth kissing." I say with a nod. "And last, no emotion. No feelings. I don't have feelings. But if you- If you start to feel something stupid, this is over. I am in it for the fuck, and I am not risking anything else." I tell him as I look up and raise my eyebrows. "So... Do we have a deal?"

"I think we do." He says with a nod as he lays his head back and closes his eyes.

"Good." I say as I crawl out of the bed and grab my bra and panties.

"Where are you going?" Derek asks as he opens his eyes and looks up at me.

"I'm tired." I tell him as I pull my jeans on.

"Well, you could stay in here." He says quickly.

"No feelings." I said with a smirk as I pull my top over my head.

"Oh yeah..." Derek says with a nod. "Thanks for the fuck."


	7. Maintenance

I have come to a realization. I need to do some maintenance. The lawn needs mowed. I need to do some trim work. If Derek is going to be hanging out down south, he needs to have a fun place to play. A fun, clean, safe playground. Bodies are playgrounds of the greatest kind. And believe me, after I figured out the magic he can do with his tongue, I want him playing down there.

I have never had a reason to maintenance. I didn't have men. Like I said, I am not a whore. I don't pick up random guys. And getting close to a man is next to impossible to me. So this the first time. And I am not close! I am just... Fucking. So anyway, this... It's not something I have really messed with. I always went au naturale. I went the way nature intended. But now, I know that things could be a little nicer. The shrubbery needs pruning. I am now going to create an amazing topiary, out of my bush.

I could get waxed, but the idea of having someone in my nether region is something that I have issues with. If Derek didn't cause me great pleasure, I would never have let him down there. And now, it seems I must take matters into my own hands. So this means doing the work myself. This could mean disaster. Most likely disaster.

I walk my way into the bathroom. I know I am going to need a good razor. I'm going to need shave gel. I riffle through the cabinets and find a can that has moisturizer in it. Or so it says. I pull off my pants and wet the area down. I quickly place the cream on thick. Soften the hair, right? I know I should be in the shower, but placing on leg on the toilet seems to work best for me.

As I start, reality sets in. One swipe with the razor, and I am realizing that whacking the bush it not so easy. I look at the razor that is now completely covered with hair. I look at my pussy, and you can't even tell that I did anything. This isn't right. It is not working right. I try again, rinsing the razor under the tap, filling the sink with pubics.

"Fuck!" I cry out as I pull the hair that is stuck in the razor out by the root.

Now the damn hair is clogging the razor and causing it to pull out. It's not working. Not even close. It's too dam long and too thick. I look down at the floor. There are pubics all over. This is not good. I groan as I look around for plan B. Scissors. I grab those and flip the water on in the shower. I rinse off the shave cream, and flip the water back off. This was common sense. Of course you would get the hair shorter before you shave.

I quickly chop chop the area, taking it down as far as I can. I have a basic design in play. I am a pussy designer. Yay me. As I look down, I see my shower now looks like a beast. It looks like someone coated it in pubic hair paint. It looks like Chewbacca was killed in my shower. It was pretty sick, actually. If I knew that someone else was doing this shit in my shower, I'd never get in it again. Now for the fun...

I flip on the warm water and place a leg on the toilet once again. This time, much better. This time, my nether region is looking somewhat bare, the way it is supposed . to. I contort myself around so that I can get a good look and start the finishing touches of my design. Just as my head gets to looking, I feel my foot slide off.

"Fuck!" I shout as I crash to the floor. I look up and thank god that I didn't cut my labium majus off.

"Mer... Are you okay?" I hear Mark ask as he comes to the door.

"Fine..." I say as I climb to my feet. "Just fine..." After several swipes, a satisfied grin covers my face. I have successfully completed my mission. I run my hand over my own softness. Perfection.

I quickly climb into the public hair laden shower. As I flip the water in, I am feeling pretty proud of myself. It's for the greater fuck, not the greater good. I go through my usual routine, and soon realize that the water in filling the shower. It is filling because I have clogged the thing. I turn the water off in a panic and begin hastily pulling hair out of the drain.

This is great. Really fucking great. Now I will have to call out a plumber because I have clogged my grandmother's drain with pubic hairs. How will I explain that.? Well, grandma... I was shaving my hoohoo, so that I can have crazy hot, sweaty ass, fuck buddy sex with Derek. This is fucked. Really fucked. I panic. Now I am fucking freaking out. I sift at the drain with my fingers like I am digging for gold.

"Oh thank god..." I sigh as it begins to drain. I realize now, that is is something I cannot let get out of hand. If that hair gets that long again, the city's sewer system will plug up and we will be in a state of emergency. This is definitely a regular maintenance kind of thing.

I do my best to clean the shower. Now mind you, I'm not the cleaning type. I like clean, but I don't like to clean. But this, is something you clean yourself. No man should clean another man's pubic hairs out of a shower. This things stick like glue on everything. I think they are all gone, and I turn around and there are more. Surely everyone can't have such a problem as I.

As I pull on my clothes, I feel like I have accomplished great things. I am the master of my domain. I am the princess of my pussy. I am queen of the cunt. Okay, that's a nasty word. Don't use that word. Anyway, I think you get the drift. I am walking around with king shit, because I am. That's all I'm saying...

--

Okay, there are things you should know. The main thing, the most important thing in the world. Use moisturizer. Something is wrong. Something is really wrong with me. I feel like I have ants in my pants. Yes, people say that all of the time. I never really knew what it meant until now. I have ants in my pants. I haven't taken a look see as to what is going on down there, but I know it is not good. As I walk, attempting to scratch my itch, something crosses my mind. Holy shit! That fucker has given me crabs. He gave me disease.

I draw in a breath. He is standing in the kitchen eating. He is eating, and I have an army eating my crotch. That is all I can imagine. I want to hurt him. I want to pummel him and beat his ass. I want him to suffer. But then, I realize, I really need to take a look and see what is going on. He's a man. Men are bastards. And he will mostly likely say it is I that brought the disease into our fucked up relationship.

"Mer... What color napkins? The green or the burgundy?" My grandmother asks as I walk by the table. Are you fucking kidding me? She is asking me this shit now? I walk to the table, insane with itch. If you can go insane with itch, I am so close it's scary. I walk to the corner of the table, if I can nonchalantly scratch my pussy on the corner of this table, I am doing it.

"Oh... Uh..." I mutter as we look.

There it is. She is focused on the cloth napkin in front of her. This is perfect. Too perfect. I go to town. The corner is like my own slice of heaven. I let out an inaudible moan as I feel the ultimate pleasure taking me over. At this point, it is better than an orgasm. At this point, I am feeling so much better. And I have no idea, that Derek is watching me.

"So?" My grandma asks as she looks up. I quickly pull away from the table and look at the napkins. "Well, The rug in the dining room is mostly green. Go with the burgundy and it will tie in nicely." I tell her with a nod.

"You are right." She agrees with a nod as she grabs them with satisfaction.

Okay, now I am on a mission. Earlier, it was mission whack the bush. Now, it is mission see what the hell is wrong. I continue my walk, trying so hard not to grab my crotch like a man scratching his sweaty balls. My mind is abuzz. I have no control over myself. I can't take it. I cannot take it.

"Were you just getting off?" Derek says with a huge smile as I walk by him.

"What? No! What are you talking about?" I ask in shock. He saw me. Damn-it, he saw me.

"You were fucking the table. I saw it. If you want to fuck, we can fuck." He says with a big nod and a smile.

"I was uh- Go away!" I say as I rush into the bathroom and shut the door in his face.

I quickly make my way to the toilet and rip my pants down. I don't even look before my hand goes to work. I let out panting moans as I feel my nails scratch the itch that has gotten out of control. It feels so good, I can't take it. I need to relieve the itch that has debilitated me. I love the way my nails feel digging to the flesh offering me the relief I need.

"Oh god yes..." I groan as I lay my head back.

"Having fun in there?" Derek asks with a chuckle from outside the door.

"You sick fuck... Get out of here!" I yell loudly as I look at the door. "Do you like listening to girls pee?"

"Occasionally." He jokes. I hear his feet over the slate floor. He is gone. Bastard.

Now to assess the damage. I can tell you, if Derek gave me something, I will rip his dick off and shove it so far up his ass her won't shit for a week. I take in a breath as I brace myself for the army I am sure I will see. I see something different. Red. Bumps. Ingrown hairs. This isn't Derek. I brought this on myself.

There is a thing. It's called Yahoo! Answers. Great fun. If you are bored, nothing is better than reading the stupid ass questions that some people ask. And what's worst is the answering. Going there, you will find humor, occasionally some good advice, and then condescending attitude. Well, now is the time for Yahoo! Answers. I need answers and relief.

I pull up my pants and quietly sneak away. I trot down the stairs into my room and grab my laptop. Thank god for wireless. I lay on my bed and begin typing. Well, it seems that I may have messed up. I forgot moisturizer. I ripped hair from a place that needs it. I stripped the skin of it's protection and it's moisture, and no I have cause problems. I should have used oil, or lotion, maybe not so hot of water. And I went directly against the hair. It was too sensitive. It wasn't used to the assault. I hurt myself. No matter what, it looks like I am supposed to be fine in a few days. After it grows out a little. Then I will condition it. It needs to be done in steps.

"What's going on?" Derek asks as he rushes in with Mark. Derek gives me a firm slap on the ass and lays next to me. "What is this?" He asks as he spins the laptop around. Before he gets a look, I flip it shut.

"Nothing." I say frankly. "Nothing."

"I see." He says as he looks into my eyes. "I might need..." He trails off, looking at Mark.

"Are you kidding me?" Mark asks in shock as he looks at us both.

"We don't mind an audience." He jokes as he looks up.

"Leaving." Mark grumbles as he walks off.

"So... I'd like a fuck now." Derek tells me frankly.

"Uh... I can't." I say as I sit up. I can't let him see that. "I- I have a problem."

"A problem, huh?" He asks with a smirk. "What kind of problem is that?" He asks with a smile as he looks at me.

"It's uh... No big deal." I say as I jump off of the bed and stand.

"Oh... Come on... You want to fuck me. Get on your back, spread your legs and let's get this done." He says with a smirk.

"I can't... Okay? I have an issue." I growl as I look at him.

"Are you on your period? Just my fucking luck..." Derek says with disappointment.

"No... Not that." I say quickly, almost embarrassed. "I'm-"

"You are turning red. What the hell is wrong with you?" He laughs as he looks at me.

"I uh... I may have an issue. A bikini area shaving issue..." I tell him as I turn more red and wince.

"Did you cut yourself?" He asks as he looks at my pussy.

"It's worst than that." I pout as I itch my crotch. "So much worse..."

"You're itchy. Oh my god... Do you have crabs?" He asks in shock.

"No! I just- I didn't- This is bad. Just don't worry about it. Go ride the unicycle or something." I say as I turn away in shame.

"But I want to ride you." Derek tells me as he walks up. "Come on."

"You don't want to. Believe me. You just- You don't want to. It's really bad down there." I say as I look up.

"You were fine... Why did you go shaving?" Derek asks simply.

"It was wild and I-" I started as I took in a breath.

"You did it for me?" He asks as a grin grows on his face.

"No! I wouldn't do it for you! I did it for me. It needs to be done." I tell him frankly. "Like I would shave myself for you."

"Well, It can't be that bad." Derek says frankly. "And I need a fuck." He tells me as he looks down at me crotch and then his own. "I am ready to bust a load. Come on... Cum on." He says as he lays me back. "Quick."

"I- Once you see it..." I groan softly.

"I can handle it." Derek tells me as he quickly undoes his pants. "Let's go."

"Fine, you fuck. You are lucky that I fucking want it as bad as you do!" I spit as I rip my pants off. "Fast. I have shit to do today." I tell him as I toss my clothes in a pile with his. I lay back, my hair cascading around my head and wait for his shocked look.

"Holy shit!" Derek says as he looks down at me. "Did you use fucking electric hedge trimmers?"

"I knew it. Just fucking forget this!" I growl at him loudly as I sit up.

"No!" Derek says, his hard member begging for it. He couldn't stop if he wanted to. "I just... Wow. You are raw. You need to put something on it." He says with a frown. "Does it itch?"

"Insanely bad." I frown as I look at him.

"Yeah... It will. You just..." Derek said in shock. "You did a good job... It looks good. Just read and... Next time... Wow." He says as he shakes his head and rolls the condom on his hard cock.

"You're going to take it anyway?" I ask in shock as he lays over me.

"You bet your ass I am." He says with a grin as he slides his hard cock into me hard.

"Ah!" I gasp at the force that just overtook my body. "Holy... Ah..." I sigh as he slows his pace withdrawing and sliding back in gently. "Time is a factor here!" I say quickly.

"But you were-" He starts as he looks down at me.

"Now... Hard. Now!" I yell as I wrap my legs around him and rock my hips with his motion. I let out panting moans, he is scratching the itch. He is scratching two itches.

"Okay." Derek tells me with a smirk as he firmly places his hand on either side of me.

It was rough. Derek pumped harder and harder, our bodies sliding in perfect motion. His hard cock was assaulting my tiny pussy, but that was fine. I could take the pain, knowing what was to come. I dig my nails into Derek's back as he hastily and needfully sucks my neck. As I look into his eyes, he pumps hard and fast, needing it as much as I do. We both need the sex. We need the release. We need it so bad.

"Oh god... You fucker... You are- Fuck me, Derek..." I cry out as I throw my body at him. I firmly grasp his ass, guiding him faster. At the moment, he can't go fast enough to satisfy my needs.

"Mer... Holy shit... Look at you... Oh god." He shouted as he took my breast into his mouth and sucked heartily.

"Oh wow... Oh wow... Oh my..." I shout as I grasp handfuls of his ass as hard as I can. He bites down hard on my nipple sending chills into my core. My core needs him. It's hot. My ample fluid is sloshing around, making friction no longer an issue. I can feel the juice dripping down all over myself. "Harder, you fucker... You aren't shit. I need it better than this." I say, taunting him.

"Like you can fucking handle it." He laughs as he slams his mass into me, almost tearing me in two.

"Oh god yeah... Whoa... Stop." I say as I look into his eyes. He ceases motion and looks at me. "Now... Go! Go!" I shout, telling him to do it faster. "Now... Oh yeah... Oh yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh... There! Oh god... Oh god... YEAH!" I shout as it comes hard and fast, causing me to quiver.

"Oh yeah... Fuck yes, you little..." Derek groans as he climaxes and lets his cum fill the condom.

"Oh..." I pant as he lays on my. "Get your heavy ass off of me." I say after I feel him shirk inside of me. He withdraws as I push him off.

"That was good." Derek agrees with a big nod.

"It was. Really good." I agree as I look over. I have things to do... But shit. My mind is gone. The sex fog sucked common sense out.

"So... I have a rule. A rule that we need to add." Derek said as he looked over at me.

"Okay..." I say hesitantly as I look at him.

"We do whatever the other says. Unless you will get hurt or get in some shit, you do it. I do it. Anything. Anywhere." He says with a smirk. "Yeah?"

"Hell yeah. What do I have to lose?" I ask with a chuckle.


	8. Not Teasing

I haven't been home. I am always here. I am always at my grandma's. I'm here for the booty call, and I am loving every minute of it. The sex is amazing. I can't even try to deny that. It makes everything worthwhile when he slides that thick cock deep inside of me. He is my addiction. His penis. His body. The sex... It has taken me over. It's all I want.

My friend is dying. Any day now. How great does that sound? Everyone is waiting for her to die. It's sad. It makes you sick. She's young, she has three kids and now she is going to die. I can't bring myself to go see her. And even if I could, I shouldn't be going. She is dying and her family should be there with her. Not me.

"Are you texting your loser girlfriend again?" I ask Mark as I look over.

"She is not a loser!" Mark tells me frankly.

"She's with you. Must be a loser." I say with a shrug as I look up at him from the floor.

"No more of a loser than you!" Mark taunts as he looks at his phone then back at me.

"Do you want to come down here and say that to my face, you shit eater?" I ask angrily.

"Maybe I will." He says as he tossed his phone aside and rushed over to me.

"Oh really!" I spit as I kick him in his shin.

"Fuck! Ouch... What the hell was that?" He asks in shock as he grabs his shin.

"That would be me fighting you!" I said as I sat up and grabbed him behind the knees, bringing him down.

"Oh you've done it now..." He says as he falls on top of me. "Hey!" He yells as I pinch him in the side.

"What the hell are you going to do, pussy?" I taunt as I look into his eyes.

Before I know it, he has me on my stomach with my hands behind me and his elbow in my back. As hard as I struggle, I can't get free. I try to wiggle out, but find it nearly impossible. I swing my legs up and attempt to kick him as hard as I can. I finally give up. Or let him think I gave up.

"Give up?" Mark asks as he wrenches my arms.

"Uh huh... Yeah." I say quickly as I nod my head.

"I thought so." He laughs as he releases me and climbs to his feet. Just as he gets up and turns away, I jump to my feet and pummel him. "What the fuck!" He yells as I wrap my arms around him.

"You never learn, Mer." Derek said as he walked in and shook his head at me. "Mer... You are tiny. You don't even stand a chance."

"I could take him. I could beat his ass." I shout as I wrap my legs around him. Before I know it, he drops to his knees. Like a horse with a horsefly on it's back, he rolls around and tries to rub me off on the floor.

"Help, Derek. Help." I cry out as Mark smashes me.

"Hell no." Derek mutters as he sits down and changes the channel on the t.v. "You are on your own."

"Are you going to stop?" Mark asks with a chuckle.

"No." I say frankly. "I am not, you ass fuck."

"That's it!" Mark spits as he shoves me. Before I can say a word, it's in there. In my mouth. His big sock covered clown foot is in my mouth. I taste things. It's gross and salty. I feel like I am going to puke. I quickly bit down as hard as I can. "Ouch you fucker!" He yells as he pulls his foot away.

I quickly climb to my feet and rush to the bathroom. I cannot get that taste out of my mouth fast enough. I start to feel sick as I rinse my mouth out with Listerine. Anti-septic. I definitely need that. I am sure that Mark's foot is toxic. I turn green as I look in the mirror. Thirty seconds is not enough. I think this warrants thirty minutes of pain and suffering. I need acid. Acid to burn the flesh off so I can start over.

I don't let things go. I never let things go. I never forget when someone has screwed with me. And Mark has gotten me good twice. Well now I will get him good. I quietly sneak into his room. He and Derek are so wrapped up in whatever shit they are watching, they don't even notice me. I use the tiny bit of light that is shining through the window to guide me. A smile covers my face as I get into his bag and start puling out boxers.

I smile as I fold them in half. A heart. Who doesn't like hearts? I hate them. But anyway. A heart will suit him fine. I grab the scissors and begin cutting. Just like a kid making paper snowflakes, the fabrics falls. I happily look at each and every pair with a new design. Just wait until he pulls those on. I quickly grab the mess of fabric scraps and throw them in the trash. I shove the ruined boxers back in the bag and sneak out.

"What are you doing?" Derek asks loudly, causing me to jump.

"Oh shit!" I yell as I look over. I have to smile, seeing Mark there, no idea what was going on. I'm so mad at him, I can barely take it.

"Come over here." Derek tells me with a smirk.

Normally I wouldn't. I don't love him. I don't care about him. But right now, I am mad at Mark. And more than anything, Mark hates to see his cousin and his friend together. He hates seeing us in compromising situations and positions. And now... I hate him. I quickly trot over to the sofa and plop down. Now to make trouble. And I am so good at it.

I'm not really sure what Mark thinks of this little relationship that I have with his best friend. He is actually a conservative guy. Maybe he has to learn. Eventually I'm sure that he will be a whore in no time. All guys do. They all whore themselves out. But with guys it is different. They aren't considered whores. Only women are whores. Anyway at this point, he is a little punk-ass jerk, and I love to torture him. And I think rubbing my little fuck-fest in his face is the way to do it.

"What exactly do you want, Derek?" I ask coyly as I rub my hand on his leg. I can already see it rising.

"Hmm..." Derek mutters as he grasps my far thigh and pulls me onto his lap. "You are a tease, you know that, right?" He asks as his hands grasp my ass tightly.

"No..." I clarify as I grind my dripping wet pussy into his jean covered rising cock. "A tease teases and doesn't give you what you want. I give you what you want. Therefore, I am not a tease! I'm just a whore..." I giggle loudly as he buries his face in my chest and nestles in between my breasts.

"No... Not a whore. Not at all." He tells me as I continue to dry fuck him on the spot. Mark is too engrossed in his texts to even notice us at the moment. "And if you insist you are a whore... You are my whore."

"Maybe I have guys." I suggest as I grasp his shoulders and grind myself into him harder and faster. My thighs spread over his lap, knees bent.

"You have guys, huh? I thought that was against the rules." He pointed out as he grasped my back and massaged it, rubbing his cock against my pussy.

"The rule was that we couldn't be in a relationship. Fucking other guys is not being in a relationship." I tell him as I feel my body reacting to the pseudo sex that he is bestowing upon me. "Just fucking..."

"Oh god..." Derek groans as his cock begins to pulsate, it's chambers spilling over with the blood, sending to towards the edge. "So you are fucking other guys?" He asks frankly. I think I may see some jealously in there. I don't know why. This is straight fucking, and I am giving him as much as he can handle. He isn't missing out on anything.

"Don't... Oh god... Don't... Oh... Fucking worry about it. I am fucking you now..." I cry out as I lay my head back and start panting, my hips flying wildly. Derek slidies his hand up my shirt and massages my bra covered breasts.

"Oh my god! You sick fucks. Can't you keep your fucking hands off of each other?" Mark asks in disgust as he looks over.

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck baby... Oh god!" He shouts as he thrusts his jean covered cock against me.

"Oh god... I'm cumming. I am cumming." I scream as I lean forward and rub my chest against him. I pull away as my body starts to spasm.

"Fuck... Me too!" He yells as he buries his face in my chest and grunts loudly. "Yeah...fuck yeah!" He shouts as he releases himself and looks into my glazed over pre-orgasm eyes.

"Oh god, Derek! Oh god... Oh..." I cry out as I feel myself start to quiver all over, the large waves coming over me, my juices flowing freely. "Oh yeah..." I moan softly as I lay my head back. I feel Derek's hands cover my chest and grasp my breasts.

"What's the matter, Mark? Can't handle it?" Derek asks with a chuckle as he looks over. "I take that back. You look like you can handle it just fine."

"Oh my god, Mark. You're hard!" I laugh as I look at his pole standing up and hard before me.

"Fuck you guys! You can't fuck in front of me and expect nothing!" He whines. "I have to... Go."

"No... I think you have to cum." I laugh as he marches to his room, stomping all the way. I can feel Derek going flaccid as I sit atop him with a big grin on my face. I feel his mouth go to my neck. It seems to be a place that he likes to go to. "Oh Derek..."

"Mark..." I hear my uncle yell as his loud footsteps make it down the stairs.

"Fuck." I say as I pull myself from him and make my way to the other side of the sofa. I try to sit there nonchalantly as I stare at the t.v., having no idea what is going on. I don't look up as he walks down and into the room, looking at us.

"Have you seen Mark?" He asks as he looks at us.

"Bedroom." I mutter as I look over.

"Mark... So you want to come with me? I'm going to the mall to pick up some stuff." My uncle says as he knocks on the door.

"I'll be out in a minute!" He shouts. I know he is in there frantically pumping his cock, begging for relief. I can't help but wonder exactly what he is picturing in his head.

"Hurry up!" My uncle says as he walks away from the door and back to us. "What are you watching?"

"Don't know. It sucks." I say with a shrug. No idea what it is. I can still feel the tiny contractions in my uterus.

"Oh. Well, tell Mark that I'll be upstairs waiting for him." He says as he walks away. "Oh... Derek... It looks like you pissed your pants." He says with a chuckle as he continues on his way. I quickly look over at him and begin laughing hysterically. He has a good sized wet spot on his jeans. He had released a good-sized load.

"Holy shit..." He mutters as he looks down at his crotch. "I think I need a shower... " He says as he rubs it and stands up. He starts to walk away and looks back. "So do you want to join me?"

"Hmm... How can I refuse?" I tell him with a giggle as I jump up. Seriously, who can refuse slippery, wet, shower sex?

I have never done this. I have never had shower sex. It's too intimate. But right now I have that need. Right now, the juices are still running down my leg from the not-so-dry fuck. And now, my core is starting to heat up to a dangerous degree. Derek is walking out of his clothes. I have never seen it done so swiftly. It was like they just fell as he continued his forward movement.

As soon as we make it in the bathroom, I peel off my shirt. My lace demi-bra is pushing the girls up, probably making them look a little better than they actually do. Derek flips on the hot water and the steam starts filling the bathroom. I like steam. Steam is good. Steam makes it hard to see. I am not completely comfortable with myself. As I drop my pants, I see Derek looking at my matching brazilian cut panties. As I quickly peer the remaining scraps of fabric from my body, Derek opens the door.

"Condom." I tell him frankly. No glove, no love. I really believe in that. I am fucking Derek like crazy, but I don't know him. Not really.

"Seriously?" He whines as he looks at me. I hope he is not one of those guys. I want the condom. I have never done it without a condom. The thought scares the hell out of me.

"Okay. No condom, no fuck. I don't know what you are carrying around. And yes, I am on bitch control, but I don't need any STDs." I tell him as I cross my arms and stand there, the hot water now washing down the drain.

"I don't have any STDs. And I have never fucked without a condom." Derek said frankly. "Ever."

"Well, you aren't losing your anti-condom virginity to me!" I tell him as I throw a condom at him. "If you want to taste this pussy, you will put that on. I have something in my bag that can take care of my needs if I need to. I do not need you." I say with a nod.

"Okay. Fine." Derek said with a nod as he looked at me. He quickly ripped the package open and began rolling it on his hard cock. I had forgotten to look at the cock. The cock is amazing. All ten and a half inches standing there. His velvety head is red and shiny. He's ready for me, and god knows I am ready for him. "Come on..." He says as he makes the wrap it up signal with his hands. I quickly pull then off and let the pink fabric fall to the floor.

"Oh god..." Derek muttered as he looks into my eyes and pulls me into the shower I hear the glass door click as I step into the hot water. A smile covers his face as he pushes my back against the cold tile wall. I can feel the hot water trickling down my stomach and over my now semi-bare mound, just a landing strip of soft hair. I feel the hot water running between my lips and ticking my sensitive clitoris.

"Just fuck me." I tell him as I reach around and grasp the tight flesh of his back. Derek smiles as he leans in and puts his mouth to my collarbone. "The hot water will run out." I tell him as I rub my breasts against his face.

"It will." He agrees, knowing how long the water lasts. "Bend over." He tells me frankly as he spins me around. "Put your hands on the wall."

"Oh god..." I moan as I place my hands on the cold wall. I can feel his cock nudging my wet slit. I am spread wide open for him. My hot pink center is exposed and begging for him to slide right in. "Oh..."

"You like that?" He asked in heavy breathing as he taps his head against my clit, attempting to get my tight folds to relax and allow him entrance.

"Oh god yes! Just do it!" I shout as I back my ass up to him, attempting to get that steel rod as deep inside of me as I can take. I hit him hard, only about an inch sliding in.

"You're too tight. Patience..." He warns as he rubs himself along me. "Too damn tight." He repeats as he slowly slides in.

"Oh god! Fill me up. Oh yes... Fill me!" I shout as my walls press him hard. "Fuck me!"

"Oh god... Mer... Fuck!" He shouts as he pulls out and slides back in.

My abundant fluid allows him to go in and out with ease, even if I am constricting him tightly. My body takes the brunt of his force, my hands absorbing shock as he rams to over and over again. I try to take more of him in, spreading my legs, but it is next to impossible. Derek lays his body over mine as he slides. The hot water glides down our slick flesh. I feel Derek pull out. Before he slide back in, I feel a sharp smack on my ass.

"Oh yeah!" I yell loudly. "Spank me! Spank me!" Derek gives me another hard whack before he rams back into my cores. I can feel the stinging on my flesh from his sharp hits and the hot water.

"Oh god, Mer... Oh god!" Derek yells as he feels his balls ready to explode.

"Oh god... Harder, Derek... Harder you fucker!" I yell as I throw my weight against him. I can feel the tingle in my core. I'm ready to cum. I am ready to go into violent contractions. Our bodies slam with force as I start panting heavily. I need it. I need to feel him. I need to fall over the edge. I slam my hips over and over again as Derek leans back and penetrates me over and over, filling me to the brink.

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck... I'm gonna blow!" He shouts as he quickens his pace.

"Oh yeah... Oh yeah... Oh god... It's- There- There... Oh god! Oh my- Oh..." I pant as everything falls gracefully into place. I gasp for air as my uterus and vagina contract around his spurting cock. We lean motionless as our bodies instinctively react. "Oh..." I moan when he finally slides himself out. I can't take it. I am exhausted, I quickly crash to the floor breathlessly.

"That good, huh?" Derek asks with a smirk as he looks down at me.

"Yeah." I gasp as I nod my head and look up. It was that good.


	9. Hard On

It's unbelievable how easy it is to have crazy hot sex right under my family's nose. I mean, I am obviously having sex nonstop like a rabbit in their basement, and it goes unnoticed. I think that adds to the fun. Knowing that we could get caught turns me on like nothing else. It's like I am supercharged. I can cum without a moment's notice if he asks me to.

Christmas dinner has always been fun. And when I say fun, I actually mean hell. True to life hell. I hate the holiday. Not what it means, but I hate the commercialization of it all. I hate how it makes people insane. People do get insane. Apparently the suicide rate goes up too. I think it is some kind of pandemic. People get violent. They get greedy. And then they feel so guilty about it, that they kill themselves.

Anyhow, back to Christmas dinner. I hate it. I don't have to dress up. That is what my grandmother says. When I was younger, I always did. Not a dress, I do not like dresses. I would put on a nice pair of pants and a top. This Christmas, I am wondering if I should dress up. Then I realize that we go to my aunt's the next day, and there it is mandatory. So that means no dressing up for me.

You have to realize that my family is uptight casual. That is what I call them. Even when they are casual, they are not. There are words you don't say. There are topics that are taboo. I am used to side stepping issues, and pretending that things that are bad in the world don't exist.

"So, Derek... Don't you feel horrible that you aren't with your family today?" My grandmother asks as she passes food around the table. we've already done the force prayer.

"My mom needed to see her sister. I can understand that." Derek agreed with a nod as he accepted a basket of rolls. "She hadn't seen her in yeas."

"Well, that is nice." My grandmother agrees with a smile as she shovels food onto her plate. As I look around the table, the amount of food on the table is a slap in the face. There are starving people and by the end of the dinner, we will throw out enough food to feed a nation.

Eating is hard. You were never realize how hard it is until you are in a position that makes it not so easy. I am trying. I try to eat the mashed potatoes. I'm not really a fan of that starch that grows under the earth. I mean look at it. You have to scrub it to get the dirt off. No thank you. Anyway, dinner is hard when all you can do is look next to me into blue eyes. But the thing is, I don't give a shit about his eyes. It's that tool. It's the big cock that is in his pants. For a cock that big, it has to be confining. I think it's either forced into a ball, or laying down his leg. He is inches away. We are crammed into the table lie sardines. So close. Okay, so now do you see, just how difficult it is to eat.

So now, my grandma is talking about aunt Betty. Yeah, I love aunt Betty, but do you know what I love more? Cock. I am moaning in my head. I am thinking about it as we speak. My core it hot. I am dripping wet just thinking about that slipping and sliding. I can feel his strong body against mine. I love it when he lays over me, showing he is in control. Apparently, Derek is thinking the same damn thing. I feel him grab my hand. As first I pull it away, I have no idea what he is doing. He makes another grab for me and holds it to the crotch. Holy shit he is hard. I think he is about an inch from lifting the table off of the floor. He's a rock hard rod, ready to pierce through his pants.

I'm a little devil. A vixen. A vixen in a female fox. And they are cunning and coy, right? Well, that is what I am. I know this, because here my fingers go. I ever so gently unzip Derek's pants. It was quiet. Not the usual zip sound resonating. Not that they would hear. This family is so damn loud, they wouldn't hear sirens going off. In my hand goes. Into the cave I work my way in. Through the boxer briefs. And there it is, it pops out so easily.

Derek's eyes get wide. I don't think he was expecting this. I think he just wanted to make me hot. I think he wanted to tease me. Now it is I who teases him as I run my thumb over his red velvety head. I swirl it around and around. My hand grasps the pole tightly. It feels so amazing. So hard in my hand. Truly his flesh is soft over this hard meat. I can feel the vein running along him. He is all man. And god I am dripping.

Derek groans softly as he sucks in breath. See, I am talented. I have mad skills that people only wish they could posses. I am eating. With one hand, I am lifting spoonfuls of food to my mouth. And with the other hand, I am jacking this man off. I am doing a damn good job of it. I can feel him swelling in my hand as I run up and down, up and down. Derek is trying to eat, but he can't. There is no way to eat when a girl has her hand on your cock and is going to work so meticulously.

He's ready to cum. The family is talking about the latest gossip, and he is ready to blow a load on our table. I abandon the cock, only to receive an "Oh no you didn't." Look on his face. I massage the boys. They are rock hard and tight against his body. He is more than ready. My tired hand quickly grasps again, this time squeezing just a little tighter. My one hand is having a hell of a time trying to do it. Up and down. Up and down. Such a little motion has him feeling unbelievable pleasure. I can feel him starting to pulsate. I pump harder and tighter.

"Derek... Ar you okay?" My uncle asks as he looked up at him. Derek's face is beat red in a pre-orgasmic fog.

"Fine." Derek gasps as I continue on, nonchalantly. Harder, harder, harder and there it goes. I can feel the spurting going on as my hand goes silent. He is shooting messy loads all over. Another pissy day. My uncle will think there is an incontinence problem here. "Horseradish." Derek manages to spit out as he continues to cum.

"That stuff will kick your ass!" My uncle tells him with a nod, the table agreeing. As I sit there with my shit-eating grin on my face, I run my hand along the underside of the table. It's gross, I know. But I need to know. The curiosity is killing me. I feel it. Slippery and wet. He sprayed our table. I let out a loud belly laugh as I sit there. They look at me like I am insane. Derek looks at me like I am dead. I know I have it coming. And I can't wait.

After dinner, we open presents. But before presents, we have the dishes. My grandma is one of the freaks that washes dishes before she washes dishes in the dishwasher. And I am not susie homemaker. I don't plan on being her. So I avoid. I am semi-nice and scrape the food from the plates into the trash. As I stand there, semi-bent over, I feel a hand cop a feel of my mound. I knew it was coming. I told you so.

I have to admit, I am a whore. I get off damn easy, and it feels good. People are around, but Derek is smart. All I want to do it stay there and grind against his hand, imagining that gigantic cock between my lips. No my mouth lips. My pussy lips. My dripping wet, needing pussy lips. I feel Derek pull away. Who's the teasing bitch now?

"Mer... Can you take the trash out?" My grandmother asked as she walks in. "To the garage."

"Of course. But you know I won't come back, right?" I ask her honestly. Why can't the worthless men do the stuff around the house. I am not their slaves. Not by any means. In bed, I am more than happy to be a slave. But if you hand me a pan, the only thing you will get is a crack upside the head.

I walk out. I know he is near. I can feel it. His hot breath is grazing my neck as I stalk away from him. I make my way through the double doors. He shuts each door behind him. Just as I get ready to lift the lid open to the can, he grips my sides. I squeal softly as I drop the bag.

"You're a little bitch." Derek says as he spins me around. I look at him. He will not call me that. I quickly raise my hand and crack him across the face.

"Don't call me that!" I spit as I glare at him, my eyes piercing his.

"Oh, honey... I only mean it in the most respectful of terms." He says with a smirk. "And I think you have it coming to you. Jacking me off at the table. So naughty and nice..."

"I like naughty." I say frankly as I look at him. His eyes are dark. It's just need. Pure sexual need. He shoves me back against the car just a little too hard. I have to admit, I like it a little rough.

"Than you deserve a spanking. Some discipline. You are a bad little girl." He growls as he looks at me, ripping his pants down. He is hard and ready once again. I decide this time, I will let him take charge. He quickly rolls the condom on and begins to play at my jeans. He wants me as much as I want him.

"You were bad. So bad." He says as he grabs my face roughly. My eyes get wide as his mouth comes near mine. No kissing. He is breaking a rule. He grips me so I can't turn away and he forces his tongue into my mouth. Now this is a tongue lashing. A tongue lashing at it finest. I pull away angrily. I can't believe he did that. "That is what bad girls get." He tells me as he grips my arms tightly and shoves me against the car.

I can't help but go limp. The man is giving me what I want. I am up against the car, his body covering mine. He is ready to fill me up. He is ready to cum inside of me. Well, in the condom. I kick my jeans off and spread my legs. I was a bad girl. Oh so bad. I wrap one long leg around him as I keep the other on the ground. He goes in deep and hard. Way too deep. Way too hard.

"Ahhh!" I scream softly as I feel the pain that has ripped me apart. Derek smiles. The rat bastard is smiling with satisfaction.

"You know you fucking like it." He growls as he grips my thighs and throws me up on the hood of the car. My back slams down, and he never misses a beat. I feel him pushing and pulling into my core. he leans forward and lifts my shirt, kissing my abdomen. I love every minute of it, but I refuse to show him any sign of satisfaction or affection. "You are a tight little fuck. So much tighter than that little hand of yours!" He shouts as he struggles to go deeper. I feel him stand and grip my thighs tightly, ripping them apart. "Look at you, spreading your legs. My bad girl wants it bad, doesn't she?"

"Fuck you, Derek! I am not your girl. Fuck you... Oh fuck... ME! Fuck me!" I scream loudly. Probably too loudly. But the man is more than waking me up with his hard member deep seated inside.

"Oh god... Oh god... You like it. You fucking like it. Scream my name. Do it." He says as he grasps me tightly. "Scream my name!"

"Derek! Derek! Oh god... Derek!" I yell as he pumps harder and deeper. I can feel the beads of sweat forming on my hairline. I can feel the sweat on the small of my back. Derek has his hands all over my body. He wants it. He needs it.

"That's what I thought!" He grunts as he begins to go faster, feeling my tight walls well on their way. "You like your discipline. You got off on it... Oh fuck! Oh...You tight little..." He shouts as he leans in, making his thrusts shorter and faster. "Oh god. Oh my fucking... Oh!" He spits as he cums into the condom shooting his hot spurts of man into the rubber.

"Oh yes...Oh yes... Oh yes... Oh god... You have the biggest cock! Oh... There it is...right...Oh...There!" I yell as I cum hard and fast, my walls, and uterus strangling him hard. "Oh..." I moan as I lay my tired head back and let my fluid run all over myself. I am sure that the car is covered in me. I look up at Derek. His eyes are closed. He is spent in every meaning of the word. I feel him slide out, leaving a void. I moan as he pulls me to my feet, legs buckling.

"Damn girl..." He mutters as he looks at me. I feel like I went through war. Derek looks down at the hood of the car and his eyes get wide. "Look at that. That is all you." He says in amazement. I laugh as I wipe my sleeve across the car. "That is good shit."

"That it is." I agree with a nod as I pull my pants up. I am seriously addicted. This cannot be good.

--

My grandma goes to church. I am supposed to go to church. But I am not so into. In fact, I am not into it at all. I find it boring. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. But I don't think I need to find god that way. My grandma wanted to be a nun. A true to life nun. That was her dream. She never did it. Something happened, I probably wasn't listening when she told me that story, but nonetheless, she did not. If she had, I would not be here. Well I hope not. Because if she is a nun and I was here, we have problems. Serious problems.

Well grandma has one request every year. I will always ask her the same question. What do you want for Christmas? I always receive the same answers. First, a handmade card. Apparently she is holding on to something. She is holding onto the scraps of my childhood. I always tell her the same thing. I do not have time to make you a car. It's probably as shitty and insensitive answer. I mean, she is healthy, but eventually she will die. We will all die. And will I regret not making her that card that she wanted so badly? There is no way of knowing. Knowing me, probably not. So I always hand her a card. Store bought. I hate them. I think they are the stupidest thing. I have always operated the same way when I receive one. Rip and dump. If money comes out, great. If not, trash. Like I said, I hate cards. All I need is the envelope. Full of cash, if you please.

The second gift is one I always give her. It's a ridiculous gift. A gift that she should not ask for. To me, a gift is material. A sweater. A gift is the wretched sweater that makes you sick just looking at it. The red knit one with the Christmas tree with the real bells on it. The one that jingles all the way. That is a gift. It's disgusting, but it works. There are all kinds of gifts. Food. Food is great. Clothes never work out. Ever. Occasionally you will get some useful stuff. If not, it goes somewhere. My grandma is an avid regifter. I on the other hand, am an avid stacker. I stack it all in the corner of my closet. You can tell what year it is from by the layers of dust. So anyhow, the gift. Church. Seriously? Seriously? Who requests that? She does. It's hell, but I do it. I do it because I have to.

So I get dressed up. Apparently, barn clothes don't work. No muddy boots. No fleece jacket covered in hay. No torn jeans. This is one of those times when I have to wear dress clothes. I mean, I am going. She should take what she can get. But no, she pushes for more. And the whole family goes. And we suffer. We suffer together. In church hell. If that isn't an enigma, I don't know what it.

Derek is going. His mom does church. His whole family does. I bet he was even an alter boy. I will never ask. I have no interest in such things. But I do have interest in one thing. Cock. Yep, cock. And I can't get that at church. I moan as we all pile in the car. I want my frustration to be heard throughout the land.

"Don't smile." I growl at Derek. He is just way too fucking happy. Way to happy. This is church.

"What? You don't like church?" He mocks as he drive along, all together.

"Shut up." I say, signaling to him to back off. I am not having this conversation with him.

I look good. Really good. Derek had never seen me looking good. I wonder if he notices. I wonder if his cock is jumping like a begging dog. I don't see it. It actually makes me kind of sad. I'd love to see some iron action right now. I would love to see it. So yes, I look good. And damn-it, Derek had on a red shirt that is heating up my core like an inferno. I wonder what everyone would think if they knew I was creamy-white right now.

So church to me is boring. I don't know what they are talking about. I have never paid attention. I'm not knocking it. It's great. For some people it is the best thing. But it isn't my thing. Not close. So I choose to count lights. There are well over one-hundred. And fans. There are fifteen fans. I count. Over an over. Occasionally I come up with different numbers, and have to recount. That just adds to the fun.

One thing you should know, I laugh spontaneously. At the worst times. Like in church. They are talking, and I am struggling to keep it all in. First it is a faint giggle. Then it is near a full-on belly laugh. Then, I have to try and reel myself in. See, people tend to look when you are laughing. In church. They now place me next to grandma. The gestapo. The enemy. This only makes me laugh harder. The more they get mad the more I lose control.

Okay. So laughing is bad. You know what is worse? Cock. Thinking about cock in church cannot be good. And I am looking at it. I think it is starting to rise. We rise, it rises. It wants me. It wants to slide deep in my walls. It wants to taste my wet folds. I look at it. My core is watering. My mouth is watering. I'd take it in anywhere. Wherever he sticks it, I will take it. I look up at him and lick my lips. I want the cock. I want the cock. Derek gives me a wink. That is all it takes. I'm gushing and laughing.

I giggle loudly. His body rubbing mine. His hard member begging to have me. I can feel his mouth my my flesh. My breasts laying on his hard chest as he pulls me against him. His cock sliding in and out as I rise and fall. Our juices flowing freely as I ride like it is the ride of my life. I can feel his hands on my ass as I rock his world. Such good thoughts. Good giggly thoughts.

"Out." My grandma growls as she looked at me. "Go." She says again. Damn. I just get kicked out of church. So much for my impure thoughts. I will just take them to the car with me. And Derek, he things it's funny. I see the smirk. Bullshit. Complete bullshit. So, this is fun. Now he will get it. Now he needs a spanking. Bad boy.


	10. Who's the Boss?

Okay... I have to admit. As I am walking out of this church, I am damn mad. I know that Derek was having the same thoughts as I was. I mean come on. A man cannot stick his ten and a half inch schlong inside of you and stand next to you like it is nothing, never thinking about it. I grumble as I walk out. They are looking at me. All of this church people, parishioners, I think... They are judging me. I shrug and hold my head high. I have the cock to go home to. What do they have?

Now I have a slight problem. In my angry rant, I realize that I have no keys. It's freezing out, and no keys for me. No way to get into the car. I refuse to go back in there. I walked out with my head high and I am not going back in with my head dropped. So I sit on the cement wall, which freezes your ass literally when you sit on it.

Apparently church on Christmas Eve is a big deal. I say this because there is now a line. There are people standing outside the door waiting to get in. I feel bad for the people that will be coming out. They are definitely going to be rushed by this happy mob of religious folk. The only advice I can offer is watch the canes. Not only do they make excellent beating sticks, but they off a means to trip someone. At least now, these people think I am also waiting also. They don't know the truth, that I have been banished.

So. I like hot guys. Who doesn't like hot guys? Me, I'm a clean cut kind of girl. And as I stand there, I see this fine piece of meat before me. There this hotness stands before me looking well, hot. Nice indigo stonewash jeans hanging on his hips. His black leather jacket looks amazing. And then you have the great shoes. The guy is hot. And if I were still looking in the fuck buddy business, I would be snatching him up. Alas, I have Derek.

So you remember that I have that knack for cock guessing. Well this guy, I fear he isn't too big. Not well endowed. He is tiny. I can just tell these things. You know how you go to the amusement ark and they have a guess your weight stand. Well, I'm going to get in on this action. It will be a guess the schlong size booth. I am the true winner here. See, I figured this out already. I will always guess small. I don't care about giving away the stuffed animals because I screwed up. See, they have to prove it. That means I would be looking at cock all day. How much better could it get? So that is me, schlong guesser. Oh how I long to guess the schlong.

"Hey..." Derek says softly as he rushes by. I was so far gone in my schlong guessing game I didn't even realize that I missed the rush excitement.

"I'm in deep shit, right?" I ask as I jump up and follow him to the car. They are behind. And I am afraid. Very afraid.

"You are fucked." Derek says frankly as we walk. "What the hell was wrong with you?" He asks as he shakes his head.

"I was thinking about cock." I say with a sigh as we near the car. I hear the sound of elephants, it must be Mark running up.

"Mer... Grandma is so pissed at you." Mark says with a chuckle. "You are so screwed."

"Yeah. I think we established that." I tell him with a frown. I care, but I don't care. I am hardcore. I am tough. That tiny nighty-eight pound woman doesn't scare me. Or so I say.

I say nothing as we climb in the car. I am on the shit list. I am so high on the shit list it is scary. The only ones that aren't mad at me are Mark and Derek. The others, as I shall call them, are ostracizing me. They are ignoring me and treating me like I no longer exist. Okay. So I laugh in church and now I am going straight to hell. Awesome.

"I don't see what the big deal is!" I say frankly as I look around. "Aunt Claire was singing so loud the whole place was looking. Or it could have been that they smelled the beer coming off of her. And Grandpa fell asleep the whole time. He hates this more than I do. And Grandma, don't think I didn't see your head go back. You people are so condescending!" I say loudly as I shake my head and roll my eyes. They ignore me. It's what they do. They act like I don't exist. "I made it worse, didn't I?" I ask Mark frankly as I looked over.

"Well, let's put it this way. Before you dug a hole. Now you are in the grave." He says with a nod.

"Yep. I guess I did. But you guys are all condescending." I say louder, making sure they know.

Okay. So here is me. I am the way I am because I am the way I am. I apologize. But I don't usually mean it. I mean, rarely. Everyone says I'm sorry. I think we've all gotten so used to it that we just say it out of habit. See, I don't say things that I don't mean. So all that shit I just spat, I meant it. And they know it.

Apparently, something has awaken in me. I need to say I am sorry. Even if I don't want to. I will do it. I do it to keep the peace. I mean it will most likely be a huge load of bullshit, but I will still say it. Everyone is in the respective places. And grandma is alone in the kitchen. So I strike.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't stop. I know that is no excuse. It's just- You know how excited I get... About church and hearing the word and all that. I couldn't help it. I wanted to share my joy with everyone." I tell her with a smile. I am such a little bitch. And a fine deceiver. "I got caught up. It was inappropriate and I know it."

"Oh, Mer... It's okay. I know you don't like it. But it's the one thing... All of us together. It makes me feel like everything is great, even when it isn't." Grandma said with a weak smile.

"I know. And I am sorry. Maybe we could go to church together. This weekend?" I suggest. Oh holy shit! I did not have to add that in. Continually fucking myself here.

"That would be great." Grandma says with a genuine smile. Yep. That is my trickery.

"Well... Goodnight. I'm really tired." I say with a smile as I look at her. Or hungry for cock.

"Goodnight." The she-devil says as she hugs me. I want to vomit. I hate hugs. Hate.

I smile smugly as I walk away. I really am a devil. Maybe I am a bad person. I shake my head as I walked out the front door and to my car. See, I promised discipline. As I open the door I look down. Crop or bat? Crop or bat? I reach in and grab my black Beval crop, that one hurts more. I get a shit-eating grin on my face as I walk to the house. I will show him who's boss. Like I said... He was a bod boy. And I am an even badder girl.

I can feel the adrenaline pumping in my veins as I walk down the basement stairs. I have my crop tucked in the back pocket of my jeans. I want to surprise him. And oh will it be a surprise. See, I have a need. A strong need. I need him. I need him now. And honestly, I may just fuck him hardcore in front of everyone. If they are there, I don't care. Right there in front of everyone. Yep... That is the need. I am an addict. How many times do I have to keep telling you that?

As I walk downstairs, no one is around. Mark is no where to be found. Thank god. It's hard to have a fuck-fest when he is around. Who am I kidding? He makes no difference to me. Not when I have that big cock in my face. Not when it stands up and begs for me. Not when it starts to drip with it's droplets of pre-cum. Yep, I am dripping. And now I will make him drip.

As I rip open the door, I see him pulling his shirt over. Holy shit. That perfect chest. And those pajama pants. They are just scraps. They are just tiny barriers in my way. I look at him in shock. I'm assuming that he wasn't expecting me to come in and attack him. Maybe he thought the church incident was going to stop something.

"You're wasting your time." I tell him frankly as I stand there. He has no idea that I have a beat stick in my pocket. And now I am going to beat his stick. "Take them off." I say throatily as I look into his deep blue eyes.

"Aren't we bossy?" Derek asks with a smirk as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"You see, Derek... You were a bad boy. A very bad boy..." I tell him as I stand there with my hands on my hips.

"Was I? And what exactly did I do wrong?" He asks with a smug smile. He likes this. I can see it in his eyes. He wants me to dominate over him.

"Making me get all hot in the church. Making my pussy drip for you. That was very bad. So very bad. And I think you need some discipline." I tell him with a nod as I watch him strip his pants off and stand there. His hard cock was begging for me. He wanted me. And he would get me. But not until after I make him beg.

"I need discipline?" He questions as he begins to walk towards me.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." I tell him as I put my hand up. "Get on the bed. Face down. Now." I growl as I point to the bed. Derek gives me a smirk, but soon decides that he is game. He slowly walked over to the bed and lays down. He has to be crushing his cock. I don't care.

"Bad boys get in trouble." I tell him as I amble over to the bed. "Big trouble. Bury your head into the pillow."

"What?" He asks in shock as he turns around.

"I will give you what you want, if you do as I say." I tell him as I walk over, pulling my top over my head, ignoring the buttons. I then pull my jeans off, grabbing the crop from my pocket. Just my black lacy bra and panties. I crawl up on the bed with Derek, ready to give him what he deserves. "Derek, you were bad." I warn him as I run the crop down his spine.

"What the fuck?" He yells as he jumps up and looks at me.

"If you want pussy, you will lay back down." I warn him quickly. "I can leave right now. I know you want it. Bad boys need their discipline when they act naughty." I say as I shove him down hard. Derek nods his head and lays face first on the down pillow. Hopefully it will silence his screams.

I run the crop down his spine. It slides so smoothly, the black leather over his soft skin. I run it over his ass and around each cheek. I can feel the pleasure burning in my own core as I think about what I am going to do with him. I run the crop down one leg and up the other. As I reach his ass, I raise it up high and come down on him with a hard crack.

"You crazy bitch!" He screams loudly as he jumps out of the bed. "My ass! My ass!" He cries out as he rubs his hand over it. I hear them coming. This is not good.

"Derek, are you okay?" My aunt Claire asks him as she stands at the door.

"Um... Yeah. Fine. I just stubbed my toe. Thanks though... For asking... Goodnight." He stammers as he stands there, rubbing the welt that I have created.

"Okay... Goodnight." Aunt Claire says as she walks away.

"That fucking hurt. Have you lost your mind?" He growls as he stands there. He looks a little angry. I have no idea why. Yes I do, I lit him up harder than a horse. I would never hit a horse that hard.

"I like a little pain with my pleasure..." I say with a smile. "I thought you were game... But I guess not." I say with a disappointed shrug as I walk over and pick up my clothes.

"You're leaving?" He asks in shock as he watched me.

"Well, yeah." I tell him as I go to pull my shirt on. His wheels are spinning. He's thinking about what he is losing.

"Well, do I get to hit you back?" He questions with a smile. Apparently he wants to get a little freaky too.

"Of course. But I go first." I tell him with a nod. A smile comes across his face. Maybe this isn't a good idea. I think he actually wants to hurt me.

"Did you say I was a bad boy?" Derek asks me as he walks over and grabs my ass, pulling me against him.

"Maybe." I agree with a faint smirk, matching his. I love the way his hand feels as he grips me tightly. He quickly covers my mouth with his. Before I can even pull away, his tongue is in my mouth. I don't like that. Not one bit. I quickly shove him away. "No kissing. Now you are really fucked." I say angrily as I walk towards him, pointing to the bed.

"I was kind of hoping so." He says as he walks over and lays down. Now back to what I was doing.

"Are you a bad boy, Derek?" I ask him in a throaty voice as I run the crop over his back. "Tell me... Are you a bad boy?"

"I am." Derek agrees in a muffled tone into the pillow. I gently tap the crop on his ass. Just enough to let him know that I am there and ready to strike.

"And why are you bad boy?" I ask him quickly. "Tell me exactly why you are a bad boy.

"Because You want to fuck me." He muttered softly as he looked back at me.

"Wrong answer!" I spit as I rise the crop and hit him firmly on the back. "That is the wrong answer. You were bad because you made me wet. Do you think it is appropriate for me to get wet in church? That was bad, Derek, very bad!" I say angrily as I smack him on the ass over and over again. I run the crop over his muscled back and to his shoulders. "You make me wet. That is bad. You make me want to cum. In church. You are bad, Derek." I tell him as I smack his back.

"You're right..." He says meekly, obviously feeling the stings of my riding crop on his soft flesh.

"So you know... You have figured it out. Maybe now I will have to be nice..." I suggest as I pull off my bra. I toss the lacy material to his face. I quickly lean up, pulling my panties off and tossing those too. Derek takes a sniff and them rubs them softly with his thumb.

"Awfully wet." He points out, seeing and feeling my panties in his hand.

"Don't talk. Not unless you want punishment." I warn him as I straddle his ass. His ass is hard. Nice and firm as I sit my pussy lips on him. I'm wet. I am dripping wet, on his ass. I can feel my little clit throbbing and swelling for him. I lay my body over his, making sure that he feels my rock hard nipples against his back. I rub myself on him. I hear him let out a moan. He likes it. "So you like that?"

"Oh god, yes... I'm going to lift us off the bed." He admits, knowing his cock is hard and ready. I let out a moan, feeling his flesh against mine, my soft bush teasing his ass. I gently rock my hips, grinding my pussy into his ass. I can do this. I can do it well. I am so hot, I'm ready as it is.

"Oh god..." I moan as I grind against him. I know it is killing him. I'm grinding him, and he is having to grin and bear it. I gently stroke my own clit a few times and let out panting moans. "Oh yes... Oh god... Oh yes... Oh yes!" I shout as my orgasm takes over. My body is crashing as my ample cum runs out and onto him. I know he can't be amused. Now he is just jealous. "Oh yeah..." I mutter as I cover my hands with my own cum and reach up to his face. He quickly takes finger after finger in, sucking my juices off.

"You taste good." He admits as he rolls onto his back, pushing me out of position.

"Oh no... I was not done." I warn him as I sit on his chest and grab my crop.

"But I want to fuck you now." He tells me as he looks into my eyes. I let a smirk cross my face. He wants to fuck me. I have the upper hand.

"Now you have made me cum. Do you think that makes you a good boy?" I ask as I lean down and trail my tongue over his chest.

"You made yourself cum." He warns me as he looks up. I quickly take a bite of his little nipple, my teeth squeezing it tightly. I can feel him wince and pull away. "I made you cum! I did!" He tells me quickly.

"That is the correct answer." I tell him with a nod as I look down at him. He smiles, grateful that I am not bestowing punishment on him once again. "Will you do it again?" I ask him. A loaded question. I scoot back onto his thighs and look down at his cock. He looks at his cock and looks at me. I take his balls in my firm grasp and smile and evil smile.

"Only if you want me to." He says smugly. That is to my satisfaction. I quickly trace his large vein and rub my thumb around the head of his penis. I lean over and grab a condom off of the table. He watches intently as I roll it on.

"Do you deserve this?" I ask as I look into his eyes.

"I deserve whatever punishment you want to give." He says with a nod, his cock begging, my pussy dripping.

"Then fuck me, Derek! Fuck me hard!" I say frankly as I look at him. He quickly grasps my body and helps me slide onto his cock. This will be good. So good.

I feel his thick cock fill my void. I spread my thighs farther, making room for him. He grasps my hips tightly as I rock forward and backward on him. I close my eyes and throw my head back as he leans forward and takes my nipple into his mouth. Now he is biting. He is biting hard and sending it straight to my core. I let out a whimper as I feel his huge member pressing against my cervix.

"How do you like that?" He asks as he thrusts upward into me, causing me pain.

"Oh god..." I spit, feeling the pain, quickly erased by the feeling of his finger on my clitoris. "Oh god... Right there!" I shout as I grind my pussy against his thumb.

"Not so fast." He says as he pulls his fingers out and smile. I feel his fingers run up and down my body as he continues to trust into me while I rock round and round on his big dong.

"Oh come on! Come on..." I beg as I fuck him frantically, ready to feel him release. "Oh god, oh god!" I cry out as I bounce over and over again. Derek takes ahold of my bouncing breasts and squeezes them tightly. I clench my jaw and squeeze my inner muscles, stimulating him. I hear him let out a loud groan at the added tightness.

"You are a bad little girl. And after this... I am... Fuck!" He spits as he feels himself ready to cum. "You are getting it!" He warned as I started pumping harder and harder, letting out quiet moans.

"Oh god... Oh god! Thank you! Right... Keep that up!" I beg as I continue my same motion. I feel myself on the edge. One more rock and I am there. "Oh god... There... Oh my... Oh my... Oh...GOD!" I cry out as my wall contract violently and my vagina and uterus follow suit. My cum releases and floods his cock, slipping down.

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck yes!" He spits as he shoots his seeds into the condom. I sit aboard his iron stick and look down at him. His eyes are glazed over. So are mine. We look through slits. It was good. And now, I have to be punished.

I lay on my back and look at him. I think I am in some deep shit. I think he wants to one up me. He wants to get me worse than I got him. And I have to admit, I got off beating him. It felt great being in control. I love the power. I hold the power. And my core heats up and drips in anticipation.

"I'm the boss. You will keep your fucking mouth shut. You keep your mouth shut until I tell you to." He growls as rolls over my. I totally have this coming. And I have a feeling I may regret it. "I put my lips where I want to. My mouth goes where I want it to. And you don't fight it. If I tell you to do something, you do it."

"Sounds like a lot of rules to me." I grumble as I look up. I never had that many rules. I was just in it for the beatings.

"Hey... You signed on. This was the agreement. Now lay there and stay quiet." He tells me as he leans over and kisses my collarbone. I hate this. I hate kisses. If it were five minutes earlier, I would have beat him into a bloody mess.

"I hate you." I growl as I look up at him. That was all it took. I feel his teeth on my nipple. He is squeezing way too tightly. "Ouch, you fucker!" I yell as I hit him as hard as I can.

"I told you to keep your fucking mouth shut!" He spat as he raises the crop up. He raises it over his head and comes down and stops just before he hits my flesh.

"Apparently you don't have the balls." I laugh as I look at this pathetic man before me. Well, that pissed him off. Now he has the crop above his head and he comes down hard on my leg. I feel the sting. It hurts, but it feels so good.

"I think you know I have the balls. And unless you want my cock in your mouth, keep it shut." He warns once again. I think I may be getting to him. Derek trails his tongue over my body. His tongue plays with my injured nipple and he sucks into a peak. He trails down my stomach and stops at my pussy, giving me an evil smile. He needs to tease me. I want that tongue on me. He places his finger inside and swirls around.

"Awful wet." He tells me as he shakes his head. "Did I ask you to get this wet?" He looks at me, waiting for an answer. I give him none. "So you need discipline. You don't speak when I tell you to, but you will speak out of turn. Bad." He tells me as he grabs the crop and runs to down my body. He trails my nipples, flicking them hard. He raises the crop up and smacks my abdomen hard. I wince, but smile. He can't get me. I feel the leather slid between my wet folds. He rubs the end across my clit. I can't take it. My hips buck at the sensation.

"Bad." He says as he pulls away and smacks my pussy with the crop. I think I am ready to cry. That hurt and it hurt bad. But it only makes me gush harder. "You are a getting it... You understand how you need to act." He tells me with a smile. "Spread your legs."

I gently spread my legs for him. I am dripping wet. I need him so bad. I just want his big dong deep inside of me. He runs kisses up my legs, taking and occasional bite. I don't say a word as his face disappears into my pussy. His tongue licks on lip and then the other. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of a moan or a smile. He sticks his tongue deep inside and thrusts it around, sucking my fluid out. I feel him abandon my core and move to my clit. The money shot. He flicks it hard and fast. It hurts as he nips it sharply. I feel myself coming hard and fast. I swallow hard and clench my jaw as I feel the waves crash over me. My ass tightens, trying to absorb what my body wants to do. It wants to go wild with pleasure.

"Was it not good?" Derek asks in shock as he comes up, his face smeared with my cum. I say nothing as I lay there. "You know what I think?" He asks, receiving nothing from me. "You need a good hard fuck." He tells me as he rolls over. "Now get on my cock. That is where you belong." I drop my head, feigning submission. I never truly submit. I look at that rock hard member. I want it so badly. I want to spread my walls to oblivion.

"And this silence ends." He tells me with a nod as rolls on a condom, then pumps his cock and tells me to climb in. "Fuck me now." I slowly throw my leg over him and sink down slowly on his cock. It is pleasure. Nothing feels better than his member in me. "You are a tight little fuck, aren't you, you bad girl?" He asks throatily as he looks into my eyes. I don't say a word as I pull myself up and sink back down hard. "I told you to talk. If you aren't going to talk, you're going to get it!" He warns as he lifts up the crop. I want it. It just intensifies everything. I want that soft leather smacking my soft flesh. I say nothing as he raises the crop and cracks me hard on the ass.

"Oh fuck yes!" She spit. "Harder, hit me harder." I tell him as I frantically ride his iron rod. "Harder, oh god, harder." I cry out loudly. It feels so good. So intense. Derek smacks my ass with one hand, and flicks my clit with the other. My hands rest on his chest, helping me to bounce. "Oh god...Oh god...I my... Fuck... Oh..." I whine as I feel myself on the brink. Derek drops the crop and grabs a breast with each hand, squeezing tightly.

"Oh fuck yes!" Derek shouts as he thrusts into me. I am so battered from pleasure and pain as I feel my climax coming. I rock as fast as I can. losing control. Sweat pours from me as I feel it coming.

"Oh god...Oh...Oh...OH!" I scream loudly as I feel it crash over me. Hard. My body contracts over and over again. My uterus is pulsating. My vagina squeezes the life out of his cock. I feel him pulsating. I feel him touch my clit frantically as wave after wave crashes over me, chills coming over my whole body as I release over and over.

"Fuck yes." Derek spits as he thrusts into me, milking my orgasms, homing for more contractions. I feel his cock begin to spurt wildly as he rolled his eyes back in his head. "You are so fucking good." He tells me as he looks up. I nod as pull myself off of his shrinking cock, holding the condom on it's base.

I lay on my back. Both of us are bruised at battered. My body is covered in a mess. My hair is matted. And Derek, he lays there with a self satisfied grin on his face. I can't stay there. This is fucking, and that is it. And at the moment, I'm done. I quickly pull myself out of the bed and throw my clothes on.

"You could stay... After some rest, we could go another round?" He suggests as he pulls the condom off and throws it in the paper bag that is accepting our collection.

"If I want another round. I will come get you." I tell him frankly. I can do that. I can just walk away.


	11. Eating Out

I have to say, whatever we did last night, it sucked the life right out of me. It seemed like it went on forever and ever. In reality, it only lasted a few hours. We actually went to bed fairly early. But apparently the effort we put in was pretty good, because now I am laying here, and I feel like my body is going to break. I can feel the bruising on my ass. That was some good hitting if I do say so myself.

I should be crawling out of bed. I should be going to feed horses. But I can't. I roll to my side. Apparently there is a sensitive spot there too. He grasped my hips so tightly I have hand prints. I'm sure that he isn't laying so comfortably either. I'm sure that he feels the same way that I do. But when I roll over and feel a pain, it reminds me of the pleasure.

Today is Christmas and it's a big day. We always go to my great aunt's house. It's always the same. See, they are a freakshow too. Two of her kids, my second cousins, are total dorks. And her youngest, which is ten years my senior, I don't know what the hell she is. A social freak, i guess you could say. She is super-smart in the book department, but common sense, she may as well forget it. And she always looks like she is in a perpetual moment of surprise. Her eyes freak me out. Her dad looks like Yoda from Star Wars and he mom is very sweet, but naive. But they are all freakish in some way or another.

So that is what I have to look forward to. I get to take Derek to that. But then again, why do I care. I don't care if he sees my family. He just wants pussy. He couldn't care any less about them if he tried. As long as he gets to stick it in, nothing matters. And I feel the same way. It is just the fuck. Maybe that is the problem. This whole Christmas thing is fucking up my sex plans.

"What the hell did you do to me?" I hear the minute I walk out of my room. A smile covers my face.

"Um... Nothing. What's the matter?" I ask as I look up. I can see on his face that I hurt him. I hurt his ass. I hurt his back. And I hurt his cock. So much hurt. But so much more pleasure.

"I am in pain. My whole body fucking hurts. You were too rough." Derek whines as he looks at me. "I need you to look at my ass." He tells me as he bends over and pulls his pants down.

"Whoa there! No... Huh uh... I don't- That goes beyond my call of duty." I tell him as I turn away. I should have given him a good hard smack before my departure.

"What! No.. I need you to look. I'm hurt." He says as he chases me to the bathroom.

"Yeah... I'm hurt too. And so is my bladder. I have to pee." I mutter as I walk in and shut the door. I take my seat on the toilet and moan. It feels so good when you finally get it out. I look up in horror as I see the door open. "What the fuck!" I spit as I look at him.

"Seriously..." He says with a frown. "Look at my ass."

"Seriously... No." I tell him as I wipe and rip my pants up. I am in shock that he came in and saw me in that position. "I was peeing, Derek. You can't watch me pee."

"It's nothing I haven't seen before." He tells me with a laugh as I wash my hands. I looked over my shoulder and scowl at him.

"No. It is something you haven't seen. Not like this. Not in the light. Not with urine coming out. You are a freak!" I spit angrily as I push him out of the way.

"The mouth sees all." He laughs as he follows me. "And my mouth has seen. And it likes." He jokes as we walk. Mark looks up and shakes his head.

"Mark, Derek needs your help. He may have an issue. So... Um... Help him." I say as walk into my room and I slam my door, getting dressed. I stay close. I have to hear what they are going to say. Nothing is funnier than two boys together without a woman around. They are so stupid.

"I am not looking at your ass!" I hear Mark say to Derek loudly. I can just imagine Derek bent over. Maybe he should just take it up the ass and leave me alone.

"Please man... I think she killed me." Derek whines. "I would look at your ass. If you asked me, I would look." Derek says frankly.

"Fine. Rip them down..." Mark tells him with frustration. "Holy shit! What the fuck did she do to you? You have fucking bruises all over your ass. Oh shit... It's really bad."

"I know... Your cousin... She's fucking nuts." Derek tells him frankly. I laugh. Like he didn't enjoy it just as I did. He wanted it just as badly. I quickly pull on my jeans and walk out, shaking my head.

"Derek, you are such a little pussy. You may as well lay over the end of that sofa and let Mark take you." I tell him with a snort as I imagine the picture.

"Fuck you, Mer." Derek growls as he looks at me. "You didn't have to be so fucking rough. I don't even know if I will be able to sit."

"Well, I like a little pain with my pleasure." I tell him with a sigh. "And you... Obviously you can't handle it." I tell him frankly as I start to jog up the stairs.

"I can!" Derek yells up. I think he realized that he needs this. And I do too. Who doesn't need a good, easy fuck? No commitment. No one calling and keeping tabs. In my mind, that is perfect.

--

We won't all fit in one car. And I have to say, this is the biggest bunch of idiots in the world. I mean, the obvious answer is to take two cars. That took them awhile. Just short of double sitting, they couldn't figure the answer out. I shake my head and watch them. It is really fun to watch people run in circles trying to figure out common sense.

"You know, we could take two cars." I suggest. I don't know why I actually helped them out. Maybe it was a lapse in judgement.

"Good idea." Grandma says with a smile. "You are so smart." She tells me with a smile.

"I know." I say frankly as I look up. "I'll take my Jeep. Mark and Derek can ride with me." To tell them further. I may have to spell it out. We'll see how long it takes for it all to sink in. I shake my head and grab my keys. I won't even wait. They will figure it out when the three of us drive away.

"You don't look happy." Mark says as he looks at the back of my head from the back seat.

"My family is full of fucking idiots." I tell him frankly as I clench my jaw. Sometimes I don't even want to admit that I know them at all.

"You don't have to be so mean, Mer. You have absolutely no patience." He says as he shakes his head. He does have patience. And as much as I hate to admit it, I really don't have patience. With anything.

"Hey. I can't be nice. They are- This is bullshit." I grumble as we drive along. "They are screwing it all up. I just need- Eh... Never mind." I say as I shake my head.

"You just want a fuck." Derek points out with a laugh. "You are the horniest chick I have ever see in my life. I mean- This is ridiculous." He laughs. Now that is a bad idea. And as if I am out of line. He will be leaving soon, and I want as much as I can get. "Mer... you will get it. It's just... Postponed."

"Fuck postponed." I say with a frown. I don't say another word. I'm not really thinking too clearly here. I shouldn't be letting him think I need him at all. Just a moment of weakness, I guess.

When we walk into the house, I roll my eyes. The freaks want hugs. I hate hugs. I actually see Derek smirk at the sight. He is laughing at my pain. Derek Shepherd is an asshole. Grade A. I don't say a word. They want me to talk. They really want me to talk. But I don't. I ignore them and refuse to join in on their stupid conversation that lacks intellect. It had gone the same way every year. Same dinner. I sit in the same place. But this year, I am thinking different thoughts. I am looking across at Derek, and I want to fuck him. I want to fuck him bad. I can taste that hard muscle in my mouth. I have never blown him without a condom, but I can just imagine his juices running down my mouth. Everything I taste, I make sure to tongue it first. I want Derek ready to explode. He realizes what I am up to, and he frantically tongues his food, mimicking my pussy.

After dinner... I want to avoid anything to do with clean up. I have gotten quite good at it. See, in the basement is a pinball machine. I don't even like pinball. Not at all. But it offers an escape. I quickly walk by the great room and nod at Derek, motioning for him to come along. See, my motives are far from innocent. So far.

"What are we doing?" Derek asks as he follows me to the door. I open the door and start going down the stairs.

"Shut the door." I tell him frankly as I pick up my pace. I need it now. I have been dripping wet for too long. When I had placed my hand on myself earlier, I could feel it. I was hot. I was wet. I slide off my heels as I hit the bottom stair. As I walk towards the pinball machine, I start unbuttoning my black pants. I need him now.

"What are we doing?" He asks in shock as he looks at me. I toss him the condom and smile evilly.

"What does it look like we are doing?" I ask with a giggle as I stand there in my button down maroon striped top. I make sure to undo a few buttons, letting the girls get some air. "We are fucking. Quick. Someone might come." I tell him as I make the move it along motion with my hands.

"Fuck..." Derek spits hastily as he watches me place my fingers beneath my panties and pull out two creamy-white fingers. I watch as he drops his pants and boxers and rolls the condom on his thick hard member. "You are... Fuck." He says as he shakes his head.

"Just fuck me... Fuck me fast!" I tell him as I rip off my panties as look into his eyes. I feel him grab me under the thighs, lifting me up and against the pinball machine. I moan as he drops me down on his hard cock. I am tight. Too tight. He struggles to get himself into my tight folds as I attempt to spread my legs further and rest my feet around his waist.

"You tight little fuck..." He mutters as he pounds himself into me. I gasp as he rips me apart. "Oh god yes..." He says throatily as he attacks my neck with his mouth. I attempt to help him grind into me as I rotate my hips. I feel my pussy choking out his big dong.

"Oh god... Derek!" I gasp as he pulls out slightly and goes right back in. "Oh god... Oh god..." I whimper as I rock myself on him. I can hear the faint dinging of the pinball matching as my ass smacks into it. My sore aching ass. Somehow that is out of my mind. "Harder, Derek... Just- Let's- Fuck... There. Oh yeah... Right there. Keep going, don't slow down!" I spit as he hits me harder and harder. I can feel my own wetness sloshing around as it begins to drip down my leg. My walls are starting to tighten. I can feel it, and I can feel Derek struggling. He is near his own peak. His member is hard and swollen, fighting for it's release.

"Oh fuck..." He growls as he hits me. Ding. Ding. Ding. I gasp as I feel myself near. I let out a faint cry as he bites my chest, increasing his movement. He needs to do it. His eyes go black as he nears. "Oh god...Oh God... Oh...Oh...Oh!" I shout as I feel myself shoot up to the sky and begin my free fall. I don't even hear Derek's throaty climax as he shoots deep inside of me. I close my eyes and moan. My eyes get wide as I look up and see his bright blue eyes. I feel his mouth on mine. I pull back, but he pushes further and deeper, sucking me hard. I let out a loud growl, and he releases my mouth and body, letting my feet fall to the floor.

"What was that, you ass?" I growl as I look at him. "I said no kissing. No fucking kissing." I warn him as I pull my panties up, followed by my pants. I am dipping wet, but ignore it.

"You looked like you needed a kiss." He says with a smirk as he pulls the condom off and looks around. I look at him and shake my head. I am so mad at him.

"Put it in your pocket." I tell him, referring to the condom. I can't imagine my aunt finding the condom in her trash. I bet she would have a panic attack. He quickly holds his hand up and tries to give me the condom.

"What?" I ask in shock, shaking my head no. "I am not taking that thing. It has your shit in it." I say in disgust. Me, that is one thing. But Derek's cum in my pocket, there I draw the line.

"Just hold it. Until I get my pants up." He tells me with haste. I scrunch my nose and grab it, holding the tiniest piece ever. "I don't get why I have to hold it anyway." He complains as he does his zipper and grabs it out of my hand, shoving it deep into his pocket.

"Because you are the man." I tell him frankly as I roll my eyes. "This is why." I say as I walk over and grab my shoes, sliding them on. I laugh. The condom is in his pocket. I have no idea what size load he blows, but if it is any significant amount, he may have a wet spot. Poor Derek, always pissing his pants.

"For the record... Kissing doesn't always mean love." Derek tells me as I walked up the stairs. I quickly stop and turn around. I can't believe he just said that.

"What?" I ask in shock as I look at him. "What did you just say?"

"Kissing doesn't mean love." He tells me with a shrug like it is no big deal. "I kiss girls I fuck all the time. It's just part of the process."

"No. Not my process." I tell him frankly. Now he is insinuating that I have some kind of love issue. At least that is the way it feels. I don't like this. I don't like the love word being brought up. I don't like one bit of this at all. "I don't like kissing. Period. So... Don't do it!" I growl.

"I'm just saying... It doesn't mean anything on my end. We're in it for the sex, right?" He asks as he looks at me. I am in it for the sex. The idea of a relationship makes me sick. And a relationship with him makes me even sicker.

"Yes." I say as I walk away from him. "It is just sex." I mutter, not looking back.

We walk into the living room and everyone is starting to open presents. The bastards didn't even wait for me. They started all of their Christmas fun without me. If I had known that they were doing that, I definitely would have gone for round two. I would have extended my pleasure and made him give me head. Too late for that now.

"Thanks for waiting." I say as I take a seat in the corner. Everyone looks up at me. They did really forget that I was missing. It makes me fell so loved.

"Oh my! I am so sorry..." My aunt says as she looked up at me. I shrug and don't say a word. As if I truly care that they forgot. That doesn't matter to me in the least.

"It's fine. I see I am loved..." I say as I roll my eyes, accepting my gift.

I don't make out to well here. But it's a gift. You should always appreciate a gift. I look over at Mark and Derek. Mark whispers something in Derek's ear and Derek's eyes get wide. Mine get even wider as I see what they are talking about. Derek quickly shoves the used condom deeper into his pocket and looks up at me in shock. I shake my head. We are so stupid.

"Mer... Are you okay?" My aunt asked as she looked at me with concern. "You are awful red in the face... And sweaty."

"Mer... She really gets into pinball. I was shocked." Derek says quickly, covering our asses. I smile and nod. We are so slick. "Very competitive!"

The rest of the day goes that very way. Me wanting more cock, once again. And Derek, I like to think he is the same way. I can't help but think of that cock. I mean, one vision of it, and I am literally dripping wet. And now he is tonguing everything. I want him to eat my pussy so bad. I am soaked in anticipation. It is far beyond the realm of normal. But I like it. Okay, the truth is, I really don't. I seem to be a freak. But Derek, I do think he likes it. Possibly too much.

"Here." I tell Mark as I toss him the keys. I look at Derek. He is eating me, period. "Back seat."

"You're letting me drive?" Mark asks in shock as he opens the door and smiles.

"Of course." I say with a nod as he climbs into my seat, throwing it back so he can fit. I pull Derek into the backseat. He looks at me with anticipation. He thinks he is getting something. Stupid-ass boy. "Go." I tell Mark.

"So... Uh... What are you going to do for me?" Derek asks as he rubs his hand over his crotch. I see him rising. Big mistake. Huge.

"No... It's what you are going to do for me." I tell him with a nod as I unzip my jeans. Derek looks in shock. "Eat me, Derek." I groan as I place my fingers underneath my panties and pull them out, soaking wet. "Lick my clit."

"What the fuck?" Mark yells in shock. I ignore him. He is not killing my buzz.

"I can't get in there." Derek tells me as he looks through my zipper. I nod my head yes and grab him behind the head, pulling him hard. I have determination. He has a long tongue. Derek quickly lets his mouth fall to my pussy as I spread my legs. I pull my panties out of the way as he finagles his tongue deep inside. The feeling of his tongue grazing my swollen clit is enough to make me gasp.

"Oh fuck yes!" I cry out as I thrust my hips at him. Derek burrows his head deep into my zipper,digging it into his face. He's right, it's not working. I want his tongue in my vagina. I want him to get broad licks of my clit. "Shit." I groan as I grab his face and pull him up. I see a red zipped mark across him. "This is not working." I tell him as I lift my ass up and pull my pants and panties down. Now I am open. I am exposed.

"You taste so fucking good." Derek tells me as he delves deep inside of my vagina, his tongue wiggling round wildly. I throw my hips at his face. I am fucking his tongue and it feels great.

"Oh god... Oh god... Derek... Oh..." I moan as he moves his attention to my clit.

"I hate you fuckers!" Mark yells loudly as he drives along. I can't imagine what it feels like to be him. But I really don't care.

"Faster, Derek. Faster!" I scream as I feel myself tightening around him. Derek licks my clit a few more times, feeling it swollen and ready. "Oh...oh...oh..oh...OH!" I shout as my eyes roll back in my head and the contractions take over. "Oh my-" I cry out, feeling his tongue deep inside of me. I lay back. coming down from the amazing high. Derek sits up and smiles happily.

"You know... It's really not safe to eat in the car." He laughs as he looks down at me. I weakly pull my pants up. My whole body is quivering. That was way too good.


	12. A Hug

You know, I am beginning to think that this amazing sex that I keep having is a sin. No one can have that much pleasure without any recourse. Derek and I are having amazing sex. I mean sex, is for reproducing. I don't use it as that. I will never use it as that. But it is what it is, reproduction. Making babies. Creating offspring. So, I shouldn't be enjoying freely. But, they didn't have to make it feel so damn good. If it didn't feel good, we wouldn't even care to do it. So, I am thinking that I really do need to join Grandma in church so that I do have a chance. The way I am going, if there is a hell, I will burn. And I will mostly likely burn slow.

I have been distracted. This is my problem. I tend to find one this to obsess about. I get a little addicted. I get addicted easily. Whether it is a double shot espresso from Starbucks. At once time, I was up to five a day. I was addicted. Now I just get one occasionally. See, that addiction has been replaced by a new one. Sex. Dirty. Hot. Porny sex. And I love it. All of it. So distraction, that is a problem.

I wake up. I'm actually getting used to the pain that comes daily. It is sex pain. It comes from hours and hours of painfully pleasurable sex. And it is. But the next day, my legs hurt. I find it nearly impossible to push them back together. The only time they spring apart faster is when Derek's hard cock is in front of me. I mean seriously, I can ride a seventeen hand warmblood for hours, but twenty minutes on Derek's cock and I am dying.

I slowly stumble to the bathroom. The boys are asleep. At the moment, that is good. It's really good. I actually need a short moment without seeing that body. It will be ending soon and I need to wean myself off. If I quit cold turkey, there is no saying what will happen. I painfully walk up the stairs. I am seriously thinking we need a lift. That way, I can make it up there post-coital.

My grandpa is awake. I don't say anything as I stumble into the living room. We only use the living room on Sunday. That is where the Sunday paper is read. That is the only time. It's too formal. Even sitting on the sofa just doesn't feel natural. I grab the comics, the only part of our local paper that is worth reading, and I sit down.

"I see your friend is in the paper." My grandpa says as he looks up. I look at him in confusion. My friend works for the paper, and I am wondering what in the hell she did now.

"What?" I ask as I look up at him. I am waiting for some crazy story. You never know. People are nuts.

"Your friend. She's in the obituary." He says as he leans over to hand it to me. I'm in shock. I have never felt the feeling that has sunk in my stomach. For the last two months, I knew she was dying. Even if it was guaranteed, I thought there was a chance that she would wake up and be fine. I was waiting for her to call me. I was waiting for it to be a cruel joke. I was waiting for something that would never come.

"She's dead?" I ask in shock, trying to hold it all in. I had to hold it together. I will not cry. I cannot cry.

"If she's not... Someone is playing a dirty trick on her, cause their going to bury her." He tells me with a frown. He is trying to make light. But how do you make light of your friend dying? How do you make light of someone leaving behind three young kids and a family? You don't. Those kids don't have a mom anymore.

I hide my face with the paper as the tears run down. I can barely read it. I can't see anything through the tears. I can see, that she has been dead for three days. She died two days before Christmas. As I had a good time with my family, her family was dying. I opened presents, and he kids wished they would trade them all in for their mom. I spent days having sex with Derek, and she was dead and cold.

Her husband promised me that he would call me. He promised that he would let me know. The rat bastard always hated me. I know that calling someone is the last thing you think about, but I wished he would have. Maybe I would have pulled some of pain away and taken it myself. It's hard to think that she was dead, and I didn't know. I read the paper, telling about her life and how she would be missed. It doesn't even touch how we feel. Not even close.

I quietly sneak away. I think my grandpa knows that I am torn up. See, we are emotionless. If is saw him cry, I would think it was the end of the world. I have a feeling he would feel the same way if he saw me. We aren't criers. The woman are, but I guess I'm not a woman, because I think it is weak. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

As I walk down the stairs, I know it is going to be a bad day. I know it will be horrible. I will have to try not to cry all day. I will have to put the mask on and pretend I don't feel. I have a feeling that every time I put that mask on, it takes away a few more of my real emotions and feelings. Eventually, they will go away. And I don't know if I will even notice.

I need relief. I need to feel something other than the pain that is taking me over. Numbness is better than pain. I need Derek. Not the emotional part of Derek. I don't need love. I don't need to be cared for. I need sex. I need it to hurt. I need it to hurt so bad. More than the emotional pain that has taken me down. I open his door and see that he is awake but laying in the bed. I quickly shut the door and lock it.

"I need sex." I tell him as I walk towards him. "I need it now."

I pull my shirt over my head as I near the bed. I need this. I need the numbness that comes along with it all. Sex it amazing. It is the most pleasurable feeing in the world. That feeling before you let it all go. The moment when you succumb to the reactions of your body. When it all falls and your body goes into wild contractions. It is amazing. It feels natural and unnatural all at the same time. When you mix that with pain, you get numbness. And sometimes numbness is just what you need.

I rip off the rest of my clothes as I near the bed. I can see the confused look on Derek's face, but I know all of that confusion will go away when he sticks his oversized manhood deep in my core. Men seem to forget anything when they squeeze themselves into you and fill you with their cum. They don't notice anything but their own selfish pleasure. And this is exactly what I was hoping for.

"I want fucked hard." I tell him as I crawl on the bed. He is already stripping himself down. He is ready. He may have still had his morning wood when I walked in. I was so deep in thought that I never thought about looking.

"Are you crying?" He asks in shock as he looks into my eyes. I am sure they are all red and puffy. I hope that I don't have tear stains. He doesn't need to see me weak.

"I don't cry." I snap as I push him angrily. At this moment, I want to hurt him as much as I hurt. I want to hurt him for no good reason at all.

"You are. What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks me frankly. Maybe he is concerned. I don't really think it's that. I think it is more curiosity than anything. Fucking is fucking. You don't have a fuck buddy to become friends and lovers. You are in it for the hot sex.

"I am not fucking crying! It's allergies!" I yell at him. He looks taken aback at my anger. Why does he have to decide to be a decent person at this moment. I can't have that. I don't want to have that.

"Allergies... Yeah. In the middle of winter." He says with a chuckle as he leans over me.

"Let's just fuck, okay?" I ask quickly. I need the release now. I need it now, and I need to not look into his eyes. "Get a condom." I tell him as I roll over and climb on my hands and knees. I don't want him to see my tears. "Make it hurt."

"Make it hurt?" He asks almost in shock as he rolls the condom on. I can tell by the tone of his voice that he was perplexed.

"Yes. God, you stupid fuck! Just fucking do it. You're worthless." I spit angrily. I don't understand what is taking him so long. I want to turn around and hit him. I want to take my anger, hurt and frustration out on someone. Just as I get ready to spit more evil, I feel it. Derek's thick cock enters my hot pussy with haste. I feel like he is ripping me apart. I feel a stabbing pain rip through my body. Derek needs to give me foreplay to get me ready. Even if I'm wet, It need to relax, and I didn't get that chance. Derek is running his bulldozer right through me.

"Oh god!" I cry out in pain. He is huddled over me. I can feel his muscular chest against my back. He is over me like a wild animal, driving in and out. He is pounding me, with no regard. He is doing exactly as I told him.

"Good?" He asks as he sucks on my back. I think he needs to do something with his mouth. He has to suck on my as he rams his cock over and over.

I feel the tears start to come again. I am thanking god that I am like this. I am thanking god that he is riding me like and animal, unable to see the tears that are coming out of me like a free falling waterfall. He is ramming me over and over, shoving his hard rod like a weapon. He is in it for himself. He should be in it for himself. I am.

"Oh god... Harder..." I scream loudly. I don't care if I wake up the whole fucking house. I need it hard. I need him to puncture something. I need him to cause pain because I can't get her face out of my head. It is burning. It is killing me. I don't want to die. I don't want to have her fate. I don't want to see her two year old in my head talking. I can only imagine how she will grow up, without a mom. Will she ever know her?

"Oh god... Mer... You tight little fuck. You are such a dirty girl." He growls as he feels the sweat on my back. Our bodies are sliding. I can feel my fluid gushing with every penetration and withdraw. I can feel the fluid running down me.

"Oh... Oh... Oh..." I pant as the pain starts to cease and the pleasure of my pre-orgasm takes over. "Spank me, Derek... Hurt me. Hit me." I cry loudly. He smacks me firmly as he can from the angle that he is at. I think he thinks I am being exuberantly. I am crying in desperation. I am crying because I have something missing from my life. I'm not sure what to do with the piece that is now gone, leaving a void.

"Oh god... I'm gonna blow. I'm going... To... Fucking cum!" He shouts as he quickens his pace, sliding in and out freely, his balls swinging and crashing into me. I'm sure they are tightening up in anticipation of the load that he is going to blow.

I should have cum by now. I would have come by now. But the numbness thing isn't working. I can't make it all stop. Everything is buzzing and spinning. The world is madly out of control as pain takes free rein and makes us suffer. I'm not even paying attention to my body as I do finally crash. My walls clamp down and I release myself around him.

I just stay there. Everything is white. The world is white. I feel nothing. I feel no pain. No pleasure. I am just there, suspended in something that isn't horrible but isn't great. I can feel him kissing my back. I can't even tell him to stop. I just can't. I realize I can't breathe from my crying. I gasp for air.

"Did you..." He asks, referring to whether or not I had an orgasm.

"Yeah." I say frankly as I feel him pull out and collapse. I crash on the bed and turn away from him. I can't get up. More than anything, I want to run, but I can't. I can't feel anything. I don't want to.

"Are you okay?" He asks me as he looks over. I can't answer him. I have to silently cry. I have gotten so good at it, it's now second nature. He will never know. He will never know what it was.

I lay here silently. He probably knows something was wrong with me. I'm sure he does. But I can't pull myself off of this bed and run. I just don't have the energy or the drive to do it. I want to, but I can't. This is probably just as uncomfortable for him as it is for me. I just want to get up and run. Just run far and fast.

"Mer..." He says quietly in my ear. Why does he have to care? No... Guys do not care. They don't. I will ignore.

I feel the bed move as he climbs out. I am laying there naked and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I want to be covered and hidden. I don't want to be exposed and free fro him to see. Sex is one thing. Looking at someone is another. I don't want him to see me, on the inside or the out. I hear him dress and walk out. He is gone. I am free.

I cry softly. I learned a long time ago that you need not be loud to cry hard. I can hold it all in. My shoulders may shake and the tears may fall, but I emit no sound. I can do it. I have had to for so long. As I lay there, I want to scream at myself. How could I be so stupid? How can I let this man get this close. I never should have come in here in a moment of weakness.

I finally pull myself out of the bed. I need to get dressed. I can't lay there. Life won't get better as I lay there. Nothing will improve from my tears. I will still be in pain. They will still be in pain. I have to suck it up. I have to attempt to be stronger. I have to put that front up with the face that says I am fine. People think I am grumpy. They say I am angry. I am just in pain.

"Morning." I mutter as I walk into the kitchen, fully dressed and ready to go. I see Derek is there. He is looking down at me with pity. Already they know. News travels fast when you don't want it to.

"Oh, Mer..." My grandmother says as she walked over and attempts to put her arms around me. That makes me sick. I truly makes me want to vomit. I don't want her cold arms around me.

"No. You know I don't like that." I say as I pull away. "She is in a better place or whatever." I say as I attempt to brush it off like it doesn't matter to me. It matters. It matters big time.

"She is. Her suffering is over now. She is with-" My grandma starts with all of her nonsense. It isn't necessarily nonsense, but it is something I don't care to hear.

"Yeah. I know. I know all of that. I'm fine, okay? It's not like I didn't know." I say with a shrug as I drink my juice. I need to get the hell out of here. Like these people even care about me or my life. They are fake. Phony. They don't matter. Not really.

"Mer... Are you sure you're okay? I mean... I had a friend who was in a car accident and... It was rough. I know how you feel." Mark told me, trying to off whatever bit of solace he could muster. I didn't want to hear it. Maybe he is weak, I am not.

"I said I was fine. I guess I am stronger than you. People can be fine." I tell them all as I walk away. The thing is... I am really making myself look foolish not strong. You don't realize that when you are there.

That is how my day goes. I avoid any possible awkwardness. I stay away from places that will cause me pain. I try to hide under this mask. I think even I am wondering what is beneath it. I haven't seen that person in a very long time. I don't want to see that person. That person might have feelings. And I am realizing that feelings are bad. For me, they are very bad.

I talked to one of my friends. We were all mutual friends. There are some things you would rather not know. Some things that make you sick. Some things that piss you off. Well, I found out one of those things. It seems my friend's husband really is a rat bastard. He was seen in the mall. He was seen in the mall shopping. His wife is dead, and he shops happily. When asked why he didn't alert us of our close friend's death... He forgot. Yeah. Fuck you, buddy. Fuck you. He makes me sick. Beyond sick. Something that is far too deep and damaging to even talk about.

The day sucked. It did because I have no idea how to function. No idea whatsoever. And now, I have to go to the showing. I never did understand people staring at the dead. I do not want people to stare at me. The whole idea is kind of sickening. I am dead. In a box. Come look at me? Not my idea of a good time. And as far as closure goes, that is bullshit. Complete bullshit.

I hate it. I hate the smell. It's too good. It's a cover your nose they are trying to cover something with the fresh flowers smell. And flowers, I am beginning to hate them. As I walk in, people are crying. I want to cry. I start to cry. And I see her. She is dead. You always look. To see if they are breathing. Occasionally you will see that imaginary breath. It's not real. She is dead. I have never seen a person look so bad. A skeleton covered in flesh and makeup. He never should have done this to her. He is desecrating her. Yeah, it is quite obvious she is dead as I stare at her skeletal face. This makes me sick.

"No crying." The ass says to me as I walk up. How can he say that? He isn't crying. Maybe months of watching your wife dying will do that to you. I've never been there... I can't judge. But I am. He is an asshole.

"I'm sorry... This is..." I trail off. What do you say? There are no words. No words at all. Even if he is an ass. Then it comes to mind. "What about Dance?" I ask, referring to her horse. The one thing that meant to much to her.

"Oh... He's going. He's going away." He tells me frankly. He hated that horse with a passion. That horse meant too much to her. So much that she wanted to be around him. She didn't want to be home.

"Oh." I say as I hand him the card. I wrote a check. I know they will need it. I find out later he never cashed it. He hated me. And letting that horse go, that proved it. She wanted me to take him. And now what will I have left of her? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

I go to grandma's. I feel so sick. I can't breathe. I want to hide. I want to die. I want so much and nothing at the same time. As I walk in, the air of pity fills my lungs and knocks me out. People hug me. They say they are sorry. So sorry. I cry. And I cry. I cry and cry. Right there. Whimpering.

"She is in a better place." They tell me quickly.

"Not her... I am not crying over her. Dance. I can't lose dance." I cry out. It's the truth. They look at me in disgust. I don't care. I miss her. But who will be his advocate? Who will make sure he gets what he needs?

"I'm sorry about your friend... I know you don't like hugs." Derek tells me as he walks up. I look at him. I want nothing more than for him to hug me. I need it. I want it. But instead... I walk away.


	13. Caught

I can still feel the sting of losing my friend. We weren't best friends. We were good friends. We were close. I talked to her several times a day. We had a common thread. Our lives, it seemed were somewhat parallel. We had the same experiences. We did the same things. We were parallel over and over again. Years apart, that was it. And I just pray I don't have the same fate.

"Mark, you always pick the shittiest movies." I tell him as I look over at Derek. He nods his head in agreement. Mark was horrible at picking movies. Every one we went to was the worst movie I had ever seen.

"This one will be good, I'm sure of it." Mark tells me defensively as he looks into the rearview mirror.

"Uh huh... Sure." I tell him as I shake my head. I park the car. It seems every time we go I get the same damn spot. The funny thing is, our mall is really busy, so this is an amazing feat indeed. "We will see about that..." I laugh, knowing better.

As we walk in the mall, I know people are looking. One girl. Two guys. Mark and I do not look related because we are not. But I seriously can't help but think about what people are thinking. I know that we don't look like we are together in anyway. There is no affections. I guess friends, but really we aren't. Just a non-related cousin and a fuck buddy. Quite the group. I walk up and pay for the tickets. Grandpa gave me the money. This time instead of scamming, I decide to be a decent human being.

"Do you have your id?" The boy asks me as he looks. My id? Seriously? Seriously? I am twenty years old. This is a rated R movie. And this is fucked. Completely ridiculous.

"What do I look, twelve? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like a fucking kid to you? If you think I am walking all the way back out there, you are fucking crazy. You can walk your ass out to my car and get my id." I shout. Okay, I may have over reacted. I tend to do that. Just a little.

"Enjoy the show." He says as he hands me the tickets and nods for me to get the hell out of there. I don't blame them, I am crazy. Woohoo... Out there.

"God, Mer." Derek says in shock. He should know me by now, apparently he doesn't.

"Fuck yes... That was great. Did you see the look on his face? More importantly the piss stain on his stupid ass black pants." Mark chuckles proudly.

Mark eats a lot. Actually, I think at home, they feed him in a trough. I big trough. We call him the bottomless pit. And right now, I am thanking god I don't have to feed him. Because right now, he owes the theater over twenty five dollars for food. Me, I am simple. I always get an icee. I order my favorite cherry icee. Derek follows suit. Mine is red. His is blue. Mix them together and you get purple. Hot and cold make warm.

Mark likes to sit up front. I like to side midway back. And Derek, he seems to like to sit all the way in the back. We all look at each other. I could sit by myself and not care. Well, maybe I would care. A lot. Because I know everyone would be watching my back. Look at that girl. She is alone.

"Middle. Period." I tell them as I shrug and walk to a seat. I am the boss. I am always the boss. And judging by the fact that they are rushing behind like dogs, they seem to know that. "Damn, Mark... Did you really need all of that?" I ask in shock as he begins to work his treasure trove of foodstuffs.

"I did." He tells me with a shrug. I look around the theater. Apparently this is the busy time. It is packed. And when I say packed, I mean packed. I sigh as the place goes dark.

I'm beginning to think I am a bit ADD. Either that, or this movies blows chucks and blows them hard. I look around the theater, trying to find something to entertain myself. Then I make the mistake of looking over. I look over at him. And this is bad.

"Mer..." Derek says softly as he leans in. "I want you."

"What?" I ask in shock as I look at him. As if I don't want him too. But not here. Not right here.

"Blow me... Right here." He says as he looks down at his cock. It's quite obvious that he wants my mouth on it.

"No! I am not kneeling on this disgusting floor. Have you seen it? Gum, and food and pop. It's all sticky. No. You- You eat me. You eat me here. I deserve it more." I pout as I look into his eyes.

"Okay.. I am not doing the through the zipper thing again. No fucking way. My face still hurts when I shave. And you- You won't kneel on the floor, so I doubt you will sit your naked ass on the seat. Come on... Blow me, and I will make it worth your while later. I promise." He said, trying to tempt me. Like I can resist. He doesn't even have to tempt. I kind of enjoy this blowing thing. It makes you feel powerful.

"How? I am not kneeling!" I tell him loudly as I look at his cock.

"Shhhh!" I hear behind me. I know theater talking is annoying. But this movie sucks. And she is rubbing me the wrong way.

"Oh hell no..." I mutter. I receive a warning look from Derek, which I ignore. "Look lady! I will talk if I fucking want to talk. I don't think I need to tell you that this movie fucking blows!" I tell her frankly. She huffs loudly before she and her loser boyfriend stand up and find another spot. And there aren't many.

"Just... Lean." He tells me with a nod as unzips and pulls his rock hard rod through the opening I look at his cock. It is begging me. How do you deny such a beautiful thing? I nod, and he only takes a second to roll a condom on and pull me towards him.

I lean uncomfortably over the arm rest. I open my mouth and tongue his condom covered head gently. I don't have to look at him to know his eyes are rolling back in his head. I gently pull in an inch of his cock. Just an inch, sucking and licking the sensitive tip to no end.

"Oh god, Mer." He grunts as he feels my warm mouth around him. He pushes my head down demanding that I take more of him in. I take as much as I can at the position I am in. His meet is so hard and fresh in my tiny mouth as he throws his hips up a few times. I feel his dong hit the back of my throat, ready to go all the way. He takes ahold of my head and guides my lapping head up and down. I hear his moans and grunts as he enjoys the pleasure I am bestowing upon him.

"What the fuck! Oh my god, Mer! You are blowing him? You sick fucks!" Mark yells loudly as he jumps up. Popcorn, food and icees fly everywhere. My head shoots up in shock. My eyes get wide as I feel a sickness in my stomach. I can feel everyone looking at us. I can't stay. I can't. I quickly jump up and run out. I can't believe those bastards.

To say I am mad... That is an understatement. Those fuckstains don't live here. They will go home and no one will ever know who they were. I live here. There very well may have been people that I know in there. They could have seen me blowing Derek's big cock. God knows they heard Mark and his big mouth when he outed us.

"Hey!" Derek yells as he jogs up to me. I have the keys and I am planning on leaving this place with them or not. "Where are you going?" He asks as he runs beside me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I ask in anger as I look at him. "Are you fucking kidding me? I was in the middle of- And he- And now- They all know!" I shout a little too loudly, thankful that no one is around. Not really. Maybe a few stray people.

"Mer... I'm sorry... I- Mark is going to get his ass kicked for that." He tells me with a frown. "But you... You didn't- I need you to finish." He says suggestively as he looked down at his still hard cock.

"Fuck you." I tell him as I spin around to walk away. Derek grabs me and pulls me over to him. Before I know it, he is dragging me along. "We had an agreement. And whether it was your fault of not, I was just blue balled." He says as he drags me into the mens restroom.

"I am not fucking you. Not right now!" I say angrily as I pull away. I feel him push me against the wall by the mirror. As I look around, the bathroom is very clean. I do look at those things. I won't fuck in a shit hole.

"Agreement. You said any time, any place. And I don't think this will be at all detrimental." He tells me as he unzips his dark jeans and pulls his cock through. "Let's fucking do this." He tells me as he rolls the condom on his big, veiny, meaty member. "You know you need it as badly as I do."

"Fucker." I say as I quickly go to work on my jeans. He's right. It's the damn sex fog. He can get me to do anything to him. I let my jeans fall to the floor along with my tiny string bikini panties. I kick them off of my feet and I look into the deep blue eyes of Derek Shepherd. "Just... Fuck me!" I spit as he helps me up and onto his iron rod. I spread my legs far as I wrap them around him, sitting my feet on his ass.

"You tight little fuck!" He spits as he shoves my back against the wall and slams into me. His huge cock fills my tight pussy, pushing it to the brink. "Oh god, Mer..." Derek groans as he holds me tightly. I watch as he looks down at his own cock taking assault on my tiny pussy. I hold him tightly with my arms as he pumps in and out.

"Oh, god, Derek... Your cock... Your cock is so fucking big! Oh god! Oh god!" I yell as I look into his eyes. He has a huge shit eating grin on his face. He convinced me. He ended up getting it anyway. I wonder how the hell he does it. I close my eyes as I feel the pleasure that is Derek, deep inside of me.

"Uh hmm." I hear someone clear their throat. Derek looks in the reflection of the mirror at a theater worker standing there with his arms crossed. "Are you aware that this is a public restroom?" He asks frankly. He is a tiny bit of a man. Honestly, I should be freaking out, but I am so close to orgasm, I don't really care.

"Uh... I think it is fairly obvious that it is a public restroom. I saw the sign on the door." Derek grunted as he continued to pound me. I'm in shock. He's not stopping.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave." He says quickly. I can see through my hooded, pleasure filled eyes that the boy is nervous. Really nervous. And embarrassed. Probably more so than we are.

"Look, fucker. I am mid-fuck here. Do you mind? Get the fuck out!" Derek shouts angrily. I can see the vein bulging in his neck.

"Oh god, Derek... Oh god..." I pant as I feel him sliding in and out, eliciting all the pleasure he can from me. "Oh...Oh...Oh..."

"I'm going to have to call security." The boy said loudly as he started to turn around.

"Look, you little fuck! I am about ready to fucking cum. If you don't get the fuck out of here, they will have to reconstruct your face! I don't give a... FUCK...Oh god... Get the fuck out!" Derek shouted as he quickened his pace and slammed my back against the glass over and over again.

"Oh god...Oh god! Oh god! Harder...Faster...Harder! Fuck me!" I scream loudly as I feel my body go into violent contractions. I have sweat sliding down my back. My hairline is sweaty. I can feel Derek's cock pulsating in my core as he starts spurting his seeds, filling the condom. "Oh god...yes..." I moan as I lay my head back.

"Fuck yes..." Derek groans as his cock continues to react inside of me. I can see a bit if haste in his eyes as he helps me off of him and my feet fall to the floor. I quickly slide on my panties and jeans. I watch as Derek goes to work on his own. We both quickly work on our belts.

"Excuse me." I hear loudly as I look up at three mall security guards looking at up. I swallow hard. Really hard.

"We were just leaving." Derek tells them with a nod as I slide on my four inch heel boots . He grabs my hand and starts walking.

"You do realize what you just did was illegal." They say frankly as we walk towards them.

"I do, and it was worth it." Derek says arrogantly as he pushes them out of the way. "Fucking rent-a-cops."

"We will be escorting you out." The security guard tells us as the group surrounds us.

"Do whatever the fuck you want." Derek says as he walks beside me, looking over. I am about ready to pee my pants. That sex fog is gone, and reality is setting in really quick. He walks quickly to the escalator. Everyone in the place is looking at us. They know. I know they know.

"I don't ever want to see you two in here again." They tells us as we get to the parking lot.

"Oh, we'll be back." Derek spits as we walk out. Neither of us talk as we walk to the car. I hear Mark's running steps behind us. I unlock the Jeep and climb in. I just got fucked in the bathroom. And I got caught.

"What the hell happened?" Mark asked in shock from the back seat. "You just got escorted out! By security! Everyone is talking..." Derek and I just look at each other. It only takes a second and we are laughing hysterically. Something to remember. Definitely something we will never forget.

And that is why I do not like going to the theater.

"Seriously? You guys were freaking led out by security! What the hell did you do?" Mark asks as I start the car. I can't even look at him. I can't answer. I am shaking. I cannot believe I just did that. I just had sex in a public . Not only did I have sex in public, but I was caught. Not only did I have sex in public, and I was caught, but what's worse is I continued on until I had finished. I was a whore. And now, I am shaking.

"Come on..." Mark whines. I can hear the desperation in his voice. He wants the dirty little details. I wonder if he even has an idea about what happened. I'm sure he doesn't. Maybe he does. I don't really care.

"We got caught!" Derek says proudly. If he was a lion, he would have a big fluffy mane. His chest is puffed out so far, he looks like he has double-ds. It's actually really hot. I mean, the man took charge. He took me in the bathroom, he fucked me, and then he stood there and didn't stop even when the pressure got high. Who else can do that?

"You got caught? As in... Caught? Where?" Mark asks in shock. He is eating this up like candy. It is unbelievable.

"In the bathroom." Derek says with a smirk. "And they wanted us to stop, can you believe it? I fucking kept on... Mer was way too tight to stop."

"Holy shit, Derek. This is fucked. I can't believe you guys fucked in the bathroom. Are you crazy?" Mark asks in shock. He is now leaning between the seats. He wants to know every detail.

"No. Horny. And thanks, you fucking prick!" Derek says as he smacks him in the head. "What the hell were you thinking? You didn't have to yell that shit! All you had to do was get up and walk away. You were a real fucking asshole, Mark!"

"That was screwed up, man. I am watching the movie, and I look over to see my cousin's mouth on my friend's cock. Excuse me for being a little freaked out." Mark muttered as he sat in the back and pouted.

"A normal guy would have enjoyed it. A normal guy would have asked for some of his own. No, you go the bitch route and out us, you little fuck!" Derek says angrily, I can tell he is mad. He should be mad. Mark is a little bitch, just as he said.

"Whoa there!" I say quickly. It has just now hit me. I now realize what he said. He just said that Mark should have asked for his own. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" I spit as I look over at him. "I am not blowing my cousin!"

"What? He isn't related. You could give him a little action. Give me a little action." Derek suggests with a smirk and a wink.

"You are a real ass, you know that?" I ask as I start beating him in the arm with my free hand. "Ass fucking hole!" I scream. "That is sick! Sick sick! That is... He is my cousin. I am not putting my mouth on his cock. I don't even want to see his cock." I scream as I look over at him. He is now leaning away and holding his arms up in a defensive position.

"Stop! I was kidding! I was kidding!" Derek yelled as he continued to lean away.

"You were not." I tell him as I stop and look away. See, that is the thing. We are fuck buddies. No feelings. We don't care if either of us fucks another. I could walk over and grab a random guy at any moment. As long as I'm not denying Derek, it doesn't matter. The same goes for me. If he walked away with a girl, I couldn't care less. As long as I get my screaming orgasm first. "Not that is matters... This is just sex."

"Yes. It is. I am glad you realize that. I wouldn't want you getting feelings or something..." Derek says frankly as we pull into the driveway.

"Yeah... Well, the same goes for you. Not that I expect it. I mean, men can have sex and not care. And I don't give a shit about you. So I assume it goes both ways." I say as I pull into the driveway.

"It does." He tells me as they sit there. I throw the car in park and look over at them both.

"So bye." I tell them as I sit there, waiting for him to get the message. Derek looks at me in shock.

"What? You aren't coming in?" He asks as he looks a me.

"No. I'm going home. So uh... Get out." I tell him with a frown.

"Oh... Okay. I guess I just... I thought we would-" He says quickly. I feel the anger boiling and I have no idea why.

"Fuck? Yeah, we already did that. I want to go home. So get out." I tell them as I wave both of them out. "Later, Mark."

"Bye, Mer." Mark replies as he shuts the door.

I pull off quickly. I'm mad. I know why I am mad. Before you say it, no, there are no feelings. I'm mad because he let us get caught. I'm mad because he is so insatiable. I'm mad because I am so damn insatiable. But even more than anything, I am mad because there are others. I want to be the top whore. I am a good fuck. And I don't want a a relationship. I do not care about him in the least. But I want his attention, and I want it all whenever I want it, without end. To have and to fuck.

**Please Review!**


	14. Carside to Go

I have nothing to do. The truth is, I want to fuck. I want to fuck in the worst way. I want to do Derek hard. I want it fast. I want him to flood me with pain, and then cover it all with pure pleasure. As I lay back on my sofa, I think about how I have royally screwed myself. I left when I could have gotten more from him. I totally screwed myself and now I am pouting.

I was mad. I wasn't mad that we got caught. Hell, getting caught wasn't bad when it happened. And I was only embarrassed for a second as we got escorted out. No, the problem is, Derek will go home. He will go home and do this with someone else and it will be no big deal. And I will be stuck here. I will be stuck in the town of boredom. I will be left out of the fuck circle. And whoever takes my place, they will be having a damn good time.

I look up at the clock. I could go over there. I could see what is going on and possibly get some countdown action. I shrug as I pull myself to my feet. I will do it. I will get my action. I need to get while the getting is good. I need to get some. I need to play with the pole. Take a lick of the stick. I want Derek to give me the light saber so deep that my eyes light up. I need the force. I want to do all of those things.

I stick my key in the door. Now I have to play the nonchalant role. I want him to think that I kicked him out of my car and that was it. No big deal. I never even thought about it. I didn't think about him, I thought about it. He is the only man that can give me waves of orgasms one on top of the other. He is the man that can suck the life out of me in just a few minutes. He is that man. The goody good fuck.

"Hey..." I mutter as I walk into the house. Everyone looks up at me except Derek and Mark. Derek and Mark aren't even around.

"Oh... We didn't know you were coming. We were just getting ready to go to the mall. Would you like to come with us?" My grandma asks with a hopeful smile. She just wants me to drive her. That is all that is.

"Uh... Yeah. I guess." I respond with a shrug. There is never a time when I'm not ready to put the tap in my grandmother and drain her dry. After all, she does owe me. And she definitely loves me best. Hell yes, I want to go. I want to get whatever I can, while the getting is good.

"Good." Grandma says with a big smile as she gathers her purse up.

"I'm glad I will finally get to spend some time with you." My aunt says with a smile as she grabs her own purse and coat. My aunt is dork supreme. She is the one that wears flats and fitted jeans. She has no fashion sense whatsoever. It is actually pretty tragic. I mean, I may not wear the best stuff, but I do know what I should be wearing. She is just clueless.

"Oh joyous..." I mutter as I shake my head and walk away. Yeah, this stuff gets me so excited I am ready to pee my pants. Strike that. I mean so freaking ridiculous that I want to puke my guts out, eat it and then puke again. That was what I meant to say the whole time.

Okay... I know I will get flamed here, but women cannot drive. There are a few that can. There are a handful that possess the skill. But there are not many. I mean holy shit. Where did they learn? These people get in their big suvs and just go. I can't stand it. You either have the pushy ones in their big people movers. Or you get the white knuckles that are crawling down the road and begging to survive. I come from a long line of bad drivers. But me, I kick ass in a big way. That is the one thing I can do. I can drive. So go ahead and tell yourself you are in the handful of good ones. I won't tell anyone I saw you making the sign of the cross and you hit a dangerous forty five miles an hour. Or that you cut me off and I nearly kicked your ass. Only I am allowed to do that! And now the men... They think they have won some major prize because they possess the skills. Nonetheless, we possess much better and meaningful skills than they do. Not to mention the whole multiple orgasm thing... What now, sucker?

I want to know where Derek is. I want to know what he is doing. Maybe I want a good hard fuck at the moment. The thing is, I am far too proud for that. I will never admit to him that I want him, in a sexual way of course. I mean, I look at the man and I drip. To my defense, many men make me drip. Most men make me drip. But that man has a king sized cock, and he knows how to use it. Anyhow, I refuse to ask where they are. I don't care, remember?

"So what do you need?" I snap at my grandma. I snap a lot. She irritates me. All the time she makes me suicidal with her stupid ass smile. How can she be so fucking happy? Seriously, I need whatever shit she is taking. Apparently it's all natural. That is enough to make you vomit.

"What don't I need?" Grandma says as she pulls out the list. The dreaded list. I hate that list. I wish it would spontaneously combust in her hand, giving her a slight burn so she gets punishment for being such a pain in the ass.

"Yeah. That's what I thought." I say as I roll my eyes and stick my hand out. "I'm going away." I tell her frankly. "I need money, and I will find you later. The food court. If you aren't there in two hours, I am leaving, and I mean it this time." I say as she hands me a wad of cash.

Okay, here is the thing, you may think I am a bitch. You may think that I am rude. Greedy. Spoiled. Yeah, that's pretty true. But, my aunt, it going to drain the bank. She is here and she is sucking the old woman dry. I am getting what I deserve. And damn-it, I deserve the world on a silver platter. I want it right there in front of me as I sit in my plush leather chair and command my people.

As I am here, lost deep in thought over how people should love me. I mean, seriously, I am a freaking awesome person. I'm not just saying that. There is fact to back it up. People love me when they know me. It's pretty great. And if you get into that circle, you pretty much have it made. And as I think of this, I look up and see them. I see Derek. And I see Mark. And I see girls. This will never do. No way.

"Oh hell no..." I mutter to myself. Usually I keep to myself. I am actually a pretty quiet person. I don't bite unless provoked. I don't generally walk up to strangers and react. But right now, I need to. Right now, someone is talking to my fuck buddy. It almost looks like he is being solicited. Not today.

As I walk up, I know I am strutting. One must strut at a time like this. Not to mention, when you have four inch heels on, you have to strut or you can't walk. See, at this moment, I am going in for the kill whether I need to or not. The guys have their backs to me. The girls are looking over. The girls see me coming. I wonder what they are thinking in their little pea brains. I can tell you that they are pea brains. I can tell just by looking at them.

"Derek. Mark." I say frankly as I walk straight up to the group. The girls look at me like I am a bitch from middle earth coming to take over rule. I am here. I am bad. I always said, if I am going to hell, I am taking over. We'll see, won't we? I am fairly certain that will be my next residence.

"Oh! Mer..." Derek says almost nervously. Truly, I have no rights to either of these men. "We were just... This is..." Derek trailed off as he looked at the three girls before him. Nice pieces of ass, I would assume. But here is the thing. I have talents. I have many talents that can not be denied. "I don't know who this is." He finally admits as he looks at them and then at me.

"Who are you?" The blond asks. I feel my anger boil. I could take them. I'm a scrapper, and I think I could have a good time here with these village idiots. I wait for Derek. It seems he has no idea what to say. And Mark, he went silent a long time ago.

"Me?" I ask smartly as I point to myself. They all nod and give me their evil eyes. "Derek is my fuck buddy." I tell them frankly with a nod. "These two are my whores. And right now, I need a good fuck. So it was nice meeting you... Unknowns." I say with a smirk as I look up at Derek. Derek looks at me with wide eyes. I think he is genuinely surprised that I said that. I walk away with a smile. I know he will follow. He always does.

"That was hot!" Derek says as he runs up next to me like an uncoordinated ape. "So fucking hot. You just- I can't believe you said that!"

"It's the truth..." I tell him as I walk with a purpose. "And I wasn't kidding. I need a fuck."

"Mer!" Mark shouts as he runs up alongside me. "What the fuck was that? Those girls were hot and you fucked it all up." He pouts as he looks at me.

"Fuck those girls." I tell him as I continue on. "Grandma is at Macy's if you want money. And I am going to get fucked. So unless you want a show, I suggest that you leave now." I tell him as I open the door and walk out to the parking structure. I press the button and listen for the door locks. As he near the car, I take the dominate position and shove Derek against the car. "What do you want, Derek?" I ask as I run my hand along his crotch. "Do you want this?" I ask as I grab his other hand and rub it along my jean clad slit.

"Oh god." He moans as I rub him hard. "Car." He says meekly as he undoes his jeans. I nod as I open the door. I begin work on my own jeans as we fall into the front seat of the car. I pull off my coat as he does his own and they both land somewhere in the back seat.

"I want to fuck you... I need to fuck you now." I tell him as he runs had hands over my shirt covered breasts.

"Yeah... Yeah..." He nods as his cock pokes through his boxers. "Yeah..." He mutters again as he pulls out a condom. I watch as he rolls the condom on as quickly as he can. He has gotten quit good at getting it on good and fast.

"Passenger seat." I moan as I push him. I can't have the steering wheel in my back. Derek quickly scoots over to the seat, throwing it back as quickly as it will go. He pulls me over to his lap.

"Give me what I need..." He moans as I place a knee on either side of his body and straddle him. I smirk, knowing that once again, I hold all of the power.

"What do you need, Derek?" I breath throatily as I lean near his face.

"This..." He says quickly as he pulls my head in. I look at his blue eyes in shock as he presses him lips firmly against mine. As I try to pull back, he slides his tongue in. My tongue goes limps as he plays with it, leaning deeper and deeper into the kiss. I can feel his fingers in my hair as he holds me there tightly. I finally come to my senses and pull away. I raise my hand and smack him across the face.

"You bastard!" I shout loudly. Derek looks at me in shock as he feels the sting on his cheek. He starts laughing heartily as he looks at me. He is mocking me. I quickly raise my hand to hit him again.

"Ah, ah, ah, Mer..." He says as he grabs my hands and thrusts his hips upward. I feel his generous cock fill my tiny void with force. I let out a gasp as I feel the pain that comes along with his hasty penetration.

"Ah!" I cry out loudly as I sit there, panting for breath. He has hurt me at the moment. I can feel my walls stretching for him, but the stinging pain remains.

"Fuck me, Mer... That is what you wanted." Derek tells me as he grasps my hips and forces me to grind on him. His big meaty pole stabs me sharply as I obey his command and rock my hips. "I saw how jealous you were."

"I have no reason to be jealous." I say frankly as I feel him put his head under my shirt and lift my lace demi bra.

"You say that... But I saw it." He tells me as he takes one of my nipples in his teeth and squeeze tightly. I let out a gasp at the pain that now fills me all the way around. I feel Derek's hand slide between us. He grasps the base of his penis. I have no idea why, if I'm not tight enough for him, than he doesn't know what tight is. "You are so tight." He groans as he begins gently flicking my clitoris. I begin rocking harder and faster at the sensation on my sensitive spot.

"Oh...Oh...Oh..." I whine as he plays with it. I pull my chest away, his teeth expending my nipple and breast at the force.

"You like that?" Derek asks as he releases my nipple. "Ride me a little harder... If you think you can..."

At that, I only go faster to prove him wrong. I can already feel my body reacting to the pleasure that is to come. My heart beats so quickly as I pant from the effort. Derek has his head deep seated in my cleavage. I can feel my free breasts swinging and slapping him in the face as I ride his iron pole.

"Oh...Oh...Fuck...Oh yeah... There... Rub it... Rub it, Derek... Oh god... Oh God... oh...Oh...OH!" I cry out as I crash down hard. My body is contracting as I pound down on him over and over. I am determined to give myself more than I can handle. I ride him harder over and over again through the pain, knowing it will be well worth it. "Oh...Ah...ah...ah..." I cry out loudly, riding through the pain.

"Oh yeah...Ride it, baby... Ride it!" Derek shouts. "I'm cumming... I'm cumming!" He yells as he thrusts up into me as hard as he can. "Oh...God..." He groans as he grabs me around the back and pulls my chest against his face. I scream out a string of nothing as I feel another wave come over me. I can feel Derek spurting in between my strong contractions. I can feel the sweat running down my back.

"Oh my fucking god..." I mutter as I lay there.

"You were jealous..." He laughs into my bare chest, under my shirt.

"I have nothing to be jealous about. Where is your cock?" I ask with a giggle.

"You make a point." Derek agreed as he shook his head. I look at his eyes as I pull myself off of him. I know there is a moment when it gets weird. We are fuck buddied. Casual sex partners. And there is a line. I know there is.

"Okay... I need to get back in there. I gave grandma a time limit, and no way am I going to break my own rule." I tell him as I get into the driver's seat and pull on my panties. I know he is looking at me, though I am not sure why.

"Oh... I see how it is. Get your ride and leave." He jokes as he begins putting himself together. We have gotten quite good at this. We have the ability to get ourselves ready in no time. We have become post-coital cover up masters.

"Of course. And actually, I have some shopping of my own to do." I tell him frankly as I pull my boots on. I wish there were a way to keep the shoes on. I have tried it several times. You can't. It seems they either get stuck in your jeans, causing you a rather large and embarrassing tumble. Or they get the insides of your pants dirty. I guess I will make it my life's work to figure out this slight issue.

"Do you now?" Derek asks with a smile. I'm not really sure what that suggestive look in his eye means, but his wheel are always spinning. I am quite sure that he could weave a fine tapestry with his porny thoughts.

"I do." I tell him frankly as I buckle my belt and look over. "You are more than welcome to come with me. I mean, I am sure you are into looking and shopping for intimate apparel. God knows I am." I mumble. I am at an in between stage. I like to, but at the same time I do not. I'm not one-hundred percent comfortable with my body, but I do like to feel sexy.

"Are you going to Victoria's Secret?" He asks me with a smirk. I look at him like he is insane. Like it is a big deal. It's Victoria's Secret.

"Uh... Yeah. Why do you ask?" I question with a giggle. I have to admit, taking Derek to Victoria's Secret could be either really good, or really bad.

"I think I may need to come along." Derek agrees as he grabs our coats from the backseat of the car and hands me mine.

"That's fine. But you need to be on your best behavior. I'm not even sure why I am wasting my time telling you..." I mutter as I look over. Both he and Mark do not listen to me. It's like I don't exist when I try to make them do what I want. I guess it really depends on what exactly it is that I want.

"Aren't I always?" He questions with a grin as he opens his door and steps out. I shake my head as I pen my own door. I know that is a bad idea. I repeat, bad idea. As I walk around the car and to the entrance, I feel my legs quivering. That must have been a better fuck than I thought. I would never tell him that. I think he should always strive for his personal best. At least he should for me.

"So... I guess we are fugitives of sorts. Coming back in here when we have been banned." I giggle as we walk into the mall. He looks over at me and smiles.

"I suppose we are. Are you afraid?" He asks with a chuckle as we walk side by side past the stores.

"Of course not. Do I look like the type that is afraid of a rent a cop? Not to mention, how the hell can they prove we even did that? I'm not scared of those ass fucks." I tell him frankly. "It's his word against ours. I may think I remember him... We were in line at Orange Julius and they ran out of orange. Yep, that's it. He's been after me ever since. Sabotage, I tell you!" I laugh as he walk along. Derek shakes his head and smile at me. I know he thinks I'm nuts.

"You know what, I think it's true! I saw it all. He has been after you from the beginning." Derek tells me with a wink.

"See... Now I have a witness." I giggle as we walk into Victoria's Secret. I look over at Derek and laugh. I think it's like he walked into fantasyland. "It's just bras and panties." I tell him frankly.

"Oh... It's so much more." He mutters as he follows me along.

I don't understand it. I mean, it is underwear. Underwear. Nothing amazing. Nothing great. There may be some nice sets on the wall. Maybe some hot models wearing it. But that is it. It's not like they jump of the walls and have wild orgies with the men that walk in. But I bet that's what they think. That is their fantasy. To have sex in the bins of three for thirty dollars panties. That's hot. So hot.

"Derek... You are pathetic." I sigh as I walk along, looking nonchalantly.

I like string bikinis. And brazilian cut or cheekies. I love the way the brazilian feel. I like the way it covers half of my ass. Just sexy enough. What I do not like, are thongs. Thongs go up my ass and never return. And g-stings are another story yet. My ass gets cold. But if I had to choose between a strip of cloth or a string up my crack... I pick the string. Alas, I am not forced to choose. I am my own person. For the moment, that is. And I will wear whatever I want on my ass.

"Oh...yeah... I like this." Derek says with a grin as he holds up a peekaboo g-string. He has a devilish smile on his face. Of course he does.

"I bet you do. But that... What is the point? It isn't covering what it needs to cover." I laugh as I pick up a fishnet and lace cheeky pair of panties. "This is my style..." I tell him as I hold it up.

"And that is fucking hot!" He says with a grin. "Incredibly fucking hot." He tells me as he grabs them from my hand and rubs his fingers over them.

"Yeah... Well...It's not up to you. Who cares?" I say with a shrug. "You are just a fuck. I don't care, and I'm sure you don't care what I am wearing over my pussy." I tell him with a sigh. I see Derek giving me a look out of the corner of my eye. I honestly don't know what it means.

"Well, I guess you are right. Maybe you should wear what the other guys want you to wear." He says frankly as he picks up another pair and examines them. I look away from him. I'm not sure if that was some kind of jealous comment, or if he is implying I am a whore. I decide to take it as jealousy.

"Yeah... You're right." I tell him with a laugh. "I'm sure the others would like these lace up ones." I tell him as I grab a pair.

"There are others?" Derek asks quickly as he chases after me. I ignore his question. I don't want him to know that the answer is no, and I have been in a dry spell for all eternity. I will let him ponder.

"I like this." I say as I hold up a black lace push up bra with a gel curve. "I will definitely get this." I mutter as I grab the matching panties. I like my things in sets. I like to match.

"Oh yeah... That's nice." Derek says as he follows me. I think his focus went off of the sexy lingerie and onto my sex life. "So, are there others?" He asks as I grab some more intimate items and walk over to the cashier.

"Derek... You are a fuck, okay? No feelings. Hot sex. So don't worry about it." I say as she tells me the total. I know he is looking at me. But I have no idea what is going on in the boys head. No idea.


	15. Gloveless

I have found, there is a difference between men and women. Besides the obvious difference that they have this wonderful toy called a penis. See, their toy is great. I mean, they can go anywhere and play with that toy. Go to the bathroom, play with the toy. Stuck in traffic, play with the toy. They don't even have to take their clothes off. They whip it out and go to town. And don't get me started on balls. Now those are dam fun. Fun indeed. I see a guy scratching his junk and all I can thin, is one day. I want to take that shit for a test drive for one day. Okay. So back to the not so obvious difference. Guys, they don't dwell on things. They let it roll and keep going. Girls think and obsess about every little comment that is made.

So apparently, I am not a girl. Not really. I don't do that. And Derek, I think he is obsessing about my comment to him. I think he is thinking about the other guys. I don't know why he would care. Other guys wouldn't cut down on his fuck. Not to mention, there are no guys on this list. And I don't even know if I will ever see Derek again. I am not reserving a spot in my life for him. I have no reason to.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." Derek says nonchalantly from the passenger seat of my Jeep. I don't bother looking at him. I look at the road. I look where I am supposed to.

"Oh... Are you?" I ask. Like I don't know. I more than know. I have been weaning myself off from his sex drug. I have been preparing for the jump off the sex train. I have known for a long time. But I need to pretend I didn't. "I guess I didn't realize."

"Yeah... I think we are leaving early in the morning." Derek pointed out as he sat there in a slump. He was quiet. Strangely quiet.

"That sounds like a boatload of fun." I joke as I drive along. My uncle has the biggest mouth in the history of man. And it can't be a pleasure cruise to sit there with Mark.

"So... Are you going to be around tonight?" Derek asks as he sits there, looking out the window. He is being foolish. He is being quiet. He is acting differently than he usually does.

"Um.. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not." I tell him with a shrug. I guess in my own way, I am just as foolish as he. I don't want him to think I need it. I don't want him to think I crave the sex as badly as I do. So I pretend I don't care. "You want sex..." I mutter, making it look like he is the needy one.

"Of course I want sex." He tells me simply. "And you don't?" He asks with a chuckle.

"Everyone wants sex." I respond frankly. I stand by that. I am fairly certain that everyone does want sex. Or at least anyone who has tasted and enjoyed that oh so sweet treat. "So to answer your question... Yes, I want sex." I tell him with a nod as I pull in front of the barn.

To say the sexual tension was strong would be a slight understatement. It was beyond strong. As we walk in the barn, I only have one thing in my head. I want sex, and I want it now. So that means I have to run. I have to get the hell away from him because if I don't, I will jump him right then and their, and my horses are hungry.

"Aren't you in a hurry?" Derek asks as he walks into the feed room. He has a shit eating grin on his face. He knows. I know that he knows. "What's the big hurry?" He chuckles loudly.

"I just need to get things done." I tell him as I rush past with grain scoops in my hand. "Here, go feed that one." I tell him as I point. As he walls away, I take a look at that ass. The perfect ass. I even like grabbing it as I suck hard on his cock. It really is the perfect ass.

"What else do you want me to do?" Derek asks as he walks in. I hand him another scoop and point to another horse. I have to keep him busy. I have to keep him busy to keep him away from me. "Geez, Mer... You are so tense." He tells me as he walks back in and I nearly jump to the ceiling like a cat.

I ignore him as I go along with my work. I can feel my core heating up. I am thinking it is slightly pathetic that I am so wet just from thinking about the man. I try everything as I walk horses out to the field. I need him so badly. I need that hard cock in my core, tasting my folds and licking my soul.

I walk into the tack room. I have to get away from him. I have to stay away from that man that possesses just what I want. I want that hard cock. I would take it anywhere he was willing to give it. I would taste it eagerly. I'd let him fill me up to the top and press my walls to their brink. So I need air. And It looks like I am not getting it.

"I can't take it." Derek says as he rushes up behind me. I turn around and look at him. I will try to pretend that I have no idea that he is feeling the exact same way that I am. "I need to fuck you, Mer. I need to fuck you know. My cock is ready." He says as he goes to work on his pants and lets them fall.

"Awful hasty, considering I never said you were getting anything." I tell him with a chuckle as I look into his eyes.

"Bullshit." He spits as he leans forward. I know what he is about to to. That shit face wants to kiss. I don't kiss. I quickly raise my hand and grab his face.

"Not that." I tell him as I squeeze him tightly and wrench him. I can feel his hard jaw under my fingers. "Just fucking. What is with you and this kissing shit?" I ask as I look into his blue eyes.

"Fuck if I know." Derek growls as he goes to work on my jeans. "Fuck if I care..." He moans as he rips them down. He wants to take me. And I will let him.

"Damn, Derek!" I spit as he throws me back on my tack trunk. He isn't wasting any time. He knows what he wants, and he is taking it. He is taking it now. "In a fucking hurry?" I ask with a smirk.

"Fuck yes I am." He says frankly as he pulls my boots off, letting my jeans fall to the floor with them. My flesh is cold and red from the below zero temperatures that have taken over our area. It may be cold out, but at the moment, I have a heat burning inside of me that would warm us both.

"Oh god..." I moan as I close my eyes. I feel his warm hands grasp my thighs and slide them apart. His large hands creep up my legs, touching my flesh softly. I don't need to open my eyes to know that he is going for the money shot.

"You like that?" Derek asks with a smile as he runs his long finger over my wet slit. Just that tiny touch is enough to make me gush. I need him. I need him inside of me. I need to feel something. I need to feel anything. I need pleasure.

"Yes..." I groan as he plays with my lips. I feel him grab a pinch full of public hair and pull sharply. "Ouch, you fuck!" I shout as My eyes flash open. That hurt more that I ever thought it could. "What the hell was that?"

"Just making sure you were awake. I know you like a little pain with your pleasure." He reminds me as he does it again, pulling harder this time. He finishes that up with a gentle stroke of my clitoris with his thumb. I immediately suck in a breath at the strong sensation. "Oh... Someone likes that." He teases as he pulls away and delves his fingers deep inside my core, feeling my ready wetness on his skin. "And boy are you wet... Hmm... Maybe you want this too badly..."

I quickly open my eyes. I need him. Oh god, do I need him. I don't need him like this. Not when he is doing this. We both needed a quick fuck, and here he is teasing me. Pulling and pushing me to and from the limits in a dance made for torture. I need him to realize that he is not that important to me and I can do well without him.

"Fuck this!" I say as I looked at him, placing my hands on his chest and shoving him away.

"What the hell?" He asks in shock as he looks into my eyes. "What was that for?"

"You're a fucking tease. I hate that shit." I say as I go to pull up my pants. "I have better things to do." I tell him as I bend down. I grasp the waist of my pants and panties in one swoop and pull them up. Just as I look up, I see him in my face.

"Too fucking bad." He says loudly as he rips my pants back down to the floor. "I am fucking you. And we will to the fucking, when we get to the fucking!" He says as he grabs my face. "And right now we will get to the kissing."

I feel his large hand grasp my face tightly. I wonder if he has any idea how much I hate this. I wonder if he realizes that it digs down into my soul and rips into my heart. I pains me. I feel physical pain as he slides his tongue in my mouth. It is a phantom pain brought on my an emotion, but it is still there. I hate it. It chokes me. It makes me ill. I don't do a thing as his tongue slides around in my mouth, pleasing him so. Finally he pulls away from me. I have no idea how it can be any good. No idea at all.

"Now to the fucking." He tells me as the tosses me onto my back and rips my pants off. "Good fucking." He reminds me as he spreads my legs and makes his way to my wet center.

"Oh god... Do it." I groan as his cock pokes at my center. I need him inside of me. It feels so natural. It feels so right. It is the feeling of what is to come. And what is to come is the best. Derek lets out a smile and a groan as he slams his cock into my tight pussy.

"Ah!" I yelp as I feel my walls spread for his manhood. I feel immediate pain as he takes over the space that wasn't prepared for his huge dong. "Oh god... OH GOD!" I say quickly as I realize what I am feeling. My eyes get wide as I look at Derek.

"Oh fuck!" Derek says as he looks down. I feel his bare cock inside of me. I have never felt it without a condom. It feels so right and perfect. It feels uncovered and unspoiled. It feels fresh and new, all the definition and perfection nestled into my sweet spot. Nothing separating our bodies. "You- You- You... You're on birth control, right?" He asks me in a panic.

"Yeah...Uh...Yeah. I swear! I swear Derek, if you have something, I will kill you! I will fucking kill you! Dead mother fucker! Dead. I will cut that bitch right off your body!" I shout as I look at him. I think he may be slightly fearful.

"No! I swear. I've never... I have always used a condom. Always." He says with a huge nod. I can see that he isn't lying.

"Okay." I agree as I look into his eyes. He smiles faintly as he withdraws his cock and slides it back in. It all feels so right and my wetness surrounds him, guiding him in with haste. I let out several small pants at the his mass infiltrating my tiny space. "Oh god, Derek! Oh! Oh!" I cry out as I look into his eyes. "Harder and faster!"

"God, Mer..." He groans as he picks up his pace. "This is so amazing... This it so fucking amazing... God, you feel good. So good. Oh my god..." He pants as he works as hard as he can, causing beads of sweat to form on his brow. "You are tight...and wet...and fucking perfect." He tells me as he pumps. "Fuck...I'm..."

"Oh god, Derek... Fuck...Fast...It's coming fast! I'm cumming, Der! I'm... I'm... OH GOD!" I scream as I feel him shoot his wet load into my core. I feel my own walls crashing tightly around him, milking his cock and draining his seeds. I close my eyes as he shoots his seeds into my core in spurts. I feel the amazing sensations take me over as he fills me over and over against, his penis twitching wildly. As I look into his eyes, I wonder how bad we just fucked up.

"Oh god... That was... Am- Amazing!" He pants as he looks into my eyes. All I can do is nod. He is right.

--

I have to admit. I am a little freaked out about this whole no condom thing. I mean, I had his cock inside of me. Things were shared. Fluids were shared. His cum is inside of me. Right now, his guys are swimming around inside and I am praying to god that my birth control is at it's best. So here I am, living in the state of paranoia, waiting for some sign that either A, he gave a a nice venereal disease. Or B, that we will be parents. Neither will happen, but that doesn't mean that I don't have the right to be a freak about it.

I think that Derek was turned on by it. Guys are weird. I mean, I don't get the sense of him freaking out. I don't think that he is paranoid about kids or anything else. I mean, generally if he had a disease, I would see the nice telltale signs. He looked pretty healthy to me. And if he is not, I will chalk it up to a life lesson learned. In other words, I am totally fucked.

As I walk into the basement, I look over at Derek. I want him. I mean, even I know this is ridiculous. I have a sex drive that does not end. It's like it never goes off. I am always looking at his cock through his jeans. And let me say, it is big enough that I can see it through his jeans. I can see it, and my mouth waters. I am Pavlov's dog. I am conditioned to want that big dong.

"You are leaving tomorrow." I tell him as I walk in in and look at him. He is leaving tomorrow, and my body will feel a huge void. And to me... Well, that is just sad.

"I am." Derek agrees as he looks at me. I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he will feel the void too. I think not. I have a feeling he will walk out and move on to the next pussy. The thing is, I had him. That is all that matters. I fucked that. And that is good, good shit.

"You are." I say again as I sit down on the sofa. I am bad. I am horrible. I know that. I don't tease, but then again, I do tease. I like to get him hot and walked away. But if he did that to me, I'd kill him. I hate that crap. But alas, I want him to think I don't need him. I don't need him. I need part of him. One part.

"I am." Derek repeats as he leans towards me. He is going to kiss me. Damn it. The sucker is going in for the kill.

"Nice..." I say as I pull out from under the body that is now trying to cover mine. I'm not giving it to him. Not yet. I quickly roll off of the sofa and land with a thump on the floor. I smirk at him as I climb to my feet and go to walk away.

"Where the hell do you think you are going?" Derek asks in shock as he grasps me and pulls me down on the sofa with him. I feel his arms hold me tightly as she tries to hold me down.

"Off of me, you ass!" I spit as I pull away and jump up. I quickly run up the stairs and attempt to get away from him. Everyone is asleep, knowing they have to get up early. Derek and I are up. I wonder why? I know why. Because we are both horny shits who can't get enough.

"Get back here!" Derek shouts as he makes a made grab for me. "Where do you think you are going?" He asks with a smirk as he grabs ahold of my ankle and pulls me face first down the carpeted stairs.

"What are you doing?" I ask with a giggle as I look up at him. He has now flipped me onto my back and has my ass shoved into the step. "What do you think you are doing?" I repeat with a smirk.

"I am fucking you. Right here. Right now." He tells me as he leans up and rips his pants down. His big cock never ceases to amaze me. It is always big and ready for me and I love every minute of it.

"Derek... I need a drink." I whine as I attempt to scoot away. I see a desire in his eyes. It's nice to know that someone wants you in that way.

"Damn right you do." He says with smirk as he pushes me back down. "And I want to fuck you. Now." He tells me as he shoves me down and pulls my pants down. He looks in shock, I am not wearing panties. I always wear panties, but not tonight. "Oh god... Look at you!" He says with a big smile as he looks down at me. "You look fucking perfect!" He tells me with a smirk as he spreads my legs.

"Oh damn you, Derek! Damn you to hell!" I shout as I look at him. "Why? Why?" I plead as he rolls the condom on. "Oh god... Why?" I ask myself loudly as he lays between me and runs his fingers over my slit. "Why?" I ask again.

"Why what?" Derek asks breathlessly as he slides himself into me. "Oh god... Fuck... You are tight." He says with a smirk as he fills me to the brink. "Why what?"

"Why can't I stop myself?" I ask as he slides in and out, a shit eating grin on his face. "Why?" I ask as he slams my core with his huge dong. "Why?" I pant as he slides in and out over and over.

"Oh god... Why? Why do you have to be so fucking tight?" He asks with a big grin as he holds himself up with his hands on the stairs. "Why do you have to be so good?" He asks as he holds himself with one hand and lifts my shirt. He slides my bra up and takes a nipple in his mouth.

"Oh god...Harder...Harder... Faster!" I pant out as I feel my heart start to be rapidly. Derek takes a bite of my nipple and smiles as I let out a groan.

"Ouch!" I shout as he grinds it between his teeth. "Stop."

"You know you like it..." He tells me as he looked up. I can feel his muscle pulsating. It wants me. I want him. "Oh god... I am ready to cum... I am cumming. You cum for me... Cum for me... Come on, Mer." He begs, knowing that he is cumming himself.

"Oh god... Oh...oh...oh...oh...ah...faster...oh god...YES!" I scream as I feel myself hit the edge and plummet. My walls contract hard and fast. My feet twitch uncontrollably. My face is twitching like crazy. I am losing control, my eyes rolling back in my head. "Oh..." I whimper loudly.

"Oh my god... Holy shit!" Derek spits as he shoots his seeds into the condom and relaxes his body, letting our reflexes take over. "You are fucking great." He tells me as he lays there on top of me. And honestly, I am feeling pretty fucking great.

**Practice safe sex!!**

**And review!**


	16. Crazy

If you think it ends with some stair sex, you are sadly mistaken. I mean, seriously. We are the horniest people in the world. There are horny toads. I'm not sure if these toads are horny. I mean, I know that are all rough looking and that is probably why they are called horny toads, but if they were horny because they fucked like, well, horny toads... Then we are horny toads. Because stair sex is the beginning of all kinds of sex. And we have hours to burn.

"Where are you going?" Derek asks as I stand up and pull my pants up.

"I told you I was thirsty." I tell him with a nod as I head upstairs. I was already thirsty, and post-coital, I am like an animal. Post-coital, I could drain the biggest body of water in the world. Blame it on the cum that pours out of my body, rendering me dehydrated.

"I know you are... Want a drink?" Derek asks with a smile as he rubs his flaccid cock.

"Not of that. And If I did... You aren't even close to ready." I giggle as I walk away. I mean, it has been all of maybe five minutes and he is ready for fuck round two.

"Oh, I can be ready. I can be ready now if need be." He tells me with a big nod. I think he may be right. The boy can rise to the occasion, and when I say rise... I mean rise. Like a high rise building. Like a cement pillar. Steel erection. He sure as hell gets it up.

"Sure." I taunt him. At the moment, I want to egg him on. I want to see if he can. Even if I already more than know that it is so possible. I quickly walk up the stairs. My legs are still quivering as I take step after step in post coital bliss.

"A little shaky, are we?" He laughs as he follows me. He can see it. I can feel it.

"Hell yes, I am shaky. You just fucked the life out of me." I whisper loudly as I walk. One thing about me... I am loud. I talk loud. I whisper loud. In other words, anyone in the house probably heard me say it. One thing I can do, fuck silent. If need be, I can remain completely silent.

"And I am ready to do it again." Derek tells me with a grin as he spins me around and pushes me against the counter. He grasps my ass cheeks tightly and stares into my eyes. I think he has a problem. He seriously does have a problem.

"You are screwed in the head. You know that, right?" I ask with a giggle. I am just as screwed up, but I will never admit it. I would rather remain in my famous state of denial.

"I do. And I want you to screw my head." He tells me with a smile. How can I deny that? I cannot. I cannot stop myself. I have to. Have to.

"Drink." I tell him frankly. "I uh... Need a drink." I tell him as I try to pull away from his body that is pinning mine.

"Stay here." He says as he walks to the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of water. I stay at the island countertop and watch as he walks back to me. "Here." He says as he hands me the water and kneels down. I feel his fingers play at my pajama pants. He quickly rips them down and lifts me onto the counter.

"What are you doing?" I ask in shock as I feel my ass on the cold counter. He quickly spreads my legs and smiles.

"Getting my drink." He tells me with a smile as his head disappears into my bush. Luckily I trimmed that shit. He would have gotten lost down there. He is a jungle adventurer and a good one at that. As long as he uses his compass and follows the clit, we are good.

"Oh..." I moan as he slides his tongue into my vagina. No teasing. Now he is tasting. I take a long sip of my water as he dives in and out with his long tongue. "Oh...god..." I giggle as I looked down at him. I can smell my own aroma filling the air.

"Clit time." He says with a smile as he looks up at me and licks each of my pussy lips. His smooth tongue is divine over my soft lips. I take another sip and he moves to the spot. I know my clit is well hooded at the moment and he will have to coax it out. He knows just how to do that.

"Oh... Yeah... There!" I gasp as he runs his tongue over it hard. I like it soft and hard. He knows how. He knows all. "Oh...Faster... Flick it, Derek!"

"Oh yeah... You taste sweet, baby. So sweet." He tells me as he rubs me hard. I can feel my clit growing in size as he talks sweetly to in it's language. "Oh yum..." He tells me as he abandons my clit and dives back into my vagina. "Oh yes..." He tells me as he takes one long lick straight up my wet slit. He is milking it. He is stimulating my sweet spot.

"Derek... Make me cum... Please?" I ask as I spread my legs farther and grasp my water.

"Drink." He says quickly as he opens his mouth and looks up at me. I smile as I pour a large amount of water down his throat, filling his mouth and over spilling. I water as the water trickles down his throat and soaks his shirt. Derek grabs the bottle and pours it over my slit, sucking it dry. I wince at the icy cold sensation over my clitoris.

"Oh god..." I gasp as I feel the cold and his warm tongue licking me. "Oh god... Oh god... Oh...oh..." I whimper as he tongues me as quickly as he can. "Oh god... Oh... OH!" I cry out as I feel my walls slam down. The contractions gets uncontrollable as my body quivers and pulsates all over. I can't stop the twitching of my feet and hands as contraction after contraction slides over my body. Derek sets the water on the counter. In my post coital fog, I grab it and pour it over his head.

"Fuck!" He gasps as he looks up at me, his head soaking wet like a prized athlete. He is. He is that good. "Thanks.. That was... Whew! Good shit."

"Oh god..." I say as I lay my back down on the counter. "I like drinking. And you... Wow. Just... Wow!" I gasp. He never ceases to amaze me. Wet and wild we are.

I lay there post-coital. It's funny how you don't have any common sense during or after sex. It's like everything flies out the window, never to return. I am laying on my grandparent's countertop, pants down and I don't even care. Anyone could walk in, and I don't care. Okay, I care. I would totally flip if they saw me. I would freak the fuck out. But thankfully, no one is coming . Well, no one except Derek.

"Oh yeah..." I say softly to myself as I jump off of the counter and pull my pants off. "Come on..." I whisper throatily as I grab his drawstring and pull him along. I want to ride him, and I want to ride him hard.

_**bAlright! /b**_

I look into Derek's eyes as I pull him along. I am walking backwards. I don't want to break the gaze between us. Right now, we are communicating on some crazy sexual level. Right now, I can see the definition of his chest, and his hard cock so close to my prying hand. I want to teach him a lesson. I want him to leave here feeling or thinking something that he never has before. Like that I am a good fuck. And he better not forget it.

"Whoa..." Derek says as he watches me walking backwards, pulling him along. I think maybe he knows he is in for it. He is ready for me. Ready for the fuck.

"I think..." I whisper as I hit the floor. "I need...to show you... What I am capable of." I say as I walk backwards into his room.

"And what would that be?" Derek asked as he shut the door with his foot. I hear it click loudly as it hits the strike plate. We are alone. And I am going to get my freak on. I am going to get him good.

"Why don't we wait and find out?" I ask with a smile as I walk backwards.

I stop feet from the bed and run my hands over his chest. I grab the hem of his Hollister shirt and slide it over his head. His chest is perfect. Perfection in front of me. Derek smirks as he pulls my shirt over my head, and then takes off my demi push up. Derek leans in and takes my nipple into his mouth. I love it when he tongues my nipple. His smooth, broad tongue flicks me gently as he sucks hard.

"This is my show." I tell him as I rip his pants off of his body. His cock bounces as my hand grazes over it. I can tell by the look on his face that he is more than ready for this.

"Your show, huh?" He asks with a smile. "Fine... Let's see just how you run this show of yours?" Derek asks as he looks at me. He isn't going to undress me. He is making me do it. I quickly slide my pants down and reveal my dripping wet mound.

"My show... My rules. Lets just show you." I tell him as I run over and grab a condom out of the table. I rush back to my spot and rip the package open, grasping his manhood in my hand. I hold the power. He needs to know that. I smile at my accomplishment, and I look into his eyes as I grab his hand and pull him down on the bed with me.

**bBreak me down **

**You got a lovely face **

**We're going to your place **

**And now you've got to freak me out**

**Scream so loud **

**Getting fucking laid **

**You want me to stay **

**But I got to make my way /b**

"I think this would be me taking charge." Derek tells me as he lays between my spread legs. He feels so strong and in control as he lays above me, showing me who is the boss.

"For the moment." I say with a dirty smile as I wrap my legs around his thighs and wait for him to thrust his throbbing member deep into my core. "The moment..." I laugh.

Derek smiles. For the moment, he is determined to show me. I feel his hard cock slide into my wet folds. I was more than ready for him, dripping wet. My naturally slippery, white lubrication guiding him into ecstasy. I moan loudly as he withdraws and goes right back in for the kill.

"Oh god, Derek..." I squeal loudly. I am not q squealer, but the pain and pleasure he is throwing on me is far more than moan worthy. "Oh yes... You big fuck!" I tell him as I thrust my hips into him. I need him. I feel like an animal. I need him. I quickly run my long nails over his back. I can feel his flesh moving under my nails. As his thrusting increases, my grip tightens.

"You are so fucking tight, Mer!" He shouts. I am. I am that fucking tight. I know that he has to be dying. Dying of pure pleasure because I am strangling him. I am milking that cock and telling it who is boss as he bends to my rule. I run my hands down his ass and grip it tightly, squeezing with every thrust.

**bHey!**

**You're crazy bitch **

**But you fuck so good I'm on top of it **

**When I dream **

**I'm doing you all night **

**Scratches all down my back to keep me right on /b**

"Oh...Oh...Oh..." I pant loudly as I grind my hips against him. His thick manhood fills me up, moving my walls apart with every penetration. I just want him. I want all of him. I want him to know that when it comes to sex, I can do it. And with him, I can do it well.

"Fuck...fuck...fuck..." Derek grunts with every thrust. We've had sex, but this is rough. Derek is putting in all he has, hitting me hard, and hitting me fast. I feel his mouth suck on my chest as he pulls in and out with force. There is no ease, even with my wetness, it's still tight. And he is still thick.

**bHey!**

**You're crazy bitch **

**But you fuck so good I'm on top of it **

**When I dream **

**I'm doing you all night **

**Scratches all down my back to keep me right on /b**

Derek's mouth licks at my soft flesh leaving a wet trail from his tongue. It slides so smoothly and he tastes my sweetness. He runs his tongue between my breasts, sucking gently. I feel his hard body sliding over my soft body as he glides in and out with perfection. I can feel his strength radiating through my body as he forces himself upon me.

"Faster...faster...faster..." I shout as I buck my hips up at him, moving along with his motions, playing with his ass cheeks, my fingers teasing the crack. "Oh yeah...Right there...Right there!" I shout as I pant hard. The bed is squeaking. The headboard is pounding on the wall.

**bTake it off**

**The paper is your game **

**You jump in bed with fame **

**Another one night payed in full **

**You're so fine **

**It won't be a loss **

**Cashing in the rocks **

**Just to get you face to face /b**

I can't take it. RIght now, he is in charge. I need to be in charge. I grasp him tightly, and use all of my weight to flip him over on his back. I smile at my newfound position. Usually, I hate being on top. Not tonight. Tonight I am in this for me. Tonight, I am showing him just how great I can be. My thighs lay around his powerful frame. I place my hands on his strong sweaty chest. I lift my body up and come down on his cock hard. I am pounding him now. I frantically rock round on round, rotating my hips.

"Oh god... You fuck me so good!" Derek shouts as he looked up at me. I feel his hands on my ass, grasping tightly as I rock on his iron rod. I feel the sweat beads forming on the small of my back from my efforts.

"Oh yes...Oh yes..." I pant as I slow down a little. I am not ready to be there yet. I am not ready to feel ultimate pleasure. I rock slowly, seeing a mixture of emotions on his face.

**bHey!**

**You're crazy bitch **

**But you fuck so good I'm on top of it **

**When I dream **

**I'm doing you all night **

**Scratches all down my back to keep me right on /b**

"Come on... Let's go." Derek says as he thrusts himself up into me. I smirk at his neediness. This is fun. Way too fun.

"Do you need it?" I tease as I look into his eyes. "How bad do you need it?" I ask. I want him to beg. I want him to realize I am the powerful one, and he is weak in my rule. He needs to appreciate what he is getting from me. He is getting good things. Very good things.

"Bad... I fucking need to cum. Give it to me... Please fuck my brains out." He shouts as he grasps my hips and guides me. I am grinding at a snails pace. I want him to suffer for a few.

"Oh god... Fuck it!" I shout as I frantically rock. "Fuck yes...fuck yes!" I shout as I rock forward and backward. I can feel my thigh muscles burning as I put in the biggest effort I ever have. All of my muscles are straining and I feel the burn as my hair gets damp from the sweat. I feel him claw my sides in desperation.

**bGet the video **

**Fuck you so good **

**Get the video **

**Fuck you so good **

**Crazy bitch **

**Crazy bitch **

**Crazy... bitch /b**

"Oh god...You are fucking nuts!" Derek yells as I bounce on him. I am riding a bronc. I am riding a wild stallion that needs to be tamed. Derek's hands move up my abdomen and over my breasts. He squeezes as I bounce hard on his cock. Now I am ready. I am ready to give it to him. I am ready to get there. "Cum for me, Mer... Fucking let it go and flood my cock with your sweet juices." He says as he rolls his eyes back and smiles.

"Fuck...I'm there... I am there!" I scream as I feel myself on the edge. I could pull away, but I don't have the personal strength to do it. I need it too bad. I need to fall like the weak person that I am. "Oh...there...Oh...MY GOD!" I shout as it comes faster than I thought. I feel my body hit it's mark and go out of control. My feet begin to twitch as every nerve is awoken. "Oh...Oh...Oh..." I pant as I stop riding him as sit on his pole.

"Oh fuck...Here is it...Here I come!" Derek spits as he drives himself into me. I feel his hard rod start to pulsate and shoot out his spurts of cum, filling the condom to it's brink. I sit there, my juices sliding out and around his cock, dripping down his balls.

**bHey **

**You're crazy bitch **

**But you fuck so good I'm on top of it **

**When I dream **

**I'm doing you all night **

**Scratches all down my back **

**Come on! **

**Baby girl **

**You want it all **

**To be a star you'll have to go down **

**Take it off **

**No need to talk **

**You're crazy but I like the way you fuck me! /b**

"Holy shit, Mer." Derek gasps as he looks up at me. I am out of breath. He is out of breath. I smell the sweet smell of cum floating in the air. Derek slides him fingers and and takes a lick of my sweetness. "Fuck you are good." He tells me with a nod.

"That was good." I agree as I sit a top him like I am mounted. I am mounted on his manhood. It is the perfect place to be. I smile as I look into his satisfied blue eyes.

"Good... So good." Derek agrees, nothing better to say. "You're fucking nuts... But I like it!" He tells me with a nod. I tend to agree.

**bYou keep me right on **

**You're crazy but I like the way you fuck me! /b**

--

A marathon is defined as a long-lasting or difficult task or operation of a specified kind. We are marathon runners. Maybe not runners. Fuckers. Marathon fuckers. And our marathon, difficult, not so much. Nothing about the fuck-fests that Derek and I have are difficult. In fact, it is very easy. Unbelievably easy. It is a simple task that leads to great things. I love great things. Especially when they cum in my core and make he squeal. I think our marathon is better defined as a long-lasting task. A very long lasting task. One that goes on and goes and goes. Or dare I say cums and cums and cums.

"That is the longest fuck session I have ever had." Derek tells me as I look up. I need to get the hell out of this bed. He is spent. He is done for. Not to mention, he will be leaving soon. He has an hour before he needs to leave. I'm sure everyone is getting up to leave, and here he is, post-coital and out of his mind.

"Yeah. I was good. And long. But mostly good." I tell him with a nod. I could honestly go another round. I could do it. But he is done. He is spent. There is no way he could go for shot number five. Most men wouldn't make it as long as he has. Apparently, from my line of questioning, it appears that two or three is the magic number. And Derek just blew past that in a very good way.

"Very..." He agrees with a smile. I look at him and shake my head. I do need to get my ass out of this bed and to my own. I would love to get some much needed sleep. If that is at all possible.

"Okay." I say frankly as I throw my legs over the side of the bed. I hate it when he looks at me. During sex, your mind is cloudy. After, you can look. You notice off of those imperfections that you seemed to look over when you were in the middle of your dirty rotten deed.

"Okay what?" Derek asks as he looks at me. I quickly grab my shirt. At least my shirt covers most of me until I can get some pants on.

"Okay... It was great. Good. All of that." I tell him with a nod as I pull my pajama pants on. I forget about my panties. I just want to get dressed and get dressed in a hurry.

"That's it?" Derek asks as he looked up at me in shock. I'm not really sure why he is in shock. He doesn't have a reason to be in shock. He should be glad. Happy. All of that good stuff.

"Uh... I'm not really sure what you are talking about. But yes... That is it. I'm not- You are a fuck buddy. If you expect me to sit here and talk, you are slightly insane." I spit angrily. The whole point of this was a no feelings relationship. A simple fuck. And now he wants to talk. And talk about what?

"Well... You are just a fuck too. That is it. And I don't want to talk. I'm just- Yeah. Good fuck. Thanks for all the sex. It was great." He says as he climbs out of the bed. I think there was some sarcasm. I'm not really sure. Sex does things to your brain.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I ask with a laugh as I look at him. I always throw my hands up when I am emphasizing. And at the moment, I am. He looks at me as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"Nothing. I have no problem." Derek tells me as he grabs his clothes and starts putting them in his bag. "Why would you think I have a problem?"

"You are acting weird." I tell him as I roll my eyes. He is acting weird. He is acting like something is off. All we are doing is going along as planned. Fuck and leave. No feelings.

"I'm not acting weird. Any weirdness you are sensing is your own." Derek tells me as he grabs his toiletry bag and walks past. I watch as he walks by so coldly. He is mad at me. Or at least I get the sense that he is mad at me.

"Whatever..." I say as I watch him go to the bathroom. I don't have time to jump into a boy's brain at the moment. I am tired. I am sleep fucked. I am achy from the romp we just had. I really don't care about it. I don't care. He was a fuck and if he is going to be a prick then let him be a prick.

I quickly walk into my room and lay down under the soft covers. It feels good. I need the rest and the cold sheets against my skin feels heavenly. I just need to drift off into a nice sleep zone and forget all about this whole fucked up mess. I'm not really sure why I did this at all. Oh yes, the sex. The amazing sex that I had several times a day. That is why I did it. You don't just pick up amazing sex anywhere. And Derek is that great. The guy has mad skills.

"Mer..." I hear him say softly as he walks into my room. I have to laugh. Why exactly is he in here? I groan loudly as I roll over. I was just falling asleep. It was that moment when you feel so great, drifting off. And of course Derek Shepherd had to come in here and ruin it all

"Hmm?" I ask as I open my eyes and look up into his blue ones. I try not to smile but it is almost inpossible not to. He is there, and I have to say he is adorable.

"It was good. Really good. Thanks... Thanks for the sex." He tells me with a smile as he looks at me. I roll my eyes and giggle. What do you say to that? Thanks for the sex. Well, it was free. And enjoyable.

"Yeah... It was good. And... Yep, thanks and all that. I guess I will see you... In another lifetime?" I laugh as I look at him. It's not as if he is around the corner.

"Something like that..." He laughs as he stands straight and walks away. As I watch him shut my door, I am more confused than ever. What the hell did that mean? I guess it means I won't see him again. Not that I planned to. It was good while it lasted. Hell yes it was good. So good...


	17. Go For It

Getting back to life was a hard thing. I don't miss Derek. I miss parts of Derek. I feel a huge void in my life. Mainly between my legs where his cock once laid. He had skills and a laid out plan. He knew how to play the game, and he knew how to play it well. I still don't know anything about him, and I don't want to. He needs to remain a mystery. He was just a simple fuck. The one thing I do know, the boy had skills. Mad skills.

Now, as I have said before, I am not a whore. I'm not even close to a whore. I mean, I think about sex all day. All day everyday. Everything can be related to sex, and unfortunately, my porny ass mind sees them all. So here I am, having the need, but unable to fulfill it. I'm not a huge fan of going out. I like to stay home and try to study. I know if I am going to get anywhere, I need to do it.

I'm really not sure if Derek is ever going to return. I don't ask about him. I don't want to give anyone the false sense that I actually give a shit. There are things you care about, and things you don't. My main concern in life was getting a good fuck from Derek. Now, when he was here, I cared about him. I didn't want to see that gorgeous manhood maimed or injured in anyway. But now, I couldn't care less if I tried. I only wish one thing... I wish I was getting more action than he is.

I need to find a replacement. I need to find someone to fill this void that I have. I need someone to satisfy my never ending sexual need. It's a shame that I don't have that. See, the thing is, Derek was great. To find someone to do what he had done will be really hard. He has some huge shoes to fill, and I have a feeling no one else has feet that large.

"Hey sweetie..." My friend Izzie says as she walks up to our lunch table. She is always happy. And me, I guess you could say I am a tad bit grumpy. I wouldn't say so, but I have heard it before. I guess I am condescending. Very condescending.

"Hey." I grumble as I lean back in the booth and watch as she sits down. I shake my head and looked at this happy person in front of me. She acts so innocent. I think she even tries to act innocent to me. I think she is a closet vixen. She is engaged, but I know she looks. I even think she has taken a taste or two. Either way, I have to laugh. Little miss perfect may not be so perfect. At least I don't lie about shit like that.

"You don't look happy." She points out with a frown. "I mean more so than usual." She points out with a chuckle. "What's going on?"

"Nothing... I'm fine." I tell her as I sip the soda that our waiter has brought to me. I rarely drink soda, but today is a soda day.

"Oh yes... You are so fine. Seriously, what is going on?" She asks again as she sips her own soda.

"Nothing... I'm just thinking I need to go out looking." I tell her with a nod. I need sex. I need it really bad and I'm not afraid to admit it.

"Out looking... Oh! For a guy. Yeah, you need to find someone. You really do need someone." She tells me as she looks over the menu. As I listen to her, I wonder if she even knows me. I don't need someone. I am not that girl that needs someone. I'm not sure what the hell she is thinking.

"I don't need someone." I tell her frankly. I am fighting the urge to reach up and smack her upside the head. Need someone. No one needs someone. If you need someone, then you need to reach down inside of yourself and do some serious thinking.

"You just said..." She tells me as she drops the menu and looks across the table at me. I hate her blonde hair. I kind of want to pull it our of her head a strand at a time right now. But then again, she is my friend. And I am being very rotten to her at the moment.

"I said I needed to look. For a fuck." I grumble loudly. "Not a relationship. I don't want that shit. I just want screaming orgasms and one night stands. Well, not one night. One guy. Sex. And that is it. No strings. No emotions. No attachment." I explain with a smile. It is such a great plan.

"No... Huh uh... You can't have that. It's not possible. No matter what, it either blows up, or feelings come about. Either way, you screw yourself in the end. It is a bad idea." Izzie tells me with a frown. I don't like that. Like she knows anything. This isn't even her realm. She is engaged.

"Bullshit." I say as I roll my eyes. "People can have fuck buddies with no problems. I can have a fuck buddy with no problems. LIke you would know. You're going to be a married old hag anyway." I tell her nastily. See, I even turn on my own people.

"I am not. And you- Maybe for you it would work. You lack normal human emotion. You don't have those feelings. But maybe if you tried, you could. Maybe you could love and all of that. You just need the right guy. And you aren't going to find that when you have a random screw and then run off before something has a chance to happen." She tells me with a smile.

The waiter walks up and takes our order. I want to hit her. Or possibly get up. She has no idea what I need. I know what I need. She needs to stick to her own mess of a life. At the same time, I know I am bringing this upon myself. I know that I was the one that started it. But that is me. I like to talk about it while I do. The minute I raise my hand, all discussion should cease and we shall move on to the next thing I want to talk about.

"Look... I am in it for the orgasm. I don't want him to gaze lovingly into my eyes and all that shit. I want the fuck." I growl as I tap my foot on the floor. "So that I what I am looking for. Do you know anyone?" I ask with a grin.

She looks at me and shakes her head. She is judging. I hate that. Like I have room to talk. I am judgy. And I mean really judgy. I look at everyone. Body, clothes, face. Ugly, fat, skinny, gorgeous. I look. I think about everything. I see someone walking, and I am judging. I see a couple, and I am judging. Everything you say and do I am thinking and running through my series of filters. I start out with my gambit. I always win.

"Eh... Did anything I say get into that head of yours?" She asks, looking at me in shame. "Okay... Here is the thing, Mer... I am older than you. I have been around. And I know that sex... Sex is love. Whether you want to admit it or not, you are sharing your body with someone. And yes, it may be load of fun, but things change. And every time you do it, it changes. You can't look into someone's eyes and not start to feel something. Sex is love, and you are a fool. We are talking about someone sticking their most sacred possession inside of you. You share divinity. I mean... There is no way you don't gain feelings. Sex is love, whether you chose to admit it or not." She tells me as she shakes her head. Apparently she thinks she is right.

"Whatever. So you are saying I could go snag a guy from the bar, take him home and fuck his brains out, and have feelings? Because if that is true... We have problems. There are an awful lot of people in love with each other." I chaff as I shake my head and look at her.

"No, Meredith... That is not what I mean, and you know it. I am saying a fuck buddy, okay?" She growls as she looks at me. The waiter comes back with our burgers and fries. He looks down at us like we are nuts. I think he just wants to run.

"Do you need anything else?" He asks as he sets our plates down and smiles.

"Yes, actually." I tell him as I look up. I can't believe I am going to ask this. Then again, I don't know this guy, so what is the difference. He looks at me, waiting for a request for napkins, a straw or possibly a new fork. "Can someone have casual sex with someone and never get feelings for that person?" I ask smartly. Izzie looks at me with wide-eyes. I think she is shocked that I asked.

"Um..." He starts as he looks at me. I'm sure when he woke up this morning and put his black pants and his polo shirt on that he never thought he would be getting asked this question. Only some freak would ask that.

"I say yes..." I tell him with a nod. "Say yes!" I tell him again, waiting for his response.

"Uh... Yes." He tells me with a smile. I shake my head and look at him. He was no so much help.

"Don't say yes. Say what you really think." Izzie tells him with a smile. Of course this damn blonde with her smile is going to do what she always does. Convince him with her looks. I give him a warning glare. He is so screwed.

"I think that a guy and girl can have casual sex if the girl is up to it." He says with a smile as he high-tails it the hell out. I am sure he will never return to us.

"See." I tell her with a winning smile. I was right. Okay, maybe the opinion of one person doesn't make you right, but it is good enough for me. He agreed with me. "It is possible, Iz... You are just.. Way too sensitive."

"Whatever, Mer. Sometimes I think you are like talking to a wall. You do what you want anyway. I mean... This will come back to bite you. And I don't want to hear about it." She warns me as she takes a bit of her sandwich. "What am I saying? I will be here and I will listen to your pain."

"Bullshit." I grumble as I roll my eyes. "So, you never did answer my question." I tell her with a smile as I take a bit of my own bacon cheeseburger. This is health food of the best kind. The kind that will kill you quickly. The best kind there is.

"What question is that?" Izzie asks as she dips her fry into ketchup and takes a bite. I look at her and roll my eyes. Maybe I shouldn't be asking again. I am just egging her on.

"Do you know anyone?" I question with a smile. I need someone. A nice piece of ass.

"For a random fuck? No. I do not know anyone, Meredith Grey. I am not supporting your little game." Izzie said with a roll of her eyes. Oh she is such the pain in the ass.

"Why... I mean, I am the one that will supposedly get hurt, not you. You have nothing to lose. Come on, Iz..." I whine as I look at her. "Let me make that decision. And the fuck."

"You are incorrigible. Meredith. I mean... Eh. I know one guy right now. Kevin... And he is not your type. He wants it all." Izzie tells me with a smile as she looks at me.

"Eh... That will never work." I agree with a frown. "I don't want that crap."

"He would be perfect for you. I mean, if you wanted a relationship, this guy would be perfect. He wants the kids and the marriage. All of it." She tells me with a nod. "Maybe you should meet him. Maybe he would help you along."

"Okay... That whole wanting a guy... Never mind. I don't really want your help now. Actually... I think I'm good. I can uh... Satisfy my own needs." I tell her with a big nod.

"Why are you so afraid of commitment?" She asks in shock. I shake my head. I'm not answering that. "I think you should meet him..."

"Eh... No, that's fine." I tell her as I shove my face full of food. Back to the vibrator for me.

--

I don't think about him. Well, not all day. I think about his parts. I think about that cock. I love that cock. It was a good cock. So at night, when I am all alone and horny, Derek crosses my mind. I immediately push it out when I start to think about what he is doing at home. I can't imagine some other girl getting what should be mine. He is so good, he should only be pleasing me. I throw another pile of manure in the wheelbarrow and wonder exactly why I have horses. They are too much time and money, neither of which I have.

"Hello..." Izzie says loudly as she walks into the front of the barn. Now I get to hear another sex vs. love spiel. I can't wait for her to tell me what I should be doing with my life and what I have been doing wrong all of these years.

"Hey, Iz." I mutter as I look up. Izzie always has that annoying smile on her face. Sometimes I think I just want to punch her in the face. Or maybe trip her. Or possibly dump something on her. I just want her to know that life isn't perfect. No one can be that damn happy all of the time.

"How are you, sweetie?" She asked as she stands in the line of fire. Perfect. This is way too perfect. She is right there. I am the best shot in the tri-county area. My friends always said if there was a shit pitching event at the olympics, I would win the gold. Well, at this moment, I am going to purposely bomb.

"Wonderful." I groan as I throw it hard. Too hard. Actually, just perfect. I fight a giggle as I watch the manure hit her right in the front. It was great. Just too good. That smile was now gone. Perfection.

"Oh... You hit me!" She says with a smile as she looks down. How can she not be mad? She is smiling. The smile had returned and I think she is happier than she was before, if that is at all possible.

"Sorry." I lie as I look at her. Here is the thing, I am rarely sorry. Unless it was a total accident, I'm not sorry. If I say something to you, I mean it. If I do something that I normally wouldn't do, I mean it. I am rarely sorry. It is a plot to get what I want. Or at least to take blame off of myself.

"Oh, that's okay, honey. No big deal. These are my barn clothes anyhow." She says with a smile as she shakes her shirt off and lets the manure and urine soaked sawdust fly off into the wheelbarrow.

"Oh... Well, your horse is out back." I tell her with a nod. At this moment, I just want to get rid of her. At this moment, I just want to run away from his sunshine and hid in my dark closet. At this moment, my eyes are burning from the shine coming off of her.

"Oh... Actually, I came here for you. And I- I brought someone." She says with a grin. Imagine that, she is still smiling. Except this time, I can see every damn tooth in her mouth. "And here he is."

He. Okay. I swear she just said here he is. What the fuck does that mean? Here he is. Oh my god. She is setting me up. This is freaking great. Knowing Izzie, this guy goes to church and doesn't believe until having sex until after you are married. That is something I don't believe in. In fact, I really don't. I am all for the sampling. I want to have several tastes before I take that plunge. Or at least a few. At the very least, I want to take a taste of his Mr. Pepper before I get stuck with it for a lifetime. God knows, I would hate to get stuck for all eternity with a bad fuck.

"What do you mean, Iz? What the hell?" I snap as I look at her. Just as I look up, I see someone coming in the door. He looks good. His general silhouette isn't horrible. "What do you think you are doing?" I ask in a whispering growl.

"Mer... You need someone. And Kevin is great." Izzie said softly as he walked up. I want to kill her. She should die for thinking she can do this to me. "Kevin... This is Meredith. Meredith... This is Kevin." Izzie says as she introduces us.

"Hey." I say quickly as I stick out my hand. That seems like the stupidest ass thing I have ever done and I quickly chid myself for it. I do a quick once over. He is good looking. Dark hair. Clean. Casual. Nice light brown eyes and an honest smile. Maybe couple extra pounds but not bad at all.

"Nice to meet you, Meredith. Izzie has told me a lot about you." He says with a smile. And if this isn't uncomfortable, I don't know what is.

"Oh... Uh..." I mutter as I look at him. I know nothing about him. Nothing. But I am thinking this is the guy that wants it all. He is the family and marriage man. Oh joy.

"Izzie hasn't said anything." He says with a frown as he shoots her an evil glare. I look at him and then her. I'm not defending her stupid ass actions at the moment. Right now, I am just going to ignore her completely.

"No. Not a word." I tell him frankly. "Well, maybe she said something. A few days ago... A week maybe... If you are the guy that wants a serious relationship, yes... I think she did say something about you." I tell him with a nod. "And if that is the case, I am not interested. Not at all. I just want a good time. I am not ready for a serious relationship. I just want sex."

Izzie shakes her head in disgust. I think she wanted me to lie. I think she wanted me to go along with it all. I won't I am not doing something for someone else. No way. So there weall stand, looking at each other. Now I just want to know... Will he go for it?


	18. The Bar

As I stand in front of my mirror, I seriously wonder what I am doing. This is so stupid. This isn't me. I like to hang out at home and study. Maybe that is why I will make an excellent surgeon. I am perfectly happy having absolutely no social life. I could easily sit home every night with my laptop, my books and possibly some ice cream. But no, I have agree to go out. And why, no idea.

"Hello?" I ask as I answer my cellphone. It is Izzie. She is becoming quite annoying to me, but I have learned to deal with it. I am just sitting around waiting for the day when she gets crazy. Someday her happy smile will fade and she will snap into insanity.

"Hey, Mer... So I was thinking I will just pick you up. How does that sound?" Izzie asks with a giggle as she drives. I can hear the radio and the traffic in the background. She is on her way. Yay me.

"That's fine, Iz." I say quickly as I run the brush through my hair. This was a bad idea. Bad idea. I repeat, bad idea. I just shouldn't be going out. I should be studying. I should be doing something other than this. "When are you going to be here?"

"I should be there in about ten minutes." Izzie tells me quickly. I wonder if it is too late to back out. Oh well, I will just get this shit done and come home to my favorite chair and a warm blanket.

"Okay, Iz." I tell her with a frown. Okay, I fucked that up. "I guess I will see you in a few." I tell her with a sigh. I guess there isn't anything wrong with trying to have fun. But then again, I am not the fun loving type. I'm just me. That is all I know. Meredith Grey.

I look at myself in the mirror. I look okay. I don't really look at myself. I'm a bit beyond that. I am so much happier sinking into the background never to be noticed again. I am not that girl standing in the spotlight. I would rather hide behind someone in a crowd. So right now, I am out of my element, but I am forcing myself to deal with it. I look at my black boots coupled with my dark jeans. I look good. I think I might actually look pretty okay.

Oh yes... I almost forgot... I don't think Kevin is into the whole fuck and leave thing. And I'm actually okay with that. I mean some guys want commitment and some guys don't. Most girls want more than a roll around all night, sweaty fuck-fest. We both want different things, and I am not planning on changing my ways. I don't think he is. Hence, I am on my own.

"Hey..." I say as I open the passenger door of Izzie's car. I just want to stay home. Stay home... "So what exactly are we doing?"

"Oh... You know, the regular Friday night going out stuff." She tells me with a grin as she backs out of my driveway. Oh. How fucking great. Just you know, throwing Meredith into a crowd of people and asking her to be okay. Really freaking awesome. I have reasons for being the way I am. And I am not happy.

"Where are we going?" I ask. I want to know everything. Izzie laughs at me. She knows that I want to know everything. That is just my way. I need to know what it going on so that I can be prepared.

"Oh... Delany's." Izzie says with a smile. Delany's is a bar that is about forty minutes away from my house. So now not only am I out of my element, but I am way away from my safety zone. I know this sounds insane, but that is me. I tend to be a nervous Nellie.

"Why are we going there? I mean... What am I going to do? I'm not going to drink in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. I will do something stupid and... Not to mention, I am not old enough... Eh! Why did I come?" I say loudly. Now not only am I frustrated with her, I am frustrated with myself.

"Oh, Mer... You need to freaking relax. You are acting totally crazy. You are so uptight. You just need to have a few drinks, do some relaxing. You will be fine." She says with a smile.

"You do realize that my mom and dad are both drunks, right? You know the chances are high... Damn it. I should not have come." I say again as I look at her. She laughs. Apparently she doesn't think that I am serious. I am. I get addicted so easily, it is kind of pathetic. Like when I was downing shot after shot of expresso and shaking like I was having crack withdraws.

"Eh... You will be fine. That doesn't mean anything. But you don't have to drink to have a good time. Just try to relax, sweetie. You will have such a good time. You won't believe it." She tells me with a firm nod. I just sit there in silence. Whatever. There is no convincing her.

As we pull up to the bar, I shake my head. Bars are for drinking, and if you aren't drinking, then what the hell do you do? You sit. You sit and look pathetic because everyone is looking at you. You pray for them to get blitzed so that you can laugh at them and forget that you are the idiot. But truly, they are. They are the ones falling all over themselves.

"Oh, yeah... Kevin is supposed to come tonight." Izzie tells me with a nod and a smile as she looks at me.

"I thought he wasn't interested." I tell her frankly. It seems to me that he wanted nothing to do with just sex. In fact, he seemed to brush me off. How many guys are going to brush you off when you tell them that you want straight up hardcore fucking. Apparently this dumbfuck.

"Oh... Well, I told him you were coming, and he said he definitely was." She tells me as she takes one last look in the mirror. Interesting...

I find this interesting. The man who wanted a family is now interested in a sexual and exclusively sexual relationship. I wonder why. I mean, any guy who isn't interested in pure sex has to have some kind of problem. And any guy who changes his life's plans and morals so easily also has to have a problem. And this man has changed something major. That is saying if he even plans on being there for me at all. This could all be coincidence.

"So... Why is he coming?" I ask as I look over at her. I would think that any guy would be going nuts at the opportunity for free sex. No strings attached, just unadulterated fucking.

"I just told him we were coming and he decided to come. I don't know. Chris is coming too." Izzie tells me with a nod. Big deal. Her fiance is coming. Shouldn't her fiance come anyway. Is there a reason why I should be either elated or questioning it? I don't think so.

"Oh... Good." I say with a shrug. This really is stupid. I am going to a bar. And not to drink. To hang out. Awesome.

"Oh... There's Chris's car." Izzie says happily, seeing that her fiance has already shown up. I am a third wheel. Oh how I love that. "I bet Kevin came along with him."

"Oh." I breathe as we walk into the dark bar. It's huge. It is a gigantic bar. They have pool tables and darts. Both of which are dangerous things. Not to me. To anyone in the room while I play them. I wish I could, but I don't have the skills to do it.

I look up and immediately see Chris and Kevin. Kevin looks at the door and up at me. There is a moment. For me, it is a what the fuck is up with you, assface, moment. I wonder what he is up to. I do not trust men. I do not get close to men. They are assholes and bastards. They are nothing good. They only have one good quality and that is their ability to give me a good screw. As to conversing or having a relationship, I will not waste my time. Makes me sick.

"Hey..." I say as I look up at the two guys. Kevin isn't bad looking, but Chris, Ick to me. He makes me ick. I don't like him. Not one bite. Kind of like a tall skinny hippy porn star. Either way, I a sure he is not big. Tiny cock. I said he looks like a porn star, he is not porn star material.

"Hey there... How are you?" Chris asked as he looked at me. He is a loser. Grade-A loser deluxe. Lazy fuck.

"I'm good." I say with a nod as I grab a coke. Yes, a coke. I'm not going to drink tonight. Drinking causes problems. Big problems. Huge problems. I don't plan on talking to anyone. I don't plan on doing anything but sitting in silence.

"Hey, Mer." Kevin says with a smile as I sit down. I don't want to talk to him. I want to ignore him. I don't want a guy who doesn't want me. That just pisses me off.

"Oh... Hey..." I say as if he is the last person in the world I want to speak to. He is. He really is the last person. Because he is an idiot. Stupid idiot. Dumb fuck. All that.

"So... How have you been?" He asks with a smile as he sips his beer. Like he cares. Like I care.

"Good... Really good. I mean, you just saw me. I'm the same as then. It hasn't been that long." I snap. I shouldn't have snapped. Damn me for snapping. It was mean and unnecessary.

"I was just being nice." Kevin says with a chuckle. Now I think that bastard is laughing at me. Laughing. That is not really too smart. And that is why I am taking my non-alcoholic soda beverage and turning away from his ass. "So now you aren't going to talk to me?" He asks as he looks at me.

"Yep. And you know what, I think there is a girl right over there... One that wants a committed relationship. If you are lucky, maybe she will even pop some kids out for you. So uh... Why don't you go. There. Now." I tell him as I ignore him and refuse to look.

"Oh... So that is what this is about." Kevin chuckles as he stares at me. I don't see him, but I know he is. I know he is there, looking. Staring.

"No... Nope. I'm just saying. Fuck." I tell him as I look over. "I don't care. Really. I mean you were honest with me. And for a guy... Yeah, that is amazing. So thanks. I have no reason to be mad. See, I am thanking you for this." I tell him as I take an ice cube in my mouth. Yep... Spitting that out. Could be moldy. That seems to happen a lot in our area. Dirty ice.

"Oh... I see." He tells me with a smile. "So... Would you like to play darts?"

"Would you like to lose your eye?" I ask him with a smile as I look over. Or in his ass. Right in the middle. Why am I mad? No idea. Just angry. Angry.

"Of course I would love to lose my eye. Or you could let me teach you..." He suggests as he looks over at the dartboard.

"I never said I couldn't play... I said I would get you in the eye." I tell him with a smile. This will be fun. Especially when I do get him in the eye. Hehehe.

"So you are saying you know how to play? An you are purposely going to hit me in the eye?" Kevin asked in shock. I think he may be offended. Stupid bastard. He should be. I tend to hang on the sadist end of the scale.

"Well, I guess that depends." I tell him with a laugh as I look at him. He pulls himself off of the stool and rushes over to the dart board before someone else can jump on it.

"What does it depend on?" Kevin asks as he hands me my darts. I think he doesn't believe me. He should believe me. He should. I can be mean. Mean mean. And I just may throw a dart at him.

"If you piss me off." I tell him frankly as I walk to the table and grab my coke. If he is going to be this annoying, I think I may need a rum and coke. The sad thing is, he's not even being annoying, he is just being a normal person.

"Oh, I see. I have to admit, I kind of want to see what happens if I piss you off." Kevin tells me smartly as he looked into my eyes. "It could be fun."

"Yeah. So fun that we could rush to Vegas and get married." I joke as I look at him. I mean seriously, this guy wants commitment. Who the hell wants that?

"You are not funny. You should be bowing to me or something. I mean... I am a good guy." He tells me frankly.

"And you are so much closer to a dart in your eye. Bowing to you... Seriously? I think not. I don't bow. I tell you what I do do... You know what, never mind. Throw your damn darts." I tell him as I point. I am not telling him what I do well.

"Fine, I will. But me... Good guy." He says with a nod as he throws the dart. Damn. This freaking guy is good. Or course he is good. Of course.

"Yep. Okay then." I tell him as I roll my eyes. He nods at me to take my shot. I quickly toss it and have to stop myself from jumping for joy when it actually hits the board. I don't need to hit the center, I just need to hit it period.

"Wow... You hit the board. I am impressed." He jokes as he looks at the board. I smile. I hit the board and I don't care. He can't take that away from me. I quickly toss the second dart and it hits the wall and falls to the floor. "Now that was a good one. Yep, typical from a chick." He jokes, knowing he is getting me going. He bends down and picks up the dart from the floor. Perfect. Way too perfect. In the heat of the moment, I toss the dart and hit him square in his right ass cheek. Perfect shot. Not sure how. So perfect. "What the hell!" He shouts as he looks at me.

"I told you. You better be nice to me. I can be a lot meaner that that." I say with a laugh as I watch his pull the dart from his ass. That was just too fun. Way too fun. And the crazy thing about it, this guy isn't even mad.

"After that... There is not a doubt in my mind!" He laughs as he steps back and takes his throw.

The night went on. I never thought I could have this much fun playing darts. Kevin is a nice guy. He is honest. I like honest. It is nice to talk to someone that can keep up with me. Not to mention, he doesn't judge my evil thoughts. He just ignores and moves on. As I move through my umpteenth soda, I see Izzie and Chris at the bar. Izzie is plastered, and Chris isn't much better. Looks like it is time to go.

"They are wasted. I think it's time..." I say as I look at her and then at him.

"Damn... Didn't take them long!" He points out as he looks over. "Well, I think... Shit. I guess I can take his car if you want to take hers." He tells me quickly. I agree. See, this is the bullshit I hate. Now I have to go home with this dumb asses. And I'm sure they will say all kinds of stupid ass shit.

Izzie and Chris were actually very easy to get in the car. They were both so blitzed the were more than willing to come along so they could go to their bed. I follow behind Kevin in Izzie's car. I guess I will stay at her house tonight, there is no way for me to get home.

"Wow..." Kevin says as he watches the two of them stumble to their room, leaving us behind. "They were fucked up... And you, you didn't even have a drink."

"Nope. Why, so that I can end up like that?" I ask as I shake my head in disgust and plop myself down on the sofa. I feel the sofa move as he sits next to me. "So..."

"So..." Kevin mutters as he looks at me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This is bad. he is looking at me. And me... I am me. And me likes sex. And I think I want sex. I feel myself heating up as I look at him. It's not necessarily him. It's the need. The need for sex. The need to do it. I need to prove that Derek wasn't that great. I need to prove that he was just a fuck, and this guy is just a fuck.

"Oh god!" I say as he leans towards me. "No kissing..." I groan as I start to shimmy out of my pants. "Just fucking."

"Just fucking..." He agrees as he pulls his shirt over his head. He is stout compared to Derek. Not fat, not skinny. He is somewhere in the middle. I feel him start to unbutton my top as he lays over me.

"Condom..." I groan as he pecks kisses on my chest. He is sloppy. He is a sloppy kisser. It's kind of like he is kissing a cow.

"Condom." He agrees with a nod as he pulls it out of his wallet. Smaller than Derek's. He has a regular sized condom, not an full OB sleeve like Derek has to roll onto his manhood. "Condom on..." He tells me as he rolls it onto his hard cock.

"Yeah..." I say as I close my eyes and wait for it. "Oh god, just do it!" I tell him as I spread my legs and lay on my back. "Do it." I tell him as I grab his back. "Oh..." I moan as he slides himself in. He's no Derek, but he is definitely infiltrating my space with something above average.

"Oh god... You are tight. Holy fuck." He says as he slides himself in and out.

I lay there with my head back. This is wrong. This is so wrong. I am on my back like a whore. I feel somewhat like a whore. It's not the act. It's that this guy had morals. He had hopes and dreams and here I am, screwing them up. I'm sure I will fog up his mind with this situation we have ourselves in.

"Oh god... You feel good." He moans as he picks up his pace, feeling himself near the edge. I hit my own climax in silence. I let out tiny moans and pants. I don't feel right about crying out on my friend's sofa with a guy that wants a wife and kids. "So fucking good... Fuck!" He tells me loudly. I feel myself contracting as I lay there with my eyes closed. I feel Kevin his his mark as he moans and spews inaudible sounds into my chest. "Damn..." He says as he lays there breathlessly. "Did you?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I did." I tell him with a nod. It wasn't bad. It wasn't horrible. It just didn't feel right. I hope I didn't mislead him.

**I KNOW...**


	19. Thanks Anyway

I don't open my eyes. I don't have to. I know I screwed up. See, that whole free love, let's have sex and be fuck buddies thing, that is not me. Not at all. In fact, I am a conservative girl. I like to know the guys I am going to screw. I knew Kevin somewhat, but that didn't make it any better. And Derek, I didn't know him at all. Sure I had spent some time with him in the summer, but I did not know him. For some reason I was drawn to the boy. I'm not sure if I will ever know why.

As I said, I am not opening my eyes. I can't. I am afraid that I will really see what went down last night. I know what went down. But I have to say, I am a smart girl. Always use the glove and I am on birth control. And if I told you the number of guys I have slept with, well you may just die laughing. I have been telling you throughout this whole journey that I am not a whore. I was not kidding.

Finally I do it. I open my eyes. I know I have clothes on because never once in my life have I fucked and laid naked. I can get naked during sex, but there is that time after. It's when you come down from your high and you look. You forget about the amazing sex, and start to judge the person next to you. You know they say everyone looks a little hotter after a few beers, well, I don't want Kevin to think that. As I open my eyes I see the used condom on the floor. I mean seriously, that is disgusting. Why the hell would you leave a used condom on the floor? I hope he was just drunk, and not really a slob.

Oh fuck. He is looking at me. Of course I had to look over there. Of course. Mer, sometimes I think you really are the biggest idiot in the world. I mean, seriously. You just looked over and now your eyes are stuck and you are in that awkward moment. The moment of yes, we fucked last night, now what does this mean? Well, I can tell you what this means. Shit. It means nothing.

"Morning." Kevin says with a smile as he looks at me. Great, now he is talking to me. Great. So much for escaping.

"Morning." I mumble as I pull myself up. Damn. Why did I share my body last night? The sad thing is, I wasn't even drunk. That was all Meredith last night. That was Meredith being a big whore and dumb ass. I have to escape. Pee. I must pee. My escape.

Okay, Izzie isn't the cleanest person in the world. I thank god that I am not hung over. If I was hung over, I would be fucked. This is not the toilet that I would want to be hung over. I squat because frankly, I would rather pee out in the yard like a dog. That would be good. Peeing in the yard like an animal would be better than hanging out on this disease ridden toilet.

Okay, I am avoiding. I sure as hell do not want to go back out there. I do not want to look at him as I drink my coffee. I don't want to have to confront him about last night. I don't want us to have conversation about the future. There is no future. For us, there is going to be nothing. I mean, last night was a huge mistake. And right now if I could escape out this tiny bathroom window, I would. And I would gladly walk down the road and two towns over where I live.

"I have to pee!" I hear Izzie whine from the other side of the door. At this moment, I would like to beat her ass. At this moment, I want to tell the whiny bitch to shut up. She is fucking up my game and I don't take lightly to that. "Come on!" She pouts as she bangs on the door. Damn her and her one bathroom house. Who's bright idea was that anyhow?

"Fine..." I growl as I wash my hands and open the door. In this moment, I don't like her. Not one bit. I look at her as she rushes in. I just want out of here. "When can you take me home?" I ask frankly.

"As soon as my head stops pounding." She says as she sits on the toilet. Yeah, it's her toilet. I guess her own thrown isn't as repugnant to her as it is to me. I would rather pee in the yard, and I think we went over that already.

"Well... Take some aspirin or something." I tell her as I walk off. There is only one place to go, and I don't want to go back out there. No way. I look in their bedroom and see Chris in bed. He had his hands in his pants and he is hard. Nice... Real nice. Nice if you want to spew all over yourself. I don't, so I quickly turn away.

"Coffee?" Kevin asks as I walk in. Great. Here is that sick thought I had of use looking over the table at each other while drinking coffee. Fantasy is becoming reality and it is a sick one at that.

"Uh, sure." I say with a nod as he pours it into a cup. God, why can't it be disposable? I am hoping it is clean. With the dark liquid in it, there is no telling now. What is the worst that could happen? Well, I could obtain some necrotic flesh eating disease where my fresh will digest itself. That could happen. Or at least I think it could.

"It's clean." He says with a nod as he hands it to me. "I washed them both before I poured. Looking around here, I don't think we can be too safe." He says with a chuckle. I start laughing myself. We share that thought.

"How do you know I am not a slob?" I ask with a chuckle as I accept the cup and take a sip. "And how do you know the coffee maker is clean?"

"Well, I can tell you aren't a slob by looking at you. You reek of clean freak. I saw the way you looked at the darts when I handed them to you last night. And the coffee maker, I was just banking on the heat factor. I was hoping it got hot enough to kill the germs." He says with a smile. Now I am certain that that condom wasn't ours. Gross. Shit, we are freaks. We are both clean freaks. How funny I guess he isn't that bad.

"Morning guys." Izzie says with a smile as she holds her head with her hand. "Kev, you made coffee... Thanks." She moans as she picks up a cup and pours herself one.

"Not a problem." Kevin says as he sits down at the table. It's a mess, he moves stacks of papers out of the way to make room for his mug. Izzie is gross. She needs to get her ass together and fix shit. No one should live this way. It is disgusting. He raises with brows at me as he watches me push some things out of the way.

"How did you sleep, Mer?" Izzie asks as she looked over at me. "We were so fucked up, I don't even remember coming home. Did you at least get a blanket and pillow?"

I remain silent. Damn. Is this going to come out? I have no idea. I hate this. Kevin and I didn't even have a chance to discuss it. But quite honestly, I am Meredith, and Meredith is an avoider. I probably wouldn't have discussed it. But now we are in that awkward phase where it is going to be said and it will all come to the top.

"Uh... I slept on the floor." I say frankly. That dirty floor. The one that I am sure you haven't vacuumed in a coon's age. And seriously, what does a coon's age mean? Do they live to get old? I'm assuming so, being as that means a very long time. Someday I will have to remember to look that up. I want to know what that means. Either way, it means her floor is fucking nasty.

"The floor! Kevin, you bastard! You let a girl sleep on the floor, and you slept on the sofa?" Izzie asked loudly as she looked at him. "You are horrible."

"It- It- It wasn't like that." Kevin stammers as he looked at her. I have a feeling Kevin isn't the type of guy that stammers. By the way Izzie is looking at him, it is like he is acting completely off the wall. "It was-"

"God, Kev... What is going on?" She asks in shock. She looks between us both. It seems that we are exuding sex. Oh my... I bet we smell of sex. I hope we don't smell of sex. What if we smell like sex? She looks back and forth. It's going down, Captain. We can't holding it any longer, it is going to blow. And not in a good way. "Oh my god... You guys.. No! You guys had sex..." She gasps as she looks between us. And there it is. We have been caught.

"Uh." Kevin says. This is great. He wasn't even able to respond in a timely matter. He didn't say no. he should have lied. When in doubt, lie your ass off.

"You guys so did. Oh man... I can't believe this." She says as she shakes her head. I think she may hate me. She said Kevin wanted a happy healthy relationship and I'm sure she thinks I brought him into my own fucked up world. This is great. Freaking great. "So have you talked?" She asks as she looks at us.

"Eh." I mutter. I don't talk. I avoid. I pretend it didn't happen. Meredith Grey doesn't talk. She remains silent.

"Yeah... This is typical. Of course you haven't. See, Mer she- She likes to pretend that nothing happened. She likes to avoid any problems. So yeah... She won't. So if you want to, you need to." Izzie says with a nod.

"So, Iz... I will be needing to get home soon. Do you think you will be ready?" I ask sadly as I look at her. Why is she doing this to me? It is so sad. It is cruel. She needs to make me feel like shit and throw my on the spot, I think.

"Well, my head hurts... Maybe... Hey, Kevin you are heading that way, would you take her home?" Izzie asks with a smile. The bitch is setting me up. She is putting me into a hell and that is not fair. She is being cruel for no good reason at al.

"Fuck you, Izzie." I tell her as I stand up from her mess of a table and walk into the living room. I hate her at this moment. She is putting me in an awkward position. She is thinking she can pressure me into something. That is just bullshit.

"I'll take you home." Kevin says with a smile as he walks in and sits down next to me. Great. Now he is sitting next to me. I hope he doesn't think things. Hell, what am I thinking? He is a boy. Boys don't think. Never. "It doesn't have to be weird. And we don't have to talk. But I know you want out of here." He says with a nod and a smile as he stands up. "Finish your coffee."

"Okay.. I guess." I tell him with a nod as I sip my coffee. I look around Izzie's wreck of a house. It is reminiscent of her life and of her mind. She is a scatter brain. She just needs to chill and clean up her life.

As I sit there, I think about all of this. This is bad. It's horrible. There is nothing I hate more than when someone tries to butt into your shit and improve your life. If my life needs improvement, I will improve it. I'm not an idiot. I know how to live my life. I don't need you telling me this and that. Helpful pointers are great when I ask for them. But I don't need my friends pushing me in a direction they know is not suitable for me. And that is what Izzie is doing.

"Are you ready?" Kevin asks as he looks at me. I have been done with my coffee. I am avoiding. I guess it doesn't matter, I am stuck here. And now I have to move. Now I have to face the music. Or silence. Hopefully silence.

"Yeah... I'm ready." I tell him as I stand up. This is great. So great. I had a sex mistake with this man, and now I have to go a good thirty to forty miles in the passenger seat of his truck. Really awesome. I can only say one thing, Izzie is a real bitch. "Bye, Iz." I mutter as I set my cup in her sink. I should have said bye, bitch. That is what I should have said. And I shouldn't have bothered putting my cup in the sink, I'm sure it will be there next time I come over. I should have just tossed it on the floor.

"Bye, Mer." Izzie says with a smile. Once again, I would love to smack that smile so far off of her face. I would love to see it fly through the air and hit the side of a building. If smiles could fly, that is what I would do. "I had a good time last night."

"Oh yes..." I mutter under my breath as I walk out. I bet she did have a good time getting plowed. My, I had a good time making a fool of myself. Such a good time. Thanks, self. Thank you oh so much.

I climb into his truck. It's clean. I like that. Now my Jeep, it has about an inch and a half of dirt on the floor. My seats are covered in hair and dirt and you care lucky if you can find a place to keep your feet through the mess. I like clean. I love clean. Alas, I do not clean. I hate to clean. I am a bit of a clean freak. I guess you could say I'm a bit mysophobic. My in my car, that is a different game. That is a different game completely.

"It doesn't have to be weird." Kevin finally says as he looked over at me. I know he is looking at me, but I need to not look at him. Looking at him could be bad. So bad.

"Uh... It's not weird." I lie as I look out the window. It is so weird. I mean, I was not drunk last night. I had no alcohol. And I slept with a guy. I can close my eyes right now... Hell, I don't even need to close my eyes, and I can feel his penis. So yeah, awkward, you could say that.

"It is... If it wasn't, you would be looking at me. You won't even turn your head in my direction." He says frankly. I wonder if he does this often. I wonder if he fucks girls all of the time. I have no idea. I really don't even want to think about that.

"I am not avoiding." I snap as I turn my head and look at him. Damn. Now I am sick. Now I am looking in his eyes. Damn me. Damn. Damn. Now it is beyond weird. Now I have that whole complex going on. I know he is looking at me. I am sure that he is judging me.

"Oh... There are those beautiful green eyes." He says with a smile as he looks into my eyes. He is at a stoplight. He is sitting there and it is green. All of the sudden, we hear a loud beep behind us. Thank you. I was just saved my a total stranger. "Shit." Kevin says as he goes forward.

I think it is easy to connect to anyone. I am the type of person who gets attached. If I talk to someone for awhile, generally I grow to love or hate them. A lot of times I will get attached to someone I like. It is easy to depend on people and crave the companionship and human connection. I am finding this more and more. It happened with Derek. After a week with him, I was feeling that I needed to see him. And now it was happening with Kevin.

"I had a good time." He tells me as he drives. I have to giggle. I mean seriously, how can I not chuckle. That was the funniest thing I have ever heard. He had a good time. I wonder why? "Why are you laughing?" He asks as he looks over. This drive is talking way too long. Way too long for me. I can't go on in this uncomfortable position.

"I'm not... I'm not laughing..." I giggle as I turn away. "Really, I am not!" I say as I continue.

"You are... And that giggle is adorable. It is very infectious." Kevin tells me with a nod. "Come on... If I caused this giggle, I want to know about it."

"I just... Okay, you say you had a good time. That is funny. That is really freaking funny. You are a man. Of course a man is going to say he had a good time. Guys like sex. You and I had sex. It wasn't great sex. It was horrible sex. It was just sex. And because it wasn't bad sex, of course it was good to a man. You got your rocks off and you didn't even have to pay. Not that I am saying I am good enough for money... I would never consider fucking for money. Well, maybe is I got like tens of thousands... I mean who wouldn't then. But... Eh... I'm just saying... It is ludicrous for you to say you had a good time like you could have anything but." I tell him as I look over. He has a surprised look on his face.

"You are funny." He says with a smile as he drives down the road. It seems I am always funny. It seems that people see humor in me, even when I am being serious. It seems that I am laughable.

"Why am I funny?" I snap as I look at him. I don't like him saying that I am funny. I wonder what is going through his head. I guess he wants to make me mad. People like to do it, until they realize just how it goes down.

"You are funny because you think about everything. Have you ever thought about not analyzing. And of course you are the one that said you wanted just sex. Now last night, we had just sex, and you can't seem to deal. So I guess that is why you are funny. I mean, you make yourself sound like a whore, but you aren't. I get the feeling you don't hand out sex. Do you like it? I'm sure you do... Are you easy? No. You just don't want to commit. So yes, you are funny." He tells me with a nod. "And I did have a good time last night. The sex was good. It was not horrible, and it was much better that okay. But that wasn't why I had a good time. I liked you. You were fun and easygoing. So, yes, I did have a good time. And I would love to do it again." He says with a smile as he pulls down my street per my hand motions.

"No... You are- Eh.. Don't analyze me. I am the only one that is allowed to analyze." I growl as I look at him.

"I like you Mer... And seriously, I would like to go out again. I'll tell you what.. Here is my number. You let me know, although I am sure that you won't. So I guess this is it. But I think we could have made it somewhere." He tells me as he pulls in front of my house.

"Thanks for the ride." I tell him with a smile as I get out of his truck. I tuck his number in my jeans. In other words, it is gone forever.


	20. Milk Run

Okay... It's that time of year again. My best cousin Mark will be coming back. Once in the summer and once and Christmas. It seems that that time has rolled around. And once again, I am still the same. I'm beginning to think it is a little sad. Not really sad, really freaking pathetic. It actually is quite embarrassing. Meredith is the same. She is still going to school and doing the same things. Isn't life about growing and prospering? Well, not for me, I guess.

So, you have to be wondering about Kevin. Well, let me start by saying, Kevin was a great guy. I mean unbelievably great. He was that guy that was always nice. He was never rude. He never mad you feel like shit or talk down to you. He was just a good guy. And yes, something came of it. Something did. Was it good? Who the hell knows.

After Kevin pulled away from my house, I hid. I ran inside and laid on my sofa, chiding myself for being such a pathetic little whore. See, I am a lot of talk. Me having that whole little fuck buddy experience with Derek... Yeah that was way out of character. I am a horny little bitch, but I am not a whore and I don't spread my legs freely. So there I laid, feeling filthy, so filthy that I couldn't even force myself into the shower.

Well, my filthiness stayed for awhile. Not because of the sex. It was the emotional part. I mean, like I said, Kevin was great. He was freaking nice as hell and I let him stick it in my pussy. Now I wonder what he was thinking. I wonder what he is feeling. No, I guess I really don't have to wonder. He is a guy. He isn't thinking a damn thing except what pussy to jump to next. But then again, Kevin was different. Maybe he was in a pile crying himself to sleep at the new void that was me. I swear, if he had done that, I never would have done it again.

Yes, you heard me. I did say it. Damn me. Shame. I hide my head in shame. I may have done it again. And again. I really couldn't even tell you how many times I did do it. I did it countless times. We did it many times. And it was not bad. How bad is it that is was not bad? I'm sure you are thinking that is is pretty bad. Oh well, It was good. you can't lie about a good fuck.

So, now I have admitted that I just may have fucked Kevin again. Or several times. I did say several time. And it was several times. Now you have to wonder how it came about. Now that is interesting. I had absolutely no plans on ever letting that cock hit me again. I actually did wash his number in the washing machine just as I assumed I would. No, I never called him. He actually called me. Once. That damn bitch Izzie gave him my number. Imagine my surprise. She was lucky I didn't go cage fighter on her and feed her to a human eating horse. I should have. I so should have.

So Kevin called me once as asked me to go out with him. Just hanging out. Friends, you know. And I can honestly say, I don't think he just wanted a piece of ass. We just got along like that. And so it started as hanging out. Of course hanging out turned to sex. And you will never believe this, but sex turned into some kind of relationship. I won't say dating. I don't date. It was something else. Lots of sex and some conversation. He was a lot of fun to hang around with. And of course I formed that dreaded attachment to him.

So this relationship, it did not last. Nothing ever lasts with me. I can't be blamed. I warned him. Right from day one, I said I couldn't commit. And when it came down to it, I could not. He wanted a lot from me and I found it impossible to give him anything more than ten percent of my total worth. Apparently ten percent wasn't enough. The sad thing is, it maybe could have worked. But it most definitely did not.

So it lasted a month. It really was a good month. Afterwards, I found out the truth. The truth was that Izzie had convinced Kevin that maybe I could commit. She really thought I could, and Kevin was hoping I would. It wasn't a conspiracy on his end. It was more of a hope for him. He really saw things happening, and it was so far from grasp, it wasn't even funny. So we ended it. It was mutual, and admittedly somewhat sad. I walked away without feelings. That is what I do. I wonder how long it will work.

I can't commit. I will never commit. I have no reason to. I don't trust anyone. I do not trust men. I never will. So I will be forever alone. I guess I need to find another Derek. But I am not going to find another Derek the way I am going. And I am not spreading my legs for some random bar guy. I guess I was hoping Kevin could fill that void, but he wants commitment. Why does he have to be such a damn girl?

Okay, so back to this. Mark is coming. Mark is coming here again. Why does that matter? Because Mark is fun. We find crazy ways to entertain ourselves and that is a damn good time. So that means I will be going back to my grandma's house and living that fake life. But I guess I can say one thing, the fake life is good if you get caught up in it. I mean they are so fucking happy, they don't even realized how fucked up they really are.

I know Derek isn't coming. Him coming at Christmas was a fluke thing. He didn't have anywhere to go so he was dragged to us. I am pretty damn sure that won't be happening again. In fact, I am sure that I will never see Derek Shepherd again. It is slightly sad. I loved this big thick cock. I loved the fact that he knew how to use it like no other. I really need to throw that out of my head. Nothing will compare. I need to erase it. No one can hold up to that sex, and trying to compare, that is just cruel.

--

So I have been sexless for five months now. Five months! Five moths is insane. It is crazy, right? I guess not. I mean, I may have been sexless, but I have not been vibrator-less. Or orgams-less. See, I am getting damn good with that thing. I am actually getting worried. Maybe it is a foolish thing, but I wonder what happens when you vibrate yourself to death? I mean, that thing has some power. I am getting seriously worried that I will desensitize myself. I don't want to do that. That would be bad.

My birthday is coming up. That is why Mark is coming. Well, Mark and my Aunt Claire. Right now, my uncle is actually working. That is a thing that never happens. He only works in the summer. Usually my aunt would fly in, but apparently Mark is driving her here. So that means they get to stay longer. I suppose that is a good thing.

"Grandma?" I yell as I walk in the house. I'm actually going to be nice. Mer, be nice. Sometimes if I repeat it enough, I actually heed my own advice. Notice I did say sometimes. It is usually never. I never actually use my own advice. I say I will, but I soon forget it. Very soon. "Where are you?"

"In the kitchen." She yells. You can barely hear her yell. I'm sure part of that is her age. I'm going to venture to say that most of it is the two pack a day habit she has going on. At this point, I am sure it is preserving her. If she quit, she may die. "You are here early." She says as I walk in. She is making roast. How homey.

"Eh... I guess so. I had nothing better to do." I say with a shrug. I actually can't wait to bug Mark. I love bugging Mark. Someday I will make him insane. And then I will poke him with a stick just for fun.

"Oh.. Well, that is nice. It is nice to see you! Would you like something to drink?" She asks me with a smile as she looks up. She always had to feed or get you a drink. She must served. She's damn lucky, I must be served.

"Oh, I'll have water." I tell her quickly. Water is just about all I drink. I swear when I drink soda I have heart palpitations and I feel like I am a sip away from a diabetic coma. I stay away from that poison. Sugar water. I like my water straight up. Plain.

"Right away." She says with a smile as she grabs a cup out of the cupboard. I am shocked when she doesn't ask me what size. I hate that. What size? Small medium or large. Like that makes sense. I don't want a shot of water, so the small is a joke. Anything else and I can either spill it out or I can refill. Or she can refill. Either way, who cares?

"Thanks." I mutter as she hands me the medium sized glass. I take a sip and set it down. I wasn't even thirsty. Maybe I just wanted to be served. I am bouncing around here in my won body. I'm wondering why I came early. So stupid and so not my style. No I am stuck here with nothing to do. And when I say nothing. I mean nothing.

"Not a problem. So how are you doing?" Grandma asks as she looks up. Like she cares. I am sure she does not care in the least. Oh well. She is just a big pain in the ask.

"Fine." I grumble. I made sure it was a good grumble. A don't ask me anything grumble. Leave me alone. I don't want to be bothered. Buzz off. All of that shit.

As I sit there, I look around for ways to off myself. I'm sure there is cleaning agents under the sink. Those could work. I'm not one for drinking gross things though. That would be hard. A knife. I could slit my wrists. I think I would go for the more dramatic choice of slitting my throat. More blood, more fun. Or of course, I could drown myself in the sink. That could be grand. Okay, that solves it. Many choices. Just as I bask in my suicidal glory. I hear the door open. Could be grandpa home from worked. Could be. Could be. But I think not. I think it is Mark.

"Well hello!" Grandma says with a smile as Aunt Claire walks in with a bag in her arms.

"How are you, mom?" Aunt Claire asks with a smile. They do that whole lovey huggy thing that makes me sick. It does make me sick. I would like to vomit. That means I have to get the hell out of there before I retch out my guts.

Where is he? I wonder, where is he? I quickly sneak away. I'm going to search this out. I wonder where he is. Just as I get to the hallway, I look out and see someone in the trunk of the car. No! Not in the trunk. Getting things out of the trunk. In the trunk, now that would be exciting. This is too easy. I contemplate running over and slamming the trunk on his head. That would just be mean. I think of something else.

I'm smart. I quickly hide behind the bushes. I'm going to get him. When he comes up, I will jump on his back and take him down. That will be a good time. Why the hell does Mark make me so damn immature? I have to wonder. It is pathetic. I'm worse than I was ten years ago. I have to say, I think I have the same effect on him. I make him just as stupid. And the family... They hate it.

I hear the loud footsteps of the creature. I can only imagine that is what size fifteen sounds like. Boom. Boom. On the pavement. He has no idea what I am up to. I am going to take him down and beat his ass. I crouch like a predator, ready to take down it's prey. Closer. I can hear him nearing. I see a leg. Just as it passes me, I pounce. I jump as I and as hard as I can, brining him to his knees and down in the dirt.

Okay, I should have been funny. It really should have been. I mean, I am laying here on his back, laughing my ass off. I so got him good. He may be taller, but unprepared, he doesn't stand a chance. I took him out. I took him down. Ha! I am the master. Was. Was the master. It isn't until he turns that reality sets in.

"Damn, Mer... Excited to see me?" He asks. And when I say he, I mean him. I mean Derek Shepherd. I am looking into the eyes of Derek, Freaking, Shepherd. Damn. And I think that is a very good damn.

"You came?" I ask, feigning disgust. I can't believe he came. I cannot believe he came all the way here. I can't believe he is on his belly, laying beneath me. "I can't believe you came here..." I say again. I think he must be tired of me laying on him, I feel his roll away and I am now on top of him. How, I have no idea.

"I always cum. You should know that." Derek says with a smile as he looks up. I feel a smile grow on my face as I look into those sparkling blue eyes.

"You do always cum." I agree with a giggle. Cum. Oh how that word can be flipped around and used in different ways. Such a delightful dirty word for my pleasure. "In fact, if remember, you cum a lot." I tell him with a smile. It is a dirty smile coming from a very dirty girl.

"I do have the ability to cum and cum." Derek tells me with a wink. "But I think you know that." Derek adds with a wink. I love the way that hard body feels beneath mine. I swear I can feel his massive manhood rising for me. He is so fucking perfect.

"I think I do." I giggle as I wiggle around on him. Now that I have him rising, I must keep him going. I love it. I love to play with his cock, knowing he can't do anything about it.

"That is not nice, Mer. You are not a nice girl!" Derek says in disgust.

"Oh god... Not already..." Mark says as he walks up. I have come to the conclusion that Mark is sexually frustrated. He needs sex. If he could just get some sex, he would quit whining and bitching about Derek and I. He would be fucking his own girl and not thinking that we have issues.

"Mark!" I say as I jump off of Derek and run to him. Do I hug him... No. I quickly run up and kick him in the ass. "Why did you have to come here?" I ask, acting as if I am pissed. I'm not pissed, I love it when he comes here, I just like to be a shit.

"You know know you love me." He laughs as he smacks me on the ass hard. Derek opens the door for Mark and they walk in. I am now walking into the hell dimension of happiness.

"So... Later?" Derek whispers in my ear as we walk. I can't believe he just said that. Hell yeah I can. I really can believe it. The thing is, I was thinking the same damn thing. So bad. So very bad.

"Oh... Yeah... I don't want to do that anymore." I tell him with a nod. Am I serious? Hell no. But I will never tell him that. The look of shock on his face is the funniest thing I have ever seen. It is like I killed him. I think he had high hopes, and here I am, ruining them. So fun. So great.

"What?" Derek asks in shock. He stopped walking. He literally stopped and is waiting for me to confront this little issue we are now having. I'm not stopping. I will let him stew This will be great.

"Meredith!" I hear my aunt Claire say as she wraps her arms around me, choking out my life. She is trying to kill me with love. I think I would rather die. "How are you? And where were you? Outside?" She asks as she looks around.

The dumb ass didn't even see me sneak past her dumb ass. I love it. I actually got free. Now if I had been smart, I would have grabbed Derek and snuck to the basement. And if I had been smarter yet, I would have stayed outside, never told grandma that I was here, and I would have taken him right down for my pleasure. I would have wrapped my legs around him and let him pound me to oblivion. Stupid. So Stupid.

"Yeah... I ran to my car. I guess I didn't know you were here..." I say with a fake smile. Not even a smile. Slightly less of a frown. "Sorry."

"Oh... Missed you." My aunt says with a smile as she releases me. Thank god she released me. I couldn't take the love anymore. I want to shoot myself. What was I saying before? Oh yes... Slice my throat.

"Yeah... I missed you too." I lie as I give her yet another fake smile. I hate these fake smiles, but I am getting so good at them. Unbelievably good at them. "I see you brought the two dumb shits." I grumble under my breath as I look over at them.

"Be nice..." I hear my aunt say softly. Such the peace keeper. And I am a fighter. I'm a trouble maker. And I love every minute of it. "These nice boys brought me all the way down here. Didn't you, sweethearts?" She mocks as she looks up. They both shake their heads and ignore her.

"So when are we eating?" I ask my grandma as I look over. I just want to get dinner done. I am more in the mood for dessert. Like a nice banana in my split. A nice Derek banana.

"Oh shoot... We are out of milk. Grandpa needs milk with dinner. Shoot." She says with a frown. "You know he will only drink whole milk..." She whines as she looks around. She wants my help. And damn it, I think I just may give it to her.

"Milk... I could go get milk." I say with a nod and a smile. Derek milk is my forte. I would love to take a sip of what he has to offer.

"You're getting milk? Shoot... I forgot some things in my bag... Mind if I come along?" He ask with a smile. I was hoping he could cum along. I am more than ready for him to cum along inside of me.

"Sure... I guess. Whatever." I say with a nonchalant shrug as I go to walk away.

"Mark, you don't want to go along?" Aunt Claire asks in shock, knowing that he loves to tag along with me.

"Not this time." He says as he shakes his head. "Not this time..." Smart boy.

I rush to the car. I need to rush to the car. I have a feeling I am actually leaking body fluids, namely cum, down my leg. I am sure there is a wet trail down the sidewalk and across the driveway. I quickly open my door and climb into the driver's seat. I'm not even asking if I am driving. I know I can get us there fast. I need to make up for lost time that will be used doing something much more fun.

"God, Mer... Are you in a hurry?" Derek asks as he climbs into the passenger seat of the Jeep. If he only knew. If he only knew just how long it had been. Long. So long.

"Well, yeah..." I say as if it was the dumbest question in the world. I am in a hurry. I'm in a hurry, and I am hoping he does not know why. It is so much more fun to tease him ad see the reaction on his face. "Grandpa needs milk. He will be home for dinner and he needs his milk." I tell him frankly. Oh it is so much more than that.

"And that's it?" Derek asks with a chuckle. I think he may know that is not it. But this is so much fun.

"Yes... Of course." I tell him as I glance over. At this point I am weaving in and out of traffic. Anything to cut down on time. "What else would make me hurry?" I ask with a giggle. It was a sarcastic giggle. I am so mean. I know I am.

"Oh... Okay." Derek answers as if he is satisfied. I know he is not satisfied. He cannot be satisfied. He has to want it as much as I do. If he doesn't, something is seriously wrong with him.

I smile as I pull into the parking lot. I never smile, but this warrants a smile. I am about ready to get a screaming orgasm and I cannot wait. The anticipation is killing me. I am so wet, I know I have come through my jeans If Derek took a swipe, he would feel it. People always fight for the closest spot. I don't really get it. I just park wherever and walk. By the time they squeeze into a spot that a little old woman struggled to get out of for ten minutes, I am rushing out of the store with everything I needed. Well, today I am parking far away. Far.

"Why are you parking all the way out here?" Derek asks with a laugh. I know why. He knows why. Not I can see it. He is rising. Definitely rising.

"Derek... Shut up." I growl as I start to wiggle around. I am so glad that I have slip on shoes on. Thank god. "I hope you have a condom." I say as I slide out of my jeans. I don't even plan on taking my panties off. I am in far too much of a hurry for that crap.

"Fuck yes, I do." Derek says exuberantly as he reaches for his wallet. "A nice fresh one with your name on it..." He tells me was he pulled out that gigantic thing. "But I thought we weren't doing this? I thought you were done..."

"Derek... When are you going to learn to shut your mouth and get what's coming to you?" I ask as I start to move to his side of the car.

Derek's eyes get wide as he unzips his jeans. I smile as I see that beautiful cock poke it's head out through his jeans. It even forced it's way through his boxers. The big guy has made himself known. You have no idea how much I missed that cock. I love that thing. At this moment, I miss it so much, I would definitely blow it. And not like before. Not with a condom. I actually want to taste his essence. But I have a feeling he is a whore and that cock has been taste testing all over the land.

"I'm ready for what is coming to me, baby. I'm always ready." He grins as he rolls the condom over his thick shaft. My mouth is watering, just knowing what is coming to me. I need it so bad, I feel my whole core tingle. I need him so bad, I can feel my wetness dripping and tickling my delicate folds. Derek quickly grasps me and pulls me all the way over.

"I need this." I tell him frankly as I look into his blue eyes. I don't care about anything at that moment but his manhood sliding into me. I can't wait for it. Derek grasps my panty-clad ass and squeezes tightly.

"You have such a tight ass." He says with a grin as he grips it. "I guess that's what riding does? Have you been riding a lot, Mer? Have you been fucking a lot of cock, my tight girl?" He asks with a grin. I think I see jealousy, but probably not. He has been getting his, and i have not been getting mine. "Climb on me... I want to show you what a real fuck is."

"I want to know what a real fuck is." I growl as I slide my panties out of the way and hold myself above his cock. I know my warm wetness is dripping down his awaiting cock. I know he can feel the heat. I giggle as he thrusts up and bumps my clit. He missed the hole. Shame on him.

"Show me, Derek... You show me what you have. We shall see if you measure up." I tell him with an evil smile. He does. I know he does. But this is a competition. I feel that as he rams himself deep into my core. He takes my breath away. I cannot breathe. "Ouch, you fucker!" I scream. I feel the pain ripping through my body at his entrance. I egged him on, and now I am suffering.

"Fuck... I don't remember you being so fucking tight." He groans as he pushes and pulls, thrusting his hips. He is doing the work at the moment. I should help him out, but I am in my own pain. "You are the tightest little thing. Damn..." He moans as he runs his hands down my back. I fight the urge to cum. I want to come right now. I need to blow. I need to ride the waves. "No kissing?" He asks with a chuckle as he looks up.

"No kissing..." I moan as I rock slowly on his iron rod. He is filling completely He is filling a void that I need filled so badly. "Oh god... I swear your cock is enormous. Ah... You are...damn. Not so deep." I say as I lift myself up gently, trying to keep him away from my cervix. Derek quickly lifts my shirt and starts pecking kisses on my chest. His head has disappeared once again and I don't care.

"You are amazing." He moans as he moves himself along with me. We are in perfect sexual rhythm, milking each other and filling out needs. I feel myself already tightening down. It was hard to rock before, but now he can barely slide, even with all the lubrication I have added. "Fuck...I shouldn't be... But I am ready to fucking blow." He grunts. I feel his member pulsating.

"Oh god... Me too." I admit as I rock as quickly as I can. I need to to come now. The wait is torture. I need it. "Fuck... Oh god... Oh yes... Oh my fucking- Oh god... Fuck me! Fuck me... Oh my...There... I'm cumming..."

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck yes... You tight little fuck! Fuck me... Come on, baby... You can do it... Fuck... Here. Oh fuck!" Derek groans as he shoots himself into the condom is hot spurts. I close my eyes and shake violently as I little swollen clit sounds it's alarm. My uterus and vagina start contracting violently around him. The waves are amazing. I could sit on this ocean forever. "Oh yes..."

"Oh..." I whimper as I sit there on his cock. He is amazing. I can give him that. "Oh yeah..."

"Wow... That was... I think we both needed that." He panted as he laid his head back and closed his eyes. I know I did.


	21. DS and DT

Here's the thing... Derek, he's freaking hot. I mean unbelievably freaking hot. And me... I'm okay. Kind of okay. When I go places with Derek, girls notice him. I guess they have a right to look. Hell, I look. Not only am I looking at the guy's face, but I am looking at his package too. I like to imagine what is under those jeans and just how fun it is to play with. So back to Derek... These whores look. And they have a right to. But that doesn't mean I don't want to smash their faces into the grocery store shelves.

"Let's just get the milk, and get the hell out of here." I tell him frankly as I rush in. I hate going to the store. I hate the pushy people and the waiting in the lanes. To me, it is a necessary evil, and one that I do not want to have a part in anymore. Alas, I will be doing it for a lifetime. That is unless I marry a rich man and we send someone out to get our groceries. And if that is the case, I want a chef too. And help with housework. Shit... A stable hand too. Eh, I am so not getting that.

"I think we already got the milk." Derek tells me with a smirk. He is such a porny man. I think all he thinks about is sex. It seems we have that in common. At the moment, I am thinking about that cock. Damn. I really am a filthy whore.

"Such a dirty little man." I laugh as I walk towards the back. He may have a point. We did get the milk. Getting milk is a blast.

"I think we know I am not a little man. Not by any means." He says frankly. I know he is proud of that huge cock. Hell, I would be proud of it. I would probably be in jail for whipping it out and showing people. It's probably good that I was born a female and stuck with these tiny insignificant breasts. I would be in jail and named a sexual predator, most likely. Not to mention, I would play with myself.

"You have a point." I agree with a smile as I grab the half gallon of milk. Yes, they only need a half gallon. To me, that was insane. Shit, I should buy a pint just to be an ass.

"I think I do." He tells me as he follows. His long stride matches mine as we walk through. I swear, I am already wanting him again. I have problems. Huge problems. I want that cock. Again. It's been less than ten minutes. Again, I want it. "Shit!"

"What?" I ask as I stop and look at him. He is standing there looking around. "What?"

"I need to get something. I said I forgot shit." He says frankly. "Toothpaste. Toothpaste is always good." He says with a smile as she he rushes down that aisle. He is such an idiot. We have so much toothpaste. Oh well, he does need to get something. "Okay... We can go." Derek says with a smile as he walks towards the checkout. We stand in the line. I know we look awkward. We aren't friends. We are not lovers. I'm not sure what we are.

"You are stupid." I mutter as I stand there looking up at the ultimate hotness before me. Derek shakes his head. I can tell he doesn't even want to bother responding. Just as I look at him, I look behind him. Whores. Yep. There are whores behind us and they are looking. Jealous bitches are what they are. Yep, I am fucking this. He is good. You have no idea. Shit... He is a manwhore. You may have an idea. No. He isn't a manwhore in this area. We are safe. Yep, you bitches. He's my fuck.

"What are you-" He starts a he looks up. He must she the scowl. I am so beating their asses with my evil glare. "Ah..." He mutters under his breath. I expect him to eat this up like candy. I expect him to whore himself out. Maybe they will call the number in his back. Or not. I can't believe it. He is looking away from the whores. He is looking away. "That is..." He starts as he leans in. I look up at him in shock. Oh god... He is doing it. Oh my god. He throws his arm around me. Oh no... Pulling me close. I give him a glare, which is ignored. He quickly leans in and kisses me, full on the lips.

"Hey." I say quickly as I pull away. I made the rules clear. I said no kissing. Not even jealously kissing. I glare at him as he remains there with his arm wrapped around me. I quickly snake my hand down and hover above his manhood, grabbing gently. "I told you no kissing." I say under my breath as I squeeze. Derek looks at me and drops his arm down. I think he is afraid. He should be. I do not like it. Period.

We quickly check out without another word. He can tell I'm mad. Not mad. Upset. I am really upset that he continues to push and push. I feel like I can't do anything without him trying to kiss me. We don't love each other. I think it has become a game for him. It is not a game for me. I have a problem with it, and to me, he is being extremely rude and thoughtless.

"What is wrong with you?" Derek asks as he looked at me. I quickly continue walking to the car. I am not in the mood. I don't want to talk about it. "I was just letting them know. I thought you would like that. Maybe even appreciate it."

"Why? You are just a guy I fuck. We have no ties." I tell him as I climb into my car. I'm so freaking red hot I want to sock him in the face.

"There is obviously a reason you don't kiss. It means nothing." He tells me with a nod. I can see his wheels spinning. He is thinking things. I don't like it when guys think. "Why don't you kiss? There is a reason..."

"Why don't you go fuck yourself?" I ask as I look at him. I think he can see the anger in my eyes. Most can. It is always right there up front.

"Why don't you take your fucking pants off..." Derek growls as he looks at me. "Take them off now."

"What? No! I am not taking my pants off." I tell him as I look over. "You want it, so we're doing it again? I don't think so." I growl as I start the car up. I am not fucking him because he wants it right here and now.

"Believe be... You want to take your pants off. And I am not fucking you." He tells me frankly. "But you really should get your pants off." He repeats, "Come on... Trust me. You know you want to..." He tells me with a big grin as he nods his head exuberantly.

I have no idea why, but I'm doing it. I quickly unbutton and unzip my jeans. How does he do this? How does he convince me to do these things that I don't want to do. Well, I want to do them. I do want to do them. I just don't want him to know that I want him to do them. I am so bad. So freaking bad as I slide them off and throw them in the back seat. I am in the parking lot, in my panties. How awesome is that? I will mostly likely get pulled over. Please step outside the vehicle. In that case, I would go to jail for murder.

"Keep the panties on. I have no problem working around panties." He says with a nod as he motions. "Start the car and head home." I look over at him. He is so bad. I know what he is planning and it is bad. So bad.

"Derek..." I mutter as I put the car into drive and head off. This is bad. I should not be letting him snake his hand over my leg. Oh god... He is going under. His is going in for the kill. I feel his large hand go beneath my panties. "Derek!" I giggle. He is tickling me. He is tickling my landing strip.

"Drive." He says with a grin. I can see that grin out of the corner of my eye. He is loving the fact that I am vulnerable and he is in charge. I look up at the red light. I need to stop. Oh god. I need to stop. Now. "You like that?" He asks as he runs his finger down one wet lip. He is teasing the outside. He didn't go in. He is teasing me and I don't like a tease.

"Don't tease me, you fucker." I snap, wanting his fingers inside of me. He either better go deep, or he better start playing with the clit. Either way, I want him in there doing something. No teasing.

"Testy..." He laughs as he goes up the other lip. Derek Shepherd is a rotten bastard and he can rot in hell for all I care. I hate that fucker. "Is this what you want?" He asks as he fingers my clit. I let out a gasp at his touch on my most sensitive area. "Yes it is... Look at your face..."

"Oh god... Just do it." I groan as I spread my legs as far apart as I can and place the left one up and out of the way. I have one shaky foot in control of the accelerator and brake of this vehicle. Is it enough? We should hope it is.

"Oh yeah... You like that." He laughs as he rubs it hard with his thumb. I moan softly as I imagine his large penis rubbing up and down. Up and down. That thick manhood licking my folds and tasting my delicate flesh. Up and down. Up and down.

"Oh god..." I groan as my belly ripples. It is tense. My body is tensing up as my pores begin releasing sweat in the heat of the day. In my haste, I forgot my air conditioner and the heat is taking me over. Internally and externally. The heat is too much. My body wants so badly to react to him. I want to cum and flood his masterful fingers with my essence.

"You are such a dirty little thing." He laughs as he dives into my wet spot, thrusting his fingers deep and fast. The man knows just were to go and how to get there. I feel him thrust deeper and curve his extra long middle finger. "So fucking wet. I give it to you, and all you want is more. You are a wet little fuck. So wet, and you will cum for me. You will come right now." He demands as he hits it.

"Oh my god!" I grunt as he hits it. I thrust my hips up as my heart races. I hope my breath, waiting for that perfect sensation to take me over. I pants softly, trying to stave off my breathing. I want to feel the full intensity of what is to come. "Oh, oh, oh!" I cry out as it hist me like a tidal wave. He has reached my g-spot and sent me into a wave of intense orgasms. I feel my whole core rocking with the rhythm of contractions. My core spasms as my feet twitch. I feel my foot slide off the petal, but I can't seem to get it back on. My arms are shaking, I am losing control of my body.

"Mer! Go!" Derek shouts as he looks up, seeing cars coming from behind. I quickly stomp on the petal and go forward, pushing us back in our seats "Holy fucking shit!" He says as he looks back at the semi-truck behind us. "I think we could have died." He says in disbelief. See, that is the problem with a boy. He should have thought about the dangers before he did that to me.

"I swear... If you ever do that again!" I shout as I drive along. The remnants of the orgasm have passed, and now I am running on adrenaline. Derek looks over at me with a smirk.

"Did you not enjoy it?" He asks with a laugh. He thinks he has done so good. He is so proud.

"Oh... I enjoyed it. It was fucking amazing! But you had to fuck it up, didn't you? You had to go fucking it up by yelling at me. I was still feeling the aftermath and you ruined it for me!" I snap. I know it was so off the wall, but that is how I felt.

"Are you kidding me? You are pissed because I saved us and in turn ruined your orgasm?" He asks in shock.

"Hell yes I am. I'll remember this. I will get you. When you least expect it. I promise." I tell him with a nod. And I will.

As I finish the short drive, I think about how I will get him. Maybe when he is mid orgasm I will just walk away. But what is that? He can finish on his own. He can wrap his big hand around that cock and pump himself into pleasure. I will get him back, and I am sure I will do it when it comes to me in the middle of no where. That is when it works best. Pounce when they least expect it.

"How long were we gone?" I ask as I look at my watch. I'm not even sure when we left, but I swear we have been gone forever. Let's see... Sex takes how long? I mean, we cum quick. We cum really quick if need be. Eh, I would say we've been gone for at least forty-five minutes. That means we definitely pushed it to the limit.

"Too damn long." Derek says as he looks at my grandfather's car in the driveway. We have been gone too long. I would almost forgo going in the house and we could run away. Run away to a porny hideaway where we would lay around and fuck all day. Now that is a play. "What are you doing?" Derek asks as he walks around to the side of the car and looks at me.

"Contemplating whether or not I should being going to my porny hideaway." I explain as I continue to stare ahead. I occasionally zone out and stare forward like someone who is seizing. If that is seizing, I like It. I can hardly pull myself away. I love that state that I go into. No one can touch me there.

"Porny hideaway?" Derek asks as he looks at me. I think he thinks I have gone insane. Not so. I have gone sane. I used to be insane. Now I am just unbelievably happy. I love being in this sane pornographic state. "Where is this porny hideaway?" He asks as he looks at my smiling face. I am dreaming of it now. Right now.

"At the moment... Right in here." I say as I point to my head. Thank god he hasn't pulled me out yet. I swear, I could live here. "But we planning on changing locations soon."

"Oh really?" Derek asks with a smile as he stares at the side of my face. "And when you go to the land of porn, what will you do?" He asks smartly.

"Fuck all day." I tell him with a nod. In the land of porn, I would fuck all day. And maybe dress myself in those slutty little outfits. Either way, the land of porn will be great.

"And what would you call this land of porn you have made?" He asks with a smirk. Apparently he thinks my fantasy island would be a good place to be.

"Um... I never really thought about it. Doggie Style Island, I suppose..." I muse as I think about my favorite position. Deep penetration and I don't have to look him in the eyes. Perfect for when you have to fuck an ugly. Much better than the dangerous alternative of accidental smothering. "D.S. Island."

"Oh... I see. And when will we being going to this island?" He asks as he pulls me from the car. Damn him. Damn him for breaking my concentration. I was there in the zone and he pulled me out.

"We... No. Me. Just me. You wouldn't be interested. It's just me. And a bunch of guys. No other girls. You wouldn't be interested." I tell him frankly as I walk up to the door and put the key in. So much like a penis into the perfect vagina. If that isn't Freud, I don't know what is.

"Why would you need so many guys?" He asks as I push the door open. I can't believe he asked such a stupid question.

"I can have multiple orgasms. How many can you have?" I ask frankly as I look at him. Derek looks at me. The boy can a ton. For a guy, he is doing good. But still, I can go all night. I need a team. A team of hotties.

"That took a long time." Everyone says as they look up from the dinner table. They are eating. They are actually eating. The assholes started without us. What a nice group of people. Oh how much I love them all.

"Um... Traffic." I tell them as I sit the milk in the refrigerator. A nice granddaughter would pour him a glass. I am not a nice granddaughter. I walk over and look at the cow on a plate. I am hungry. Just not for food. When I said I was insatiable, I was not kidding. I wasn't kidding in the least. "We were sitting there forever. And then by the time we got closer, there was nothing there." Now that is the best traffic jam lie. Use it sometime. The mystery accident, I call it.

"I don't know what was going on." Derek says with a smile as he sits down at the table, across from me. I can't believe he is sitting across from me. He is trouble. He is trouble, I tell you.

"Yeah, that happens around here." My grandfather says with a nod. "Idiot drivers."

"They really are bad around here." Derek says with a smile as he looks up at me. We share such a dirty little secret. The perfect dirty little secret. Behind closed doors, hell even in the open, we fuck. We fuck a lot. I drift off back into my zone with a smile on my face. I can see the boys now. The dress code on my island would be perfect. They walk around naked when I tell them to. They do what I say.

"Mer... Were are you?" Mark asks loudly. By the way he is saying it, I think this is not the first time he has asked.

"She is on DT Island." He says with a smirk. I feel his foot come up. His long ass legs reach as he rubs my pussy with his foot.

"It's DS Island." I growl as I clamp my legs shut. He is not even going to get me. No way. "Not DT, it's DS." I reiterate.

"I like DT better." He tells me with a wink. I know what that is. Of course a man would live on Deep Throat Island. Ass.

"You would." I say as I shake my head. I feel his foot come up again. Oh fuck... I should just let him have his fun. I spread my legs and scoot forward. I really am a whore. The sad thing is, he can probably get me off this way. I am ultra sensitive in my nether region.

"What is DS Island?" My grandma asks innocently as she looks up.

"Daisies and sunflowers, grandma." I say with with straight face. I can't believe I just said that. I can't hold it in. I can't. I have to do something. I am going to blow. I quickly push my fork off and duck under the table. Now I am silently laughing. Daisies and sunflowers? What the hell was that?

"And what is DT, Derek?" My grandmother asks him frankly. I wonder if she has any idea. Although, I have to say, I bet she deep throated in her day.

"Donkey and turtles." Derek says quickly. I come up from the table in shock. Now that was even worse. "What?" He asks me as he looks up. "I have a fondness for them both."

"Sure you do." I laugh as I look up. We have got to get better at this if we are going to play.


	22. A Whore

I like to look at Derek. I have always liked to look at Derek. There is something about him that draws me in. I like to just stare. But I only stare when he isn't looking. I don't want him to know that I like to look at him. I don't want him to know that I find him interesting. Not really him, it's his parts. His eyes. Yes! His eyes. And the cock. But he does have amazing eyes. And an amazing cock. That always seems to creep back in.

Mark, Derek and I are watching a movie. I honestly could not tell you what is going on. I don't watch. I'm watching, just not the movie. We should be doing something. I think I am a tad bit ADD. I know I am. You know, it may not even be that. It may be that my porny mind it too busy worrying about sex. That is the true issue. I just want sex, and unless that is what I am doing, I'm not thinking.

"This movie..." Derek whispered as he leaned into my ear. I love to feel his hot breath on my skin. There is something about that closeness, it makes my hair stand on end. In a good way.

"Yes?" I ask softly as I look up. I know he is going to say something. I want to hear this something that he has to say. I am hoping to get another hair raising whisper in my ear.

"It blows." He says simply as he makes a sucking noise in my ear. A sucking noise. Oh god how I long to suck. Oh god how I want to taste. Oh god, oh god. "And I want to taste you." He says simply. Now I am dripping wet. I am ready to have a spontaneous orgasm and cum all over the place. "I have missed your sweet spot. Sometimes, when I am laying in bed, I think about it. I can almost taste it." He tells me with a nod.

Now this is bullshit. I know that he has been fucking everything. So now he lays in bed and night and thinks about sucking my sweet spot. I don't think so. He is full of shit. He is pissing me off, is what he is doing. I mean he has been getting his. I know he wasn't thinking about me. If he is trying to flatter me, he is crazy. This will not flatter me.

"Bullshit." I say as I roll my eyes. "That shit right there, won't get it. It will not get you anywhere. I'm not an idiot. You don't need to flatter me. I will spread my legs freely for you." I say as I roll my eyes. It is true. Why does it have to be true?

Okay. Mark is right there. I see him. Apparently he is interested in this shitty movie, because he has not even noticed that Derek has his hand snaked between my legs and he is actively rubbing my pussy. He is turning me on. The heat is on. The heat is on... Do do do do do, do do do do do. Yeah, that song. The heat is fucking on.

"Just do me, Derek." I say with a smile. God, do I ever want him to do me. I mean, hell, I want that cock so deep, my eye pops out. What a way to lose an eye.

"You don't waste time, do you?" He asks with a smile as he looks at me. I don't waste time. Not when it comes time for sex. No way. I am there, and I am ready. He better get the condom out now. Right now.

"I don't." I tell him as I shimmy out of my jeans. He looks at me with a smile. I don't think he was expecting me to spread them right here. I will. I am so like that. That damn sex fog. "Condom now."

"We did it without a condom before." He says with a shrug. I can't believe he is ever saying that. What a dumb ass.

"Yeah, and you are a whore, you dirty little bastard. You are not sticking your dirty little stick in my pussy." I growl as I look down at his tented jeans and smirk.

"Dirty stick?" He asks in shock. "I am not a whore!" He spits when he realizes that I also said that. I roll my eyes as I pull my panties off. Naked ass on the sofa. So freaking hot. Yes, grandma would die. "I will show you!" He growls as he climbs to his knees and rolls the condom on his hard cock. God I love to look at his body. It is tired together perfectly. His groin in amazing.

"Show me, dirty whore." I tease as I lay on my back and spread. "Show me what you think you have." I say frankly as I look into his eyes. Derek is going to give it to me rough. I better prepare myself. I close my eyes and wait. Nothing. "What the fuck?" I ask as I look up at him.

"I wondered how long you would wait?" Derek asked with a chuckle as he holds his massive penis at my entrance. I groan as I feel him slide his thick shaft into my vagina. He spreads my walls to their brink as he fill me completely. I pant softly at the pain and pleasure sweeping over me.

"No fucking around." I say frankly as I buck my hips up at him. I want to feel him at his peak. I want to feel the pleasure that he can give me. "Just do it hard and fast. We need to... Oh god." I cry as he rams into me. His cock has hit my cervix hard. "Ah..." I cry at the pain that his taken me.

"You like that? It that what you want me to do?" He asks as he thrusts as hard and fast as he can. I grasp handfuls of ass in my hands and let him take me for a ride. "Oh yeah... You are so tight. So fucking tight!" He says as he groans and struggles.

"Oh...Oh..." I pant as I feel the beads of sweat beginning to cover my body. I can feel it tensing up in anticipation. I feel his thick veiny member teasing my inner folds.

"Man... You guys are really going at it!" Mark says loudly as he looks at us.

"Mark, you fucker! Get out of here!" Derek spits as he pumps into me. I am too far gone to care. He holds his hands firmly on the sofa and pushes and pulls in an out of my heated core. "Get out, Mark. I am not fucking kidding!" He yells loudly. I feel his hand slip off the side as we both tumble to the hard floor. We don't miss a beat. I am on top, and I am in charge.

"Who's the boss now, bitch?" I spit as I place my knees on the floor and pump furiously. I am going to give him the ride of his life.

"Mark! OUT!" Derek yells as he looks at Mark, who is eating it up. Well, I would imagine he is eating up live porn. If I were him, I would be pounding it.

"You guys can't have a show and not let me watch." Mark whines as he looks at Derek. Derek gives out a low growl, and Mark quickly exits. I hear his door shut. I am so far gone in our game, I don't even care where he is.

"Take your shirt off." Derek tells me as he starts to life it. "I want those in my mouth." He explains as I pull off my shirt and toss it. Derek quickly removes my bra and leans up, sucking on my erect nipples.

"Oh god..." I say as I pump, Derek pulling my breast from my chest with his teeth. "Oh yes... Oh yes..." I cry as I go side to side. I feel him pulsating hard. He is going to blow. he is going to fill the condom. He is cumming.

"Oh yeah, babe... Oh yeah! Oh yeah... Fuck yes. Fuck yes, Mer... Thank you... Oh!" Derek grunts as he throws his hips up and me. I am riding a wild storm of pleasure.

"Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh..." I cry as I rock my hips hard and fast. "Oh god, I'm there... I am there. Fuck yes! Fuck yes! Your cock is huge. I love your fucking cock!" I scream as it hits. Like a wave, it hits. My whole inner core is pulsating and contracting around his massive manhood. He is at his personal peek as he spurts his seeds with force, his cock twitching inside.

"Wow... Babe... You were... You were... Fucking amazing..." He pants as he laps my breast. I kinda was. I really kinda was. He ain't seen nothing yet... Bababababy he just ain't seen nothing yet. Yeah, I kinda live in song.

--

I'm bored. I hate being bored. In fact, it drives me nuts. My grandmother once told me that never in her life had she been bored. I don't believe that. that has to be one hundred percent bullshit. I mean, everyone gets bored from time to time. There are times when there in nothing to do. And then, you get bored. See, I know it. Everyone gets bored.

"You want to come with me?" Mark asks as he walks into the living room. For once, I am out of my dungeon. For once, I am upstairs with the other people in the house.

"Where are you doing?" I ask as I look up from my magazine. "And shouldn't you be asking differently? Shouldn't you be asking if I will take you. Seeing as you do not have a car, that would make perfect sense."

"Okay... Fine. Will you take me somewhere? I need to get some music." He tells me with a nod. Why he doesn't just use itunes, I will never know. He is kind of weird like that.

I'll take him. The truth is, I missed him. With all of the time I have been spending with Derek, I have forgotten about Mark. Mark is a great guy and he is a lot of fun. I feel like I can talk to him about every and anything. We talk about the weirdest things. We talk about nothing. But the great thing is, we are honest. I love honestly.

"Yeah. I will take you." I tell him with a smile. "Get your shit. And your big-ass clown shoes." I tell him with a laugh as I look over. He does have big feet. And a big dopey head. Okay. Not really, but I can say that. I just can.

"Do you want me to get Derek?" Mark asks as he slides his shoes on. I look up at him. Do I want Derek, or not. I am thinking not. I am thinking I need some time away from him. I definitely need some free time.

"Um... No. I think you and I need to go. But come on... We need to hurry. Before he sees us leaving." I tell him as I grab my keys and my things. I guess it is a little mean that I am trying to sneak out, but I'm not in the mood for him today. I quickly rush to the car. It's too much pressure. I need to be free.

"Why are you hiding from Derek?" Mark asks as he climbs into my Jeep. I quickly put it in reverse and get the hell out of there. I half expect to look back and see him chasing us down. How funny would it be as I drag him from my bumper.

"I'm not hiding from Derek. Why would you say I am hiding from Derek?" I ask as I look over at him. I am, but I don't want to admit that to him.

"You are definitely hiding from Derek. What did he do? Has he oversexed you?" He asks with a laugh as he looks at me. I giggle and roll my eyes. He is either being funny, or he doesn't know me.

"Oh yes, Mark. We both know I can be oversexed. Are you kidding me?" I ask with a laugh as I look at him. "I cannot be. It is impossible. I just... I need same air. He is everywhere." I explain. I feel slightly bad saying that, but it is the truth. He is everywhere. In my face. In my pussy. Touching me. He is everywhere. I'm not used to it, and I am not sure I will be.

"Okay... I guess that was a a stupid thing to say..." Mark agrees as he looks at me. "And Mer... You are fucking him. Of course he will never leave you alone. Not to be rude... But if someone is freely giving ass, of course people will come hounding." Mark says with a shrug.

That was rude. I am offended. I can say that I am slightly hurt. I mean, he basically just called me a whore. I really am not a whore. I never thought that Derek would go for any of this. I never thought he would say yes. Being a man, I guess I should have known. But even so, I didn't think we would end up doing this. And I do feel like a whore. but I am a whore who is enjoying laying on her back. Oh, the shame.

"Thanks, fucker." I growl as I look at him. I quickly wail on him with my free arm. I hate him for saying that. Shit, maybe I do have feelings. "I am not a whore! This is the first time I have ever done this... And Derek, I bet he is doing this all the time..." I trail off. That was me, opening the door. Does he do this all the time? I he fucking freely?

"Yeah..." Mark says softly. Yeah? As in yes? As in yes, he is fucking freely? Damn it. Come on, Mark. Tell me more, tell more... Does he get very far? Fuck... That was Grease. See, songs run my life. I can't take it. I have to know. I have to.

"Yes, as in yes?" I ask frankly. I want to know, even if it does make my stomach churn. "Does Derek fuck around a lot?"

"Yeah. Yes, Derek fucks around a lot." Mark tells me with a nod. Okay, I can't get mad. I knew that. I cannot get mad. Why would I get mad? I don't care. I mean... I really don't. He gets around. I don't, but maybe I should. "I mean... He is careful and all. And he really does like to fuck you..." Oh yes, that will make me feel better. He likes to fuck me best. Okay then...

"I thought so. I mean... He has all he all the right in the world. He can fuck whoever... I don't care." I say frankly. I don't. But damn it, I better not get any disease. I don't need an STD.

"I know you don't. And that is why you guys are working out so well. Derek likes to screw. You like to screw. It is perfect." Mark says with a shrug.

"Yes... Yes it it." I say with a nod. And Derek... He is a sampler. He takes a taste of everything. And I am just on the buffet. Yes... It seems it is true.

**Please review... I want to know if anyone is reading this. It doesn't seem to do well on this site.**


	23. Oh That Smell

So there comes a time when you accept the things you cannot change. I have to do this. See, Derek is a whore. Not a whore for money. I'm not sure if being a whore for money is a good thing, or a bad thing. Would it be better if he were making money? Probably not. If he was doing it for money, he wouldn't be doing me for free, that is for sure. So anyway... Accepting the things you cannot change. I am doing that. He is a whore. He sleeps with others. And me, I am right there getting mine from his. It's just fun. It means nothing. Let him whore around.

"So, do you have a girlfriend?" I ask as I walk along with Mark. I never get to talk to him anymore. I want him to know I am interested in him, and what he is doing.

"Eh... Not right now. I just broke up with Jen." Mark explains as he browses the music. I'm not even looking. I'm looking. I'm just not looking at music. I am looking at candy. Candy of the man kind.

I have found that there are some nice asses in this world. Round ones. I like an apple bottom on a guy. Not a huge bubble butt, but a nice round one. Something I can grab onto and have a great time with. I like an ass that I can grasp as he drives into me. Derek has a nice ass. Derek has a great ass. I love it. I love to hold it firmly, making crescents on it with my fingernails. Yes, I like a good ass.

"So are you done yet?" I ask as I look at him. "I'm not really having any fun here." I tell him with a frown. It was okay for like the first few minutes, but now I am bored. Now I am ready to go home.

"You have the shortest attention span ever." Mark said in shock as he looked over at me. I'm tapping the c.d.s with my fingers. I am stomping my foot I want the hell out of there. "God... Look at you." He teases as he looks into my eyes.

"Stop." I say as I roll my eyes. "I just... We came here to do this, and you should be done." I grumble. If it were me, it would only take me a few minutes. I would know what I was doing. I would have an idea of what I wanted and I would get out of there.

"You are just like grandpa. God, are you ever not in a hurry?" He asks as he shakes his head. "I mean... With you two it is always hurry up and wait. We will rush home and then what? Unless you are wanting a fuck from Derek. Then, I get it."

"Eh... Okay." I say as I roll my eyes. "Just... Do whatever." I mutter as I continue my people watching. I let out a yawn, something I do when I am bored. Apparently Mark sees it, because he shoves the c.d.s down and looks at me.

"Let's go." He grumbles as he grabs my hand. "Let's just... Come on. You are worse than a little kid." He moans as he grabs his items and we walk towards the checkout. He was lucky he got anything at all. He was lucky I brought him. Little ass.

"I am not a kid." I growl as they scan his stupid music. At least he isn't stealing music. That is a plus. He is paying for it legitimately, and that is a rarity.

"No, you obviously aren't a kid. Kids don't have fuck buddies. Kids don't fuck in front of their cousins. You are an adult." He says frankly. I see the checkout boy. He thinks I'm nuts. I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I am a fool.

"Okay, jealousy." I laugh as I look at him. He rolls his eyes. I actually think Mark is the kind of guy that wants in a relationship. Who would have thought? See, it is Derek how is the man whore, not Mark. Mark would actually be the better guy.

"I'm not jealous. Free fucking is free fucking. I'm sure I could get mine if I wanted to." Mark says with a nod as he pulls out his cash. "What you and Derek have... It's not normal. But it works for both of you." Mark points out as he grabs his bag and the change.

"But it won't work forever... I mean, Derek will move on. Derek will meet someone, and he won't want free fucking anymore. Someday he will get married and all of that happy shit. I will never do that. Fuck that." I say frankly. I am not getting married and having kids. I am not going through the bullshit of raising the monsters until they are eighteen and having to deal with crap for an eternity. And the thought of my husband leaving me with them... Too scary. I am not having kids.

"Yeah... Don't count on it. Derek can't keep it in his pants long enough to get married. Don't worry, he will be free fucking for a long time." Mark says with a nod. He says it so matter of factly. And I wonder... How many guys would chose free fucking over getting married. I'm sure most would. I stay silent as I drive home. Free fucking is good. It is easy. No strings.

"People change, you know..." I tell Mark as we climb out of the car. Mark looks at me and laughs. I don't know what he thinks is so funny.

"Oh yeah? So you are going to have five kids and get married, right? I mean... People change." Mark says with a laugh. All I can do it glare. I hate it when people use what you say against you.

"Yeah... Some people change." I say as I shake my head. "If they want to." I tell him as I walk away. As I walk towards the house I have to look at the perfectness of it all. It really is so far from perfect, but it is in that perfect little package.

"I think anyone can change if they want to." Mark points out as I walk to the door. Just as I go to open it, it opens. I look up to see Derek. Derek is looked at me with the oddest face. I'm not really sure what it means.

"What?" I say as I walk in the door that he opened for me. It was a rude, sarcastic what. It was kind of nasty. I'm not even sure why, but it came out like that.

"You left without me." He says as he follows me down the hallway. I mean, what is his deal? I left without him. So? I am not his keeper. I don't need to watch over him. I don't need to drag him around.

"Yeah. I guess I did." I say with a chuckle as I keep walking away from him. "And I am not your keeper." I say as I roll my eyes. "You weren't around. What is the big deal?" I ask as I walk into the great room. Everyone is in there. Well, grandma and aunt Claire.

"That wasn't very nice, Meredith." My aunt Claire says as she looked up at me. What does she know. Nothing. No thing. "You guys left Derek here..."

"He wasn't very happy sitting with us." My grandmother points out with a smile. Ha! Well I get stuck sitting with them all of the time. To damn bad for him. He will have to deal with it.

"Oh, it was fine." Derek says with a smile as he looks at them. The bastard is giving them the fake smile. I do it all of the time, but it's okay for me to. It is not okay for him to.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." I say sarcastically as I glare at him. I love my sarcastic glare. he sees it and recognizes it.

"Well, Mer... Aunt Claire and I were thinking about going out to lunch, would you like to come along?" They ask me with a smile. I look over at Derek. Let's see, boring lunch, or sex with Derek? What a freaking choice.

"No... I'm not hungry. But thanks anyway." I tell them with a nod as I look up. "But I am sure that Mark is starving. He is always starving."

"You bet I am." He says with a smile as he jumps up. "You coming, Derek?" I hear him ask as I walk away. I don't want to stay. I don't want to hear what Derek says.

"Nope. I am still stuffed from the breakfast Mrs. Grey made." Derek says with a nod. "But thanks for asking." He says as he sits down on the sofa. Minutes go by like hours. I wait and wait, watching silently as they pull away from the house. A smile covers my face as I run out of the living room and into the great room. I am in shock. Complete shock.

"I knew you wanted it." Derek tells me with a smirk as he sits there. He is sitting there with his cock in his hand. Yes, his big fucking dong is grasped tightly in his fist, and his clothes are strewn across the floor. He is ready. Big. Hard. Ready. "You always want it."

"Oh god." I groan as I look at him. His big veiny member is standing high as he releases his hand from it. The perfect cock, droplets of pre-cum at it's surface. Thick and ready. Red and plump. It's velvety head standing proudly, ready for me to climb aboard.

"Come fuck me, Mer." Derek tells me with a smirk as he sits on the floor. I watch as he rolls his condom on. Such a shame to cover it. The poor penis is being covered and beat to death. For my enjoyment, of course. I pull my shirt over my head and toss it. I'm dripping wet. I can feel the droplets on my bush. I can feel it trickling for him. I pull of my bra and then my jeans and panties.

"Oh god, Derek... You may be a whore... But fuck!" I say as I amble over. He is sitting on his ass, his hands supporting him from behind. He is half leaned back, with his knees bent and up. There is a perfect seat for me to climb aboard.

"Before you ride it, give me your pussy." Derek tells me as he flicks his tongue up and down. He wants to flick my clit with his tongue. Oh joy! That only makes my mouth water and my pussy gush. I place one leg on either side of his body and bend my knees slightly. "You smell like candy." He says with a grin.

Derek buries his face deep in my pussy. I'm beginning to think he likes to smell like twat. He rubs his cheek on my bush like a cat rubbing on it's owner's leg. I feel his nose enter my twat. His nose. Derek has a beak, and he is rubbing it over my clit. I let out mews of pleasure. I can feel the tip of his nose running circles around my hooded clit, teasing me with pleasure. It feels so good, I can barely contain myself.

"Oh god, Derek!" I pant as he pulls away. I look down at his face. It is wet and creamy white. He looks satisfied, but not quite. "You can't stop now!" I growl as I push my wet pussy in his face again. He may choke on it, but damn it, he is getting this job done. I place my hand behind his head and smile. "Who's my bitch?" I ask with a grin.

"I am." He pants breathlessly as he comes up for air. "I am you bitch." He repeats. I smile with a nod. At least he knows his role. My whore knows that he is in fact my whore.

"Taste it." I demand as I grip his head tightly. "Suck it, my whore. Suck me good. Oh yeah... That's the spot, my little bitch." I tease. He pulls away and dives his tongue into my vagina, thrusting deeply. I love the way his long thick tongue feels as he plugs me up. "Go back to my clit. Suck my clit." I cry as he abandons my hole and goes to my plump clit. "AH!" I scream as he takes my clit between his teeth and squeezes. "You fuck- Fuck- Fucker!" I shout in pain and pleasure. "Oh god... Fuck... Derek... I'm..." I cry out as I feel myself clamping down. I frantically fuck his face. "Oh wow... Damn... Fuck!" I scream as I feel myself go into contractions. Derek greedily sucks my fluid. I hear him slurping loudly as he sucks me dry. I feel as if I need to collapse. My legs can't hold my weakened body. I quickly feel my legs give out as I fall onto him. Derek looks at me with a smile, his face covered in my cum.

"I guess I was a good little whore, huh?" He asks with a chuckle. I close my eyes and smile. He is a good little whore.

I lay there for what seems to be an eternity. The waves of contractions continue on as the beads of sweat for all over. I can feel his cock poking into me. It is poking me somewhere between my ass and my lower back. He is hard and ready for me, and I'm not sure I can muster up the strength to ride his iron pull. I lay my back against his knees and attempt to breathe.

"I'm more than ready, you know..." Derek said as he nudged me. I guess he wants something. Of course he wants something. They always do.

"Eh..." I groan as I lay my head to the side. I think he literally sucked the life out of me. He sucked me dry, and now he wants more. I feel his hands run alongside my body and caress my thighs.

"Come on, Mer. Come on... Give me a ride." He begs as he pushes his hips up, poking me hard with his stick. "Wake up..." I smirk softly. I am waking up and coming down from my high. I am feeling great. I am rejuvenated and I think it is from him teasing me with that meaty member of his.

"What do you want, Derek?" I ask as I raise my brows. I know exactly what he wants. I want it to. But I want him to beg. He needs to beg me.

"I want you to ride me good. I want you to ride me hard. I want you so slippery and wet that my cock glides in and out of you. I want to feel your cum slide down my cock. I want your walls to collapse around me. I want you to fuck me, Mer. And I want you to fuck me now." He tells me as he grasps my sides and moves me. "Now what do you want?"

"Hmmm... I want you to fuck me. I want to feel that big, thick cock deep inside my core. I want it so deep it hurts. I want to feel you between my tight walls. I want you to suck my tits. I want you to drive into me and send me over the edge. I want straight up hardcore fucking." I tell him with a smirk. "And I want it now."

"Well, at least we agree on something." He tells me with a nod. Derek is still in the same position. His arms are behind him, supporting his upper half. His legs are bent at the knee and scooted up, making him look like he is an M. I have the perfect position, right in the middle.

"Oh Derek." I moan as I put my feet on the floor beside him and crouch down over his cock. I can feel him nestle it against my clit as I get into position. If his cock wasn't so damn big, this probably wouldn't even work right. But he is large. He is so large, he more than tops out. This way he can't go too deep, but he is still getting me, with some restriction.

"Fuck, Mer... Just give it to me." He says as I tease him, rubbing and rocking myself over him. The head of his penis rubs against my clit, making me twitch. "Give me your pussy."

"Oh god, Derek... I have to." I say as I spread my legs and crouch down in the perfect position. It is perfect. It is just like riding a horse. Derek is my wild stallion, and I intend on fucking him until he is tame. I sink onto his stick, letting him fill me up. "Fuck yes..." I say with a sigh as I stay on him, feeling him inside. I am enjoying the moment.

"Okay, Mer... I gave you what you wanted. Now it is my turn. No fucking around. Give me the fuck and give it to me now." He says as thrusts upward into me. I smirk as I rock my hips ever so gently. I love the way his hard pole feels running back to front in my core. It is pushing against my walls with much resistance.

"Oh, Derek... You are the biggest man." I tell him with a smile as I roll my eyes back and start with longer, heavier rocking motion. I am going nice and slow, working him up. I feel him bump my cervix gently. It is too easy for him. He is always bumping my cervix.

"Oh, Mer... You are the tightest little thing. You are so fucking small. I'm ready to cum already." He tells me with a grin as he leans forward. "Slow it down. I don't want to fuck it up yet." He tells me with a nod as he leans forward and takes my nipple into his mouth. He sucks it gently, running his tongue around my delicate tissue. His warm saliva wraps around as he grazes me over and over with his slick tongue. He pulls away, sucking my breast tightly and pulling it taunt before he releases with a sucking noise. "Okay... Faster, fuck me faster." He tells me with a nod.

"Oh god, Derek!" I say loudly as I take a firm grasp of his shoulders and begin pumping. I put my feet in a direct line from my ear, to my shoulder, down the spine and to my ankle in a perfect riding position. I lift my body slightly, feeling Derek's hard cock come out and go back in with every pump.

"Holy shot, Mer!" Derek spits as I go a little quicker. My breasts are thumping, bouncing and swaying with the beat as I ride him and he drives into me. I feel my hair going everywhere as I toss my head in pleasure. "Oh god... Fuck...Mer...Fuck... I'm there. I'm gonna- Fuck...Here...Fuck!" He shouts as he begins shooting his hot seeds in the condom in spurts. At the feeling of his pulsating cock, I feel myself get there. The bastard got there first. He was lucky I was close behind.

"Oh...Oh...Oh...Derek...Oh my fucking...Fuck...Eh...Eh.. Ah... OH THERE IT IS!" I scream as I feel myself drop from the cliff. My head and feet twitch as my nerve ending are teased and awoken. I feel the contractions of my uterus and vagina clamp around his pulsating cock, milking it dry. "Oh..." I moan as I lay my back against his thighs and close my eyes. We are connected in a sexual pleasure that is beyond measure. I should climb off of him, but I can't. I'm too freaking weak. I look through my hooded lids to see Derek's eyes completely shut and his head laying back against the sofa. I think we are both beat.

Derek is not mine. He will never be mine. We are different people. I'm a pessimist. He is an optimist. I am broken. He is sound. We are opposites. I don't ever see anything more than a good fucking. But here is the thing, this is good. It's great even. I think you should enjoy it while it lasts. It doesn't get any better than good, free, hardcore fucking. I wonder if I will always feel this way.

"Are you alive?" Derek asks as he sits up. His motion moves me slightly. He disrupted me. I was relaxing on my Derek lounge chain and he had to go and ruin it. I don't say a word as I feel his body. my legs around him. His cock inside of me. My ass against his thighs.

"Eh." I moan as I open my eyes. I am beat. I feel incredibly weak and shaky. I couldn't control my muscular functions if I tried. "How long were we fucking?" I moan as I lay my head back again.

"Um... Long enough that you are beat. But I have to say, I could go another round in a few." He tells me with a frank nod. My eyes flash open. Is he serious? Okay, something is seriously wrong with this man. It is not normal for a man to aim, fire, and reload so quickly. He has a mutant penis. His balls have mutated. He is something out of the ordinary, that I am sure of.

"You just shot off." I tell him in disbelief as I look up. His penis is still shrinking inside of me. His penis is going from formidable to average. Okay, average is a lie. That fucker is anything but average. But it is smaller than erect, nonetheless. Thank god, because he was stretching me to the brink and beyond.

"I did... But you do that to me." He says with a wink. How he is mustering a wink, I will never know. I can't even move my eyes. A blink, impossible. My uterus and vagina are still contracting and he is talking about doing it again. "So... I know you are ready. Come on..." He tells me as he massages my thighs. His touch is firm enough to relax me more than I already am.

"I think we need to get up and at least leave this room. If my grandma comes in here and catches us fucking, she will never be the same. And quite frankly, neither will I." I admit as I dismount. I use the word dismount because I was mounted on that man-sized dong of his. My shaky legs try to support my weight as I stand.

"I think you are right. Besides, I can watch your ass as we walk down." He tells me with a smirk as he pulls himself to his feet. I can't help but stare at his manhood. He seems so comfortable with himself. There it hangs with the condom still on. One would think it wouldn't be attractive, but damn it is. My cum is all over that bad boy. I caused him pleasure, and he I. The perfect match at the moment.

"There will be no watching of my ass." I tell him smartly as I begin to dress. Derek gives me a look of shock.

"Why are you getting dressed? I will be taking you right back out of those." Derek tells me with a nod. "You are wasting your time."

"I'm not walking to the basement naked. Not through the middle of the house. I don't do that." I tell him in a huff as I pull my shirt over my head.

"You need to get more comfortable with yourself." He tells me with a nod as he grabs my ass tightly. I quickly give him a swat in the arm. Who does he think he is? No one grabs my ass. "I'm just saying..." He added as he grabs his clothes, but doesn't put them on.

"Whoa... What is that?" I ask as I stop in my tracks and sniff the air. Derek gives me a confused look. I continue to sniff. Oh god. This is bad. This is really bad. It's that distinct smell. It is hanging in the air like a fog. It's lingering and potent. That smell, it sex. "Fuck!" I say as I stop in my tracks and look at him.

"What?" Derek asks as he looks at me. He is confused, and I wonder how in the hell he doesn't smell that. How can he not smell the pungent smell of cum and sweat?

"Sex! The room smells like fucking sex!" I shout as I look around in a panic. They will come home and walk into a sex smelling wall. It will knock them on their ass, and they will know. They will all know just what we were doing while they were gone. We are so fucked. Damn him and his horse cock.

"What? No! There isn't-" He stops as he sniffs. By the look on his face, he smells it now. How he couldn't before, I have no idea. "Oh fuck. Yeah, there it is."

"Derek!" I shout as I smack him. "We need to get it out! The smell, we need to get the smell out!" I shout as I look around in a panic. "We need to open the doors. We need to turn the fan on. Fuck!" I yell as I run through the house like a crazy person.

"I'll get the windows and doors. You turn air conditioning on colder and put the fan on." He yells as he goes to work, unlocking windows and using his shirt to push the air out. I quickly rush back in and look at him. I have to laugh, Derek is fanning with his shirt, his bar ass smiling at me and his flaccid cock hanging natural. And to me, that is not natural. That is some funky shit.

"I can't... This is so bad." I say as I rush over to the point of fuck. In other words, the point of origin. I quickly lay down on the floor and begin smelling. Yeah, it's weird, but I have a lot on the line here. I have to sniff to save us both. "Shit... There is- It's on the freaking floor." I say as I jump up and rush to the closet, grabbing the carpet spray. I rush back in, falling to my knees and begin scrubbing.

"You are a little nuts, aren't you?" Derek asks as he walks over and watches. "I mean... It's not that strong."

"Why don't you get your fucking clothes on and shut up! They will be here and the house is hot and cold and smells like your dick!" I shout as I throw the bottle at him. His eyes get wide as it hits him in the chest. "So either help me, or fuck off!" Derek nods his head and drops to his knees. We both scrub the carpeting as waves of hot air from the outside and cold air from the air conditioning run over our bodies.

"I think this is the funniest shit I have ever done." Derek says as he begins to laugh. At first I am irritated, then it hits me. This is funny as hell. We are airing out the house because we stunk it up. Our odor filled every room.

"Your cock smells." I say with a laugh as I look over at him. Derek looks at me and feigns shock.

"No, Mer... That is not my cock. That rotten smell is your pussy." He teases as he takes a whiff. "Damn. You are awfully strong. Oh yeah... I know pussy anywhere." He laughs as he looks over. "But don't worry, you have a sweet smelling pussy. Not fishy. More sweet and nutty."

"Sweet and nutty?" I ask in shock as I look over. "Sweet and fucking nutty? Are you kidding me? Nutty?"

"Don't worry, Mer. It's nice. Unique. It's good." He tells me with a smile and a nod before he goes back to scrubbing the floor. Sweet and nutty. He must be a pussy connoisseur. How would you take that?


	24. 100 Things

I like to tie Derek up. There is something about holding the power that makes me wet. When I say wet, I mean wet. I mean dripping down my pant leg, wet. So Derek, being the great guy he is, has faked sickness. See, the family has some dinner and party to go to. I quite honestly don't even know what it was because I wasn't listening. I do remember that it was somewhere where I didn't want to go. Either way, I made up fake plans and Derek faked illness. All so we could get where we are now. And now it is good. So good.

"What are you going to do to me?" Derek asked as he laid back on the bed with nothing but a smile on his face. Nothing is sexier than a man with nothing else, just a smile. Just a smile and a rock hard cock pointing towards the sky.

"What do you think I am going to do to you?" I ask as I walk towards him. See, I am fully clothed. He is completely naked. It is so good. "Tell me what you think I am going to do?"

"I am hoping that you will fuck the shit out of me." He says with an exuberant nod as I look into his eyes. My hands are behind my back. Never trust a woman who has her hands behind her back. Never.

"Well, I don't think I have the correct parts to fuck the shit out of you." I tell him with a light-hearted giggle. "But I have something even better. Why don't you close your eyes?" I ask with a final smile before his lids close.

"What are you doing?" He asks as he smiles. The boy wouldn't be smiling if he knew just what I was up to. He would be running. The boy would be running so far and fast. His cock would be sore from slapping his legs. He sure as hell wouldn't be hard.

"You'll see. Just- Keep your eyes closed and don't move. No matter what, stay just the way you are.." I tell him as I sneak up to the side of the bed with my rope. I take the big knife out of my pocket and cut a large piece. I slide it around his wrist.

"What the hell?" Derek asks as he looks up, opening his eyes. "Oh... You are going to tie me up." He says with a laugh as he looks at me. By the look on his face, I'm sure it has been done before. But it hasn't been done by me.

"I am. Now close your eyes." I tell him with an evil smirk. If he knew me, he wouldn't be so trusting. He would not be leaving me alone with his cock and no protection. And I don't mean a condom. "Close you eyes until I tell you to open them."

See, most women would cover his eyes. No. I want to see the look in them. I want him to see every painful move as it comes. I can't wait. My veins are pumping madly as I think about what I am going to do to him. No one should get off on inflicting pain. They shouldn't, but I do. I love it. I love it too much. It's probably not natural. I smirk as I tie his limbs up. I tie them tight. There is no escaping this. I have him and he is stuck.

I quickly peel off my jeans and toss them to the side. Derek still has his eyes closed. He is such a good boy. I peel my shirt off and throw it over with my jeans. I made sure I wore my sexiest push-up demi bra. Matching panties. Black. Lacy. It is hot. And when Derek sees it, I am hoping to get a reaction out of him. Not that he can give me much more of a reaction than he already has.

"Okay." I say with a smile as I walk towards him. I will elicit pain. I will make him cry. I love to make him cry. I love to make any man cry.

"Wow." Derek moans as he looks up at me. I am getting a reaction. I smile as I see the pre-cum glistening on his red velvety head. I want to suck it. I want to run my tongue over it and taste his sweet essence. I want to know what it is like. I have never tasted, but I would love to. But I can tell you this... I am not. I am not tasting his little poison juice. I want to live to see tomorrow. I'm not drinking his siph, no way. The funny thing is, if I really thought he had syphilis, I wouldn't be fucking him at all. Alas, I am. So I do not believe he is diseased. "You are... Wow..."

"What do you want, Derek?" I ask with a giggle as I look at him. I want him to beg me. I like it when men beg. In fact, I thrive on it.

"Come ride me, Mer. Take me for a ride..." He suggests as he looked up as me and smirks. I walk over and climb on the bed. I have to play with it. I just have to. I look at his cock and smile. I quickly and gently bat at it, watching it bounce. "Oh that is not nice." He says as I bat at it like a cat with a toy. This is the most fun. If you have never tried it, you really should consider it. It is great bouncy fun. "Don't tease... Teasing is not nice." He warns, not that he can do a thing about it.

"But it so fun. I tell him and I kneel before his large manhood and massage his balls. I love the way they feel, so firm in my hand. They feel perfect in my hand. I can't help but play with them, tickling them gently. His course hair scratching my hands. I look at him and smile. He is enjoying it too much. I grab a pubic hair and tug it.

"Fuck!" Derek squeals as he feels the pain shot through his body. I just pulled a pub out of his ball-sack. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it hurt. "Don't do that!" He begs as he watches me teasing him, getting ready to pull again. I yank another one and smile evilly. "Mother-fucker!" He screams as he thrashes.

"And you think that is bad..." I laugh as I lift up the nipple clamps. Derek looks at me and swallows hard.

"No, Mer... Please... No." Derek begs as he closes his eyes and winces. All in good fun.

"Oh Derek! Don't be a baby!" I tease happily. It is strange that I am happy, but I am, nonetheless. I am a bit of a power monger. I like to be the boss. I like to be in charge. Right now, I am in charge big time.

"Fuck... It's going to fucking hurt! You don't need to do this shit. Come on... Let's just fuck. We can just fuck..." He pleads as he looks at me. See, I told you. Eyes wide open is the way to go. That blindfold stuff is for babies. He can see me coming, and it is great. I am watching a highway of emotions in his eyes. It runs like a movie.

"Calm down." I tell him with a smile as I kneel beside him. I set the clamps down on his abdomen, eliciting a small sigh from him. He thinks I have submitted. I will let him think that for the time being.

I look into those deep blues eyes of his and give him a smirk. He most likely thinks it is peaceful. It it more of a just-wait-I-will-get-you-later, smirk. I lean over him and trail my tongue across his flesh. It's not sweet or salty. It's just flesh. Just plain flesh. I hear his breathing get deeper. He is relaxing, and not panting as he was before. I trail my tongue up his chest and swirl it around one of his tiny nipples. I love nipples. I love to suck them, and I love to play with them. I swirl my tongue around and around, letting out moans of pleasure. His nipples are like little diamonds scraping my tongue. I can feel that Derek is completely relaxed now, and that means it is time to strike.

Derek doesn't seem to notice that I have removed a nipple clamp from his abdomen. He is too wrapped up on my tongue lapping his flesh. I am sweeting the spot to make up for the sour finish that he will soon be getting. I take one last suck, making a loud smacking noise before I pull away. I quickly open the clamp and trail it over. I giggle comes from my lips as I place it on him.

"Mother fucker!" He screams. Now when I say scream, he is screaming. Thank god no one is home. They could be thinking I am killing this man. "What the fuck!" He screams as he thrashes. Damn, it really must hurt. It feels good to me. I grab the other one and slowly place it on. Derek cries out as he looks down at himself. His cock isn't so risen now. I think it gave up on the possibility of action.

"Calm down." I say with a smile as I lick his abdomen. "Just feel it..." I moan as I draw in breaths and trail my tongue over his navel and down his treasure trail of fine hair leading it's way to my own pot of gold.

"I fucking feel it! Do you know what it feels like? It feels like fucking pain! Have you lost your fucking mind?" He screams as he glares at me. My eyes only darken as I continue down, doing my job.

"Feel it in your cock, Derek. Take a deep breath... And feel it in your cock." I tell him as I run my tongue dangerously close to his manhood. I hate this jungle. I should not have to make my way through the jungle to find the big tree. I have to admit, I am not fond of the mossy boulders either. I'm a bit concerned about a hair-ball. That will be something I will concern myself with later. That is an issue for a later date. "Feel it?" I ask as I look into his eyes.

"I feel fucking pain." He tells me as he bores holes into my head. "I feel mother fucking pain. And after this bullshit, you better give me one massive blow job." He tells me with a nod. Him saying that tells me he is relaxing. If he was in severe pain, he would be telling me he was in severe pain. "Oh god..." He gasps.

You bet your ass he is gasping. At the moment, my tongue is lapping his hairy balls. If I wasn't so fucking horny, I wouldn't even be down here. There is something about his hard cock that makes me want to taste it. If he shot a sticky creamy load into my throat, I think I would gladly drink it down like a sweet cream. I gently suck on his large balls, letting my tongue work with the suction. My hand grasps the base of his cock and squeezes just enough to intensify what I am doing.

"Oh yeah, baby... That is it." He tells me with a smile. I can see the pleasure in his eyes. He is enjoying it. I know the nipple clamps only intensify what he is feeling. I give one good long lick right up his shaft before I abandon my post and look at him. "What the hell... Get back to work!" He spits as he thrusts his cock up at me. I shake my head. Way to piss me off. I do this for fun, not for work.

"It's coming..." I tell him with a smile as I run my finger up his chest, swirling it around. I stick my finger in my mouth and trail the wet finger along. "It is coming..." I tell him again as I put my hand on the clamp. I release his painful nipple and quickly put my tongue on it. It was just damaged and deserves some relief. I lick it happily before I release and snap the clamp on again.

"Fuck!" He yells as he thrashes once again. I do it to the other nipple, laughing all the way. I look down at his painful body. I should give him some pleasure. I lean over and grab a condom out of the drawer. Derek closes his eyes as I rip it open and roll it on. I have a sneaking suspicion that he does not trust me. For good reason, I suppose. I look at his iron rod and smile. My mouth is watering for that cock.

"You don't trust me." I say with a smile as I run my tongue over him. He remains silent. He is fearful. He is reserved. He is afraid to show pleasure because I may take it away and give him pain.

I cover the head of his penis, enveloping it in my warm mouth. I love the way it feels. Hard and thick. I hate the taste of the latex, but I must protect myself. You never know, and I am not a risk-taker. I run my tongue over his head, swirling it around and around as I suck gently. My hand goes to work on his balls, massaging them. Their firmness only turns me on. This is what a real man should be like. This is the epitome of the perfect man, his cock so long and thick, his balls round and firm. If the future of our world laid on Derek Shepherd, I have no fear that he could save it. I suck hard as I bob my head, taking in more and more. There is no way I can take it all in from his angle. He is not in the position to fuck my throat, so he will have to deal with what I give him.

Derek lets out moans and mews as I get myself in the angle to take in a touch more. I tease his balls with my long fingers and suck on his glorious dong. He was more than ready to begin with and now he is ready to explode. I feel his begin to pulsate in my mouth. Like a strong heartbeat, his main vein is pumping blood only causing his cock to grow wider and wider, stretching my lips taunt as my only saliva pours from my lips. I suck a little harder, feeling Derek instinctively thrust his hips upward into my mouth. I let out my own moans and I feel my own wetness seeping through my black panties making a remarkably sized wet spot in the middle. As I go along, I feel the tension growing.

"Oh god... Fuck, Mer!" He yells as he thrusts harder and faster into my tight lips. I let out panting moans and gasps as I try to breathe. Derek grunts several times before he does one final thrust, releasing himself into pleasure. I feel the hot spurts filling the condom as I rest my mouth on it, feeling the power of his manhood. "Oh thank you... Fuck... That was amazing. You have a wonderful cock sucking mouth." He moans as he lays his head back and closes his eyes. I smile. That was just the beginning. In just a little while, he will be crying again. Crying in pleasure, crying in pain.

I smile as I watch him lay there, coming down from his high. Soon enough, he will be getting it good. Soon enough, I will be making him scream again. I know that he is enjoying himself right now. At the moment, he is basking in the euphoria that is his intense orgasm gave him. I'm wet, and I am ready, but I still need to give him some more torture before I can go on. I need to tease him just a bit more.

"Damn, Mer... That was rough, but I think it was worth it." He tells me with a laugh as he looks at me. "That was the best blow job I have ever had." He moans as he lays there and closes his eyes. "So... How about you untie me and you let me have a round?" He asks with a grin.

I love his enthusiasm. I think he actually believes that I am going to let him have his way. I love that he is up for anything, even when it could cause him pain. He could have overtaken me if he wanted to, but he chose not to. Maybe because whoever tied him up before had been gentle. He has decided to me a good submissive and lay there for me. A smile crosses my face as I stand at the foot of the bed. He really thinks I will let him have control. He thinks I will let him take over. I will never let him take over. Not ever.

"That doesn't sound like much fun to me." I pout as I bend down and grab my riding crop. I stand at the foot of the bed in my black lace demi bra and matching panties. The swell of my breasts is rising and falling with every breath. I run my tongue over my plump lips and and run the smooth leather down my leg. As I trace my thigh, I give myself a good hard smack on the leg. I feel the immediate sting on my flesh as my nerve endings feel the pain that has licked them. "I think what we are doing is so much more fun than that."

"Oh god, Mer... Not again." Derek gasps as he tries to put his legs together to protect himself. Life that will help. Parts of him stick up and I can easily grab them no matter how hard he tries to protect himself.

"Calm down, Derek... I'm not going to grab your dick." I tell him with a giggle as I look down. "I may give it a good hard smack..." I joke as I run my fingers over his shaft, teasing gently. I run the leather from his ample balls to his head, swirling around his sensitive tip.

"If you do that... We are done. If you hit my cock with that thing, you will not live to see tomorrow." He says frankly. I think he is serious. He looks serious. Honestly, I would never strike his poor cock with the crop. Not yet. That would be something I would do if he really deserved torture.

"Relax... I am not going to hit your cock with the hip." I tell him as I shimmy up his hard body and straddle his thighs. "I wouldn't do that. Not unless you pissed me off." I tell him with a frank nod as I look into his eyes.

"I don't trust you." He breathed as he closed his eyes and drew in his abdomen. The feeling of the cold leather is getting to him. Not so much the touch itself, but the knowledge of what it truly means and holds.

"Then maybe I shouldn't even try to gain your trust..." I muse as I run the crop around his balls. He winces, and I am fairly certain he has no idea what to say. No matter what he says, it won't change me.

"No! No... I mean... Just do what it is you came to do." He finally breathes passively.

I now have him where I want him. I lean forward, feeling his cock on my belly. I love the feeling of his cock on my belly. I love the feeling of his cock, period. I gently kiss his chest, swirling my tongue around aimlessly. I gently nudge the nipple clamps with my face, feeling him draw in a breath and moan in pain. I decide to be merciful and release him from his pain. I gently pull the slip off and toss it to the side. His nipple is red and swollen. I run my tongue over it, trying to soothe it gently. I follow the same procedure with the next, tasting the metal clamp on his flesh and possibly a tinge of blood.

"You poor thing." I tell him with a smile as I lick gently. A smile grows on Derek's face but quickly fades. He has learned that he can't show me. When he shows me, I give him the alternative. I have conditioned him to be this way. In such a short time I have molded him. "You have been good... So good."

"I have... I've been good." He tells me with an exuberant nod as he looks over my body. He is wanting a taste. I scoot my ass up and rest on his cock. He is in a semi-flaccid state, most likely because he was afraid to let it rise. "Oh god yeah..." He moans as I rub my panty-clad pussy against his cock, feeling it quickly rise.

"That is not being a good boy." I tease, knowing he can't stop himself. It is a natural reaction, and yet, I want to get him for it. "Too bad I can't... You want it so badly..."

"Just fuck me... Quit being a bitch and just fuck me!" He spits nastily. It's quite obvious that Derek hates me teasing him. Normally I would get bad, but it is deserved.

"A bitch, huh?" I say as I run the crop along his chest. "A bitch?" I ask again as the leather runs down his chiseled chest. "A bitch?" I ask as i raise the crop up and sting his flesh with my whip. "Who is the bitch now?" I ask as I look down at the generous sized welt on his chest. "I a not a bitch!" I shout as I raise it again, stinging his flesh. "Do you hear me?"

"I'm sorry! You're not! I'm sorry!" Derek cries out as he looks up at me. "I'm sorry. You are the boss. You are not a bitch. I'm sorry!" He begs as he looks into my eyes. I gently trace the crop along him and look down at his red marks.

"Are you going to be a good boy?" I ask as I rock my hips and grind my wet pussy against him. He lets out moans as he feels the sensations coming over him. It is so close and far at at once. Just a tiny bit of fabric keeping us apart.

"I will be whatever you want me to be." He moans me as he looks up. I quickly take a bite of his little nipple, my teeth squeezing it tightly. I can feel him wince and attempt to pull away. "I'll make you cum! I will!" He tells me quickly.

"That is ahhh..." I moan with a nod as I look down at him. He smiles, grateful that I am not inflicting pain on him once again. "Will you do it again? Are you going to be bad again?" I ask him. A loaded question. I scoot back onto his thighs and look down at his cock. He looks at his cock and looks at me. I take his balls in my firm grasp and smile and evil smile. I love how plump and firm they are, but I am not pond of the moss. Not at all.

"Only if you want me to." He says smugly. "I am what you want me to be. I do what you want me to." He knows just what to say. That is to my satisfaction. I want it as badly as he does. I quickly trace his large vein and rub my thumb around the head of his penis. I smear the pre-cum around. He has pre-came over and over and I have not let him complete the job. I lean over and grab a condom off of the table. I tear it open and peel it out. He watches intently as I roll it on.

"Do you really want this?" I ask as I look into his eyes.

"I deserve whatever punishment you want to give." He says with a nod, his cock begging, my pussy dripping. "You are my boss."

"Then fuck me, Derek! Fuck me hard!" I say frankly as I look at him. "I will fuck you, but you have to fuck me.." I tell him as I hover above him. Derek musters up the strength to pull himself slightly off the bed.

I slowly sink as he moves up. I feel his thick cock fill my void. I spread my thighs farther, making room for him. I lay my legs on the sides of his. I rock forward and backward on him, loving the way he feels. I wish he wasn't so damn big. I can't take it all in and I hate it. I close my eyes and throw my head back feeling him spreading my walls. I let out a whimper as I feel his huge member pressing against my cervix. This is my pain. My torture.

"How do you like that?" He asks as he thrusts upward into me, causing me pain. He can only get his ass off the matters by a few inches, but he is making it work.

"Oh god..." I spit, feeling the pain ripping through my body. "Oh god... Right there!" I shout more to myself than him as I grind my pussy against his cock staying up just far enough. I rock round and round on his big dong, thankful it is mine. I can't go fast enough to suit myself. I am sweating and shaking as my body becomes fatigued.

"Oh come on! Come on..." I beg as I fuck him frantically, ready to feel him release. I need that release. I am chasing the endorphins. "Oh god, oh god!" I cry out as I bounce over and over again. I clench my jaw and squeeze my inner muscles, stimulating him. I hear him let out a loud groan at the added tightness. I am holding my breath. Forever chasing it. I don't want to miss it.

"You are a bad little girl. And after this... I am... Fuck!" He spits as he feels himself ready to cum. I can tell by the clenched jaw and red face that he is ready to blow. "You are getting it!" He warns as I started pumping harder and harder, letting out quiet moans. I am shaking and mewing in ultimate satisfaction.

"Oh god... Oh god! Thank you! Right... Keep that up!" I beg as I continue my same motion. I feel myself on the edge. One more rock and I am there. The pleasure is there as it hits. "Oh god... There... Oh my... Oh my... Oh...GOD!" I cry out as my walls contract violently and my vagina and uterus follow suit. My cum releases and floods his cock, slipping down onto his balls. I am juiced and pulsating as the sweat runs down my back. I have worked so hard.

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck yes!" He spits as he shoots his seeds into the condom. I sit aboard his iron stick and look down at him. His eyes are glazed over. So are mine. It was good. So good. But it is never over. Now I must let him stew.

"I uh... Need a drink." I tell him as he climb off of him. He looks at me in shock as I slide a tee shirt over my head.

"Where are you going?" He yells as I walk out the door. I can't help but smile.

"Getting a drink." I tell him as I go up the stairs. I am barely able to make it up the stairs. I am dying, I am fatigued. I am shaky and weak.

bI haven't left here yet, but I'm trying

I'm still tied to the bed, can you come here?

When you come would you please bring a knife

cause she is larger than life and I'm frightened./b

"Mer! Mer... You need to untie me!" He yells loudly. "Mer... Can you hear me? Meredith Grey? You can't- Come down here and untie me. Please!" He cries out loudly in desperation. Untie him? Yeah right...

**b100 things you should have done in bed**

**but you never had the chance to try them.**

**100 things you should have done in bed**

**but you never had the chance to try them./b**

"Meredith! I'm not kidding. I need out of here. the ropes... They hurt. Please, let me out. Quit fucking around. This isn't funny... PLEASE?" He begs. I hear him as I take a sip of my water. His voice is weak. He is dying. The poor boy.

**bAt least the dog has a smile on its face**

**I'm drained and I'm dry an' I'm sore, it's not that bad.**

**She could be here all the time, it would kill me.**

**I think I've been broken in two and I can't scream./b**

"Please..." I can imagine him whimpering. Like I said... Poor boy.

**100 things you should have done in bed**

**but you never had the chance to try them.**

**100 things you should have done in bed**

**but you never had the chance to try them./b**


	25. Cry

I love it. I am in my grandparent's kitchen and I am in a tee shirt. I am sitting in a tee shirt after the very dirty things that I did with Derek. Do you see the point? I am sitting here in a tee shirt sipping water after fucking my fuck buddy in my grandma's home. This is a big deal. I actually think their are rules against this. Thou shalt not fuck in thine grandparents home using ropes and whips. Yep, I think I read that somewhere. I hope they didn't. I am a very bad girl. Oh so bad.

"Mer..." I think I hear him say. If I do, it is faint. I think he may have screamed his voice right out. I am sure it is gone for awhile. I think he may be traumatized. I really think he is.

I guess I could go back down there and get him, but quite honestly, I'm a bit afraid. I maybe should run when I untie him. I think there is a small chance that he will come after me. I think I maybe be in for it. I think I may cut an run. No, better yet, I will untie one and let him get the rest while I run like hell. That is what I must do.

I walk coyly down the stairs. When I get there, he is either going to be damaged or he will be pissed. Or maybe both. I just know that Derek is a very big man and he can easily overpower me. I have so screwed myself. I mean, I'm really not sure what he is going to do to me. Even if I run, he will get me eventually. They always do. They always do, and right now, I am looking into his eyes. Yep, he will try.

"That was fucking wrong." Derek growls as he lays there. He is looking rough. Everyone looks rough post-coital, but this is different. He is looking really rough. Those dark curls are a mess. His cock is tired and limp. And he body has the sheen of sweat over his chest. I'm not sure if it is from pleasure or the stress from fighting the ropes.

"Oh, Derek... You know you like it." I tease as I stand there. They say that guys find women in tee shirts incredibly sexy. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I know that I am not banking on it to save me. "You had fun..." Now I am just hoping he says yes and not, you crazy bitch, you tried to kill me.

"Just untie me." He spits angrily as he looks up at me. I sigh. I do need to untie me. I think there are laws against this. This is some kind of imprisonment, I am sure of it.

"Okay." I say with a nod. I screwed him up. I seriously did. He has red marks. He has welts. Little red welts from the popper of the crop. You can tell that I beat the shit out of him. Fucking domestic violence charges too. Domestic violence and imprisonment. Damn, I think I could go away for a long time. You know what I think... I think that men and woman prisons may be a good idea. I mean, everyone is happier when they are sexed up. I guess I will suggest that when I go. Or maybe I will just accept conjugal visits. Do you think Derek would visit? Not anymore. I highly doubt it now.

"Thank you." He says as if he is fed up with me. I guess I feel a little bad about it. I mean, he is fed up. Like he hates me. He is infuriated. Damn, I think I went too far. I can't even look at him. It honestly was in good fun.

"Okay..." I say as I walk to the corner of the bed. We have this perfect bed with a head and footboard. it is perfect for tying men up and having your way with them. You know, if Derek doesn't like it, maybe there is a guy that does. I stand at the corner and look at it. As I trace the line of the rope, I see his wrist. He was fighting hard. Hard enough that his wrist are torn to shit. My eyes travel down his hard body and to his feet. The same thing. There is no hiding this. I really screwed up. "There you go." I tell him as I release the rope and look at him like fearful animal.

"What do you mean?" He asks as he moves his arm and goes to work on the other one.

"I'm running. I am fucking running." I tell him frankly. I run. You bet your ass I run. I am not fucking getting caught up in Derek's hailstorm. I'm afraid of Derek at the moment. Right now, I can only imagine him beating my ass. Hell, if I were him, I would choke me. I quickly run, feeling the plush carpet under my feet. It feels great, and I can't even believe I am noticing it. I can't believe it, because all I should be thinking about is the mammoth that is on my ass. Or will be soon.

I rush into my room. I slam the hard wood door as quickly as I can. I flip the lock and sigh. I escaped. I actually made it. I got away from the big beast. I run over to the bed and jump on it. The blankets whoosh as I land, burying my face in the pillows. I wonder if people will even notice that I am living in here. Do you think they will wonder what happened to Meredith?

"Mer..." I hear him say as he knocks on the door. I am not getting up and getting that door. No freaking way. He will kill me. I know he will kill me. "Open the door."

"No way." I say frankly. And it is a no way. "I want to live." I mutter as I lay my head back.

"Come on, Mer... It's okay..." Derek tells me softly. I don't know whether or not to trust him. Hell, if he is nothing like me, I should not trust him. "It's okay... I'm not mad. Just... Open the door. It's fine. Really... It is." I swallow hard as I look at it. He sounds genuine.

"Okay." I say softly as I walk over to the door. Will I regret this?

I place my hand on the door handle. I am going to regret this. I know I will. I can feel it in my bones. Every nerve ending is firing at a rapid pace. He is going to get me. I contemplate not opening the door. See, the thing is, I know he will wait. They always wait. He is going to pop in at some point and give me what is coming to me. I have a lot coming to me. You don't do what I did and get nothing in return.

"Mer... You aren't opening the door." Derek says softly. I have a feeling he is a deceiver. He is coy, but at the same time, he is bold. I need to open the door. I need to.

"I am." I say softly as I turn the handle. Her goes nothing. I mean, anything could happen. Anything could come of this. He would be well within his rights to beat my ass. I hope he won't hit a woman. I obviously have no problem hitting a man. "I'm-" I start as the door parts. Derek quickly shoves it open and grabs my shoulders.

"You're what?" He asks as he forces me to walk backwards towards the bed. I am so close to tripping and tumbling down it's not even funny. Derek is shoving me hard. He is showing his power. He is strong. He is strong and he is taking control. "You're ready to get fucked? You're ready to get it so hard and deep it comes out of your mouth?" He asks as he pushes me hard and I fall on the bed on my back. "That is what you are getting." He tells me frankly.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Really, I didn't." I tell him as I look into his deep blue eyes. It's a lie. I did mean it. In fact, at this moment, I am wishing I had hit him much harder. He deserved a few more smacks if I knew he was going to do this.

"Oh... You meant it. I can see it in your eyes." He growls as he hovers his body over mine. I can still see the welts all over him. His body is a wreck. His wrists are damaged. He is a mess. "You fucking meant it. And I mean this." He tells me as he holds my wrists down while he supports his weight.

Derek presses his lips against mine. This hurts me. I hate it. It is painful. It is an emotional pain that has turned into a physical one. I feel his tongue snaking it's way around my mouth. It is like a painful infiltrate as he scrapes across my teeth. I have told him I don't like this, and apparently he doesn't care. I wonder if he really knew how much it hurt, if he would stop. I have a feeling he wouldn't. We are just fuck buddies. He cares about me as much as I care about him. In other words, not at all.

"How was that?" He asks with a grin. I actually think he enjoyed it. I think maybe he even thought I enjoyed it.

"Fuck you, Derek!" I spit as I look into his eyes. I can't keep looking. "You are a fucking cock-sucker. If I had known... I would have hit you harder." I growl.

"Well, I'm going to hit you hard right now." He tells me with and evil laugh as he hovers his naked and hard body over my tee shirt clad one. I can feel his breath upon my neck. I can feel the anger radiating off of him. I just want to make him madder.

"Hit me, Derek. I like being hit. Hit me as hard as you can, you prick. I can handle whatever you have." I laugh in his face as I look up at him. He has me pinned so tightly, I couldn't move if I tried. I watch him laugh heartily as he takes both of my wrists in one hand and holds them above my head. I can feel the pain in my shoulder as he wrenches it out of place. Derek uses his other hand to spread my legs.

"You are going to get hit, baby." He laughs as he swipes his fingers through my slit, feeling my growing wetness. I am turned on, but at the same time, I am upset. I feel like he is taking over. He is taking over, but I am not sure I want him to. I can't submit.

"You don't have a condom on." I say as I looked up at him. His thick hard cock is unsheathed and unspoiled.

"No, I don't. You're lucky I'm clean," He tells me with a smile. "You are the only girl I fuck without a rubber. You should feel so lucky!" He shouts.

Derek drives his thick hard cock into my core. I let out a gasp at his hasty entrance. It hurts. It feels like I am being torn in two. I can hear him groan as he pushes into my tiny core and rams my cervix. I am so hurt and mad. I turn my head to the side and close my eyes. I can't look at him. I did have it coming, but he didn't have to kiss me. I can't deal with him. I will just lay here and take it. I have gotten so good at that.

"You are so fucking tight." He moans as he pulls his long shaft out and slides it back in. I spread my legs further, making it easier for him. He releases my arms and then traps them back down when I lay them to the sides. He is holding the power as his mouth moves to my chest. I can feel him sucking me hard on the delicate flesh of my neck. He is leaving marks. Marks like I left on him, but he is being much gentler. "Have you always been such a little fucking bully?" He groans as he quickens his pace. I feel his chest glide over mine. My hard nipples are dragging on his hard flesh, getting more and more stimulated with every thrust.

"Fuck... Oh god... Yes!" I shout as I feel my body tightening down. My abdomen is getting taunt and starting to ripple in anticipation. "Oh god, yes... Harder, Derek." I beg, knowing it will cause me pain.

"I know you fucking liked it!" He shouts as he drives into me, gripping my wrists so tightly that they sting. I feel his veiny member begin to pulsate as it slide in and out, a layer of my wetness covering it. It feels so amazing without the condom, although I would never admit it to him. "You like it...You like a good hard one. You need a hard one. You should always spread your legs when I tell you to." He spits.

Derek leans down and kisses my lips. I quickly turn away, feeling the pecks on my cheek. Derek turns his head and forces his mouth on mine again. I feel the tears well up as he plays gently with my tongue. I try to pull away, but he continues. I finally think about the cock. His long hard member continually gliding in perfect harmony. I close my eyes and begin to feel it grow even more than it already was.

"Oh..." I moan as I feel my walls clamp down on him, making it increasingly harder to slide in a out. Derek lets out grunts of his own as he drives his member deep inside. "Oh... Oh god... Oh god... It's there. Right there- There!" I shout as I feel the waves coming over me. My uterus and vagina pulsate around him as he continues on.

"Oh god, Mer... Mer... Mer..." He cries out as he began to throb. I feel him quicken in a last stitch effort to let loose. "Oh god..." He gasped as he shoots his hot seeds into my core. A spurt at a time, washing my walls with his sticky white cum. I lay there, feeling our fluids mixing and pouring out of me. "Good... So good." He says as he collapses down onto me. I close my eyes. I have to keep the tears from coming out.

I can't cry in front of him, but I want to so badly. I can't cry. I cannot cry. I have trained myself to hold it in. I have trained myself to keep it from escaping when it wasn't supposed to. I quickly turn my head to the side as he pulls out. I hear him talking happily. He thinks life is grand, and I think it is hell. Right now, he has broken me. It's not him. It's not that I care about him. It is that he pushed me when I told him not to.

"That was good." Derek says for the dozenth time. Maybe it was good for him. It was good for me. The sex was rough. I like rough sex. I have never been one to deny or refuse rough sex. It was the kissing that got me. "Was it good?" Derek asks as he turns towards me. I know he is turning towards me because I can feel the bed move. I am naked in this bed. I don't like him to see me naked. He will spot and think about all my imperfections. I want out, but I am not sure I can get out.

"I need a shower." I say frankly as I climb out of bed. I grab one of the throws on a chair in my room and wrap it around myself. I need to get into that shower quickly. It is the only place I feel safe. I need it like I need air. I am addicted to the shower.

"I'll join you." Derek says happily as he bounds out of bed. I guess he doesn't realize what he did. I can't really blame him for what he has no knowledge of. He only did what he thought I deserved. He only pushed as far as I pushed him, only much less.

"No." I tell him as I walk into the bathroom. "By myself." I add as I shut the door in his face and lock it. I can't cry yet. Not yet. I have to wait until I get in there. I quickly drop the blanket and watch as it pools on the floor. Blankets pool. Tears pool. I peel my tee shirt and bra, tossing them aside. I turn on the water and watch as steam pours out. That is when you know it is just right.

I open the glass shower door and step in. The water is hot. It is extremely warm. I feel the heat lick my skin as I walk in. I am not in here to bathe. I am in here to do what I always do. I am in here to cry. I look at the water, feeling it pour down my face. At that moment, it is safe to let loose. When I cry in here, no one can hear me. I am free to be myself. I am free to feel my pain without judgement. I sob heavily as I hold myself. Self soothing. I have never had anyone to soothe me. I have to self-soothe.

Pain has a way of taking over. It spreads like a vine. It is a disease that gets in and refuses to leave. I have a lot of pain inside of me. So much that it has taken over and taken away the person I used to be. I am certain that I was supposed to be someone else. I think I mutated at some point. It was classic conditioning. The events in my life molded and shaped me into what I am. They changed me forever, and even with a fight, I cannot get back to who I once was. And I wonder if anyone knows me. Is there anyone around that remembers the original Meredith. They are so used to me, that they forgot that I once was a good person.

Life changes you. everything that you do, affects you. You can walk through like I do and pretend it isn't true, but it is. The little insignificant things have a way of becoming significant. There are things that you do and you never ever realize that you do them. There are big things that you do, that you dwell on and they don't even matter. And then there are the things that change others. Things that you do that may shake them to their core and change them forever. There are things that you do. Big things. Life altering things. Hurtful thing. And then there are unforgivable things.

I sob as the tears slide down the drain. It feels so good to get them out. The loud water cascading over my body. I turn it hotter. It needs to burn my flesh. I like to feel the pain. I deserve the pain of the hot water. I deserve something for all that is wrong in the world. I have to keep doing it. I have to keep turning up the hot water and burning myself as I cry. I rock. Rocking seems to help me. I rock and I burn.

There comes a time when you have to pull yourself together. For me, it is when that door opens. I open the door and I walk out with a face of stone. I pretend that life is livable and I lock away my pain in there. I let a bit of the poison that is my tears leak out and wash down the drain. Enough to maintain the levels and the balance of life. I will say that soap got in my eyes. That is why they are red. Soap. I look down at myself. I am beet red from the water. It gives me red blotches it is so hot. I never realize it is that hot. I have come to enjoy and accept the pain.

I quickly look down, realizing I have nothing to wear. I wrap the throw around my wet naked body and open the door. I don't see Derek and I am grateful. I rush into my room, shutting and locking the door. This time, I will not answer it. This time, I am in here for the night. I want nothing to do with anyone. I just want my pain. I need to cover my body and embrace it. I will be fine. I just need these moments of pity and self hate to get me through.

I pull on a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt. I never dried my hair. I will let the air dry it. I pull back the covers on my bed and lay my head on the pillow. The water from my hair quickly soaks into the pillow making it cold and wet. I pull the covers up to my shoulders and close my eyes. I will just tell them I don't feel good. You would think they would wonder why I am always tired and always sick. You would think.


	26. The Quarry

My birthday is coming. I hate my birthday. I hate it. I seriously wish that everyone would forget it. I think a lot of people say they hate their birthday, but they don't. It's just something to say. Another year older. All of that. That isn't what it is for me. I mean, I hate getting older. I want to forever remain a child. At least children are safe. Although, I truly was not. I hate the day. It was the day I was born. Probably the worst day of my life. Thinking about it makes me sick. Everyone's focus is on me, and I wish it was off of me. I would like to disappear into the wall.

The day I was born was a nice day. Hot, I guess. Really hot. My mother suffered. Over twenty-four hours of labor. She suffered all right, although I am fairly certain she deserved it. She was busy at the time. She was born to be a surgeon. I was just something that got in her way. I swear she popped me out and just left me laying there. I am still laying there. Cold. Scared. Alone. I hate that day. It makes me an emotional wreck. I wish it would never come. I wish it would go away forever.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asks as he walks up. That annoyed me. It shouldn't, but it does. It does because I am thinking about that day and I can't tell him that because it upsets me. And I wouldn't tell him anyhow.

"Nothing." I say as I roll my eyes. I was thinking about how if that day disappeared, I would disappear. If I disappeared, I wonder if anyone would miss me. I think about it. If I were gone. I think about what people would do if I died. It's one of my emotional moments. I actually cry. Maybe they should suffer the way I have. I'm too chicken. I couldn't. No matter how badly I want to, I never will.

"You were definitely thinking about something." Derek points out as he looks over at me. I avoid eye contact. I'm not looking at him. I can't.

"What's going on?" Mark asks as he comes in. I am leaning against the counter, trying to look away. Trying to look down.

"What does Mer look like when she thinks?" Derek asks with a chuckle as he talks to Mark. I am in that comfortable zone.

"Oh... Like this." Mark says. I look up and see him staring off into space. He definitely hit the nail on the head. I was thinking. I was deep in thought.

"Yep, she was thinking." Derek says with a smile. "I'm just not sure what she was thinking about..."

"I told you! Nothing. Can't you leave it the fuck alone?" I snap as I look at him. "God."

"Whoa, Mer. Calm down." Mark says in shock. Mark and Derek exchange a look. I see it. I see the look. I don't like that look. It is as if they are thinking about me. Thinking about what I am doing or thinking. I hate that shit.

"I am calm. I am so freaking calm." I tell them as I draw in a breath. "What is going on in my head. It's nothing. No big deal. You just need to not worry about it. I was thinking about how hot it is. That's all." I mumble as I close my eyes.

"Hot... Yeah, it is. You guys should go to the quarry." She suggests as she looks at us. Of course the boys are interested. Me? Not so much.

"The quarry?" I ask as I turn up my nose. "We don't need to go to the quarry. It is cold. And deep. And- No." I grumble. I don't need to parade my ass around in a bathing suit. I would rather sit here and grumble.

"Oh... Come on, Mer. Let's go. The quarry... It will be fun." Derek says with a big smile. "Come on... Please?" When you look into those blue eyes, you get sucked in. You have to go. I take in a deep breath. Okay. Going to the quarry with two guys. That sounds like fun. Actually, it sounds like trouble.

"Fine..." I say as I shake my head. Why am I appeasing them? Oh yes... Those damn blue eyes and that pathetic little frown. He is a pouter. I have to admit, he is an adorable pouter. "We will go. But I'm not sure why." I say with a frown as I look at them both.

"Because it is fun." They tell me happily. "We'll get the towels and stuff. You go get ready." Mark says with a smile. I swear he is bounding around like a young kid. He is so excited.

I grab my bikini and frown. I never wear the thing. Any pudge that I have is right there to be noticed. I don't want to parade around in front of everyone. I would much rather hide my body. I slide on the white bikini and pull on a shirt and a pair of jeans. I said I would go. I never said I would swim.

--

Driving with boys is crazy. Boys are nuts. But what is worse than boys? A crazy girl. I like to drive fast. I like to be daring. I'm that girl, squeezing in and out of traffic. It isn't because I'm impatient... Well, who am I kidding. I'm impatient as hell. It is mostly because I like the challenge. And the hour drive to the quarry? I like to cut that at least by half. That is how I do it. And the boys just egg me on. I guess they like to stare death in the face. I know I do.

"Holy shit, Mer." Derek says as he shakes his head. "I was thinking we were going to die." He said with a nod as he pull into the stone lot. There is actually no one here. Sometimes it is packed, but not today.

"We were close." I joke as I look over at him. He looks hot in a slightly tight Hollister tee shirt. It shows the definition of his muscles like nothing I have ever seen. His swim shorts are equally hot, and his cock is semi flaccid, but I am sure it is making it's way up.

"Why didn't you just wear your bathing suit?" He asks as he opens his door. I look at him and roll my eyes.

"Oh yes." I scoff as I open my own door. "I am not just walking around in my bathing suit. And I am definitely not driving in it."

"Why the hell not... It's hot." Mark says nonchalantly. Sometimes guys don't think. I mean, I think about my body. One would assume that guys are always looking. I am always looking. And Mark and Derek act like it is nothing. I'm assuming it's because Mark and I are friends, and Derek is just a fuck buddy. To them, it is nothing.

"Because I don't." I tell them grumpily as I open the back of the Jeep. Mark and Derek grab the cooler and I grab the towels. This place is primitive. They have one soda machine and one snack machine. Generally if you want something good, you bring it yourself.

"How many?" The guy asks as he walk up. As if it wasn't obvious. I mean, three of us walk up. Do we have a forth stuck in the cooler to evade the four dollars that will break up if we have to pay it.

"Three." I snap as I looked at him. He gives me a puzzled look. The man is thinking. Wheels are spinning.

"Two guys and a girl?" He asks. What the hell does that mean? I look up at him. As if we can't be all friends. As if we have to be fucking because we have the parts to do so. I mean, seriously talk about judgement here. Where does he come from? And I actually thought he was semi-hot in his polo shirt and blonde locks.

"Um... Yeah. Me and my two fuck buddies. That's it." I tell him with a smile as I hand him exactly twelve dollars. He looks at me in shock. I'm not sure if he believes me or not. "So... Thanks." I tell him as I walk away. I think he is still stunned. Chew on that, sucker.

"So you guys are my fuck buddies." I tell them as I amble over to a spot in the shade. they are in the sun, but I like the shade. I don't need to get cancer before I'm thirty. A little bit of sun is good, but I burn like a crazy woman and sex when sun burned is no good.

"What?" Mark asks in shock as he looks up. "What did you say?"

"Fuck buddies. That ass was getting funny about shit. I set him straight. I told him that we were fuck buddies." I giggle as I look at Mark's shocked face. I think he really is shocked.

"You did not..." He says in disbelief. He doesn't believe me. He really doesn't. I nod my head yes and look over at Derek.

"Hell yes." He says with a big grin. I knew he would love it. I can tell that he is proud. He loves sex and he isn't afraid to tell anyone. I think he would parade around, showing everyone his manhood. Or at least wear an "I like fucking" shirt. "Did you really?"

"I did." I tell him with a nod as I sit back. I grab a bottle of water and take a long drink.

"You're not a mushroom, you know. You could come out into the sun." Derek says with a smile as he looks over. They are both watching me. Am I supposed to do tricks now? I guess I should at least stand on my hands.

"She is a mushroom. She's a fungus." Mark teases as he sit there. "And I am getting in the water." Mark says as he pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it to the side.

"Don't hit your head. It's not deep everywhere." I say frankly as he pulls his shoes off. "I would hate for you to join the other three that have died in there."

"Funny." Mark says as he looks over at me. I shake my head as I look up at him.

"I'm serious. Three people have died here that I know about. It is deep." I say with a shrug. How deep, I am not sure, but I know it is a lot. I know that you can't easily swim to the bottom.

"Nice." Mark yells as he bounds off and takes a flying leap into the clear water. Stupid fuck. I would have at least looked where I was diving. Apparently he was okay, because I see his head pop up from the middle of the quarry.

"So... Come on." Derek says as he stands up and pulls of his shirt. I draw in a breath. I look at that chest. The perfect chest, glowing in the bright sunlight. I look around. There are other people here. Other bitches looking at Derek. That bothers me. It shouldn't, but damn-it, it does.

"You go ahead. I will in a bit." I tell him as I close my eyes and lay back. Derek shrugs his shoulders and pulls his shoes off. I hear his toss them to the side and then hear him run off. I don't want to swim. I don't like it. I am not comfortable here. Not at all.

"Come on, Mer!" I hear them yell for me. I don't want to. They can swim. I am more than happy sitting laying here in the grass.

"Later!" I yell as I rest my head on my arms. Later as in never. I hear them over and over again, yelling for me. I ignore. Ignoring is the best way to go when it comes to boys. I thought it was. I really did. I did until I felt their hands on me. "What the fuck!" i shout as they lift me off the ground.

"You're going swimming." Derek yells as they begin running to the water, carrying me by the hands and feet. Oh hell no.

I really can't believe he is pulling this shit. I don't think he will go through with it. The wrath of Meredith is far too great. I can't see him willingly risking his life. Only a fool would do that. Or so I thought. I think we are getting closer to the water. They are running and I am bouncing. I can't fight with two strong hands on my hands and feet. I am stuck.

"Derek... Mark... You rotten bastards! You better set me down! Put me down!" I shout as I look up at him. I can feel the tension on my limbs. It actually hurts a little. I see people laughing and pointing. When I get out of this water, I will take off of their stupid asses out. They will rue the day they laughed at Meredith Grey. "Come on, you assfucks. Let me go!" I scream. But now, I am accomplishing the one thing I did not want to accomplish. I am getting more attention attention. The twenty or so people that are here are all looking at me. I'm sure they are either thinking that these boys are assholes or the girl is nuts. Either way you look at it, we are freaks.

"Let you go?" Derek asks loudly. "Okay. Let her go, Mark." Derek yells loudly as they launch me. They both swing back and toss me as hard as they can into the quarry. I can't believe it. I can't believe they did it.

"No!" I shout as I am in mid-air. I hate them. I hate them both. Rotten jerks.

I hate swimming. I don't like being in the water. And now, I am in it. The icy cold water is a shock to my system. I can't breathe, not that I could breath under water anyway. As I stay in the water, I wonder what to do. Sink or swim? I am pretty far under water. The force of my body weight has made me sink fairly deep. Sink or swim. I let go. I don't do either. I let my body go loose and let come what may.

I feel the sun hit my face as my head bobs to the surface. I always float. This isn't the first time I have played the sink or swim game. I never sink, even when I want to. I look around, trying to find Derek or Mark. I hate them for doing it. It hurt me. I asked them not to, and they did it anyway. I know people saw it all. I see the big floating wooden raft to my left. I think I will hide out under that for awhile.

As I hold on to the bottom of the raft, I feel the tears stinging my eyes. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this water. I don't want to be here at all. I hate them for hurting me. I hate them for forcing me out of my comfort zone. I begin to sob loudly as I hide. I never want to go out. I will stay here forever.

"What are you doing?" Derek asks as he swims underneath the raft. "Are you crying?" He asks as he looks into my eyes.

"No!" I spit as I look at him. "It's the water. The water irritated my eyes." I growl as I look away. I'm sure he heard me sob, but I don't care. I choose to deny. I will pretend that I am doing nothing.

"Okay..." He says sadly as he looks at me. I think he actually regrets it, although I am not sure. It's hard to tell with Derek. He is an arrogant ass. He doesn't seem to care about anyone. Or anything.

"I hate you!" I shout as I punch him in the arm. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" I yell as I pound his chest.

"Whoa!" Derek spits as he grabs my hands. "Why the anger... You came to swim. We were just getting you into the water." He tells me as we float under the raft. I'm pissed, but at the same time, it is typical for boys to be that stupid. "You know..." Derek whispers as he looks around.

"Oh my god! Do you really think I will fuck you after you played that shit?" I growl as I look into his eyes.

"I was kind of hoping you would." He says with a smirk. I hate that smirk. That smirk has a way of making me do stupid ass things that I should not be doing. I can tell you that even though I am in the water, I am wet as hell. I am turned on because Derek's wet curls are laying on his head. His blue eyes are sparkling. And his perfectly chiseled chest is wet and tan. Yes, I want him. But I think I may just deny him.

"Well, you should have thought about that before you pissed me off." I growl as I clench my jaw. Damn it, I should just spread them for him. I should. But no. I will not. He is a rotten bastard. I shake my head and turn away. I look around and decide to swim to the nearest edge.

"Oh no you don't!" Derek shouts as he swims behind me. His stupid long ass arms make his go faster. Stupid man hands are like scoops. "You aren't going anywhere." He tells me loudly. I try to pick up the pace, but I feel his hand on the leg of my jeans. My stupid jeans are dragging me down. He tugs me hard and I feel myself fly back towards the underneath of the raft. "You aren't going anywhere...I already told you that,"

"You asshole! Let me go! I will hit you, Derek Shepherd... I will nail you in the face." I tell him as I raise my fist.

"Mer... I think I will be the only one doing the nailing here." He says with a hearty laugh. Damn him. I think he is right. Too damn irresistible.

"Oh really?" I ask with my left brow raised. That is how it always is. Left brow. It other words, bullshit. I don't believe so, mister.

"Really." He tells me with a nod as he puts his hands under the water. His head is bobbing just above the water. His grin is growing. I roll my eyes as he pulls up his arm, swim trunks clutched tightly in his hand. "Let's go." He tells me as he plays with my shirt.

"What do you plan on doing?" I ask coyly as I looked into his bright blue eyes. "I would like to know what you plan on doing to me."

"Well, I plan on taking off this hot little shirt of yours." He tells me as he lifts the shirt over my head. Everything is clinging and hard to remove. I feel him tug and pull it completely off. Both his trunks and my shirt land on the raft with a "thwap" sound. "Damn, Mer." He groans as he looks at my white bikini top. "And you wanted to cover yourself up." He laughs.

"I don't need to shake my ass in front of everyone." I tell him frankly as I feel him play with the bottom of my jeans.

"Grab the top of the raft." He tells me with a nod. I raise my hands and grab the raft, feeling him go beneath the water and begin tugging. I can't believe this. I cannot believe I am going to fuck him here. At least no one can see.

"Ah... There." He says as he tosses the jeans up on the raft with a loud smack. "I think now we can begin." He points out with a smile.

"Begin what?" I ask as I playfully pull away. "I'm not really sure what you are planning on accomplishing here. So far you have gotten me out of my wet clothes." I tell him with a giggle.

"So it seems I have to get you out of that wet bathing suit." He says with a raised brow. "I would hate for you to be in a wet bathing suit in the water."

"That would be a tragedy." I agree with a smile. "I would hate that too. Imagine... A girl in a wet bikini. A travesty." I say with a smile as he runs his hands over my hips. I'm still holding on and he is floating.

"Travesty." He agrees as he grabs the raft and kisses my collarbone. "A fucking travesty."

"Yes... You should uh... Do something about that." I tell him with a smirk as I rub my knee against his hard cock. "Oh... You are hard!" I say in shock. He is steel meat covered in silky skin. He is ready for me, and I can feel the heat radiating in my core for him.

"Oh god, baby... That is- Wow... Fuck. I need you." Derek groans as I rub him over and over again. Derek takes one free hand and undoes my bathing suit top. "Oh god... They are so...hard." He moans as he takes my rock hard nipple into his mouth and swirls his warm tongue around it. My cold flesh feels great in his hot mouth. "You taste so good."

"Oh, Derek... Just do me." I beg as he runs his cold hands down my body. I feel his fingers snake underneath my bikini bottom and grazes my warm pussy. I feel his ice cold finger touch my clit, sending shivers up my spine. "Oh!" I gasp as I feel his cool hand playing in my warm folds, turning it warm.

"You are so tight... And warm." Derek says with a smile as he looks into my eyes. I grin as I feel him rub his cock against me. "I just want to fuck you." He tells me as he rips my bikini bottom off and tosses it with the rest of the pieces. Hold on tight." He says as I place my hands backwards and hold on. He grabs the raft with one hand, and his hard cock with the other one. "Hold on, baby." He moans as he rubs his velvety head against my clit. I let out a few pants at the sensation of him.

"Oh god... Just do it." I beg as he teases me. I hate the teasing. Right now I just want it hard. "Oh!" I shout as I feel his thick hard cock slide into my dripping wet core. It is cold as ice as it slides in. The icy feeling only stimulates me more as he withdraws and slides back in. "Oh god, Yes." I moan as I look into his eyes. Derek leans down and attacks my neck as he thrusts his hips.

"You are so hot and tight. You really were ready for me, weren't you?" Derek asks as he sucks my chest hard. He gives me a few hard bites. I can feel him increasing his suction as he pulls away, taking my skin with him.

"Harder, Derek." I tell him as I thrust myself towards him, my arms getting slightly tired from being over my head.

"I am, Mer... It's not easy." He tells me as he pounds over and over, the water resisting him. "Fuck, I am trying!" He grunts as he buries his head into my neck. "Oh god... you are getting tighter... Fuck, Mer." He pants as he struggles.

"Oh god, Derek... Fuck... I'm there, Derek.. I'm going to.. OH GOD!" I cry out as I feel the wave crash me. I am cold on the outside, hot on the inside and completely numb. My body is twitching as Derek shoots his hot seeds inside of me. He is panting, and I am shaking. We are shot. His cold cock is now warm and twitching. "That was good shit."

"That was very good shit." Derek agrees as he pulls out of me. I frown at his exit. He feels so good inside of me. "Damn. You were good. Really good."

"Not so bad yourself." I say with a nod as I let go and fall underwater, my head bobbing back up. When I come up, I look at Derek. He has a not so great look on his face. "What?"

"Oh... Shit." He says as he reaches for our clothing.


	27. Bad Things

By the look on his face, I can't imagine this being a good thing. He is looking at me with great regret. He almost has a look of fear in his eyes. I hope he doesn't have a reason to be fearful. If he has a reason to be fearful, then it is the reason that I think it is. The reason I think it is, is because our clothes are missing. If our clothes are missing, he may as well sink now, because I am going to drown his ass.

"Oh shit? Oh shit what? I have to tell you, I have never been a fan of oh shits. In fact, I don't like oh shits. Oh shits mean bad things. In other words, your dumb ass better tell me why in the hell you are saying oh shit!" I spit nastily. If I could, I would chop his balls off. They would float across the water like a freaky little toy. I know our clothes are gone. Damn him!

"Our clothes are gone." He says as he winces. He winces and I give it to him. I smack his strong arms with my wet hand. I hope it is hurting him more than it is hurting me. That was it. That was exactly what I knew was going to come out of his mouth. Like I said. Damn him. This is all his fault. Stupid penis. I am not sure it was worth it this time. I am not sure at all.

"Good. Real fucking great, Derek. Our clothes are gone. You are such a fucking genius." I spit as I look into his eyes. "We didn't have to fuck."

"Oh yes... And you didn't willingly spread your legs. No... I had to pry those suckers open. I used a pry bar. I fought and fought so that I could get enough room to ram your pussy. I don't think so, Mer... You were all but begging for it." He laughs as he shakes his head. For that, another smack.

"You make me do it. I don't want to fuck you. You make me." I declare. It may be the biggest lie of my life, but I am telling it. He does make me in a way. He is irresistible.

"Yep. I make you. Definitely. I forced myself upon you as you pulled me in and wrapped your legs around me. Your pussy wasn't crying. You were, but I don't think you were crying because you were hurting." He laughs as he argues with me.

"You know what, you stupid fuck... While we are arguing about who wanted to get fucked, our clothes are out there somewhere. So how about we figure out where the hell they went? Maybe that would make a little more sense than our bare asses arguing and our heads, which happen to be the only decent part of our bodies, are floating above water." I tell him as I roll my eyes. Derek quickly begins to float on his back. "What are you doing?" I ask in shock as I see his package come to the surface.

"You said out heads were floating above water." He says with a snort of laughter. That deserves something. Yep. There it is. I am smacking his cock. I quickly give it a whack with my hand. "That. Was. Not. Nice." He growls as he places his hands on his package. "That just made you a bitch." He says with a clenched jaw.

"That isn't the first time I have heard that. I'm sure it won't be the last." I tell him frankly. I loved hitting his balls. It was good, well deserved fun. "So... Where would our clothes be? Who would take them?"

"Mark!" We both spit simultaneously. We knew it. We should have known better than to abandon our clothing where he could see it.

"That little prick." I spit as I look into Derek's eyes and clench my jaw. "I will kill him."

"Not before I beat the shit out of him. I can't believe he pulled this shit!" Derek said in shock. "Where is he?" Derek asked as he came to the side of the raft, getting a clear view.

"The little fuck is swimming. He is going down." I growl as I clench my fists under water. "I hate him." I sneer as I shake my head.

"I think I see our clothes... He fucking took them back to our spot. How the fuck are we supposed to get them?" Derek asks in shock as he looks at me. As if I am the keeper of all great ideas. Okay, maybe I am the keeper of all great ideas.

"Take the raft." I tell him with a big nod. Yes, it is huge. Huge huge. But we are strong. At least I tell myself so. "It's big, but I think with two of use, we can kick our way to the shore. Luckily we chose a spot farther away from everyone else." I tell him with a smile.

"Good idea." He agrees as we both take our positions and begin kicking. We have no idea where it is going. There is only the green, algae covered wood in our sight. We are hoping we're going to the right spot. And hoping more that someone doesn't come along. "Ah... Do you need to rest?" He asks breathlessly. I think we have only gone a few feet. But a few feet is a few feet.

"No. Keep going. I'm too damn mad to need a break. When I get my clothes on, I am going to beat his ass. I hope he didn't like his cock. And the family jewels are going to be floating." I say as I paddle harder.

"You have a lot of anger in you, don't you?" He asks as he looks over. I take in a breath.

"Yes. I do." I say simply as I keep going. Suddenly, I feel the raft get heavy. Someone is on the damn thing. Just our luck. "Shit."

"Fuck." Derek responds. We are so smart. Geniuses.

"What do we do?" I whisper as I bob there. I lean in a little. I think he will protect me, although I should know better, he is a boy and a selfish one at that. "What do we do?" I ask again after receiving no response from him.

"Well... We could fuck." He suggests with a smile. The sad thing is, I think he is dead serious. Looking in his eyes, yes, he is serious.

"Derek!" I growl under my breath. "Fuck here and now? There is someone on top of this raft. Are you an idiot?" I ask as I shake my head. I think I know better. I mean guys only think of one thing. Sex. They think of sex. And right now he thinks there is a possibility of sex.

"I'm ready. And we could do quiet. Come on... Give me a little pussy." He says with a smile. If you could see his smile, you would know why I am seriously considering this. I mean, the boy is adorable and all I want to do is nail him. Or be nailed. I can't nail, I have no nail. But he could hammer his nail into me. Damn it. Now I am wet. One stupid little thought and my pussy is gushing.

"We can do quiet..." I agree. How can I agree to this insanity? "I'm getting cold." I say frankly as I look at him.

"I can get you warm. Come on... One little taste of that pussy." He repeats. I look at him and sigh. Damn it... Why do I have to be his whore?

"Fine. We can fuck. Quietly. And if things go amiss, you pull out." I tell him with a nod. I know one thing for sure... I'm insane if I actually think he will pull out. Men don't pull out. Not when they have that need. I swim over closer to him and run my hand down his chest. I feel the smooth curve of his hip, moving to his groin and gently grab his shaft.

"Oh god, baby... You have the perfect hand... Fuck. I need you. I need to fuck you." Derek groans as I run my hand up and down his hard cock over and over again. "Damn... Don't- I want to be ready for you." He says as he feels my hand tighten and pump harder. I want him just ready enough to give me a fast hard fuck in my tight pussy. "Oh god... Oh." He moans as he closes his eyes.

"Shh... Be quiet! You are worse than a woman." I tease as I look at his closed eyes. "Derek... Just fuck me already." I huff as he runs his cold hands down my body.

"You don't need to tell me twice." He says with a smile. "But you need to help me out this time." He says with a smile as he puts his hands up underneath the raft and hold on. "Hold onto me and put me inside you." He tells me as he holds tight.

"Okay." I tell him with a nod as I wrap one arm around his neck and place the other hand on his large cock. I gently slide myself onto his iron rod.

"You are so tight... And warm." Derek says with a smile as he looks into my eyes. "I just want to fuck you. Nonstop fucking." He tells me as he raises his body and thrusts into me. "Oh!" I shout as I feel his thick hard cock slide in and out of my my dripping wet core. "Oh god yes!" I moan softly as I look into his eyes.

"You are so hot and tight. I think you are always ready for a fuck." Derek states as he sucks my neck hard. He gives me several hard bites. I can feel him increasing his suction. He is marking me and I am too far gone to care.

"Harder, Derek." I tell him under my breath. I hold my arms around his strong body, my cold hard nipples pressing against his rock hard chest. Two cold bodies meshing into a warm single one. I thrust my hips towards him, trying to fill myself deeper.

"I am, Mer... This is... Hard. Fuck." He tells me as he pounds over and over. I can see his strong arms holding us both. "Fuck, I am cumming... You need to come, I can't stop!" He grunts as he buries his head into my neck. "Oh god... You are getting tighter... So tight... I can't- You are... Fuck, Mer." He pants as he struggles.

"Oh god, Derek... Fuck... I'm there, Derek.. I'm cumming!" I cry out as I feel the wave crash me. I heard a loud splash and see the person who was on the raft, swimming away. I close my eyes. I don't care if they heard. I am feeling to good to give a damn about anyone else. My body is twitching as Derek shoots his hot seeds inside of me. He lets go as he climaxes hard. We both sink under the water, completely connected. We come up together, looking into each other's eyes.

"I told you I was ready." Derek reminds me as he holds me tight. "I think we may have some major talent. That was good. Unbelievably good."

"I think you may be right." I say with a nod as I feel him pull out. "Clothes... Clothes." I tell him with a nod as I go to the edge and peek around. "We need to make a move. Grab the raft."

"Aren't you... Tired?" He asks. I know he is exhausted from holding us up.

"Quit being a pussy." I say as I grab on and go full force. We both began pushing as hard as we can. We just need to get this done. We don't have far to go. "We're almost there." I say as I looked up. "Thank god." We finally reach the edge closest to our spot. If Derek can climb out, he only has like twelve feet to go. "Okay... Go." I tell him with a smile as I look at him.

"Me? Why would I?" He asks as he bobs alongside me. "You go."

"Derek... I'm a girl! I have two parts to hide. Three, really... You- Just go!" I growl. "Be a man!"

"I don't understand... I mean... Who is going to be pissed if they see you? It would be hot. You go." He tells me as he pushes me towards the edge.

"Fine. I didn't want to do it... I really didn't. I guess I have to... No sex. These legs are closed to you." I tell him with a shrug. "I hope you like to beat it."

"Fine. I'll fucking go." Derek grumbles as he goes to the edge. That didn't take long. Seconds. It took seconds for him to realize that pussy is good and he needs it.

"Just hurry." I tell him with a nod as he begins to climb out. I take a handful of ass and pinch it hard. He lets out a squeal. Oh fun. So much fun. He glares as me as he gets onto the grass and makes a mad dash, one hand over his ass and one on his package. His wet hair, flopping all over. That man is hot. So fucking hot I want to take him for another ride. I want to smack that perfect ass until is is cherry red and ride his balls until they burst.

"Here!" Derek shouts as he jumped back into the water with our bathing suits. "Get that shit on." He tells me quickly as he pulls his own on. "We need to act natural."

"Are you embarrassed, Derek?" I ask with a giggle as I tie my bathing suit on.

"No." He grumbles as he pulls them on and swims away. He was so embarrassed. He really was. I quickly swim to the side and climb out. Did we get off scott free?


	28. I Don't Need Him

I walk to our spot. I'm pissed. I will not lie. I am pissed. I may have gotten laid two times, but it wasn't worth it. Well, yeah, it was worth it. It was worth it. But that doesn't change the fact that I am definitely pissed off. I was bare ass naked in the the middle of a quarry because of my assfuck cousin and my dumb ass fuck buddy. They are stupid boys. See, coming to the quarry with two boys. Stupid.

I don't want to be in my bikini and my jeans and shirt are wet. I want to go home, but I will let them stay. I want to hide, but I wont. At least we are on the odd side of the quarry where there is no action. I quickly pull my blanket into the sun and lay down. I need to dry off. I need to dry my clothes so that I don't have to lay here like this. I feel the hot sun on my back and close my eyes.

I rarely lay in the sun. It makes me sick and well, there is that whole melanoma thing. I tend to be a bit of a germophobe and a diseaseoaphobe. In other words, I am a freak who barely functions. Just as I start to fall asleep, I hear someone walking up. I know it is either Mark or Derek. I don't open my eyes, knowing better.

"What the hell?" I yell as I feel my bikini bottom snap against my ass cheek. "Derek! You ass!" I shout as I turn my head and look up at his smiling face. "I'm resting. Leave me alone."

"Oh... Resting. How sweet is that?" He says as he sits down and rubs his hand over my ass. "This... This is sweet." He moans as he runs my ass and moves down my thigh. "So sweet."

"Don't touch me." I say as I roll away and onto my back. Derek looks down at me with a smirk. "I'm mad at you!"

"Mad, huh? Mad because we had sex? Or mad because you enjoyed it?" He asks with a laugh as he lays down next to me, propping himself on his elbow. "You enjoyed it." He says with a smile as he runs his hand over my abdomen.

"Fuck you, Derek." I snap as I roll me eyes. Why does he have to talk. Now I think along with the no kissing, I will add a no talking rule. "Just- Fuck you."

"I would, you know... I would fuck you. I would fuck you right here in front of everyone. I would fuck this little pussy until you scream." Derek says as he runs his hand along the top if my bikini bottom before he finally snakes his fingers inside. "Right here."

"Get your finger out of my pussy." I tell him frankly as I see a man rushing up. He is coming our way.

"Why... I was having fun." Derek boasts as he begins to wiggle down a little farther.

"Derek." I seethe as I look over and then at him. "If you are smart, you will get your fingers out of my pussy and play innocent right fucking now." I tell him as I close my eyes. He quickly looks over when he hears someone nearing.

"Hello." Derek says in a shocked voice. "How are you today?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises." He says frankly as he looks at us.

"Can I ask why?" Derek asks coyly. He is such a little son of a bitch. I can't believe he is going to play the innocent role. Hell, I guess I would too.

"Indecent exposure. You were caught running naked through the grass. And now, I see you are ready for more indecent exposure right here." He says as he looks at Derek and then looks at me.

"Caught? Indecent exposure? I think I have clothes on here. In fact, I have had clothes on all day long. So this little indecent exposure incident, it wasn't me. In fact, I think it is him. See that guy over there... You got the wrong man here." Derek says frankly. I look over at Mark and smile. The little fuck deserves it.

"He's right. No... Seriously. He's my cousin, man. I wouldn't tell... But he never should have done that stuff with children around. It was indecent. I'm ashamed of him." I say with a head shake. "Really ashamed. My aunt would kill him."

"Really? Him?" He asks as he points to Mark climbing out of the water.

"Yes. Mark Sloan. That is him." I say with a smile as I look over. He really does deserve whatever he has coming to him. The man nods as he walks away. Derek and I watch with smirks as he goes over and confronts Mark.

"They're making him leave." I say in shock as I watch them grab him by the arm and lead him to the gate.

"Holy shit... I never expected that." Derek says as he looks over at me. "So we should go?" He asks as he looks into my eyes.

"Hell no. I say we make him wait." I tell Derek with an evil smirk. That is called revenge. Or manmade karma.

"We should go, Mer... He will get hot and- We should go." He says with a frown.

"I don't think so. I think we should stay. In fact... Do you see that patch of trees over there?" I ask as I point. I watch him not his head. "Let's see if you can shoot for three..." I tell him as I jump up and run off.

I have mixed feelings about running through the grass in my bare feet. I mean at first it feels okay. It is all soft and lush. Then I realizing I am running across worm dirt. And then it gets even better when you slide. Generally there is a reason you slide. I don't know if you know the slide I am stalking about, but it is not a good one. I think god no one had dogs here.

"Fuck!" I shout as I feet a rock jab me in the heel. I quickly bounce around on one foot, feeling the pain in my heel. It starts as a sharp pain, and then you get that lingering bruise pain. This will be going no where fast.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks as he rushes over. I quickly raise my foot for him to look at.

"Damn, you are flexible." Derek says as he holds my foot and I balance on the other. "Not that I didn't know that." He says with a grin.

"You have a point." I say with a matching grin. This man makes me horny. Right now his hair is halfway dry and sticking all over the place. He makes me dripping wet. I can feel the trickle of my creamy juice. My pussy aches for him. It aches for him every second we are together. My inner muscles instinctively begin to contract at the thought of his hard cock sliding home in my tight pussy, our bodies meshing in a mess of sweat an juices.

"So, I say we see just how flexible you really are..." He says as he drops my leg and pushes me backwards into the shrubbery and trees. I walk backwards, his hands on my arms, ready to use force if need be.

"Hmm... Flexibility test, huh?" I ask with a raised brow as I look at his rising cock. It will never cease to amaze me as it rises like a piece of heavy machinery. His hard muscle, bulking up from it's obvious exercise and use.

"Oh yes... A flexibility test." He says as he pulls me down to the ground with him. "You know..." He says as he runs his fingers over my abdomen and plays with the top of my bikini bottom. "I would hate to lay you down in this grass."

"So you want me on top?" I ask with a frown. He knows I don't like it on top. I am far too self conscious to take it on top. "I hate the top."

"I know you do. Although, I''m not sure why you do. You have the control when you are on top. You are a control freak. You like to think you are the boss. You would think top would be your place." Derek tells me as he snakes his fingers along my warm sun-kissed flesh.

"I just don't like it." I snap as I turn away. I don't like him looking up at me. I don't like him judging my body and thinking about what I am doing.

"I wasn't thinking you on top. Hell, I don't want grass up my ass crack either." Derek says with a nod as he looks into my eyes. "I was thinking more like you on your hands and knees and me banging you like the wild animal I am." Derek says with a nod and a smile.

"Wild animal... Yeah, that just about sums it up." I agree as I look into his eyes. He is an animal and I want him to mount and fuck me just like he was made to do. "Okay... You fuck me, then." I tell him with a nod as I watch him drop his shorts, revealing one monster sized cock and a smile. His head is glistening with pre-cum, and I don't have a condom. It's not as if we weren't just fucking in the water under a raft or anything. I have to think of it as if my pussy will rot, at least I have the satisfaction that his beloved cock will suffer too.

"Get on your knees, Mer." He tells me as he watches me drop my white bikini bottom into the grass. That sucker has been all over the world today. "I'm going to make this fast." He says with a chuckle.

"Not too fast." I clarify as I lay my palms down in the cool grass and feel it on my knees. It's tickling, but I have a feeling it won't be soon enough. "Just make sure I get mine, and you can get yours."

"Oh, I think we will both be getting it." He says as he gives me a firm smack on the ass and lays over me. I can only imagine that he is grasping that hard cock to thrust it into my wet and ready core. "Oh... God.." Derek moans as he slides as much of his length in as I can handle. "Damn."

"Oh, Derek." I groan as I feel his wide girth pressing my walls. His length is deep seated inside of me. His hard chest is against my back, and his hips are up against my hard ass. He has as much flesh pressed against me as possible, and I am loving every minute of it. "You are so hard, Derek.. I don't know how you do it over and over again." I boast as I think about his amazing stamina. He really does have an iron will and a monster cock.

"Mer... You are so warm and soft." He mutters as he pulls his length out and slides it in once again. I seem to be able to take more this way with my legs spread and my core parting for him. "Oh... God, tight. So tight." He boasts as he picks up his pace. The afternoon heat is causing tiny beads of sweat to form over my body. My temples are wet and damp, my partially dry hair becoming wet once again. I feel the gentle breeze pass over my nearly naked body as Derek takes his time, working me up, knowing he has to please me.

"Oh... Oh... Oh, Derek! Faster, baby... Faster." I spit. I called him baby, and I don't care because right now his balls are crashing into me and firing up his iron pole. Baby doesn't matter. it's just a word that horny women who are getting fucked hardcore will say in a time of need.

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck." He groans as his ass pumps his thick member into me. His power is immense, nearly pushing me down to the earth. "Damn... Oh... You are- This is- I'm going to cum. I hope you are- Oh god, I hope you're ready. I'm going to blow. I can't-" Derek pants as he continues to run his rail into my core like it is the last thing he will ever do.

"Oh... Oh... I'm ready Derek! Don't you dare stop. Don't stop!" I shout as I take the brunt of his force and absorb the shock throughout my body. "Oh! Oh! There- There it- Ah... Is! There it is!" I scream as I feel him pulsate into my core and shoot his seeds. There is nothing like him washing my walls with his creamy white rapid. My uterus contracts violently, milking the most of of his thick penis.

"Oh god." Derek grunts one last time as he ceases motion and spurts. "Damn..." He says with a deep breath out. I can't hold his weight anymore. We quickly crash down, and fall to the side. Derek spoons against me. There is nothing we can do. We are too drained to move.

"You know..." Derek finally mutters as he moans loudly. "I think we should probably get up."

"Probably." I agree as I lay there, still not moving. I can't move. I'm not sure my legs could hold me up after that crazy fuck. "Probably." I breathe out again with a sigh.

"We should probably do that now." Derek adds as he pulls out of me. It is amazing what happens to his poor penis once it is drained of it's super power. It is nothing more than a normal penis. It is more manly than an average penis. It is the super cock. I can't forget about that.

"Yeah." I say as I pull myself up and pull my bikini bottom on. My hands are shaking and I am dying here.

"It was good, Mer. It was phenomenally good. A good fuck in the grass is always good." He agrees as he ties his shorts. A good fuck in the grass is always good. So apparently he has good fucks in the grass more often than not. It's not a surprised. It's not a surprise because I knew. I knew and I know that he is a whore.

"Yeah. It always is." I say with a nod. I have never fucked in the grass, but he doesn't need to know that. He can think I'm a fucking whore. I know he is a whore, why shouldn't I be? "Grass fucking, it fucking rocks." I add, just for good measure. Derek looks up at me with a raised brow, which I ignore.

"Hmm... Well, we should go. Nonchalantly, of course." Derek says as he walks off. If anyone saw us disappear, they knew what we were doing. I walk without looking around. I don't want to know I people know. I'm sure that Derek wants them to know. He wants to strut like the king of the jungle. He mounts his bitch wherever he wants. I'm not his bitch. I am bitch to no one. I guess I am just an easy whore at his dispense.

"Okay... I see why we had Mark." I point out as I pick up the cooler. Derek looks at me and frowns.

"Can you get it with me?" He questions. I am a girl, but I am not weak. I was just pointing something out, that was all. I can handle this cooler with no problem.

"Yes!" I say quickly as I fold up the blanket and toss it on top of the cooler. I grab one side as Derek grabs the other. My clothes are still wet and I can't wear them in the car. I avoid all eye contact as I walk and Derek struts. I think I will wait some time before I come back here. If I ever come back here. I hate swimming, so I have no reason to.

"You assholes!" Mark spits as we walk up to the Jeep. "I can't believe you fuckers. You left me out here! You left me. They kicked me out. They said I was streaking. You guys are jerks, man. It was you, fucker." Mark spits as he looks at Derek.

"Dude, you deserved it. You took our shit. Me, that's funny. But you took Mer's stuff. That was wrong. She is a chick. She didn't need to be out there like that. I think you crossed the line. So yeah, we got our revenge." Derek says with a nod. He is being dead serious. I am actually in shock.

"You guys had it coming. All you do is fuck. It's pathetic. It is all you do. Nonstop fucking. I mean, let's flaunt it all over the place. Yes, you have a cock. Big fucking deal. You fuck anything that walks. No offense, Mer." Mark says quickly. It is obvious that we have pissed him off. And offense, no. It does bother me, though. I know he gets around, but I don't want t think that I am on the same level as some crack-whore on the street that he would probably fuck.

"I'm leaving." I say frankly as I walk around to the front of my Jeep and open the door. I am just a whore. I'm a whore and I need to stay away from Derek Shepherd. I need to show some control.

"Mer... Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Mark asks frankly. I look up at him. I'm not even sure I want to hear what he says next. Should I even answer him?

"No, Mark. There are no mirrors around." I say quickly. I look in the rearview mirror. I see what he is talking about. I look like shit. My hair is frizzy and all over the place. I have dirt on the side of my face. "Oh..."

"Take a look at your boobs, too." Mark adds. I quickly look down at my white bikini. My boobs have grass stains. "Like everyone doesn't know what you were doing." He says with a disgusted laugh.

"Mark, quite being an ass. You're just a jealous fuck. Ignore him, Mer. Fucking ignore him." Derek says quickly.

"What, Derek?" I snap as I look over. "He's right. He. Is. Right." I tell him as I pull away from the quarry and begin my drive down the road. I don't even want to be in the car with these guys.

"It was good, Mer." He says with a wink. I know he thinks he is being nice. And I love sex. I don't want love. I do not want it. But that doesn't mean I want to be belittled and treated as if I am a whore. A trashy second rate whore.

"Yeah." I mutter as I go along in a trance. I have no interest in either of these assfucks. I need to wean myself off of Derek Shepherd. He is going to be here for a few more days and I have got to wean myself off. Cold turkey would be better. I need to close my legs to him. I need to deny myself that massive horse cock. I need to practice a little self-induced pain. I don't need Derek Shepherd. I don't need him. Not at all.


	29. Porno Star

So I came back to the house, and I went to bed. As soon as I could, I went to bed, closing of them and their world. I say their world because it seems like it is. I was sure that Derek was spent from his three aim and fires. I was praying he would be. I know that staying away from him will be a huge challenge. I'm not having feelings. Don't try telling me that I am having feelings. Do you know what I am having? I'm having something. I don't know what it is. I think it is not wanting to be a cheap whore. If I am going to be a whore, I at least want to be a high dollar whore.

I don't need sex. No one needs sex. People can live without sex. I can live without sex. And now you will claim that I am trying to convince myself. Do you know what my response is to you? Bullshit. I don't need sex. I can go without sex, I did it for months. And at one point, it was years. I don't need it. I don't need Derek. All I need is my favorite vibrator and an active imagination.

"You're avoiding me." Derek says as he sneaks up behind me and jabs my sides. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you." I say as I roll my eyes. I am so avoiding him. I am avoiding both him and Mark. I am avoiding the lot of them. Hell I'll avoid the rest of the family and clear out everyone. Actually, I should just go home. I will just go home. Hello. That is a fantastic Idea.

"Okay... Then why have you been sneaking around this house and looking over your shoulder like you have a stalker behind you?" I freeze as I listen to him. Derek gives me a funny look as he looks into my eyes. "What's wrong?" He asks quickly.

"With what?" I ask simply. I know what he is referring to. I don't want to talk about it. Not with him, and not in my head. It's gone. I am casting it out of my mind. Now. Right now.

"You froze. Why did you freeze?" He asks simply. Why do you have to ask questions, asshole? Why can't you just be a fuck buddy? Mer, you just said you weren't fuck buddying anymore. Why can't you just shut up, leave me alone and be my anti-fuck buddy non-friend? Now I am talking to myself like a nut. Hell, I am a nut. Shit. I'm nuts for Derek's nuts. No nuts. We are anti-nuts. Don't need nuts. Nut free.

"I did not freeze." I say as I brush him off. "And uh... Yeah." I add as I walk off. I am not discussing things with him. I have no need to do so. And I am leaving. I am walking away from the horse cock and the man who possesses sexual skills beyond compare

"Where are you going?" Derek asks as he watches me walk away from him. I think it is obvious that I am walking away from him. Does he really need to ask me?

I quickly rush downstairs and into my room. It seems to me, I have done this before. I have done this before. I left him last time. I tried to wean myself out last time and I failed miserably. Not this time. This time, I will succeed. This time I will prove everyone wrong. This time I will stay strong, hold my legs together in his presence and play with the vibrator in vain. Maybe not in vain. That thing works and it works good.

"What are you doing?" I hear, causing me to jump up. I know I went through the floor and am now on the first floor of the house.

"Damn it! You scared me!" I say quickly as I look at him in shock. "Why did you have to scare me?" I ask with a frown as I shake my head.

"Where are you going, Mer?" Derek asks again. I don't want to answer him in fear that he will try and temp me. They say women have poisonous pussies. No. It's them. Poison cock. It draws you in and makes you stupid.

"Home." I say frankly as I throw my bag over my shoulder. I quickly turn and walk away. No stopping me now.

"Home? Why would you go home? Am I going home... With you?" He asks with a hopeful smile. Hell no. He is not going home with me. No way.

"No." I mutter as I jog up the stairs. I can't talk to him and his big cock. When I talk to him, I am really talking to the big cock. Damn big cock. That thing is so big, it demands it's own personality. I'm surprised they didn't issue it a social security number when he was born. It is it's own entity.

"Are you mad or something?" Derek questions. See, that is the thing about Derek, he is so innocent. You hate to be mean to him.

"No. See you later." I say as I walk out, leaving him dumbfounded.

I drive home quickly, the music blaring. I am trying to drown him out. I don't need to hear him in my head. He is always in my head right now. Him in my head and his cock in my pussy. Not in my head because I love him. It's not even because I care. In fact, why am I even explaining this? I know you will just argue with me. I don't love him. I don't care. I just don't ned to be treated like shit. I am not shit.

I quickly drop my stuff and rush up to my room. I need relief. I have denied myself a ride on the Derek train. I walked past the buffet and didn't take a bite. I quickly rip my pants off, along with my soaking wet panties. I lay back and close my eyes, running my favorite vibrator over myself. Derek floods my mind as the vibrations take away my feelings and exchange them for calm nothings. My body tenses and my belly ripples. I think of his manhood. The waves wash over me. Contractions and panting taking me over. Hey, don't knock it, it works.

--

I lay in my bed and study. If I have one thing going for me, it is college. It's my future. I have a future, and if I took all my effort and put it towards that, I would be doing good. Instead, I am sitting here in my bed, thinking about cock. I am thinking about how I am denying myself the cock for no damn reason. I could be getting laid, and I am fucking reading. What the hell is wrong with me? Something is definitely wrong with someone who purposely denies them-self some freaking pleasure.

I heard my phone ring. I don't really care who it is. About ninety-nine percent of the people that call me, I couldn't care less if they ever call again. I will grab it, just to entertain myself. I lean over towards my bedside table and grab it. A frown covers my face. Grandma's house. Eh... Should I answer? Nah.

Well, it happens again. I can only think one thing. Someone must actually want to talk to me. That is usually the reason one calls another. I look at the picture on the phone. I use a picture of Patrick Dempsey as their id. At least I can look at him for awhile as it rings nonstop. It finally stops and then the voicemail tone comes on. I guess I could humor them and listen.

"Hey, Mer... It's Mark. Derek and I were wondering if you were coming back tonight? I guess we will see you when we see you." Mark said sadly. I think he was sad. I don't know why. All I ever do when I am over there is fuck Derek. And then Mark insults me with his bullshit. Yeah. Sad. And of course, it rings again.

"Hey, Mer... It's Derek... I thought maybe you would want to come over?" Derek says into the phone. "I was hoping you would want to come over... Anyway... Call back." Yeah, I bet her does want me to come over. He wants me to come over so that he can cum. That is all he wants. He wants a nice easy lay. Well... He can lay his ass down in his lonely bed and pound it until the cows come home. Finally, it rings again. Again!

"What?" I snap loudly. I am so tired of them calling and bothering me when I am busy studying. Okay... More like fantasizing about Derek's hard one in my tight pussy. Thinking about the way my warm cream feels when it envelopes his meaty member. I wasn't studying. I was dreaming. Happy dreams. Porny dreams.

"Whoa!" Derek says in shock as he hears me. "Are you mad?" He asks with a bit of concern in his voice. Hell yes I am mad. He has been calling nonstop for sex. Yes. Yes, asshole, I am mad.

"What do you want?" I growl as I flip the page in my book. As if I had been reading anything at all. I have only been thinking about his meat. I haven't read a sentence. "What is it that you need, Derek?" I ask quickly. I make sure to be rude. That is how I roll.

"Um... What?" Derek asks with confusion. I roll my eyes. He is either dumb. Or he is playing dumb. "What... I don't need anything. I was just wondering if you were coming over." He states quickly.

"And why were you wondering if I was coming over, Derek? Why would you care if I come over or not, Derek?" I ask again. I know why. I'm not stupid. He is thinking with his cock at the moment. He is thinking with the only part of his body that thinks.

"Um.. Are you okay, Mer?" Derek asks. I can tell that he wants to run. Hell, I would run. I would run from the crazy girl that is snapping at me. "You don't sound okay."

"You just want me to come over so you can fuck me. I'm not stupid, Derek. If that is what you want, just tell me. Just tell me you want to fuck me." I growl as I throw my book to the side.

"Well... Okay. I want you to come over so I can fuck you. I need a good fuck, and you are my fuck buddy. That is what we agreed, right? I mean, you wanted sex and no strings... So I am wanting sex." Derek says quickly. I think he is being sarcastic. I think I would whack him upside the head if I were there.

"Yes. That is what I agreed on!" I say loudly. Damn him. Now I need to one up him. Now I can't stay here and be quiet and alone. Now I need to fuck his brains out so he knows I don't care. I don't care. I just... I will not belittle myself. Shut up! "And I have no problem with that. I just wanted you to state what it was you wanted. You have. So if that is what you want, I will be over." I tell him quickly. Ha! Ha! I win.

"It's what I want." He says simply. If everything could only be this easy. Hey, I want a fuck. Okay, I'll be right over. Sounds good, see you in a few.

"I'm on my way. And Derek..." I say quickly before I flip my phone shut. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather assfuck Mark?" I laugh as I think about Mark bent over the bed, Derek nailing him hard. Ten inches up Marks ass. He deserves it. Rough. No lube.

"Fuck you, Mer." He jokes as he listens to what I said. "Don't worry, you are tight enough." He adds. I shake my head. He is such a needy little whore.

"I'm on my way. I hope everyone is asleep. I'm going to give you the fuck of a lifetime." I tell him happily. I am a fool. And a whore. And weak.

"No, it will be you who receives." Derek states boldly. I think it will be give and take. Should I take my whip? Probably.

--

The ride in the Jeep was quiet. Usually I blare my music. Not tonight. Tonight I drive in silence. I can't help but think. I do a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking, but at the same time, no thinking at all. I am blank and thinking. It's hard to explain it to you. I guess I am just stewing. I am definitely kicking myself for being such an idiot. I am going over to fuck him when I told myself I wouldn't do it. Sometimes I am so damn stupid I think I should kick my own ass.

The house is dark and quiet. I am sure that everyone is asleep. I'm sure that no one will even know I snuck in. That does pose a small problem... How do I explain that I am there? Why did I come over so late. I can't state the obvious reason. I can't say it's because I wanted sex. Well, Grandma, because I wanted the lay of a lifetime. I think not.

I walk in the door silently. I am like a silent assassin. I'm stealth. I'm quiet. I creep down the stairs as quickly as I can. I could be anyone at this point. I could be Mark coming up to get a drink. As I hit the basement floor, I look around, waiting for something to pop out at me. My crop is firmly in my back pocket. It's more than ready to go. I sigh as I put my hand on the doorknob. I'm either really smart. Or really stupid.

**baligncenterI've got this pleasant view**

**Late night working avenue**

**Never had the chance to love you**

**Never want to see you cry/align/b**

"Take off your clothes and shut the door." Derek says with a heavy breath. I can't see him in the dark of the room, but he is there.

"Take off my clothes?" I tease as I stand there, my arms crossed against my chest. I'm not sure if he can see me, but I want him to know he is not the boss.

"Take off your clothes and shut the door." He repeats. I quickly reach behind me, shutting and locking the door. Derek walks up to me and smiles. He is completely naked. His hard manhood ready for me. His balls hanging and waiting for a ride. I can see it in the moonlight shining through the glass block window. He places his hands on the hem of my shirt and tugs it over my head. I like to let him think he is in control. "What is this?" He asks as he pulls the riding crop from my pants.

"I thought maybe I would need it?" I ask with a smirk. I know I will need it. Derek has been a very bad boy.

"I think I am the one that will be needing it... Using it on you." He says with a laugh as he tosses it to the side. I feel his fingers on the button of my jeans. He obviously has something in mind. Like I didn't know that. "You look nice." He says with a nod as he looks at my lacy bra and panties. Just scraps. Enough to cover the necessities and a bit of my ass. "Very nice."

"Hmm." I say with a slight smirk playing on my lips. Playing is so much fun. And to think, I had almost denied myself. "I think we need to have some fun." I tell him with a nod as I place my fingers on his chest.

**baligncenterThank god it's quittin' time**

**Fuck me harder, kill the lights**

**Never had the chance to love you**

**Never want to see you cry**

**Never had the chance to love you**

**Hard cock, nasty mind**

**(Yeah, well c'mon, yeah)/align/b**

It only takes Derek seconds to undo the clasp to my bra and pull it off. The thin lacy material is begging to be removed. He pulls it down my arms and tosses it somewhere across the room. I don't say a word. I don't move a muscle. I remain still as he massages my nipples with the palms of his hands. I feel my nipples turn into hard pebbles at his touch. Derek smirks as his hands run off my my breasts and down my sides. I feel him on my hips as he placing his fingers around the straps and tugs it down. I feel them slide down my legs and fall to the floor, where I kick them away.

"Get down on the floor." Derek says with a smile as he gives me a playful shove. "I think you may be in need of something."

"Oh really?" I ask as I stumble backward and look him in the eyes. "Why would I get on the floor?"

"Everyone knows the best fucks are on the floor." Derek jokes as he nods to the floor. I draw in a breath and take a seat on the floor. Derek walks over to the table and grabs one of those ob sleeves he calls a condom.

**baligncenterTake off your clothes and shut the door**

**Pornographic monster on the floor**

**That's what you like, I'll cum some more**

**Don't you know we fuck for money**

**I'm a big-dick-motherfuckin' porno star/align/b**

"I think we need to try something new." Derek points out as he looks down at me. "I think this is the most complicit I have ever seen you." He says with a laugh. Just for that I should really put up a fight. Too bad I want it so badly.

"Just do it, Derek. Fuck me right." I tell him as I spread my legs, ready for him to lay between.

"Oh... I will fuck you right." He says with a nod as he grabs my left leg. He runs his hands down my smooth flesh, careful to take only and inch at a time. He grazes my thigh as he places my leg over his left shoulder. Derek kneels, one knee on either side of my chest. "I'm lucky you are so flexible." He points out as he stretches my leg across and pushes my thigh down and back.

"Oh..." I moan as his fingers get dangerously close to my pussy. He notices my moan and runs his index finger up one wet lip and down the other. He stops in the middle and gently rubs my clit, causing me to jerk.

"Sensitive, are we?" He asks with a smile as I continually pull away. "I guess you need something else right now." He tells me as he grasps his cock and rubs the head against my slick wet slit. I smile as I feel the sensation.

"Yes, Derek... That's it." I agree with a smile as I look down at his ample cock. "Just do it, Derek. Just give it to me." I beg as I stretch myself as best I can. Derek smirks as he places his cock against the opening of my vagina.

**baligncenterIn my face, on top again**

**A dead lay lover never wins**

**Never had the chance to love you**

**Never want to see you cry/align/b**

"Is this what you want?" Derek asks as he rubs me as hard and fast as he can with his cock. I nod my head exuberantly, bearing down and waiting for his thick manhood to enter me. Derek gently slides in, filling me to the brink. "Damn... You are tight." He grunts as he feels my tight walls around him.

"Wow...God, Derek!" I spit as I feel his veiny member teasing my core. He sets off every nerve ending in my body. "You... Hard and thick. So hard and thick." I point out as I grasp his thighs. Derek places on hand on my right side for stability and the other around my leg, grasping my left side.

"Oh...Yeah, Mer... Oh yeah." Derek moans as he pulls out and drives back in, stimulating my whole core. I grasp his thigh tight in pleasure and pain. His thickness and length are almost too much for me, but I take it and I take it greedily.

"Oh... Derek... Oh god... That is- A little faster." I tell him as I move my hips along with his. I have little room to work, but I am making it go. I need him to fill me and I need to be able to regulate what I want. "Oh... Oh... Shallow. Right there." I tell him with a nod as I caress his thigh.

"There?" He asks as he takes shallow stabs into my core, being soft and gentle.

"Oh yes... That is it." I agree as I feel myself breaking out into a sweat. I can feel the warm dampness on Derek's flesh. It is taking so much out of our bodies.

"I have to do it harder." Derek warns as the animal takes over in him. He gets in position and takes driving force into my core. I feel like he is going to tear me apart, and yet the quickness of his pace has me reeling.

**baligncenterThe best fuck you'll ever have**

**A good job from a workin' man**

**Never had the chance to love you**

**Never want to see you cry**

**Never had the chance to love you**

**Hard cock, suicide/align/b**

"Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh... Damn it... I'm there. I can't stop it." I tell him as I drive my hips into him. I need him to fill me. Part of me needs him to hurt me. He needs to tear me in two so that I know he really wants this. I stop breathing so I can feel it. I pause as I feel him drive into me with such force and passion. "Oh, there...Hard. Oh god yes! Oh...My... Oh...Oh...Ah..." I pant as I feel the wave come over me. I can't do anything but lay there. I feel the crash as my body starts to pulsate, everything twitching wildly.

"Oh, fuck... I'm there. I'm going to blow!" Derek shouts. I feel his pulsating cock start to shoot his creamy white cum into the condom. Derek ceases motion and closes his eyes as he feels his body come down from the climax that just too him over. He continues to spurt as I continue to milk him.

"Uh huh... I like that position." I say with a nod, my eyes closed. I am exhausted.

"It is good. Very good." He agrees as he stays there. We like good. But what is better than good? Great. And what is better than great? Superb. And what is better than superb? Excellent. It goes on. I think tonight we will go down the list. We need to figure out what the best really is.

**baligncenterTake off your clothes and shut the door**

**Pornographic monster on the floor**

**That's what you like, I'll cum some more**

**Don't you know we fuck for money**

**I'm a big-dick-motherfuckin' porno star/align/b**

"I'm glad you came back." Derek tells me as he pants. I lay on my back and look over. I really am glad I came back. I needed to cum. I needed that release. It makes me human. It reminds me that I am alive.

"Mmm..." I moan. I really don't want to answer him. I'd rather not talk. Why do guys have to ruin things by talking?

"I mean... Can you imagine just being here sleeping. Why sleep when you can do this?" He asks as he rolls me over onto his chest. "Why sleep when you can fuck?"

"You make a good point." I agree as lay on his chest and look into his blue eyes. "Why not play with the toy?" I ask with a nod.

It's true. Nearly everyone has this toy. There is a toy on your body. Just a little manipulation by yourself or by someone else and you can free-fall into pure pleasure. How can you not want to do that? How could you not want to play with that toy nonstop. Occasionally I am fearful that I will break the toy. If my toy never worked again, I have no idea how I would survive.

"That is true. I say we play all night. We have a playground right here in front of us." Derek tells me with a smile as he sucks on my neck. "And that includes one tight little pussy and a big cock."

"It does." I say with a smile as I run my leg against his cock. I want him hard. I want him to want me. I need him to want me. Just physically. It's just that physical need that I must have. "And as much as you love floor sex... My back needs a bed." I groan as I try to crack it.

"Why don't you go get on the bed? I think it's my turn to have some fun." He says with a nod. I laugh at him. He is such a dork. What is he going to do, lick me to death. He is such a little pussy.

"Fun for you, huh?" I ask as I pull myself to my feet. "Derek... You are..." I say as I roll off of him. "You're lucky I am such a willing participant." I tell him as I walk away. I will let him have his fun. I usually play boss, but I am willing to lay there and let him bang me for awhile. Quiet honestly, our recent game has me a bit tired, and just laying there waiting for my pleasure sounds like a good thing. I slowly crawl on the bed and close my eyes. I really could fall asleep right now.

"Okay..." Derek moans as he walks to the bed. I can hear him nearing. I can hear his heavy breathing. I am waiting for his tongue in all my favorite places. I am waiting for the fun. That is not what I find. I feel him cover my body with his. Then I feel him grab my wrists.

"What the hell are you doing?" I snap as I try to rip my hands away. "Derek!" I whine as he begins to tie me down. That fucker. I should have known he would pull something like this. "Stop! You can't do that!"

"Oh... But I can. I'm bigger. I'm stronger. And you deserve this. You have been a bad girl." He says with a smirk. That asshole. When he unleashes me, I will slap that smile off of his face. I will beat him to oblivion. I will make him wish he had assfucked Mark. "Can't forget the feet." He adds as he creeps down and binds my feet.

"Are you kidding me?" I growl as I lay there, sprawled out for him, with no control. I need control. I can't live without control. "I hate you."

"You like this." He says with a laugh. "And I am thinking... Maybe I should go upstairs and leave you lay here like you left me? Do you remember that?" He asks with a smile.

"Fuck you." I spit as he walks away. I swear, if he leaves, his ass is grass. His ass is dead. I will break this bed getting out of it. I will break the bed and run after him and I will hurt him. I will hurt him badly.

"You are funny. You can dish it... But you can't take it." He tells me as he picks up my crop. That damn crop. How the hell did I forget it? My stupid ass left it unattended. Never leave your whip unattended. Everyone knows you don't leave your whip unattended. Now, I have left my whip unattended and here he is in control of my whip. He is a rotten bastard.

"Don't touch my crop!" I growl as I look at it. Of course I chose the crop. Not the bat. It's the crop. The one that hurts more when you use it.

"What will you do about it, Mer?" He asks with a chuckle as he climbs on the bed with me. "Just what are you going to do about it? You can't stop me."

"You are an asshole. You are a fucking asshole." I spit as I thrash my body. I have to get loose.

"You're not strong enough." He says with a laugh. "You can't get loose...Why do you even try?" He asks as he runs the smooth leather over my leg. I have to just take it. I can just take it. I can take it. I can take the pain. I'm used to pain. I like pain. I love pain.

"Bring it on, bitch." I spit as I look into his eyes. I can take it, and I will enjoy it.

"Bitch? Did you just call me bitch?" He asks in shock. I'm not too sure why he is in shock. He shouldn't be in shock. I will call him whatever he wants. I have to win. I call him a bitch, I win. I win. I am the winner. And if he whips me, I will take it. I have to win.

"Yes. I called you a bitch. You are a pussy, Derek. A little fucking pussy. I'll say whatever I want to you..." I sneer. "What are you doing to do about it?" I asked with a raised brow. I have a feeling that was the wrong thing to say.


	30. Better Now

I have decided that I like pain. I like every bit of it. Pain to me is pleasure. I think I may get them confused. Pain masks pain. If that doesn't make sense to you, you have not felt true pain. To me, physical pain is much better than emotional pain. Emotional pain will not go away. Most physical pain can be taken away with medication. Even for the most severe, you can go to the hospital and get an iv. Emotional pain can rarely be taken away. Sometimes the physical pain can mask the emotional. Sometimes they cancel each other out.

I am taunting him. I want him hard and angry. I like him hard and angry. He's so big that if he takes it out on me, it feels like he is ripping my cervix apart and trying to split me in two. He is the kind of man that needs to do that. He needs to take the power and use it occasionally. So I taunt him. I want to make sure he hurts me really good.

"Derek, you may as well let Mark fuck you. You are all pussy." I tell him smartly as I look into his eyes. I know he doesn't want to hurt me. He is not the type to hurt me. "You can't even hit me... Look at you." I started with reverse psychology but now I really do want it.

"Oh I think I'm all man. Do you need me to show you that I am all man?" He asks as he runs the crop over my abdomen. I feel it's smooth leather run underneath each breast. I draw in a tight breath as I he flicks my extra-sensitive nipples. I can feel it shooting in my core as he runs it up and down. He quickly travels back down my abdomen and over my navel. "I'm all man, Mer. I am all man." He repeats as he runs down one pussy lip and back up the other. I spread my legs as much as I can, wanting him to tease my clitoris.

"Mmm..." I moan as I feel him flicking it with the tip of the crop. He knows all my spots. He knows just where to rub. Derek quickly flips the crop around and rubs me with the blunt handle. I close my eyes and imagine the head of his thick cock rubbing over and over stimulating every nerve and teasing me. "Oh god yes." I moan.

"Oh you like that, huh?" He asks with an evil laugh. I look up at him. He's going to get me. If I were him, I would get me too. "You won't like this." He says with a smirk as he rubs the crop over my thigh and raises it in the air, coming down hard on my leg.

"Oh..." I grunt, feeling the pain taking over. The sting of the leather hitting my skin sharply sends chills down my spin. I feel him do it again, and again. I refuse to yell. I refuse to cry out. I close my eyes and take it.

"How did that feel?" Derek asks with a grin as I open my eyes. I feel his soft hand run over my burning flesh. It's soft, but only intensifies the pain. He runs smoothly up my abdomen, and ends at my breasts. Derek takes my nipple between his two fingers and squeezes hard. I feel a sharp pain go through my chest and straight down to my core. "Do you like that, Mer?" He asks with a smile as he looks into my eyes.

"Oh... Yeah..." I whimper as he continues on. "It feels so...Good." I grunt as he pinches my navel, moving down to my dripping wet pussy. The more he hurts me, the more I am turned on. It's his power. He is showing me that he is a man. He is all man. Derek teases my labia minora with his fingers, pinching it sharply. I buck my hips as the severe pain. I feel the tears stinging my eyes. It hurts and it hurts pain. It is piercing.

"I think I got you..." He tells me with a laugh as he sees me wincing in pain. "You have been a good girl. You didn't fight. Maybe I should let you know just how good you are?" He asks with a grin. "Maybe I should untie your feet so that you can spread those legs of yours. I want to taste you, Mer. I want to lick your pussy dry." He tells me with a nod as he crawls backwards and releases my my ankles. "Don't make me regret untying you." He tells me as he pulls the soft silky ropes and makes his way between my legs. I'm ready for my reward.

"Oh... Yes." I moan as he rests his face between my legs and breathes a warm hot breath over my silky folds. I'm wet for him. I'm always wet for him. "Oh..." I say softy as he runs the tip of his tongue over my wet slit, from top to bottom. The feeling of his warmth running over mine is almost too much.

"You taste nice, Mer." Derek mutters as he lifts his head for a second. I draw in sharp breaths as he circles my clit slowly. He knows my spots. I will never admit it, but he knows every single one of them. He knows just how to get me where he wants me and satisfy my sexual urge.

"Oh...Derek..." I moan as he flicks over my clit, sending me in a gasping, hip thrusting spasm. I'm too sensitive and he is pushing me further. I begin to shake and attempt to pull away as he continues on, ignoring my feelings, almost knowing what is best for me. "Ah!" I mew as I feel the sensations telling me to pull away and stop.

"Mmm..." Derek moans as he presses down on my hips, making it impossible for me to fight. I let out gasping breaths as I feel the perfection that is coming over me. It is the white cloud of pure pleasure ready to wash over my body and renew my soul.

"Ah...Ah...Ah..." Gasp as I feel myself needing to thrust. I need him to know how much I need this. I need him to know I want him. I want all of him. "Oh god, Derek!" I shout as he gives me one last hard lick, sending me over the edge. I pant loudly as I feel my walls pulsating, letting lose a white tide of my sticky warm cum into his mouth. Derek greedily sucks me as I lay back, my body twitching and my mind spinning. I couldn't form a real thought if forced. I'm gone. So gone.

I lay there with my head to the side, eyes closed. He has sucked the life out of me. I feel so weak, I can't even move. I wonder if he realizes what he just did me to. He took me over the edge and tossed me off. I am free falling, feeling myself contracting and pulsating. I feel Derek's hands on my thighs as they quiver from fighting. I was fighting for and against my orgasm.

"Was it really that good?" He asks with a smile as he looks up. I open my eyes slightly. My belly hurts from the ripples that washed over it in my pleasure.

"Yeah." I say with a faint nod. The truth is, I could go to sleep right now. Right now, I am so tired I can barely take it.

"So are you ready?" Derek asks as he feathers his fingers over my already damp mound. Damp partially from cum, and partially from his saliva. I feel his finger slide in and graze my clit.

"Ah!" I shout as I feel the powerful sensation. It is uncomfortable. It hurts. "Stop! Ow... No!" I say loudly as I look into his eyes. "I'm not ready yet."

"Not ready, huh? I will have to find something else to occupy my time." He says with a nod as he crawls up to me. I look him in the eyes as he leans down. I feel his lips cover mine. Why does he have to do it? Why must he do it when he knows it bothers me so much? His tongue snakes between my tightly closed lips. I want to fight him off, but I see no point. I can't use my hands and I think fighting just fuels his fire.

"Mmm..." Derek moans as he pulls away. I'm not saying anything. It didn't help before. I will just let him have his way. I'm so used to letting everyone have their way, I don't even care anymore. I'll just let him do what he wants. "Come on, Mer... You know you like it." Derek breathed loudly. I hate it. I hate it, and I hate him.

"I hate you." I tell him as I turn my face away. Derek stays in the same spot, just staring at me. I refuse to look at him. I refuse to react.

"Mer... What the hell is wrong with you? This is not normal. Girls like kissing, Mer. They love it. And you... You don't." Derek muttered as he looked at me.

"Just fuck me, Derek." I demand. I don't want to talk about me. I don't need to talk about me. I just need to avoid this conversation and sex is the best way. I close my eyes and think of his thick cock. I need to get wet for him again. I need to let him fuck me so that I can forget all of this.

"Fuck you?" Derek says in shock. I think he is surprised that I have flipped from no kissing to sex. I doubt that he gets the correlation. "Gladly." He says with a smile. He really is a man. Only a man wouldn't notice that I am in distress.

"Please untie me." I say sadly as I look up at him. Derek smiles as he releases the ropes that are on my hands. I feel the ropes slide off of my wrists as I'm freed. During my whole fight, I thought about how I would get him when he finally untied me. Now I don't care. Now I just feel so down and weak, I don't even have the fight in me. "Thank you." I moan as he lays his body over mine.

"You smell good..." Derek tells me as he kisses my chest. "Like sex and flowers." He points out as he pecks kisses between my breasts.

"Just fuck me." I moan as I close my eyes, awaiting his gigantic member.

"I have no problem fucking you..." Derek tells me as he lays between my spread legs. He feels so strong and in control as he lays above me. He is the boss. I was weak. I'm in pain. I'm too tired to fight for power.

"Good" I say with a smile as I wrap my legs around his thighs and wait for him to thrust his throbbing member deep into my core. "Very good..." I breathe.

Derek smiles. For the moment, he is determined to show me. I feel his hard cock slide into my wet folds. I was more than ready for him, dripping wet. My naturally slippery, white lubrication guiding him into ecstasy. I moan loudly as he withdraws and goes right back in for the kill. I'm tight and ultra-sensitive. He is hard and thick. The perfect combination.

"Oh god, Derek..." I squeal loudly. "Oh yes... You big fuck!" I tell him as I thrust my hips into him. I need him to numb me. As his thrusting increases, my grip tightens on his back.

"You are so fucking tight, Mer!" He shouts. I am. I am that fucking tight. I am always that tight.

"Oh...Oh...Oh..." I pant loudly as I grind my hips against him. His thick manhood fills me up, moving my walls apart with every penetration.

"Fuck...fuck...fuck..." Derek grunts with every thrust. We've had sex, but this is rough. Derek is putting in all he has, hitting me hard, and hitting me fast. I feel his mouth suck on my chest as he pulls in and out with force. There is no ease, even with my wetness, it's still tight. And he is still thick. I know he loves it.

"Faster...faster...faster..." I shout as I buck my hips up at him, moving along with his motions, playing with his ass cheeks, my fingers teasing the crack. "Oh yeah...Right there...Right there!" I shout as I pant hard.

"I fucking need to cum. Fuck!" He shouts as he slams me. He begins to thrust frantically as I spread and wrap tighter.

"Oh god...You are fucking great!" Derek yells as he slides. "Cum for me, Mer... Fucking let it go and flood my cock with your sweet juices." He says as he rolls his eyes back and smiles.

"Fuck...I'm there... I am there!" I scream as I feel myself on the edge. I could pull away, but I don't have the personal strength to do it. I need it too bad. The pain and sadness are all gone now. "Oh...there...Oh...MY GOD!" I shout as it comes faster than I thought. I feel my body hit it's mark and go out of control. My feet begin to twitch and my eyes close as every nerve is awoken. "Oh...Oh...Oh..."

"Oh fuck...Here is it...Here I come!" Derek spits as he drives himself into me. I feel his hard rod start to pulsate and shoot out his spurts of cum. I lay there, our juices sliding out and around his cock, dripping down his balls. I feel better now.


	31. My Day

Today is the worst day of my life. I hate today. It's a day that I wish would never come. If it were up to me, I'd forget it exists. It's a day when I'm reminded that I was brought into the world. It's the day I wish I hadn't. I hate my birthday. It's all eyes on you. Everyone looks at you, waiting for something. You are supposed to be happy. You are supposed to smile. I don't do any of those things. I'm not happy. I do not want to smile.

I roll over in the bed. The air conditioning is just cool enough that I can curl up in my bed linens and pretend this world doesn't exist. I pull the blankets over my head. The horses are out on pasture. I don't have to go there now. Right now, it's ten am and I can sleep. I can let the world think I'm resting. The truth is, I'm avoiding. I am avoiding this all like the plague.

"Mer..." I hear Mark say as he taps on the door. I will ignore him. Yep, I have no idea who he is. I have no idea at all. I'm in dreamland right now. "Meredith..." I hear him repeat as he knocks again. Okay, It's apparent that he is not going away. I'm stuck with him.

"What?" I snap loudly as I throw my blankets back. "What do you want?" I growl loudly as I look at the closed and locked door.

"I was just wondering if you were going to get up. It is your birthday, after all." Mark points out. Maybe for a normal person that is cool. Me, that just pisses me off. I don't want it to be my birthday.

"And?" I say frankly as I cover my head back up. I'm definitely not liking this.

"And... Aren't you going to get up?" He asks loudly. I roll my eyes at his comment. Like I should. Okay, if it's my birthday, I should be able to stay in bed forever, right? If I get to make a wish, that is what I wish. Bed forever. Maybe bed with Derek. Bed can get lonely and I may need a good fucking once in awhile.

"Nope. Leave me alone." I say loudly as I cover my head with a pillow. He is driving me nuts. Why is he here again? Oh yes, my dumb-ass aunt adopted him. What exactly was she thinking?

"Okay." Mark says simply. I heard him walk off, hopefully leaving me in some peace. I need peace. I lay there for a few more minutes. That is, until I hear him. Another one.

"Mer... You really should get up." I hear Derek say from the other side of the door. I can't believe it. Not it is a freaking army. This is never going to fly.

"Leave. Me. Alone." I growl loudly as I roll over and look towards the door. "That would be wise. You need to leave me alone." I say in desperation.

"It's your birthday..." He trails off. That was all it took. I mean, yes, it is my birthday. I know what day it is. I don't have to be reminded. I can't believe these people can't leave me alone about this. I quickly toss my blankets back and jump out of my bed. I am tired of this. Way tired. I stomp across the floor and rib the door open.

"I know it's my birthday! Do you think I don't know what goddamn day I was born on?" I shout as I look into his piercing blue eyes. He looks sad. Maybe a touch hurt.

"I'm sorry... I just thought- Birthdays are great. I though they were great." He says. I can tell he doesn't know what else to say. "I just... Happy birthday."

"Thanks." I huff as I push past him and go into the bathroom. So much from my hideaway. I'm not hiding now. I should have just stayed home. They couldn't bother me there. I quickly go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I look at my hair and decide that I'm not even going to brush it. I'll wash my face, but that is it. I just don't care.

"I'm sorry." Derek says again as I walk out. I roll my eyes at him. It wasn't him. They sent him. They meaning the assholes that are my family. I hope they are all gone. Some of them should be gone. I know my lazy ass aunt is still in bed. Why do they have to make me get up?

"Happy birthday!" Grandma says loudly as I walk in. I growl as I look up at her and grab a coffee mug. "I can't believe you are twenty-one!" She says as she squeezes me. Someone please get her off of me. Please! I mean, no one should be this happy.

"Oh yes. It's wonderful and all that." I say as I pour the cream and sugar in my cup. "So great." I add for dramatic appeal.

"So why do you hate your birthday so much?" Derek asks as he looks over.

"Why do you have to ask so many questions? Why can't you just be silent?" I snap as I look at him.

"Meredith! Be nice. Derek was only asking a simple question." Grandma chides as she looks over at me, sitting on a stool.

"It's my birthday... I'll do what I want!" I say frankly. And I will. "I'll get what I want. Derek, shut up. That is what I want. I want you to shut the hell up."

I guess it was a little harsh. But you know what? I am harsh. I tend to say whatever I mean, whenever I want to. It was harsh but I really don't care. The only way he would ever shut up about it was if I made him. I couldn't endure it. I look around at the group. I am getting a death glare from Grandma. I am getting shock from Mark. And I am getting sadness from Derek.

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey. I want you to stop this right now! Just because it is your birthday, doesn't mean you can command everyone like you own them." She says frankly.

I look at her in shock. Apparently, she does have a backbone. The funny thing is, what she just said went right through one ear and out the other. I don't need to listen to what she says. I am my own person. Not to mention, I never say what I don't mean. Me telling Derek to shut the hell up, that is exactly what i meant to say. So I have nothing to lose. And if I did, I wouldn't care.

"I do. And It's my birthday. God, I hate my birthday." I grumble as I drop my head and sip my coffee.

"If you are going to be such a grump, you can just forget it all. We don't have to take you to dinner. We don't have to do anything for your birthday. If that is what you really think you want, so be it." Grandma says with a sarcastic smile as she looks at me. The funny thing is, I will take her up on that offer and I'm not even sure that she sees it coming.

"Okay." I tell her with a shrug. I think I must be in an extra nasty mood this morning.

"Okay?" Grandma asks quickly. I can tell by the look on her face that she did not see this coming.

"Okay. As in okay, we don't have to do anything. In fact, I have a lot to do today. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal." I tell her as I chug my coffee so I can get the hell out of there. I know she will either be hurt or angry. I'm positive hurt will suit her today. She will of course start with some anger.

"Okay... You are obviously grumpy today." She tells me as she turns away.

I don't say a word as I take the last sip of my coffee and shove the cup away. I need to take a shower, and I need to get out. I really will leave and not have anything to do with their functions. I'm sure it will hurt her, and I don't care. At the moment I am mad at her. She didn't let me get away with my tantrum and that makes me mad. Mad enough to be vindictive and hit her where it hurts. Mean enough to walk away from my birthday and leave her high and dry.

I jump off of my stool and hurry down to the basement. I'm getting out. I need to shower, but I am wondering if I should. Maybe I should just pack up my things and go. This has been a chronic problem with me. If I don't get my way, I make sure that everyone pays. I know how much birthdays and holidays mean to her, so I will purposely walk away from my own.

"That wasn't very nice." Derek points out as he looks into my eyes. I never even knew he was behind me. I was so deep in my own mental rant, I never heard his loud footsteps.

"I'm not nice. When will you get that, Derek?" I ask quickly as I grab a pair of jeans and a top.

"You are nice. You can't fool me, Mer. I know deep down, you are nice." Derek tells me with a nod. If he only knew. I am not nice. There is no part of me that is nice.

"Whatever." I say with a sigh and a roll of the eyes. "I have to take a shower." I tell him as I rush over.

"I think I need a shower too. More importantly, I think you need some cock." He tells me as he walks behind me. He maybe right. So what do I do? What do I always do?

"Fine." I grumble loudly as I pull him in behind me and shut the door.

I don't look at him as I quickly peel off my shirt. My push-up bra comes off right behind, and into the pile. Derek flips on the hot water and the steam starts filling the bathroom. I don't look at Derek as I peel off the remainder of my clothing. My back is to him, and I can only assume that he is also undressing.

"I think I need you, Mer." Derek says with a nod as he looks at me. I had forgotten to look at the cock. The cock is amazing. All ten and a half inches standing there tall and proud. His velvety head is red and shiny, wet with pre-cum. He's ready for me, and god knows I am ready for him. "Come on..." He says as he opens the door and grabs my hand.

"Let's go..." Derek says happily as he looks into my eyes and pulls me into the shower I hear the glass door click as I step into the hot water. A smile covers his face as he pushes my back against the cold tile wall. I like the feeling of the cold against my flesh. I can feel the hot water trickling down my stomach and over my soft mound. I feel the hot water running between my lips and ticking my sensitive swollen clitoris.

"Just fuck me." I tell him as I reach around and grasp the tight flesh of his back. I need him to. I can't wait. I'm far too frustrated. Derek smiles as he leans in and puts his mouth to my collarbone.

"I gladly will..." He agrees. "Bend over." He tells me frankly as he spins me around. "Put your hands on the wall and hold tight. I will be hitting you with force."

"Oh god..." I moan as I place my hands on the cold wall. I can feel his cock nudging my wet slit. I am spread wide open for him. My hot pink center is exposed and begging for him to slide right in. "Oh..."

"You like that?" He asked in heavy breathing as he taps his head against my clit hard. I know he is milking me and himself. He is attempting to get my tight folds to relax and allow him entrance.

"Oh god yes! Just do it!" I shout as I back my ass up to him, attempting to get that steel rod as deep inside of me as I can take. I hit him hard, only about an inch sliding in.

"You're so tight..." He warns as he rubs himself along me. "Too damn tight." He repeats as he slowly slides in.

"Oh god! Fill me up. Oh yes... Fill me!" I shout as my walls press him hard. "Fuck me!"

"Oh god... Mer... Fuck!" He shouts as he pulls out and slides back in.

My abundant fluid allows him to go in and out with ease, even if I am constricting him tightly. My body takes the brunt of his force, my hands absorbing shock as he rams to over and over again. I try to take more of him in, spreading my legs, but it is next to impossible. Derek lays his body over mine as he slides. The hot water glides down our slick flesh. I feel Derek pull out. Before he slide back in, I feel a sharp smack on my ass.

"Oh yeah!" I yell loudly. "Spank me! Spank me!" Derek gives me another hard whack before he rams back into my cores. God knows I love the spanking. I can feel the stinging on my flesh from his sharp hits and the hot water.

"Oh god, Mer... Oh god!" Derek yells as he feels his balls ready to explode.

"Oh god... Harder, Derek... Harder you fucker!" I yell as I throw my weight against him. I can feel the tingle in my core. I'm ready to cum. I am ready to go into violent contractions. Our bodies slam with force as I start panting heavily. I need it. I need to feel him. I need to fall over the edge. I slam my hips over and over again as Derek leans back and penetrates me over and over, filling me to the brink.

"Oh god, Mer... Fuck... I'm gonna blow!" He shouts as he quickens his pace.

"Oh yeah... Oh yeah... Oh god... It's- There- There... Oh god! Oh my- Oh..." I pant as everything falls gracefully into place. I gasp for air as my uterus and vagina contract around his spurting cock. We lean motionless as our bodies instinctively react. "Oh..." I moan when he finally slides himself out. I can't take it. I am exhausted, I quickly crash against the wall breathlessly.

"Happy birthday!" Derek asks with a smirk as he looks down at me.

"Ass!" I gasp as I punch him in the arm. All he can do is smile.

--

I have to say, I am stealth. I move silently in the night. Well, in this case, it's silently in the mid-morning. Seriously, who's arguing? You see my point. I had to add night for dramatic appeal. Anyway. Silence. I am moving in silence out of this godforsaken house. Yes, I may have decided on a grandiose exit to make my point, but that has changed. Now I am taking the pussy way out and running to my car. Either way, I have made my point, seeing as I am no longer in that house.

I know that my birthday means more to my grandma than it does to me. It always has. I always pretended to enjoy it for her. I guess at some point in your life, you quit caring what others want and you go for what you want. Sometimes it is weighed on your personal decisions. It just builds. I decided that I was tired of walking around with the fake smile on my face. I don't do that anymore. Now I just keep the frown right there in front. That way no one gets confused.

I have to warn you, apparently, I am weak. I never thought I was. But see, I had a busy day. It's my birthday, and I do what I want. That means I go to the barn and hide. That only worked for a short while. See, my birthday is in the middle of the hot summer. My barn is hot. The horses are testy. The flies are bad. And the lack of human interaction is enough to make you want to shoot yourself. So that was where weakness came in.

"Hello?" I ask into the phone. I had sent the others to voicemail. I had stopped them, and yet now I answer. I will blame it on my delusional behavior from the overbearing heat.

"Meredith..." I hear my aunt say. Oh great. I know what this is. This will be a walk down the guilt buffet with three plates in my hand. In other words, no matter what is said, they will get their way. You know, what... I can beat them at their own game. I can get them before they get me. I guess I put too much thought into strategy.

"I will be there." I say, not letting her say a word. Ha! I just won. That was me mopping her up. "Seven, right?"

"Of course." My aunt says happily. She is full of self-gratification and a good part of me wants her to choke on it. "I will see you around six-thirty."

"Oh yes... You will." I say as I flip my phone shut. Damn the lot of them, They still came out on top because it seems that I am going. All that talk about winning, and now I'm not sure I have. I guess now I will just be evil. I shall make dinner hell for all, just as I always do.

As I let this steaming water rush over me, I wonder... Is it natural to be this damn evil? I almost bet not. I think it must be a learned behavior. Either way, I'm a mess here. I'm a mess because I am still thinking of my evil. I'm not sure what my plan will be, but I hope it will be good. Maybe I should play it straight. I could play it straight. I still have no idea. I will play it something. I will so or say something inappropriate. That is almost a given.

As I walk up to the house of perfection. The ne plus ultra. Yeah, I think that is the way they look at it. I see it and crazy people surrounded but unfortunate bricks. I bet if these bricks could talk, they would be bitching. I bet if they could act, the house would implode. Poor house. Now I am talking to the house like it has feelings. I think I may be losing my mind. At least I am willing to admit it.

"Oh you made it!" Grandma says as the door magically opens for me. Oh great, so I bet they were all waiting for me. I bet they all saw me talking to myself like a lunatic. Instead of going to dinner, I'm getting a one way ticket to the nut house. How wonderful. Happy birthday to me!

"I did." I say with with fakest smile one has ever seen. It's actually really pathetic. I mean, any person with a brain would see that it is condescending as all hell. I may not have won, but I could have. This is me being being wonderful and nice and all of that.

"I'm so glad." She says with a tighter hug. She knows I hate this shit. Maybe this is her sticking it right back to me. I probably do deserve it, but oh fucking well. We shall pretend I do not.

I follow them to the dining room. That is where the cake and gifts are. Of course that all comes after dinner. Nonetheless, there they are. I almost hate those gifts. I used to like presents. Well, I still do. But not the birthday kind. I don't like the birthday kind at all. The cake is pretty with a horse on it. I have been defined. The funny thing is, I have been defined as everything but what I truly am.

"Thank you, Meredith." My grandfather says as he pulls me aside. Occasionally, he will talk to me like a human. He does it more now that he sees that I hold a lot of power.

"Yep." I mutter without elaborating. I will let him stew too. I will let them all pass their judgments. That is what they excel in.

"So... We should be going." Grandma says as she looks at her watch. She always says that. She always wants to go way too early when we all know that grandpa is a lead foot.

"Oh yes..." I mutter with a smile, sticking it to my grandfather for no reason. "We should go." Oh the fun we will have. The joys of arriving early with the crazies.


	32. Sucking Breadsticks

As we have many times before, we all cram ourselves into the car. I have to admit, being up close and personal to Derek is not a problem for me. In fact, I think it is fun. I love it. Whenever I get a chance, I tease him. I let him know that I'm there, and I am ready for him, even if he can't have me. It is truly a cruel joke, but a fun one on my part. I make sure that my thigh I touching his. And every curve, I definitely have to lean into him.

"Not nice, Mer." I hear Derek whisper into my ear as I grab his thigh. It was the first thing I thought to grab in a moment of leaning. I had to have some kind of stability, his thigh was the best option.

"How many times have I told you... I am not nice." I breathe into his ear, taking in his strong manly scent.

"How many times have you told me I'm so nice?" Derek teased as he stuck his nose in my hair.

"Oh... I guess I do. I do every time you cum deep inside of me." I tell him, watching as his face turns beet red.

"Only when I am sliding my cock into that tight, wet pussy of yours." Derek tells me with a nod as he runs his hand down my leg. I see Mark look over and then shake his head in disgust. I can't say I blame him. I would shake my head in disgust too.

"Oh... It is, too. Right now, my pussy is dripping wet for you..." I tell him teasingly. I may not be getting everyone else back, but I am really getting Derek right now. How can I not? But truthfully, my pussy is dripping wet for him.

"Mmm... Is it?" Derek asks softly. "My cock is hard and throbbing for you. Oh... It wants you so bad. It wants to rub against your wet folds and give you everything you ever wanted."

"Oh god... Do I-" I start, almost forgetting that we are in the car with my family. The truth is, I am now dripping wet for him. I want him so badly I can barely breathe. In my teasing, I have teased myself far worse than him.

"I am so hungry, I could eat a horse." My grandma says as she looks up at the restaurant. I now realize that we are here. Time to eat. But seriously, how does one eat when all they want to do it get on the table and have their brains fucked out?

"Me too!" Derek says exuberantly as he looks down at my crotch. Nice. Really nice. How badly do I want him to eat my pussy? So badly. You have no idea. No idea at all.

"I could definitely nibble on something." I agree as I take a glance down at at Derek's hard cock. Oh the cruelty of it all. I think we are both torturing ourselves.

"What time is it?" I hear Mark ask as he looks around. I shake my head. We are early. The reservations were made, and of course we are early.

"Not time yet." I say quickly as I glance over at Mark. After looking at Mark, my eyes immediately go to that iron rod in Derek's pants. Right now, he couldn't get out of the car if he tried. He would definitely be tenting in his pants. That would give grandma quite a show.

It takes all of my strength to not jump Derek right there. I want him so bad, it actually hurts. I would ride him so hard, if the car was in neutral, it would roll away. How fun would that be? It was be a car gone rogue down the middle of the busy avenue. I'm not sure it could happen, but if anyone could do it, we could. There is something about that long thick cock that makes me want to take it into my core. Maybe it has something to do with orgasms.

"So what are you going to have good for dinner?" My grandma asks as she looks over at me.

"Mmm... Breadsticks. Lots of breadsticks." I tell her with a nod and a smile. "I can taste them now. They are so warm and soft. Not like Derek's hard cock, but I would take a chomp of that too, if I could.

"Do you know what sounds good to me?" Derek asks with a slick smile. I look over at him, leaning in slightly. I am almost positive that it will be dirty. "Pussy... I could really eat some pussy right now."

"Yeah... I think you eating pussy would be a good thing." I agree in a whisper as I watch everyone pile out of the car. I quickly put my hand on the door handle and climb out.

When I climb out of the car, I feels Derek's had on my ass. I think it is some sort of cruel joke. I think I almost want to cry. It's my birthday. I should be getting what I want. What I want is a hard cock in my tight pussy. I don't want to have to sit around the table at dinner and smile at the family. I want to be hot and sticky. I want cock. Forget dinner. Cock is enough of a meal for me.

When you have something on your mind, it's almost impossible to make it go away. I have found this time and again. Temporarily, you can find some sort of distraction, but the thing you are thinking about always sneaks back up on you. Well, this is how it is with cock. I mean, the thing is amazing. It's a wonder. It fills with blood and becomes erect for our pleasure. How much better could it be than that? And you wonder why I'm distracted.

It's funny. See, most of the time when you go to dinner and it's your birthday, everyone wants to sit with you. They want to sit right next to you and get all of your focus. Sometimes, I actually think they want to leach your happiness. They want to mooch off of your special day and try to steal it for their own. I know when I was younger and happy, they would do this. Now everyone fights to stay away from me. It's like a game. I don't know exactly why they want to stay away. Perhaps it is my negativity. Perhaps it is because they can't trust that I won't do something inappropriate. Either way, it is fact. And either way, it's a good thing, seeing as Derek and Mark were the unfortunate ones.

Being that it is my twenty-first birthday, I should order a drink. I decide against it, seeing as my father is a drunk and my mom likes to tip it back more often than not. Would I consider them alcoholics? Definitely. The chances of me becoming one are fairly high, so I stay away. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to tip back a whole bottle of vodka and sip until I am not longer conscious. I guess that would be just too damn easy.

"Oh.. I see how it is! No one wants to sit next to me?" I ask bluntly as I look around at them all. I will call them on their shit. See, that is the difference between them and I. Maybe that is the reason they are at the other end of the table. They're jealous. They wish they had the brass lady balls that I have.

"Oh no!" Grandma says sweetly. She is so full of crap, I think I see her eyes turning brown. "I just figured you would want to sit by someone your own age. I'm sure you guys have so much more in common." Nice save. I have to admit, Grandma is not only slick, but quite tactful.

"Oh yes..." I agree with a smile. See, I smile to be condescending. I love to look in their eyes and give them that I know you care full of shit smile. It is good stuff. "So what are you going to have for dinner?" I ask as I look around. I never make my final decision until I know what everyone else at the table is having.

"Oh... I think I may have the fettucini alfredo with chicken." My grandma says with a smile.

Okay, I hate that. Fettucini alfredo with chicken. That is not right. It's called chicken fettucini alfredo. Not with chicken. That is bad, but this drives me nuts too. Usually, she will order something like wonton soup. It comes with scallions. Rather than say, extra scallions, she will say with scallions. It already has them in there. Just extra. Extra! That is almost as bad as when she says she wants a fast food restaurant. Not, I would like a sandwich from such and such place. No, she wants that restaurant. I always respond the same way, I didn't know we were so rich that we could afford to buy the whole place. She always corrects me, and I her with absolutely no avail. I know, I'm a whiner, but seriously, it drives me insane.

"Mmm... Sounds good." I agree. I have to laugh to myself. I was just talking smack about it, but I am going to be a good little girl and keep my mouth shut. "I think I will have-"

"Your usual?" My aunt asks as she looks over at me. Like I am that predictable. If I was in another mood, I would grab something else to spite them. Well, it isn't spite. I'm sure they couldn't care less what I eat. I just need to show them.

"Maybe." I say with a shrug. I hate it when people other than myself are right. It actually pisses me off to no end. "Just because I like it, doesn't mean I'm predictable." I say quickly. It so does. I get caught on something and I can't get off of it.

"Predictability is a good thing." Derek says with a nod. Actually predictability is boring. Guys don't want predictability. Guys want spontaneous and fun.

"Sure it is." I say as I roll my eyes. I cannot even think at the moment. Usually, my head it spinning off of my shoulders and I my eyes flutter like I am seizing. At the moment, I am numb. I am unsure of what to think.

The waiter comes and takes our orders. Of course I get cheese ravioli. Cheese ravioli is the only thing I eat. I love it. So what if it makes me boring. Too damn bad. I don't care. Like your life should be judged on whether you order the same pasta dish at an italian restaurant. It should not. So I am dropping this now.

I look over at Derek. It seems to me that there was a time when Derek came to town and I sucked on a big dill. Well, it's time to revisit that memory with a different foodstuff. I think this time I will use the delicious breadsticks that are on the table. It seems that they have parmesan, butter and garlic. I quickly grab one from the basket and run my tongue over it. I lick it up and lick it down, letting out a faint moan.

"What are you doing?" My grandma snaps as she looks over. Apparently she isn't fond of my dirty little game. Derek, on the other hand is eating it up and wanting to milk his hard cock dry.

"I love parmesan." I say with a shrug as I take a good bite of the bread. I do. Do you know what I love more? Cock. I bet you guys thought I was going to do Derek in the restaurant, didn't you. I'm a bit more tasteful than that. See, that comes later. And boy is it good!

When I was young, I loved opening gifts. I loved them so much that I would open anyone's gift. Now I dislike it. It's the fake smile you have to give when someone gives you that hideous sweater. Or the embarrassment when you open up socks and full briefs from your grandmother. Needless to say, I would rather they all toss it in a garbage bag and I will look at it when I am alone. That would save hurt feelings, embarrassment and time.

You may ask why I say time. My question back to you is do you really have to ask? Time opening gifts I may or may not want will be wasted time. That would be time away from cock. I think there should be a penalty for wasting cock time. I need cock. I need it to keep me calm and cool. Some people take antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Me, I take cock generously in my pussy as often as I can get it.

Blowing out the candles on the cake is a big thing. In my family, they don't put one candle on for each year. Here they are number candles. I think some people would consider that cheating, seeing as it is only one or two candles to blow out. I have no problem with cheating. It means that I can win.

So around here, you don't tell your wish. Around here, you keep it to yourself in hopes that it will actually come true. It never has. I can say in the many years, it never really has. For the longest time, I would wish for my mom to be around instead of at the hospital. That obviously never worked. Now I have had the same wish for the last several years. I wish that I would be happy. Just that. Please let me be happy. Did it happen? Not yet.

"So did you had a good birthday?" My grandma asks as she takes a bite of her cake. She is the frosting queen. She loves it to the point that everyone scrapes off theirs and gives it to her. I guess it depends on my mood because sometimes I love frosting, and other times it makes me sick just to look at it.

"Uh huh." I say with a nod as I look up. I didn't really go through with any sabotage plans. I didn't feel that need to. Besides my dirty breadstick eating, I did nothing wrong.

"That's good. Happy Birthday." Grandma says as she walks over and kisses me on top of the head.

"Thank you." I tell my grandma as I look up at her. She really is being sweet and I could try to return the favor.

"Oh! You forgot one." Grandma says as she hands me a card. I look at the writing, it is definitely unfamiliar.

"Oh..." I say as I accept it and pull out the fold. There is no money in it. If there was money, it would be sealed. Alas, whoever gave me this card was poor. I pull the card out, in between bites of cake and ice cream. I read it quietly. It says "Happy birthday, buddy." on it. I can't hold it in. He got that card on purpose. Buddy. He knows we are fuck buddies. How appropriate. "Thank you, Derek." I say with a giggle as I close it it.

"Happy birthday." He says with a smile. I look up to see the rest of the family looking at me. I guess they want to read it. It's not like it says anything bad.

"Can I see?" My aunt asks, obviously wanting in on the joke.

"Sure." I say with a shrug as I hand her the card. I watch as they pass it around, no one seeing why I was amused. That is fine. That is just the way I like it. It's not like it matters anyway. They all know that I suffer from inappropriate spontaneous laughter.

"I don't get it." Grandma says as she looks up at me. I smile and shake my head. "It's not even funny..." I mutter as I shake my head. It was funny, but they will never know why.

"So..." Mark mutters, trying to change the subject. He doesn't want to be in the middle of the sex talk. He is always in the middle of the sex talk. "Do you guys want to see a movie or something?"

"Uh..." I say softly as I look around. I know what happens every time I see a movies with Derek. His pants come down, mine come off and all rational thought leaves. I spread my legs and smile while I have the ride of a lifetime. So when they ask if I want to see a movie, it always instills a tiny bit of fear in me. The fear of getting caught again. Does it stop me? It rarely does. "Okay." I say with a smile as I look over at them both. Hell, I wanted an orgasm. What better than a public one?

"Did you have anything in mind?" Derek asks as he grabs the newspaper.

"Whatever you guys decide, it fine." I tell him with a nod. It's not as if I will be watching it anyway. In fact, I think Derek and I will be doing anything but watching the movie.

"Oh, Mer... Boo decision on your part. You know boys... You will be watching some horrible movie." My aunt Claire points out with a frown.

"I really don't care. You know me... Go with the flow." I mutter as I take the last bite of my cake.

"You, Meredith Grey... Do anything but go with the flow. If anything, you are fighting the flow with full force!" My aunt tells me with a laugh. Maybe she is right, but I can play the calm and cool act.

"You have a point there, Mom." Mark says with a smile. I can't believe he just called her mom. She is not his mom. She is- Why do I care? If he wants her to be his mom, I should just let it be.

"Shut up! I am not- Okay... Maybe I'm not so calm and cool. But whatever you guys want to see, is fine." I tell them. Okay, I may not be calm and cool, but I will definitely going to be hot and sweaty.


	33. Let Him Try

I make sure I pull on my tightest jeans. I want them so tight that I can barely move. I want them so tight that they hug my ass and make it impossible for me to sit down. I know that Derek likes that. He likes to look at my ass in the jeans, and I am giving him something to look at. I make sure I put on my favorite little top and a spritz of my usual scent. I let my hair fall gently, running my fingers through it, tiny tendrils falling on my shoulders. I look natural, and that is the way I always look. Natural suits me best, no makeup. No glitz.

"Are you ready?" Derek asks as I walk out. I think he may have giving me a double take.

"Yep." I say with a nod and a smile as I grab my keys. As I look into his eyes, I see something. Maybe it is the need to stick his rock hard cock into my pussy. Maybe it is the need to feel the perfect orgasm. "I'm ready..."

"Okay, I'm ready to... Go." Mark says as he walks into the kitchen and looks up at us. I can feel his eyes and me and Derek. Sex. He is expecting us to have sex.

"Good. You take so long to get ready!" I joke as I look up at him. "You are worse than girl!" I add with a nod.

"I am not!" Mark spits as he follows me out the door, Derek not far behind. See, Mark is talking. I'm sure that he is saying something about not being feminine. Of course he is all man. But really, I am in that sex zone. I'm already thinking about how and when I'm going to get it. I feel my pussy lips dripping as I walk, thinking about Derek's hard cock in my tight pussy. "You aren't even listening, are you Mer?"

"Um..." I mutter as I climb into my Jeep. He caught me. Of course he caught me. It seems that I am always caught when I don't want to be. "Not really. Sorry... I was just a bit... Distracted." I tell him as I look in the rearview mirror. Mark is too big for the back seat of the Jeep, but he doesn't really have a choice.

"So... What were you thinking?" Derek asks as he looked over at me. I feel my lips curl slightly, forming a slight smile. My dirtily little mind is always thinking.

"Actually... I was thinking about where in the mall I was going to let you nail me. I want it good, hard and uninterrupted." I tell him happily.

"So... Do you have any ideas?" He questions. I can tell that he is definitely hoping that I have ideas. I always have ideas.

"I think I do..." I tell him firmly. "And I think it will be great." I add. And I really do think it will be.

Our mall has a balcony. No one goes up there. It's reserved for offices, a children's dance studio and public restrooms. After seven, everything shuts down up there except for the restrooms. No one goes up there because it is unnecessarily out of the way. Some teens will occasionally go up their to spit on unsuspecting victims below, but even that has come to an unexpected halt. It seems that the balcony of our mall is the perfect place for a rendezvous.

"Where are we going?" He asks as he follows behind me. Admittedly, my pace has quickened in anticipation for my prize. I found the perfect fuck spot and my reward is going to be the perfect fuck.

"Mark... I think you should juts shop of something." I warn him as I look back. I actually think this may annoy him some. I think he gets irritated by our never ending romps, and yet I can't seem to stop.

"Of course." Mark mutters. "I'm going to Hot Topic." He tells us with a frown. He really has no other friends in the area, and I continue to drag his best one around for the sport of screwing.

"Hey... If you go to Spencer's can you pick up a-" Derek starts. I'm not sure where he is going with it, but I'm sure that it is something that would benefit the both of us.

"If it has anything to do with fucking-" Mark warns as he looks up and cuts Derek off. "You can get it your damn self."

"Fine." Derek moans as he shakes his head. I feel him grab my hand as we march off down the long hallway.

"What did you want him to get?" I ask as I glance over. I have a feeling he isn't going to tell me.

"Oh... Nothing." Derek says quickly as he approach the elevator or stairs. Elevator or stairs? I look at the elevator and I rush up the stairs. I think elevators lead to kissing, which I do not like. Stairs are great. Good for cardiovascular.

I get up to the balcony and look around. It goes all the way around the center of the mall in a square. There is a short wall that if you are tall enough to see over, give an amazing view of the people bustling below. Most people are far too busy to even notice that there is someone up above, looking down at them.

"I want to look." I tell Derek frankly as I lean over. Derek walks next to me, him taller and getting a better view, for sure.

"Okay. We don't have to go at it right away. Although... My little guy is talking to me." He points out. I look down and see the usual tent that comes when Derek's not so little guy is up and ready for some action.

"He's not your little guy. I can definitely attest to that. And I would never make you wait. I want to look as you fuck me. You will have to take me from behind." I tell him with a nod. "So... Take off your pants."

"Demanding... I like it." He says with a nod as he drops his pants and quickly as he can. I never knew gravity could pull such a light thing down to the earth so fast. "You know, you will have to do the same."

"I know that!" I tell him as I take one last look around and peel my skin tight jeans off of my slender legs. "Is that better?" I ask as I let my panties fall along with the jeans. I am well aware that there are cameras. It will have to be semi-quick. "You need to fuck me fast." I tell him and I place my arms over the wall. I feel him come from behind and grasp my thighs. "I know we are on camera."

"I always did want to be a porn star!" He says exuberantly as he puts my in the perfect position for him to enter my tight pussy. I love how Derek takes it in stride. There was no question that he was still going to fuck me, even if we would be stars. "Mmm..." I hear him moan as he lets his cock bounce off of me. I feel the head of his cock enter my pussy. Just and inch. Just enough to tease. If I wasn't soaking wet, I don't think he would be going in very easily. "Oh... You are tight." Derek says with a smile. I can't see the smile, but I know it is there.

"Just go in, Derek. Go all in." I beg, knowing I can't take in most of that cock, but I like to be filled to the brink by it. I actually wonder if he ever feels completely satisfied. I doubt there is a girl in the world that can take in all of that man cock. I feel him grunt softly as he continues to slide in, centimeter by centimeter. "Oh yeah..." I moan as I feel him stimulate ever nerve that is along the way. His thick veiny member, pulsating gently as the blood pumps. His shiny red head buried deep in my core. "Oh yes, Derek."

"Oh god, Mer.. You are so tight, I'm ready." He says with a chuckle. "I'm ready and I just went in." He tells me as he pulls back slightly and slides back in. I feel his strong hands on my legs as he supports me. The mall looked amazing from up there, but now it is a blur as I feel him milking me, rubbing my walls and teasing my g-spot.

"Oh... Derek... Harder!" I tell him breathlessly. "I need it harder!" I shout softly as I grasp the wall and brace myself. His steel rod is hard and rubbing each and every inch of my tight, dripping pussy.

"Oh, Mer... Damn... You are wet!" He tells me as he hears the telltale gushing and gurgling sound of my juices sliding around his cock. I know it is dripping out. That is the need that I have for that man. "Oh god... Mmm... I'm almost there... Shit!"

"Oh god, Derek... Oh... Oh..." I whimper as I feel everything tense. My belly is hard and tight as my core tightens around his member, attempting to milk him into an orgasm. "Oh! Oh! There... don't stop! Don't stop! Right there!" I shout as I feel my uterus go into wild contractions along with my vagina and anything else that can pulsate.

"Fuck, Mer! Yes! Fuck... There. Oh yeah!" Derek shouts as he shoots his hot cum deep in my core in short spurts. The feeling of our bodies meshed together so tightly, our juices flowing and mixing... It is all too much as I close my eyes and just feel. I moan gently as I lean there, coming to. "Wow..." Derek moans as he slides out, mine and his juices running down his cock and all over his balls.

"Yeah. I like this balcony. We need to come here again soon." I tell him with a nod.

"That we do." He agrees as he looked down at his messy self. I think I just left him something to remember me by.

"I guess we should go find Mark." I tell Derek with a frown. The truth is, in a few minutes, we could probably go for round two. That wouldn't be the wisest move on our part. We are already on camera and if security is around, they will be seeing something soon enough.

"Yeah, I bet he is getting pissed." Derek stated as he works on his leather belt. I love it when Derek wears his dark jeans that are faded in just the right places. I'm actually surprised that he hasn't created his own fading in the crotch, seeing as he is always rubbing there when he is hard.

"Like you care." I joke as I look over the balcony one last time. I truth is, we both care. We both like Mark, even if sometimes he pisses us off. I know more often that not, we do the same to him.

"Mark may be an idiot, but he is a good guy." Derek points out, using his words wisely. I have to say, I am impressed. I begin my walk to the elevator. We aren't in the heat of the moment anymore and quite frankly, my legs are too weak to walk down the stairs.

"Elevator?" Derek asks with surprise as he looks up.

"This time around, yes." I tell him softly. I'm actually really exhausted from my body going all wild. I feel like I ran a marathon. As we stand in the back of the elevator, I can't help but look over. I have always been frank with Derek and at this moment, I feel the need to ask him. "What part of your jeans wears out first?" I ask dumbly.

Derek looks at me in shock. I guess it is a random question. Most people don't walk around asking about wearing out jeans and the like. I'm weird that way. Besides, this gives me a reason to make a dirty comment and I am always looking for a reason to make a dirty comment. I smile as I look down at his crotch, knowing what he holds inside.

"Why would you ask that? That's a strange question to ask, Mer. Then again, you are a strange girl." He adds with a chuckle. He makes an excellent point. I guess I really am a strange girl.

"I was just wondering if it was your crotch... You know, from your hard cock rubbing against that fabric over and over again. That iron hard...Long...Thick cock." I tell him with a sigh. Damn it, now I am turning myself on.

"You want it again. We aren't even to the first floor, and you want to be fucked again. I have to say, I have never seen a girl who is more ready to go in my life. You have a never ending sex drive!" He says in disbelief. Everything he says is true. I do have a never ending sex drive. I am one hundred percent pathetic.

"Okay, fine. I do want it again. But that is not what I asked. I really want to know! The ass of my jeans wears out from riding. And you rise a lot... It's only a valid question." I point out with a smirk.

"No. The crotch of my jeans does not wear out. It's not like that is all I do. I don't stand here and rise all day. I need a good reason to rise. And if I did, the crotch is thicker than any other part of the fabric, it wouldn't wear out." He says frankly. He is so serious. Any other guy would either roll his eyes or think I was nuts. He is explaining just why it is that way. "You have a constant cock craving, don't you?"

"Eh... I do." I admit sadly as I look at him. It's true. It's like it calls for me. Mer! Mer... Come get me. You know you want it. You want me to slide deep into that pussy and give you everything you ever wanted. If the cock could talk, I think it would taunt me. Then again, the cock does talk. It is always rising for me and showing me what it is and how badly I want it. "I have an addiction to cock."

"That's okay. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I do have a sneaking suspicion that you don't want help." He points out with a nod and a smile. "I think you like to use your problem. You enjoy it and you aren't stopping. Am I right?"

"What are you guys talking about?" I hear a familiar voice say as he sneaks up from behind and throws his rams on our shoulders.

"Mer's cock addiction." Derek says frankly as he looks over at Mark, half expecting to get a rise out of him, and not the good rise.

"Oh... Yeah. She does have a cock addiction. Second only to your addiction to pussy!" Mark says, taking it all in stride. I am definitely impressed by this. "You can't throw stones when you live in a glass house, dumbass!"

"Who said anything about throwing stones? A girl that craves dick as much as she does... Let's just say I am impressed!" Derek points out as he glances over at me.

"Hey... I'm not saying a word. You are just a normal man. I am a world wonder here!" I tell him happily. I guess in a way I am. I am down for anything and any time. I get in that sex fog and all of my rational thought leaves my head.

"A normal man, huh? And I thought I was extraordinary!" He laughs as he walk up to the ticket counter. "I am disappointed." He says, feigning hurt. I have to admit, his fake pout is adorable.

"Aww..." I say sadly. "It's okay!" I lie as I look at him. "I guess you have to try... Harder!" I say as I begin to laugh uncontrollably. I know people around me think I'm nuts. I am a touch nuts, but I have accepted it. They should accept it too.

"She's okay. I mean... She will be. I forgot to give her her meds. I promise they will kick in before the movie starts." Derek says to the woman at the counter with a laugh. I quickly quit laughing and look over at him.

"He's just mad because he is ordinary." I say with a laugh as I look down at his cock. "He is having trouble accepting it..." I mutter as I shake my head. "It's sad... Really."

"I see." She says as she looks at him. Derek looks at me in shock. I grab the tickets and walk away.

"You are in so much trouble." He warns as we walk. I know he wants to get me. I just got him good.

"I was kind of hoping I was..." I giggle as I walk off. Let him get me. Let him try...


	34. At the Movies

I have never been a huge fan of going to see movies. For one thing it costs too much. I guess it's not exorbitant, but for someone who really isn't enjoying it anyhow, it's an unnecessary cost. I don't like the gamble you take when you go to see something that few have seen. You may get stuck in a seat, staring at a screen in the equivalent of pure torture. I have done this many times. I guess I am too nice to just walk out and end my suffering. I suppose I like to suffer with the others. Not to mention, the seats hurt my butt, no matter how cushy they are.

I sit back in my seat, midway through the theater. Mark likes the front, so close to the screen that you can see the actor's pores. Me, I like the middle. In my opinion it is a happy medium. And Derek, I'm sure you figured out that he likes the back. I wonder why? You don't have to be very smart to realize just why Derek likes the back. I guess if I was a smart girl, I would have let him pick the back. I was not.

"You know I like the back..." Derek breathes into my hair as I stare forward. He is so close, I can smell him.

"Mmm... I guess I forgot." I mutter as I glance over. I glance with my eyes, not my head. When I glance with my head, that tends to give Derek an excuse to plant a kiss on me.

"We could move..." Derek suggests as he looks at the side of my head. I sigh as I look up there, it is pretty empty. We could head up there. "Do you want to?"

"Okay." I finally agree. I have been caught doing things in this place do much, I'm fearful to move when inside. I almost half consider wearing a wig these days. Anything to hide my identity.

"Mark... We're going up there." Derek says with a smirk as he looks at his friend. Mark is no fool. He knows exactly why. The thing I don't get is how he can pass judgement. I'm sure that he is doing the same thing at home with his girlfriend.

"Yeah... Fucking leave me down here looking like a dumbass." Mark growls as he looks around. I can't blame him. If it were me, I would be just as angry. I would be sure that every person behind me was seeing the tragic image before them. That poor person had no one to come with them.

"You can come too." Derek says with a smile as he looks around. "As long as you don't mind moaning." He says with a smirk.

"Nice... No. Nope, I think I will head down to where I want to sit." He tells us as he looks around.

"You know, down there everyone will see you. No one will be in front of you. That means the theater will see that you are alone." I point out as I look around. It isn't full, but there are enough people.

"I don't care what they think." He tells me as he looks around and then gets up. Derek and I look at each other, shrugging at the same time. Sometimes Mark is a strange bird. There is no question about that.

"Okay then..." I say with wide eyes as I move down the aisle and up towards the top. I see people watching us. I am sure some of them realize just why we are making such a drastic move. "You just want to get me in trouble." I tell Derek frankly. I know that he loves to stay right there on the edge.

"Maybe." He says with a smile as he looks into my eyes. "That may be." He agrees as he buries his mouth in my neck. I'm not really sure why guys like to do that. They love to peck kisses and bury their faces. I hate kisses, but if they aren't on my face, I'm better than I would be.

"And what do you plan on doing for me?" I ask. It's all about me, or at least it should be. He should be pleasing me however and whenever I want him to. I know that I do more than enough for him.

"I think I can think of a thing or two." He says as he stands up. I look at him with a puzzled look as he peels his button up shirt off of his body. His tight white tee shirt only shows off his impeccable chest and makes him look absolutely amazing. I watch as he gently places his shirt on the seat. He makes sure the whole thing is completely covered.

"What is that for?" I ask as I look at him. Apparently he has picked up some sort of fetish in the last week that I am unaware of.

"That is for you. You always said you wouldn't sit your bare ass on the seat. Now you can sit your bare ass on my shirt." He says with a smirk. "So get up, peel off your pants, spread your legs and let me have it." Derek says with a smile.

"Way to get to the point!" I tell him as I stand up and unbutton my jeans, pulling them down. I go ahead and take the panties along with them. I should remember to leave them off for easy access. Someday I will learn. I quickly sit my ass down on the seat and look up with a smile.

"Put your feet up there." He tells me as he kneels between my legs. Dinner and a movie.

Ah yes, dinner and a movie. I sure hope Derek likes eating pussy, because that is what he is having. I have to admit, the man is a god when it comes to eating me out. I'm terrified of snakes, but the man has the tongue of a snake. He slithers it around in all the right places. He has rhythm. He has tempo. He has all the necessary tools to meet all of my needs. He can work it just the right way, taking me fast or slow. I can feel his hot breath on my nether region. I can feel my pussy beginning to drip in anticipation.

"Someone is wet..." Derek points out as he runs a finger over my slit, feeling his finger slide quickly. "Very wet."

"Someone needs you." I admit as I spread my legs and scoot down for him. I want to make sure the conditions are optimal for pussy eating. He needs to make it a good one. It is my birthday, after all. Even if I hate my birthday, I will accept a pussy eating gift.

Do guys judge your pussy? I have always wondered this. I'm sure they do, just as we judge their cocks. The thing is, guys aren't too perceptive. The don't notice fine details. They wouldn't notice a damn thing if a woman didn't point it out to them. I mean, when I am sucking a hard cock I notice things. Veins, bumps, thickness. I could say if Derek was two millimeters thicker than the last time. I feel the balls, seeing of they are plump or overly squishy. The truth is, I could probably spot out testicular cancer in a guy, and he could be in my pussy, eating a tumor and ever know it. So I guess guys don't judge. Maybe the tightness, but that is it. I doubt they would notice if one labia is a little large and higher than the other. And that, I would notice. I guess I will leave it up to Derek. I don't plan on eating pussy anytime soon.

"Someone is going to get it, then." Derek says with a smile as he looks up. Even in the dark, I can see his dark blue eyes looking up at me.

"Then shut your mouth, and give it to me." I groan throatily, feeling it so close I can't even take it.

At that, I feel his perfect tongue on my lip. A lick and a peck. A lick and a peck, and nip on the lip. He carries this out the whole way down my lip. I suck in a breath. He doesn't even have to hit the money shot to turn me on. My ample fluid comes down for his licking pleasure, softening the way for his hard cock that isn't coming. Derek traces his way up the other lip and looks at me and smiles. I swear, he likes eating pussy as much as I like him to eat my pussy.

"Mmm..." You taste good. He mutters and he runs his tongue along my center, licking up my wet cum. I'm not even there yet, and I am feeding him well.

Derek licks my center greedily. It only takes a little stimulation from him to please me. I don't need much to get more than hot. Luckily Derek knows me well enough to know when to give and take. I feel his tongue slide up to my clit. He is the master of the swirl. And pressure. He knows just the right amount of pressure to use, simulating his cock.

"Mmm... Oh yeah... That's the spot!" I tell him as I feel his tongue graze my sensitive clit. There is a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know that pure pleasure is upon you. "Oh..." I mew as I close my eyes. The truth is, the whole theater could be watching, and I wouldn't care. Not if I was getting mine.

"Oh... You like that!" Derek says was he pulls away.

Sometimes, I think guys are stupid. Okay, that is a lie. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I think guys are stupid. More so, I think they have death wishes. Any man that is going to town on twat, and decides to stop and talk... He surely wants to be a dead man. Derek has just abandoned my clit to talk. Stupid man. Stupid, stupid man. I feel the need to shove him with my hand, and then kick him in the face.

"Why don't you shut up, and finish." I growl as I look at him. That is blue balling of my lady balls right there.

"Because you were very close." Derek points out. Okay, hello! This is my body. I know I was close. Maybe I was ready to blow. As I said, stupid man. Stupid. Stupid.

"I know this, Derek. If you don't fucking get down there, I am going to bite your cock off next time I suck it." I tell him as I grab him by the hair and pull him to my pussy. "Lick it." I demand as I soften myself, waiting for him to eat me.

"Demanding." He spits out before he goes back to town on my nether region. I feel him press his lips around my clit and suck gently, while running the tip of his tongue over it. It hurts. I try to pull away, but he holds me there, forcing my to take my orgasm head on.

"Oh... OH. Oh. OH." I cry out softly as he continues on. I brace myself. It is coming, and it is coming fast. Oh, god... Oh my god... Oh yeah... Oh, oh, oh..." I spit as he licks hard and fast. I can't even breathe as my belly tightens up. My legs, ass and belly are so tight, they are ready to spasm. I hold my breath as he takes one final lick, Sending me over the edge. "Oh god!" I say a little too loudly as he sends me over the edge into strong contractions. I feel my uterus and vagina spasm as he sucks me dry. He is so good at the clean up aspect of it. He does the work, while I pant, trying to get my breath.

"Mmm... You taste sweet, Mer." I hear Derek say. My eyes are closed, and quite frankly, I do not care what is going on around me. I'm feeing great. I feel wonderful as I come down.

"Mmm... Happy birthday to me." I moan as I open my eyes. Now what?

Now what. I can't believe I would ask myself that. It is a pretty straightforward, simple answer. Now we fuck. After good oral, comes a good fucking. I have to say, once I am all hot and bothered, I have no problem being a little risqué in public. All I have to do is think of Derek's big guy, and I am creamy and ready to go. I look at Derek and smile, I know he deserves some sort of prize for being such a good little eater. And I guess I will have to give it to him.

"Feeling good?" He asks me as he pulls himself from his knees. I know that he has to have sticky knees from everything that had been dropped on the floor before we came in.

"Very." I admit as I look over at him and give a faint smile. "How do you feel? Do you feel like you deserve some sort of reward?" I ask with a giggle.

"Maybe." Derek concedes as he sits down in the seat next to me.

Now me, my eyes are always moving. My brain is always running. I am looking around for a good place to spread my legs for him. I know that the seats are not wide enough to allow me to straddle him in a comfortable way. I finally see it. There is a half wall to the left of us that keeps people from falling far below. Derek could shove me against the wall and have his way with me. It is such a good idea.

"I guess I will have to do something about that, then." I tell him with a nod and a smile.

"Oh really? You think you can do something about this reward that I so deserve?" He questions as he looks down at his own hard cock.

"I think I can. See that wall over there?" I ask as I point. Derek nods his head and looks at me with an agreeing smile. "That is the perfect place to fuck. I just know it..."

"I think you may be right." Derek agrees as he stands up. There is something about a man and sex. If you say the word, or even hint to it, they spring to attention just about as fast as their cock can rise. Derek wastes no time walking down the short aisle and going to the wall. Such a good little soldier he is.

Now here is the kicker. I had taken off my jeans and my panties. I had taken them both off, and now I will walk, without any shred of clothing on my bottom half. This has to be crazy. I mean, you don't just walk across the theater half naked, although it is dark and no one is back here with us. Nonetheless, if I were seen, it would not be good. Crazy. But not that crazy. Not if you know what is awaiting you.

"You are such a bad girl." Derek tells me as he grabs my shoulders and spins me around. I feel my back hit the wall hard. I don't care. I like it rough, and any pain that has incurred will be washed out my by hard orgasm that will take me over soon enough.

"I am." I admit. I was submissive coming over here so quickly for him. He isn't the only one that wins in this situation. "Just... Fuck me." I breath throatily as I lean back against the wall. I feel Derek take a firm hold of my leg and pull it up around his waist. i have to admit, a small part of me likes his take charge attitude.

"I hope you're ready." Derek says as he presses against me. I know I am dripping wet and more that ready for his cock to enter my tight pussy. I feel Derek pressing the head of his cock at my entrance, ready to dive right in. "You are so... Tight." Derek groans as he presses his cock deep in my core and smiles. I love it when he looks at me and smiles. That is when I know I am pleasing him.

"Oh... Derek..." I moan as I feel his cock slide in and out gently. His hard muscle is rubbing against every nerve in my womanhood. I can feel every bit if perfection and imperfection as he slides in and out. His velvety head teases my folding leading the way to pure pleasure. "You... You need to make it fast." I groan as I lay my head on his shoulder, by body taking the brunt of his force.

"Yeah- Oh yeah." He grunts. I'm not sure if it is a pleasure grunt, or if it's him agreeing with what I said. He must be agreeing, because I feel that cock begin sliding in and out like greased lightening.

"Oh god... Oh yea... Faster..." I beg as I feel his gliding along, teasing my g-spot. "Oh god! Oh yes... Oh yes!" I gasp as he drives in and out. I know he has to be sweating just as I am. I feel tiny beads of sweat forming on my hairline and the small of my back. I am so ready to be there. I am ready for the thing that only Derek can do so well.

"Oh god, Mer... I'm going to cum... I can't- I- Fuck! Oh fuck!" Derek grunts as he sprays my core with his hot seeds. I can feel his hard cock pulsating and spurting as it sits, nestled in my folds.

"Oh! Oh!" I pant as I feel it coming on. My whole body tightens up. My belly is like a washboard, firm and hard, ready for it all to release. "Oh god!" I grunt as I feel myself fall hard, strong contractions taking me over and mowing me down. My whole body quivers and shakes as I choke Derek's hard member, tensing and releasing. "Oh yes..." I sigh breathlessly as I lay my head on Derek's shoulder. So bad. So very bad.

**I can't remember if I told everyone...But I am in school and very busy. I have not abandoned any fics!**


	35. Hating Life

I sit back in my seat silently. I have sticky stuff on my feet. My socks are completely sticky and gross and they are now inside my favorite running shoes. I can barely sit there and concentrate on the movie that I don't really even care to see. All I can think about is everything that is on my socks. Old soda, candy, maybe even some cum. It is like the enemy's army is in my socks. I feel like if I don't get out of there, I am going to die.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks as he looked over. Apparently he has noticed that I am wiggling in my seat. I can't help it. I feel gross. I am on the verge of insanity.

"What?" I question as I look over at him. He has obviously noticed me having my spasm fits in my seat.

"My feet, Derek... They are all ick. I can't take it! I can't take it!" I shout as I jump up. This has happened before. I get obsessed with something. The fact that all of the snack foods that the theater has to offer are fighting on my feet, that has me unnerved.

"Wow... Mer! Calm down. People are looking." Derek says softly as he looks into my eyes.

"I don't care! I. Don't. Care! I can't take it!" I say as I jump up. "You get Mark now. I am leaving. If you guys want, you can stay, but you will have to walk home." I tell him as I rush down the aisle and rush to the exit. I may have a problem, but I can't help it. I have germ problems. I have huge germ problems and they are playing around in the heated environment of my shoes. The bacteria is growing and prospering.

I walk out of there like I am on fire. I swear, if they want to go home with me, they had better start running. Once I get in that car, I am driving off like a madman. People look at me as I rush by. I'm not even sure where all these people are from, considering that the mall is closed. Nonetheless, I do not care. I am out of there. I want nothing to do with allowing germs to grow in my shoes.

"What the hell, Mer?" Mark asks as he rushes alongside me. I don't care if he is mad about the movie. I really don't care about anything. I actually feel my feet heating up. Surely that is the germs growing. It has to be.

"We have to go." I tell him frankly. Between the cum that is soaking my jeans and the sticky socks, I am ready to go insane.

"What's the matter? Sex issue?" Mark asks frankly. I can tell that he is irritated. I pulled him away from a movie that surely, he had watched most of. I was selfish, but you must remember, I am suffering.

"No! No! No!" I say as I rush to the car. "I have to get them off!" I tell him as I get to the car, open the door and begin ripping my shoes and socks off. "Oh thank god!" I say in relief. I stepped in nothing wet. My feet are clean and dry, but my thick socks are disgusting. My shoes cannot be washed. Not without doing some major damage.

"You are fucking nuts, Mer." Mark says in a shocked tone. "What the hell are you doing?" He asks as I throw back my head and take in a deep breath.

"Feeling relieved." I tell him with a nod. "I feel so much better." I say frankly as I look into his eyes. "Derek... Here. Please?" I ask as I hand him my shoes.

"What?" Derek asks as he accepts them and looks over at me. First of all, I am in shock that he accepted them. Secondly, I doubt he knows what to do without me telling him. He is a man, after all.

"Throw them away. There is no saving them." I tell him and as I point to the trash can that is not far from the car.

"Are you kidding me?" Derek asks in shock. I nod my head yes and he exits the car, carrying the shoes. I can tell he is disgusted with me. I guess I can be a bit wasteful. "Someone would have really appreciated those." Derek mutters as he jumps in.

"Well... Maybe someone will get them out of the trash?" I suggest arrogantly. I should be knocked out. At least I can admit it. We remain in silence. They are mad at me.

"So... I forgot to tell you. Mark and I are leaving in the morning. I have to be back for work." Derek says quickly.

I have to admit, I'm a little shocked. There is much to be said about having sex when you want to. Derek is my reliable lay. He is a great man who knows how to use what he has. He is a student in layology. He knows every spot I have, and I have never found anyone who can compare. And now he is leaving. Just like that, he is leaving. I have to admit, that makes me a little mad.

"Oh." I say as I pull the Jeep into the driveway. "Well... That is good." That is good? How stupid did that sound? Stupid. I quickly rush out of the car, feeling the cool pavement on my feet. I rush to the door, ready to run to my room. He is right behind me, and I don't want him to know how I am feeling. "Well... It was good and all. I guess I will see you down the road." I say as I open my door. "I'm tired... So... Goodnight."

"Mer..." Derek says as he grabs my arm. I think he is sensing whatever it is I am feeling. "I will be back..." He says softly. I look at him. He's not a liar. I believe him.

"Okay." I say with a nod. "Okay..."

I'm not sure what it was, but it was something. I felt... Something. I can't explain it. I can't put my finger on it. Something. It was a feeling I had. Not love. Don't even go there. Attachment. I feel attached to Derek. I care about him. I think about him. It's the kind of feeling that makes me wish only the best for him. I care deeply for Derek. But not love. I don't love him.

There is a feeling I get when Derek leaves. It is an empty feeling. It feels like a big part of my life has walked out. I get this way. I get attached to people and then when they leave me, I get more than sad. I have to keep my distance when I know that things will be shifting. Generally I will step aside and begin my disconnect. That doesn't happen with Derek. I don't know why, but it never happens.

I can't sleep. I hate it when I can't sleep. It's torture. You never know how insomnia sends people into insanity until you experience it. You have no control. You can't force yourself to sleep. You can't make it come. Your body starts to ache and your brain quits functioning correctly. God I wish for sleep. Damn Derek, taking up my thoughts.

_iI lay in the comfortable bed with my eyes closed. It feels so comfortable and perfect. The bed is just firm enough, the sheets soft and fresh smelling. And then I feel it. An arm. I have an arm laying across me chest. I quickly open my eyes and look over in shock. I see Derek's dark curls laying on his pillow beside me._

_"Mmm... You're awake." Derek says with a smile as he looks into my eyes. His blue eyes bore holes into my soul as he looks, reading me so well._

_"Uh... Yeah." I mutter as I look at him, him holding me so tightly._

_"Mmm... That's good. Really good." Derek says with a smile as he rolls towards me. I look at him with a smile on my face as he covers his body with mine. I feel his lips press against mine gently. I close my eyes as I feel his tongue slide in so gently. I can't take it. My tongue quickly wraps around his, fighting hard as I suck gently. "I want to fuck you." Derek moans as he pulls away. _

_"Yeah... Oh yeah." I agree as I look down at myself. It doesn't take long to realize that we are both lacking our ever so important clothing. "Just... Yes." I say as I rub my leg along his hard cock, feeling his balls press gently._

_"Oh yeah." Derek agrees as he climbs to his knees and pulls my legs, scooting me towards him. "I'm going to fuck you so good in that tight little pussy of yours." He tells me as he bumps the head of his hard cock into my clit over and over again. "Unless... You don't want it?" He asks as he pulls away._

_"Oh damn you, Derek! Do it! You know I want it!" I shout quietly as I look at him. "Why? Why? Why do I need you?" I ask as he slides back up between my legs. "Oh god... Why?" I ask myself loudly._

_"Why what?" Derek asks breathlessly as he slides himself into me. I know he is feeling my tightness around him. I know he loves it. "Oh god... Fuck... You are tight." He says with a smirk as he fills me to the brink. "Why what? What's going on?"_

_"Why do I do this? With you? Why?" I ask as he slides in and out, a shit eating grin on his face. "Why?" I ask as he slams my core with his huge dong. "Oh god... Why?" I pant as he slides in and out over and over._

_"Oh god... Why? Why do you have to be so fucking tight? Why does your pussy have to be dripping wet for me?" He asks with a big grin as he holds himself up with his hands on the bed. "Oh god... You are amazing!" He says as he takes a nipple in his mouth and sucks gently._

_"Oh god...Harder...Harder... Faster!" I pant out as I feel my heart start to beat rapidly. It feels like it is pounding out of my chest, Derek takes a bite of my nipple and smiles as I let out a groan. It hurts, and yet it feels so damn good._

_"Ow!" I shout as he grinds it between his teeth, licking it with his tongue. He bites and pounds, all at once. "Stop."_

_"You know you like it..." He tells me as he looks up. I can feel his muscle pulsating. It wants me. I want him. "Oh god... I am ready to cum... I am cumming. You cum for me... Cum for me... Come on, Mer." He begs, knowing that he is cumming himself._

_"Oh god... Oh...oh...oh...oh...ah...faster...oh god...YES!" I scream as I feel myself hit the edge and plummet. My walls contract hard and fast. My feet twitch uncontrollably. My face is twitching like crazy. I am losing control, my eyes rolling back in my head. "Oh..." I whimper loudly at I hit bottom._

_"Oh my god... Holy shit!" Derek spits as he shoots his seeds into my core and relaxes his body, letting our reflexes take over. "You are fucking great." He tells me as he lays there on top of me. "I love you..." He mutters as he leans down and kisses me._

_"I love you too." I reply with a smile. It feels so right./i_

I quickly sit up in my bed, looking around. I can feel my heart beating rapidly. It was just a dream. Thank god, it was just a dream. I don't love Derek. No way do I love him. Damn it. I can't believe that just happened. I must be losing my mind.

--

My morning routine has been shot to hell. It has been shot to hell because I can't do anything but think about that damn dream that I had about Derek. I told him I loved it. Can you believe I told him that? I don't love him! I don't get it. Why would my mind be thinking such things? Why would my subconscious be thinking about sex and love with Derek? All I know, is that I hate it. I hate that I had this dream. It makes me sick. I even disappoint myself.

Somehow I make it through the hell that is this morning. This morning filled with Derek love that I do not want, nor do I truly have. I pull on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I have no one to impress. In fact, I didn't even have to do a good job shaving. I love that part of being single. You shave when yo want. Go clean? Sure. Look like a beast? Maybe. You do what you want. You don't have to impress anyone.

"Morning..." I mutter as I stumble into the kitchen. I don't even bother to look up. I don't really care about who or what is in here.

"Good morning." I hear the familiar voice of Derek say happily.

I look up in shock. Derek is there. Derek is here. Derek is sitting at the counter on a stool. I thought for sure that he would be four hours into his eight hour trip by now. No. He is still there. He is still in our house. As my eyes look into his, I have to look away. I can't look into his eyes knowing that I had dream where I was in love with him. If I look into his eyes, he may know about this dream. I don't want him getting the wrong idea. He doesn't need to think I love him or something like that.

"Derek! What are you doing here?" I ask in shock as I look up at him. Not that I wanted to see him go. That void. It's the void that keeps me from being myself

"Well, we don't need to go home until tomorrow. I guess you are stuck with me." Derek jokes with a smile. He has a good smile. A good smile and honest eyes. No, I am not in love with him. I'm just stating a fact. It's the cock I am after. You know I like the cock.

"Oh... Joy." I say with a faint laugh as I grab a cup of coffee. I hope my face doesn't look like my grandma's if I drink all this coffee. Maybe I should switch to tea. Do tea drinkers have less stress and a less wrinkled look about them? Good thing to check out, I guess. Either way, I am drinking it.

"Yes. Joy. Pure joy, actually." Derek agrees with a smirk. He seems to be able to handle my sarcasm better than anyone I know. It's somewhat refreshing. I like someone who can play along in my little games. As long as they let me win.

"So... Would you like some breakfast?" My grandma asks happily. So chipper is she who smokes like a stack in an industrial zone. Perhaps she never saw the black lung that my mother showed me.

"Actually, grilled ham and cheese sounds good." I tell her happily. I like grilled ham and cheese and I swear she makes the best grilled ham and cheese ever.

"Coming up." My grandma says as she gets out the makings for everything out and places it on the counter. She seems so content pleasing others. I will never get how making others happy makes her so happy. I wonder if I will be that way. My aunt isn't. She doesn't care about pleasing others. She doesn't care about the Susie homemaker crap that grandma holds so dear.

"How does it feel to be served?" Derek asks as he looks up at me. That was a bold statement for that little man. I'd like to know who he thinks he is.

"My people love me." I reply arrogantly. They are my people. Everyone is my people. Everyone is there for me because I am so great. And lovely. All that good stuff... It's all me.

I watch as Mark plays around with the radio. I always cringe when I see him doing that. I know what he listens to and I know how grandma reacts. I can just see him blasting it on, and sending her into some sort of fit, rendering her unable to make my sandwich. That would be a true tragedy. I think I would cry, because I am actually hungry. I glare at Mark, and he just gives me a grin. I hope he gets smarter as he gets older.

It comes from nowhere. It comes from nowhere and every time I have the same reaction. I feel my stomach knot up so tightly I can't breathe. It is like I am trapped and I can't move. I can't move and I can't breathe. Everyone emotion that I have ever had seems to mix together in a tornado, right in my core. I tense up. I feel sick. Nausea is at the top of my list at the moment, as is getting the hell away. I quickly turn around and rush out of the room. I hide in the small half bathroom and try to hold back my tears. I can hear them talking, but just barely. I hate them. I hate them all. I have everyone.

"Is she okay?" Mark asks in shock as he looks around. I can only imagine that they figured out that that particular song makes me sick.

"Turn that song off!" My grandma says quickly as she looks over at him. I hear the radio go silent. There is silence throughout the house at the moment. I am sure those two are wondering what was going on.

"What is wrong with the song Heart Shaped Box? It's a good song. I've never heard anyone cry over it." Derek says frankly. I feel my stomach only knot more as I sit on the closed toilet lid. Did he have to say the name.

"We don't listen to that song in this house." She says curtly. I have never heard my grandma be curt in her life. Right now, she is being curt.

"I'm sorry, grandma." I hear Mark say meekly. I just sit in the bathroom and let the silent tears fall. I hate life. I hate it.


	36. Telling

Nothing is worse in life than that feeling. It is a feeling that I loathe. It is something that makes me upset and nervous. It's when someone has seen something. When they have experienced you going to through a meltdown. When they see you in that vulnerable position on the ground, exposed to the world. That is the worst thing. That is what I am feeling. I am feeling that right now.

I know Derek wants to talk about it. I know that he wants to discuss what happened. The thing about Derek is that he is quiet. He is a good guy. He doesn't push. He doesn't pressure. Instead, he stays silent and lets things go. At the same time, you know that he wants to know. It is always a balance. It is wondering what you should say and what should be said. It is wondering what will come back to get you in the end.

The problem with life is that everyone judges you. You can say it isn't so, but it is. It's like when you are in the front of the classroom. You know everyone is staring at you, but you tell yourself that they have more important things to do, like listen to the lecture. The truth is, they are staring at you. They are judging you. It is a sliding scale. It's like when you get on a real scale at a doctor's office, the kind they move to the notches and then slide until it balances, telling you your true weight. That is life. Everything you say is judged. People live on that sliding scale to me. When they say something I don't like, it goes to the left. I like it, it goes to the right. It's hard to stay in that perfect balance with me. I think about everything a person says and does.

Once you say something to someone, it opens that flood gate. Once the words are formed and pass your lips, you cannot take it back. The minute your sentence is finished and rational thought it s formed by the listener, you are done. This is the problem with spontaneity. You cannot take it back. People experience it all the time, disguised at foot in mouth syndrome or the like. You have to think about what you say. You have to know that it will be guarded as well as it was when it remained only yours.

I want to tell Derek. I want to, but I am so afraid. That opens the flood gate. That opens the door for him to judge me. People can't take what you say at face value. It seems that they always come to their own conclusions. They make up their on stories to fit the pieces that you gave them. It is a character flaw in most. So what do you do? Do you blab what it is you must get out in an inaudible panic. Or do you say every detail and possibly make the judgement that much more harsh?

"I made someone kill them self." I finally blurt out.

I can't believe I just said it. The minute it poured out, I regretted it. It's that damn not being able to take things back clause Now I have said it, and he will know. He will judge So Meredith killed someone. She is a murderer, he is saying. He has the right to say it. I feel it. I'm the one that goes to bed every night knowing what I have done. I live with it daily. I do suffer. I suffer for my sins.

"Oh." Derek replies as he looked forward. He is driving along, and I just said that I basically murdered someone. I'm sure that he is feeling something.

All I got was "oh". Just oh. How do you take that. Was it fear? Is he afraid that I am a lunatic or that I may do the same to him. Was it disgust? Perhaps he is already forming in his brain how he thought it played out. Was it curiosity? Perhaps he is waiting for me to to elaborate further. Something has to be going on in his head. Something.

I'm not going to elaborate. I can't. I may have fears that he will make up his own story, but I can't talk about it. Talking about it forces me to lay down and roll over. If I am going to do that, I may as well play dead. Some things need not be known and I think that is one of them. I never should have said a word to him. I hate myself for putting me in this position.

I wait for him to ask, and he doesn't. No response. No questions. No thoughts. Nothing. I'm not even sure how to take it. I guess I expected him to say or think something. Instead I got nothing. I'm not sure if it is a good or bad thing. The thing is, no matter what he is thinking, I am not. I am not going there. I made a mistake and now we just have to move on. I don't need to tell him.

"So where are we going?" I ask him nonchalantly as he drives along. Way to change the subject smoothly, even if Derek wasn't prying.

"We can go where ever you want." Derek tells me as he looks over. I see nothing/ No pity eyes. Nothing. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Let's just drive." I tell him with a nod. I just need fresh air. A fresh mind would be great too.

Driving does a lot for the mind. Silence is even better. I respect Derek. I hold him with such a high regard. He isn't pushing. If there is one thing that will send me running far away, it is when a man pushes me. It is when someone insists on knowing, just to know. When someone wants to know for their own selfish reasons. Derek doesn't seem fazed by it. He actually seems to not care. That is huge for me. That is what I need.

When we pull in the driveway, we don't speak. I don't speak as I climb out of the car. I just can't say anything. I can't look at him. I have to stay away and pretend that it isn't bothering me, even if it is so prevalent. It has been almost five years and I cant seem to forget any of it. It's amazing how something gets in and changes you everything. The way you think. The way you act. Everything.

"If you need to talk, I am here. For the night, of course. And on the phone, it that suits you." Derek said with a smile as he walk into the basement. I look over at him and draw in a breath.

"I'm fine." I tell him with a nod. Such a good lie. A very good lie. I have never once been fine in my life. Not when someone asked. If they asked, they had a reason to. That is because I am not fine. Not even close to it. If someone notices, that means I am in a bad way.

"Okay." Derek accepts it, as many before him have. It is just a general bullshit answer that slips so easily from my lips. It is almost poetic as the poisonous lie fills the air, hanging low, both of us drawing it into our lungs.

"Okay." I tell him as I close my door. As soon as it shuts, I gasp. The silent tears begin to flow, not falling so silently. I pray that my door is somewhat soundproof. I don't want him to hear. No one can hear.

I don't even make it to the bed. I am somewhat short, falling onto the floor. I don't even care that I am there, my head almost under the bed. I don't care where I am laying. You forget things that once mattered when you are in pain. Things become acceptable. Everything blurs in the painful silent scream that fills your head. I let my tears fall to the floor, filling the carpeting. If it were blood, would I feel less guilty?

I think many people toy with the idea of suicide. It has crossed my mind more often than not. There is something painfully beautiful about it. Your life is the one gift that you have received that is the most prevalent. You would be nothing without your life. It is meaningful and fulfilling if you do it correctly. It is so important, and yet so many find it so easy to throw away. It's final. It's dramatic. It is devastating. I have too much respect for myself and others. I suffer.

"Mer?" Derek asks softly as he enters my room.

At this moment, I am so angry at myself. I can't even stand to be in my skin. I should have learned my lesson. I should have hopped in the shower. I never should have let myself become so vulnerable. I allowed myself to be caught by Derek unintentionally. Now I have to react. I have no idea how to react when I feel this beaten down. I hate me right now. Right now, I do not like me very much.

"Oh my god, Meredith!" Derek says quickly as he looks down. I see him out of the corner of my eyes. Everything is white and blurry. I hate this. I am exposed.

"I'm fine." I said stone coldly as I sit bold upright. I need to turn off the tears and go to the emotionless self that I have trained myself to be.

"Oh, I don't think you are fine." Derek tells me as he sits down next to me. "I know fine. I hate to break it to you... This is not fine. Not even close." He says as he shakes his head.

"I just- I am fine. I just- I'm okay." I tell him with a nod as I nonchalantly wipe my tears with the back of my hand. I can't look over at him. If I look over at him, I will fall apart. I'm not fine. He knows it. It's not a secret between us. That doesn't mean we need to acknowledge it.

"Okay, let's see what else we can throw in there... We have fine. We have okay. How about, all right, fair, good, well... Anything else? I'm sure there are many more words you could use. They would be lies, but you could use them." Derek says with a smile as he looks over at me. "Perhaps there are better words to describe how you feel... Broken? Hurting, shattered, guilt ridden, defeated, dispirited, sad, angry... Any of those?" Derek asks me frankly.

There is something about him. It is how candid he is. He is non-judgemental. He is so unconcerned with everything. I feel shamed for what I have done, but he is making me feel like I shouldn't. He hasn't even talked to me, and I am feeling so much better. Not really better. I am feeling like I could possibly go on because one person in this world thinks that I am not the spawn of satan.

I want to tell him. I want to tell him so badly. Everyone else, I have felt the polar opposite. Everyone else made me feel like I should be locked up somewhere with a sign on my back, saying just how I have wronged. Even my family thinks I am evil for what I have done. I was young. I didn't know. And yet, they carry it. They are shamed because there are people in the world who blame me for the loss of a life. Maybe they should blame me. Maybe not. Either way, everyone in my world does. So why not everyone in the rest of the world.

"It's okay. You need to get this out. You need to get your feelings out before you implode." Derek tells me softly. Maybe he is right. I feel explosive. If I implode, I kill myself. If I explode, we both shall suffer. Right now, he is asking me to explode. I don't know how to diffuse the bomb that is inside of me.

"Yeah..." I agree as I breath out deeply. I can't get the air out of me quickly enough. It has been like I have held that stagnant air in my chest for five years. "I will never forgive myself..."

Derek looks at me. I can't read him. I can't tell if he is feeling pity or if he is really that understanding. Nothing is worse than masked pity. Masked pity makes you think the person you are speaking is not judgmental or feeling sorry for you. The worst thing in the world is when you find out that they really are looking down on you. That makes you fee completely worthless. I'm not sure how Derek feels, but I am taking a chance and I hope I don't regret it.

"Just... Tell me your story." Derek says softly as he grabs my hand. I would normally pull it away and run. Instead I look away and remain there. I don't want him to see the tears falling from my eyes.

"Johnny loved me." I tell him with a nod. There was never a doubt in my mind that in his mind he truly thought he loved me. Maybe he really did love me. I can't say what or how someone is feeling. I can't pretend to know what is going on in someone's head or heart. "I mean, he thought he did. He really thought he loved me. I don't know if he did. I think it was just obsession." I tell Derek with a nod.

I do think it was obsession. That is what I always thought. It wasn't like I could feel the love between us. There was no love, not that I could feel. Maybe I should have pretended. That is what everyone said. They said I had been selfish in the way I reacted. How can they judge me like that? I am who I am. I feel what I feel. So I should lie for the sake of everyone else? Apparently, that is what they wanted. It is what they always wanted.

"Maybe it was obsession." Derek points out. He doesn't even know what I am talking about. Not unless he reads minds, I will let it slide. I think this is him doing the whole understanding thing. "So what happened?"

"He would follow me all around. It didn't matter where I was, or who I was with. He followed. I would be in the most insignificant places and he would be there. Places he had no reason to go, and his car was behind mine, whether I was driving or riding with a friend." I tell Derek. It almost brings chills down my spine and it comes washing back.

"So he was a stalker?" Derek questions. I hate putting it that way. That almost makes Johnny sound like a bad person, and he really wasn't. He was just confused.

"I guess you could say that. I mean, he wasn't a kill you with a knife in your sleep stalker. He was more of a gentle stalker. He just wanted me to notice him." I say as I tear up. This has always been my guilt. "He just wanted me to notice him, and I treated him like shit." I say as I sob. I feel Derek's strong hand on my back as he rubs gently. It feels good. I will never admit it to anyone, but it feels amazing.

"You were young, Mer." Derek tells me. He is right. He is right, I was young. Youth and stupidity pushed Johnny over the edge.

"I was fifteen. He was eighteen." I tell him frankly. Three years is nothing, but when I was fifteen, it seemed like everything. He was old, and I was young. "He was a nerd, Derek. A total dork. He was nice, but he was not smart. He was just... Nice. He never did anything to hurt me. All he did... All he did was love me." I tell him as I burst into tears once again. They shake my body from my core. I can't hold it together. This has been inside for so long, screaming to get out.

"You were young, Meredith. You were young, and I am sure that you had a ton of outside influence from your friends. If he was a dork, like you say, then I am sure your friends were ribbing you about it." Derek says, hitting the nail on the head.

They did. everyone teased me about him. They said he was such a dork and that was stalker I got. I could have gotten a hot stalker, instead I got the nerd. He was always nice to me. I never hated him. He was nice and he would have made a good friend. I couldn't be his friend. They wouldn't let me. They never would have stopped teasing me about it. I just hid from him. He would follow and I would dart and hide. I used him. I would make him bring me things. Food, whatever I wanted. He had to pay to be around me. I guess I was a prostitute." I point out as I look away and feel the tears slide down my cheeks. The salt burns, probably for good reason. I am evil. I am an evil person.

"You are not a prostitute. Mer, you were young. From what I gather, you had no one around your whole life. You had no one to tell you what was right and wrong. You had friends. Friends who wanted you to do what they wanted you to do. I'm sorry for saying this, but you were a puppet. Plain and simple, you were a puppet. And this is not your fault. Whatever happened, you didn't do it purposely. You are not a bad person, not by any means. You give yourself no credit. You are an amazing girl, and all you do it cut yourself down." Derek says as he shakes his head.

"I knew I was breaking his heart. You can see it in a person's eyes. I was breaking his heart and I guess I didn't care. If I cared, I would have taken it back. I didn't take it back, even after I saw what I said did to him. I will go to hell, Derek. If there is a hell, I will be going there. Things like this aren't forgiven. I will never be forgiven." I say frankly as I feel the tears still sliding. If they keep up, surely I will dehydrate and die.

"It can't be that bad, Mer." Derek tells me with a nod. "What could have happened to make you think you are to blame for everything that has gone wrong in the world?" He asks. So much. I should have just let myself love him. Maybe he would be alive if I lied to him and to myself.


	37. The Pain is Released

Derek gives me solace. I feel so much better when he is around. I can't admit that to him. If I did, I would look weak and helpless. That would make me vulnerable. I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone at all. I can do everything I need on my own. I was trained to be alone, and I can handle it. No one should ever need anyone. I think that the key to a good relationship is being independent. If you can do things on your own, surely you will be even better with some support. Nonetheless, I do not want support. Not at all. Alone suits me.

"He had been following me around forever. It had gotten so bad, everyone would ask where he was if he wasn't there. He was my puppy, they said. Everyone thought it was cute. My grandparents found it adorable that someone was so in love. I thought it was creepy. My friends thought it was creepy. He was older than me, Derek. Not by a lot when you get older, but when you are a kid and not looking for that, it scares you." I explain as I attempt to calm myself down. I need to relax or I will be sick.

"That is understandable, Mer. That is something that you can't help but feel." Derek tells me as he strokes my arm. My head is telling me to run away from him and forget all of this. I want to escape the pain that is creeping up on me. My head says run, my heart says stay, Derek will take care of me.

"Like I said, he was always there. And me, I was always hiding. It just felt wrong. I felt like a woman, and I didn't like it. He wanted me. He wanted all of me. He wanted love and sex. I couldn't do it, Derek- Not after- I could not do it. It was too much. At some point someone asked me when he was going to mount me. It made me sick. It made my stomach turn. Maybe I should have tossed myself aside. I guess it would have saved him." I say with a sigh. I have always been confused as to what I was supposed to say and do.

"So what exactly happened?" Derek asked. I guess he wants e to get onto the story. Can't he see, I am avoiding. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about any of it. I draw in a breath as I think back.

i_It's a warm day. I'm actually not a fan of the heat. If it were up to me, I'd rather be just a touch cold. And I don't like the sun. We need it to live, and get it can inadvertently kill us. It makes me literally sick when I am in it too long. Having horses, this isn't a good mixture. When I was little, I would beg the instructor to let us ride in the indoor arena, even on a beautiful day. I have been able to tolerate it more and more, but it will still occasionally give me splitting headaches._

_He is here. He is always here. The minute I see his car drive in, I feel tense. My friends say he is a nerd, and he is. He is nice, and caring, but he is a huge nerd. He's not very smart, either. I mean, why does he have to chase after me? Why can't he just go away? Just one of my friends has said I should hang out with him. He has a car, and a job. He could be great for me. I could at least have fun. She said who cares what everyone else says or thinks? She doesn't know. She has no idea. I can't do it. I can't get close. I get close and I get hurt. I hate them. I hate them all._

_"Hey, Mer." Johnny says as he walks into the barn aisle. Today, I decided not to hide. Everyone has left me. They always do. Let's leave Mer out on a limb, it will be funny to watch her dangle._

_"Oh... Johnny... Hey." I say slowly. Can't believe he doesn't see it. How can he not see how I am feeling. Why is he hanging out when all I do is ignore him and run away. Instead of walking away, he stands here and looks even more like a fool. "What's going on?" More like, why are you here, you dumbass?_

_"Not much. I just thought I'd stop by and see what you are doing. Are you going to ride? It's a nice day, you should ride." He suggests innocently. You would like that, wouldn't you? Just stop by? You never leave. You were already by my house this morning. Just stopping by. Yeah, right._

_"No. I am not riding today." I say curtly. Maybe he will listen to my tone and run from the crazy bitch. I'm getting mad. He has got to leave me alone. He can go straight to hell for all I care. He just needs to leave._

_"Oh... It's such a nice day. I thought you would ride. You should think about it." He says simply as he sips his soda. I fight the urge to smash his glasses into his face. Shards of lenses in his eyes. How mean is that? I am there. I am on that level._

_"Maybe I would ride if I wanted to. Did you ever thing about that? Do you think I'm that fucking stupid? I don't know that the sun is shining? I'm not a fucking idiot!" I say loudly. I am getting angry. He needs to leave me alone. Now!_

_"Oh..." Johnny says softly, I think I ht a nerve with him. I can't stop now. I am on a roll._

_"And why are you here, anyway? Don't you have a life? You walk around chasing kids, you pedophile? What is wrong with you? You need to get a life." I tell him as I glare into his eyes. He is standing there. What is wrong with him?_

_"I can't, Mer... I love you." Johnny says quickly. I look at him in shock. Did he really say it? Did he say he loved me._

_"What?" I ask in shock. I can't believe it._

_"I love you. You are the love of my life." He says with a sigh. I feel a stone in my belly. Oh god._

_These words hit me like a ton of bricks. I always thought it was infatuation. Never love. I never considered the fact that he may actually feel something more than an insignificant crush. Those words, the love of his life... I don't know how he can even say them. How can he love me? How can he possibly love me when he doesn't even know me? He follows me around, but he does not know me. Not at all. You cannot just throw love out there. You have to feel it._

_"How? How can I be the love of your life? You don't even fucking know me, you loser!" I shout. I am being harsh. I know I am. At the same time, I can't believe him. I want to be mean. I want him to run away with his tail between his legs. He doesn't need to love me. I don't want anyone to love me._

_"I look at you, Mer... I love you. There is not a question in my mind. We are supposed to be together. I love everything about you. You have an amazing smile. You are a great person. You are so pretty. I look at you, and I know you are the love of my life." Johnny tells me with a smile. I look at him and frown. He cannot be doing this to me. I must have to put it in terms he understands._

_"No. I don't love you. You make me sick. You are a creepy stalker who needs to get a life. You make me so sick, I could puke on myself. Why don't you go after someone your own age? You are such a loser! A pedophile. You need to get a life, Johnny. I don't like you! Do you think I would ever stood that low? I have standards and you are so below them, I can't even acknowledge you. In fact, you shouldn't be here! Get the hell out of here. I don't want to see you ever again." I tell him loudly._

_Looking at his face, I don't think I have ever hurt someone so badly in my life. I am fairly certain I just crushed him. I sucked the life right out of him. His eyes went from light and hopeful to something entirely different. It was like all the light that once consumed him, burned down to the socket, leaving darkness and despair._

_I watch as he walks away. He doesn't say a word as he climbs in his car. Maybe I should have been nicer. The truth is, he dumb. I had to get my point across and get it stuck in his head. I am not interested in him and he needs to move on as far and as fast as he can. As I watch his car pull away, I feel guilt dragging me down like a fifty pound weight. I have a bad feeling I was far too cruel._

_"Wow, Mer! You finally stood up to him." I hear one of my barn friends say. I look up at her and nod my head. The funny thing is, She is right. I did stand up to him, and yet, I have never felt so bad in my life. It is sinking in quickly that I am a bad person. A really bad person._

"Mer, this is not your fault. Whatever happened, is not your fault. You were a little harsh, but you were young. I cannot imagine having this kind of thing happen. You said the first things that came to your mind. If what you said upset him so badly, maybe he is the one that had problems. I mean, he obviously had problems, but maybe he had some serious emotional issues." Derek tells me as he looks over.

This is what people do. They are doing it to support me, but it doesn't make me feel a ton better. In saying this, they are knocking Johnny down. They are making him sound like a terrible person. Through the years of thinking, I have decided that he wasn't a bad person. He was a confused person. Every time I think back to the day when I was so rude to him, I think about his face. There was a look in his eyes. He was genuine. He completely believed what he was saying. He may have had true love for me. That is what hurts. So when people cut him down, it upsets me. He was the victim, not me. Maybe I enjoy my indulgence in the pain that surrounds me.

"No. He was- He wasn't insane, Derek. He was fine. He was just in love. Who am I to judge? I don't know what he was feeling. He may have loved me, I just didn't love him." I explain. I already know what he is thinking. He is thinking the same thing everyone else does. He is thinking that I have formed my own delusion in order to except it. My friends tell me that I have put Johnny on a pedestal and perhaps I enjoy my pain. I don't know anything anymore.

"So what happened to him?" Derek finally asks. I'm sure that like others, he is getting irritated by my lack of acceptance. "What was so bad?" Derek asked with a frown.

"He killed himself.." I blurt out. As if that wasn't obvious. It was painfully obvious considering I already told I made someone kill them self. "It was horrible."

i_I feel bad. Everyone thinks it was a joke, but I feel bad. I feel like I was way too harsh to him. I should have just calmly explained that I didn't have the same feelings that he did. That was not what I did. Instead, I attacked him. I have a real problem with attacking when I am uncomfortable. I will hurt you before you hurt me. I need to stop, I've already hurt someone's feelings. I know I did by the look in his eyes._

_My friend's mom drives me home. I'm not sure that she knows what has happened. She was always right alongside the others in the teasing. She wasn't being mean abut it, just teasing me about my secret lover. My secret admirer. Everyone thinks it's so cute, and yet they give me a hard time. I just want to go home. I am ready to go lay in my bed and forgot this day. Maybe Johnny will come back and I can apologize to him._

_As she drops me in the driveway, I mutter a quiet goodbye and thank you. I can't even tell you what her response was as I walk up my driveway in my riding boots and breeches. I feel like my legs are made of stone. I don't even want to walk. I would be quite content to lay down in the bushes and die. Somehow, that would be far too easy. I guess I am doomed to suffer._

_As I walk in the door, I feel a chill. I can't even tell you what the chill is. It is just an uneasy feeling all over my body. I drop my bag and sit down on the bench by our door. My mom has a thing about manure and if I don't rip my boots off and leave them, she will have a fit. Getting your field boots off is next to impossible by yourself, but somehow I manage to do it using the boot pulls. Just as I place the second boot to the side, I see my mom's shadow._

_"Hey." I say softly as I look up at her. By the look on her face, this is bad. Something is wrong. "What?" I ask quickly. Looking at her, I see a mixture of many things. Grief and hate being at the top of the list._

_"They hate me. They hate us..." She mutters as she looks at me. Honestly, I think she is looking right through me. It is as if she is boring holes into me. Holes of hate and anger. "I don't know how I am supposed to go to work tomorrow." She says quickly._

_"What is going on, mom? Is everything okay?" I ask as I sit there, looking up. I have that sinking feeling in my gut, but I'm feeling okay. "Mom?"_

_"The Miller's... They hate me. He is my chief and he hates me. I have no idea how I am supposed to go on at the hospital." She tells me with a frown. I can only wonder what she has done to ruin her career._

_"What did you do?" I ask quickly. My mother is always pushing things to the limit and I am sure she made some mistake that she will be held accountable for._

_"Not me! You! You, Meredith. He is dead. Their only son in dead and you did it." I hear her yell at me. I feel sick. The Millers. Our neighbors down the road. Johnny. "He killed himself." _

_"What?" I ask in shock as I look into her eyes. Surely there has been a mistake. There is no way that Johnny can be dead. No way. I just saw him. I saw him before I came home. It had been a few hours. Just a few hours. "What do you mean, dead?" I ask in a panic._

_"He hung himself off of their balcony." She tells me. I can see in her eyes that she is angry with me. "He was so upset. I don't know what you did to him, but he did it. He killed himself. I hope you are happy. I will never be able to work in this town again. You are just like your father. You are so selfish!" She yells at me. _

_I quickly jump up and run up the stairs. I feel so sick. Johnny is dead and it is my fault. I yelled at him. I told him what a horrible person he was. He hung himself because of me. As I lay on my bed, I feel my heart pumping so quickly. Life is unfair. How could he do this to himself? How could he take it all away? I feel the tears pour out onto my pillow. My stomach is sick. I fee like I could vomit. I will never forgive myself. Never._

_iThere is no worse feeling in the world than laying in the bed in pain. I'm usually not the one to lay in the bed and cry. Generally I try to hold onto a regular life and pretend I'm okay. Not right now. Right now I feel horrible. Right now I just want to lay here and feel bad for myself. It is like a never ending pain. It is like something you can't escape, no matter how you try to evade._

_As I let my tears fall, all I can see is his face. I will never forget the disappointment that filled him. It was like he had heard the worse news of his life. His eyes had been full of complete devastation. Now his eyes were nothing. Now his eyes were hollow and dead. Now his his skin was cold and gray. Now Johnny was laying on a cold slab in a morgue somewhere. I can't take this grief. I can't stop thinking about how I pushed someone over the edge._

_I wonder if Johnny wanted a family. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he had dreams and aspirations. I know he wanted to go in the army. Both of his doctor parents wanted him to go to college and medical school. That is the thing about our parents, they steer us. They want us to go a certain way and we are expected to. He didn't want to do that. He said he was going to be a marine. Now he was nothing. Everything is over for him. I wonder if in his final gasping breath, if he regretted anything. I wonder if he fought the rope, deciding he really didn't want to die. Or perhaps, he hung there, taking death happily, immersing himself in his pain. These are things I wonder. This what has me crying. This is what debilitates me._

_Somehow I decide to pull myself out of bed. My stomach hurts. I feel as if I swallowed poison. Maybe I should swallow poison. I deserve it. I hurt so bad. It's not just Johnny. It's him. It's Jack. But he doesn't matter. But maybe he does. Maybe if it weren't for Jack, I would have been ready. Perhaps if not for Jack, I could have given Johnny what he wanted. I wasn't ready. I don't think I will ever be ready. I am afraid to love. I don't want to love. And if I couldn't have feelings for someone who was willing to do anything to have me, how will I ever have feelings for anyone?_

_I creep down the stairs. I am sure my mom is at the hospital. She never even came to check on me. Quite honestly, I am not surprised. She just doesn't care. I guess she doesn't love me. Truthfully, I know that isn't true. She loves me in her own way. She loves me in the way that only Ellis Grey can. It is diluted. It has a bitter taste. _

_My body aches as take each step. I think most of the pain is mental. I should hurt the way he hurt. I should suffer the way I made him suffer. I need a drink. My body is parched from all of the tears. My head is pounding from the crying and the dehydration. As I walk through the dark kitchen, I feel a chill come over me. I keep expecting him to be at the door, wanting to talk. He won't do that. He can't do that. He's dead. _

_He's dead, so now that means that he can show up anytime. I don't believe in ghosts and all that nonsense. Yet, right now, I feel as if I may pee my pants. He would be well within his supernatural rights to come up from behind and hurt me. At the least, he should scare me. I pour myself water with my shaky hand. I'm lucky it is going in the glass at all._

_"Okay... If you are here, I'm sorry Johnny. I'm so sorry!" I cry out. "And now I have reached the ranks of insane, seeing as I am talking to the dead. Way to go, Mer."_

_I turn around and lean against the countertop so as to be able to see all around. I want to see his dark ghostly ass coming at me. Of course I see nothing. I'm sure he is so mad at me, he wouldn't even waste his time on me. As I look around in the dark, seeing all kinds of shadows that could be pissed off dead men, I see a piece of paper. I raise my brow as I reach for it. In the dark, I cannot read it's writing. I flip in the light over the stove and gasp. I see his handwriting. It's a copy, but it is his._

_"I just can't do it anymore. It's become clear to me that I will never fit in this world. I am the puzzle piece that was mis-cut. I'm tired of people trying to shove me where I don't fit. The only fit I had was with Meredith and she didn't want me. If she can't love me, no one ever will. I have no reason to go on through this daily suffering. Don't blame yourselves, this was all me."_

_ -Johnny_

_I drop the paper. It is creepy and eerie. It really was my fault. He said it. If I couldn't love him. Maybe I should have lied to him and myself. I could have lived a lifetime of lies. I should have lived a lie. At least if I did, a mother and father wouldn't be missing their son. This is all on me. He spelled it out. It was Meredith, all Meredith. How do you go on after this? You just don't./i_

"Meredith, you did not do this. Don't you see?" Derek asks me frankly. I look at him. What the hell is he talking about? I just told him what the letter said. Suicide note. It said I did it. Hello.

"No." I growl as I look him in the eyes. The tears have stopped and now I am getting mad. "I just told you what it said."

"Yes, you did. You said he was a puzzle piece that was mis-cut. Don't you listen? Him. He was. This wasn't you. He had been feeling bad his whole life. This is probably how it had been for him. He probably grew up feeling the pressure of his parents and questioning whether or not he was inferior. This wasn't you. You were just the means for an out. You were a scapegoat. You were the fall guy." Derek tells me frankly.

I look at him. Damn him for trying to rationalize this. I'm not even sure why I am getting mad at him, but I am. It's like he is trying to chisel away that protective coating. He is trying to take my pain away from me. Maybe I like my pain. Sounds sick, but I am beginning to wonder. Maybe I am just a horrible twisted person who can't feel love.

"Just- Just fuck me, Derek." I say as I roll towards him. "Fuck me now!" I tell him as I rip off my shirt.


	38. Covering Up

I do this. I always do this. This is my release. Sex is a great release. It masks my pain. It is so much easier than sobbing in front of Derek. Surely this will become a habit for me. When I can't deal, I will sex. If I am sad, I will sex. Sexing is much easier than accepting the things that are going through your head. There is that moment, before you cum when everything is pure and white. My mind goes blank and I breathe. It staves off my orgasm, keeping me in a perfect balance, holding me over the edge in pleasure. That is what I seek. That is what I need.

"What?" Derek asks in shock as he looks at me. I am vulnerable. I'm not a fan of being nude, but right now, somehow it doesn't matter. Right now, I am before him in my bra, praying he will take that pain away.

"Fuck me." I growl as I grab his shirt and begin to pull it over his head. Surely I can convince him of what he needs. "I need you to fuck me, and I need it now." I say frankly as I toss his shirt and go to work on my own bra. I toss it aside and am now before him. He can't turn me down.

"Mer... I don't think this is how you should-" He starts to say. I don't want to hear what he has to say. In fact, I couldn't care any less. I quickly shove him backwards, sending him to the floor on his shirtless back.

"This is what I want." I tell him snappily as I lay over him and begin to work on the button on his jeans. He looks at me in shock. I don't think he knows how to react. The truth is, it would be smart for him to not react at all. It would be smartest for him to lay there and let me do as I please.

"This is not what you need." He groans. Yep, he is in a personal struggle. Should he get laid, or do the right thing? I can see it in his eyes. I don't care. I know what I want. I quickly grasp the sides of his jeans and boxers.

"You need to lift your ass up." I tell him as I tug. Surprisingly, he actually does as I say. I think he knows it isn't worth the fight. I have to say, his cock won't lie. His cock is on end like the huge meaty member that it is. His cock wants it, even if he tries to lie to me and say no.

"I think you are-" He starts again. I am not giving him a choice in this matter. I am going to tell him what to do and say. His thoughts are not important.

"Am going to fuck you, yes. Yes, I am. And you are going to shut up! I know what I want. I know what I need." I tell him as I unbutton my jeans and slide them down with my panties. I quickly contort myself and take them off. I need that cock inside of me. I need that release so badly.

"Oh." He says meekly. Derek has gone somewhat silent. I look at his cock and smile. My head hurts and my nose is plugged up. I actually feel pretty sick, but not too sick to fuck. I straddle his legs and run my hands over his thighs. The perfect amount of muscle on a body. I draw in a breath. Everything about him is hard. My soft hands go over his hips, running along his bush. I actually hate it. I wish he was bare, but I won't say anything. Hair means nothing to me right now. "Oh god..." He groans as he feels my hand run over his hard shaft.

"Do you like that?" I ask as I milk it softly, only able to get my hand part of the way around it's girth. "I bet you do..." I tell him as I run my thumb over it's glistening beet red head. I let out a breath as I scoot my way up and hover over his cock. I am in the zone now. There are no thoughts of Johnny. Just sex. It is the fog.

"Oh god, Mer." I hear him moan as I run my clit over his cock. I know he wants to go there. He can't resist my dripping wet core.

"Oh yes, Derek." I say as I slowly sink my weight onto him. I close my eyes and groan as I feel his thickness fill me up. It is slightly painful as he spreads my walls, but I like a little pain. Pain reminds me that I am alive. I gently pull myself up off of him and slide back down, feeling my hot fluid easing him in and out of me. I was going to ride him hard, but somehow I can't get myself going. "Tell me, Derek. Tell me! Tell me what you want! Tell me how it feels!" I demand, wanting him to beg me.

"Oh god, Mer. You are so tight. You are perfect. Fuck, you are great." He tells me loudly as as he grasps my hips. Apparently his thoughts of resistance are also gone. It's funny what pussy can do to a man.

I close my eyes as I rock hard on top of him. I close my eyes so that I can feel it. I need to feel it rip through my body, one pleasure filled wave after another. He is everything I need right now, and everything I want. I will let our needs consume me so that I lose sight of the pain that is there and so opaque. I never knew my pain was obvious until I looked into Derek's eyes and saw the reflection of my own.

"Oh god! Oh god!" I cry out as I feel my body tensing up. I gasp for breath, waiting for that minute when I hold it and let it all crash down. Derek's cock is pulsating strongly as it prepares to blow it's load. "Oh god... I'm...Oh!" I cry out.

"I'm cumming. I'm fucking cumming. Cum with me, Mer. Cum with me." Derek begs me as he grabs my hands firmly. I feel our finger entwine as my walls crash around him tightly, milking his essence from his hard veiny cock. "Oh god!" He grunts as he releases in my core, mixing with my own hot sticky fluid.

"Oh...Oh..." I pant as I stay straddled on him, feeling our bodies reacting to each other. Now for the fun. The fun has ended, and what comes next... Well, let's just say I'd rather sex it out.

I lay there on the floor. His cum is pouring out of me, and I just lay there. There is no attempt to clean myself. At this moment, I am thinking about the fact that if they brought a black light into this room, oh how grandma would see my sins. I am not thinking about the things I should be thinking about. Just the stupid stuff. Anything to avoid the pain that is my past. Anything to lighten my spirit and make me whole again. I have to admit, I doubt that will ever happen.

"Mer..." I hear Derek say. My god, why can't the man just enjoy his orgasm? No. Of course not. Right now he wants to talk about my life. Why can't he just make me cum again instead of talking about my feelings. Damn man. He's not really a man at all.

"What, Derek?" I snap. Okay, he probably didn't deserve the snap, but that is what he got. Who does he think he is, trying to get in my head and walk around. I hate that more than anything. "What do you want?"

"Sex doesn't change anything. You still feel the same." He tells me. Now that was a big mistake. Telling me how I feel.

"You don't know that. Maybe I feel fucking great, Derek. Maybe I am wonderful. In fact, I am wonderful. Thanks for the orgasm." I say as I reach for my shirt and pull it over my head.

"Why don't you like to feel?" Derek asks me. Okay, now he is a psychologist. "I mean, feeling is part of life. Feeling is the best part of being alive and being human. You have feelings and you chose to ignore them. I will never understand it, Mer. You know if you dealt with things now, it would only get better. This denial thing is stupid."

"Why are you doing this? Did I ask for your opinion? No! I did not. Just- Go. Leave, Derek. Leave my room." I say as I stand up. Right now I am so mad at him. I can't believe he is doing this. Why is he doing this to me?

"This is what you do. You push people away. This is so stupid, Mer." Derek tells me. Damn it. How does he do this? How does he peg me? Why does he peg me?

As I sit on the bed, I have no idea what to do. I have just poured my heart out to him. I have put myself in that horrible vulnerable position. I hate this more than anything. I do this often. I do this all of the time. I say things and then I regret it. I pour my heart out, only to get trampled. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. Now he is going to judge me. I can't stop him from forming opinions about me and my situation. Why do I do this to myself?

"I do nothing, Derek. I don't know what you are talking about." I lie as I look away. I can't look at him. I may break. I need to show that I am okay. I need him to know that I am fine and not in distress like he thinks I am. "I am fine."

"There is more to this." Derek says quickly. That catches my attention, and it catches it quickly.

I look over at him. There is more. There is always more. How does he know? How does he even have an idea that there is more. Johnny was unfortunate, but he wasn't the problem. It was Jack that was the problem. Jack shook me so deep in my soul, I will never come back. Jack is the reason I couldn't love Johnny. Jack ruined me. He made me a different person. Right now, I hate Derek. I hate him for even suggesting that there is more.

"I knew it. I knew there was more." Derek muses. I don't pay attention to him. Maybe if I sit here in silence, he will just shut his mouth and not think. Maybe he will drop whatever it is that he had thought or or formed about my life. "There is, isn't there?" Derek asks again. Apparently I was wrong. He has not forgotten. Damn.

"You know what, Derek? I hate you! I hate you so much." I growl as I look him in the eyes with my clenched jaw and hard face. Now it is time to hurt him. He has hurt me. "Maybe you need to worry about your own life? you are the loser here. You can't even- You are such a loser, worrying about my problems when you have your own. Anyone who does what we are doing has problems. Oh yeah, you heard me. You have problems, Derek. Commitment issues. Probably mental issues too!" I say loudly. Hopefully I have gotten to him. I want to hurt him.

"Throwing it on my will not work, Mer. Not to mention, my problems are just that. They are my problems. And I don't think I am in the same state as you. You are in distress, Mer. You need to talk. You talk and then you drop. You don't wait for someone to support you. You automatically think that I will judge or hurt you. Then you do this bullshit of I will hurt you back. It's a vicious cycle, and you need to get over it." Derek tells me as he grabs my hand.

"You don't know me, Derek. Why do you insist on pretending that you do?" I ask him as I look away. No one knows me. I don't even know myself anymore.

"Because you need someone to know you, Meredith. And I do know you. You are far more transparent than you think. Well, at least you are to someone who is looking. You are damaged, but no beyond repair. You are sad, but that can be fixed. Tell me what else happened. What happened before Johnny?" He asks with a frown and a sigh.

"Fuck you, Derek. You don't know me. You never will." I say as I rip my pants off the floor and throw them on. I am done with him. Fuck this.

"Meredith! Meredith, wait." Derek says quickly as he jumps off the floor and stands up. I don't say a word. I know he is standing there completely nude. Right now I don't care. At the moment, I couldn't care any less. "You need to-"

"You have no idea what I need." I say angrily. This is me. This is my problem. Now I am lashing out because I let myself get vulnerable. What's worse, I got vulnerable in front of the last person that I ever wanted to see me that way. Derek had a clear view of me. It was a good view. He had no idea of the nasty secrets that I am holding inside of me. Now he knows some, and he will hate me for it. I can't bear to look him in the eyes because I know what he is doing. He is judging.

"You're right! Just- Stop. You are right, Meredith. I have no idea what you need. You know what you need more than anyone. I just want to help you. If it makes you feel better to talk to me, then I want you to. If not, than it's okay. I felt you opening up. I think you needed it. You needed it really bad. Now you are scared, and that is okay. It will be okay." Derek says with a nod as he looks tips my chin and looks me in the eyes.

As I stand here in front of him, I draw in a breath. He is right. I should not have said anything, but the truth is, I needed to. I needed to get it out. The problem is, I don't need someone that is going to indulge in my drama. I don't need someone who is going to blow it out of proportion like it is something that a movie should be made out of. I just need one person to make me feel better so that I can move on. My family makes me feel shameful, and the rest of the world looks at me in shock. I just want it to be forgotten. Is that so hard?

"I want it to go away." I tell him frankly as I look down. Once again, I cannot look into his eyes. Once again, I can't let him see into my soul, something he does so well.

"Then make it go away. You are the one. You have to make it go away, and no one else." He tells me frankly, s if he know exactly what I need.

"How? How do I make it go away?" I ask as I glance down at his package. It is right there before me, looking like perfection. "For god's sake, put some clothes on." I say with a giggle. If that isn't distracting, I don't know what is.

"What? Are you not comfortable with my nakedness?" Derek asks with a laugh as he shakes himself. At least he can make light at the moment. Right now, I need light.

"Um, well, usually I'm fine, but right now... Yeah." I say as I grab his pants and hold them up for him. I smile as he grabs his boxers and tosses them on.

"So you are ready? To talk to me?" He asks with a smile. Apparently he thinks this lightness has made me open up. Sometimes he is so stupid. Sometimes he is such a boy.

"No. Not really. I just talked to you." I point out with a nod. "Why would I need to talk to you again?" I ask him frankly. Right now, I don't even think that he is thinking about what I said. He isn't standing there trying to piece it all together and judge me. I don't even think anything is crossing his mind.

"I don't know. I just thought- I know there is a lot more to this story." Derek says with a frank nod. He acts like he knows, but the funny thing is, he has no idea. He has no idea what goes on in my head.

"Yeah, well, I already... I don't need this." I tell him as I shake my head no quickly. I don't need it. I don't need the stress right now. I already feel like I am dying inside. I don't need to have anything extra from him. I need nothing more to bear on my collapsing shoulders.

"Okay." He says with a nod. That was it? Okay and he was going to drop it? I can't believe it. I really can't. Usually everyone pushes and they push to far. He is actually dropping it.

"Okay?" I ask in shock. I mean, I have to ask. I think this may be monumental. I think this is probably a huge deal.

"Yes. If you don't want to talk, you don't have to." He says with a nod. Now I am wondering if this is some sort of reverse psychology. Now that I am aware, I will be able to counter it if need be. "In fact, I can think of something so much better to do than to just talk." He says as he grabs my hands and turns me around.

"Oh yeah? What is that?" I ask with a raised brow. I think I already know what that is. I think I may be dripping wet in anticipation.

"I love to eat pussy." He tells me with a big nod. What a bold statement. What a statement that most girls can love and cause them to become endearing over such a person that makes said statement.

"Do you now?" I ask with a raised brow as I allow him to lay me back on the bed. I let out a faint sigh as my head rests on the thick comforter. I feel like I am laying on a cloud as Derek gently works on my buttons and zipper, tugging my jeans and panties off, tossing them aside.

"I do." Derek breathes over my et pussy lips. I can fee the heat rising from my core and from where is hot breath is teasing me. I take in a deep breath as I feel his long tongue slide along one lip and down the other. Nothing feels better than his mouth gently grazing my womanhood with the intent of causing me pleasure.

"Oh... Yeah..." I sigh as he spreads my lips with his tongue, taking a taste of my wet slit. I moan as he dips his tongue deep within my vagina, teasing me as he makes it pulsate. "Oh...Oh...Oh..." I pant as he runs up to my clit and flicks it, starting gently and increasing in force and speed. I gasp for breath as I feel my orgasm so near. Derek isn't letting off as he takes nips of my clit and then begins to flick again. "Oh god, oh god!" I shout as I feel myself there and on the edge. I feel the wave crash down hard as he pushes harder and farther. I feel my whole core pulsate and contract reacting to the pleasure he just gave me.

"Good?" He asks with a smile as he comes up from drinking me dry. I just smile. All I can do it smile.

I lay back on the bed and close my eyes. I'm tired. It's an emotional tired that I seem to carry around on me. I have likened myself to a pack mule and that is the way I live my life. I walk by, and everyone throws just one more thing on me. I let myself stumble along. Part of me questions how they will react when I finally collapse from the load, letting all of their secrets and precious cargo fall to the earth, covered but a thin layer of clay dust from the soil. I guess we will see, because it had yet to happen.

I feel Derek lay beside me on the bed. He won't stay there. I won't allow him. I never let boys stay in my bed. He has no reason to be in my bed. I hold my bed in my hand, clutching it tightly. It's a place where I can be alone. It's sacred to me. There I can lay and be myself. I can cry if I need to. I can do whatever I want, and I don't want to share it. I want to keep it to myself.

I have no idea where to go from here. The truth is, there will be no significant change. Not at all. Derek will return home, and I will stay here. Even if he is being foolish by judging me and possible mocking me, I won't see it. As I lay here, I am already questioning his loyalty. Maybe he really isn't a great guy. There is no way for me to know. It hurts me. It makes me worry. I wonder if I will be the topic of discussion on his way home. Will they laugh at how pathetic I am?

"You can go." I tell him as I begin to get mad.

I have realized this is a quality I have, and it's not a good one. Not at all. I will lay here and think. Or sit. Either way, I begin to think about all of the possibilities. I think about everything that could happen. Most of the time, it's so farfetched it is ridiculous. Not only do I let my thoughts manifest into what could be reality, but I get angry for the person acting the way that they have yet to act. See, my thing isn't innocent until proven guilty. Mine is guilty before committing the crime. It's a bad way to be, and I desperately wish I could end it.

"What?" Derek asks quickly. I am sure that he is a normal person who is wondering what is with my sudden change of attitude. He probably laid there contemplating what he would wear tomorrow, or at just what point he should stop for gas on his trip home. He wasn't laying there thinking about the complex meaning of our existence like I was.

"You can go. As in, get out. Out of my room." I tell him without opening my eyes to look at him. Imagine my state of shock when he doesn't jump out of my bed like it is on fire.

"Okay, I don't get this. I don't get you at all. What the hell, Meredith?" Derek asks in shock as he stares at me. I know he is staring. I don't have to look. I'm not opening my eyes and acknowledging him.

"What, Derek?" I ask with a definite condescending tone in my voice.

"You are something. You are- What the fuck? You are so fucking standoffish. You hide your emotions. You sit here and open up to me. I am walking through your crooked ass labyrinth. Finally, I see an opening and I start running. You are throwing little bits out to me, and then I run into a fucking wall!" Derek says somewhat angrily. I can tell that he is irritated with me, and probably for good reason. The thing is, i know my faults. I'm just unsure as to how to fix them.

"I do not." I lie. Now I lie about something I know is fact. Maybe the first step towards recovery would be to admit it. Maybe if I said, "Yeah, I do that." I would be able to fix the behavior. Instead, I go for the hard ass route. Because I am so smart.

"Now you are lying." Derek says as he sits up. Still, my eyes are closed. Closed to keep out him. If I open them, he creeps in and takes over everything.

"I said you could go." I tell him again. Maybe if I just ignore him, he will give up. Everyone gives up that way. It has worked for years.

"Oh. So now, I will go. I will go and you will lay here and think about how horrible everything is for you. Have you ever stopped to think? I mean really think. Not your Meredith thinking. If you did, maybe you would realize that you are wallowing in self pity." He suggests.

Okay. Now he has hit the nail on the head. But this is me. I have been conditioned to act a certain way. I have worked so hard to be the way I am, hidden behind my armor and my tightly woven mail over my chest. Now he points out my very weakness. That is, that in my armor, I like to make myself weak. I like to fill myself with my pain and drown in it over and over again.

"I will see you later." I tell him as I roll to my side and away from him. Now if that isn't telling him, I don't know what it. My back to him. He should be able to read into that, "And enjoy school. I'm sure you will make an excellent phycologist or psychiatrist. Whatever. Either way, you are attempting to do it now. So, take a step back and wake up, Derek. You are just a boy. A foolish boy." I tell him with a nod.

"I guess never giving up does make me foolish." He says as he gets out of bed and walked to the door. "Have fun in your self pity. I think you have a long swim." Derek mutters as he walks out. I quickly grab my shoe, sitting up. Derek ducks out just as it hits the door. It really should have been his forehead. It would have been had he not been one step ahead. My god, is he always once step ahead. In all my thinking, did I fail to notice?


	39. Feeling Something

I miss Derek. God, I wish I did not. I wish there were a way for me to lie to myself further. If I could just convince myself to believe all the bullshit I tried to stream through, I'd be happy. Instead, I know that I miss him. I know I care about him, and yet I try to lie. I pretend that I could not care less if I never saw him again. The truth is, if I didn't see him again, my heart would ache and I would feel as if it were the end of the world. That is what he does to me.

My days never change. My life never changes. Everything remains the same. I go through the same steps. I do the same pattern as if my life depended on it. Many times I have been teased. Many times people have said that I am an old lady who is trapped in a young woman's body. I have already placed myself in the mold, and I'm not even trying to change. I am there. I am in a rut. I am alone.

My friends want me to do things. They would want nothing more than for me to go hang out every weekend. They want me to go with them and waste my time, being foolish like them. I'm so future oriented that it is ridiculous. The funniest part of it all, is that the future holds nothing for me. I am following in my mom's footsteps. What is the future alone? It was something I was always prepared to deal with, and yet now, it seems so daunting to me. The future actually sounds like the final act.

I lay back on my bed, reading my book. I don't have the drive to study, and yet I am. Studying hasn't always been the easiest thing for me to do. It seems to go in and then no where. It's like all of my thoughts and knowledge vaporize before they can even be absorbing into my thick skull. That problem, coupled with the fact that I am so distracted, only makes things ten times worse. Damn Derek seems to consume my thoughts more than anyone else. As I go to roll over and find a comfortable spot, I hear my phone ring.

I don't always answer my phone. I screen my calls more often than not. I avoid Izzie at all costs when I am in that mood. I am in that mood a lot. It seems like that mood has now become my normal mood, and that is sad. I am not the person I should be. I should have morphed into someone better than the person I have become, because really, I have become a monster.

I look at my phone. It's Mark. I can't help but smile, something I rarely do anymore. There are a few people that cam make me smile and he happens to be one of them. Mark is like that light when you are in the cave. He comes just when you need him. You smack the flashlight just a little harder, and on pops the light. He has no idea how good he makes me feel. He has the ability to pull me up from a dark place, much like Derek. I would never admit to Derek that he has that power to. It seems I hide my emotions. I know that, and now everyone else is figuring that out too.

"Hey!" I say happily. It's hard not to be happy. He called me. That means he wants to talk to me. I don't like chasing people around, and when they come to me it makes me feel all the better.

"Hey, Mer. How are you?" He asks happily. It's hard to believe that is boy was once so depressed that he contemplated killing himself. Now he is like a ray of eternal sun. It's invigorating and annoying at the same time.

"I'm good." I lie. the thing is, I haven't been good in so long, Im not sure what good is. I will just continue to bullshit everyone for all eternity. The truth is, I'm not happy, so why not let them be happy with my false happiness.

"Sure." Mark says, knowing better. At least he knows. I don't want him to think I am mopey, or that I am some person that is incapable of happiness, however true it may be.

"No, Mark. I really am feeling great." I say as I try to push forward just a little more. At least if I'm going to lie, I am going to lie really well and try to convince him. "Actually, I'm going out with friends tonight. In just a little bit." I add. Now I am rolling. Now I am lying so well.

"Oh. That's good! I mean, you should be getting out." Mark points out genuinely. Mark has no ulterior motives. He is a good guy that really does just want me to be happy. "Derek is out. I'm really not sure what to do. He has been out every night."

"Oh." I say softly. Maybe he has been out studying. Maybe he is out with his friends. "Derek is out?"

"Yeah. He's been with this girl. She seems nice enough, but you know how things go They never leave each other's side." He says with a sigh. I know how things go. Derek is a whore. He is a fucking manwhore who is out fucking some girl as we speak, most likely. I feel my stomach churn as I think about his cock deep inside someone else. Him making another girl moan. Him being her everything. It makes me sick

"Oh! Izzie's here. I'll talk to you later." I say as I hang up the phone, not waiting for a response.

I can't believe it. Even I will admit it. I'm jealous. The thought of Derek sharing everything that we have together, with someone else makes me irate. I don't like it. I quickly roll over and cover my head with a pillow, not that it will drown out my thoughts. If that doesn't put me in a sour mood, I don't know what ever will. Why on earth did I ever let him stick that cock in my pussy?

I guess I could rebel. I guess I could go out tonight, have a little tequila, and find me the nicest piece of ass in the bar. I am of legal age to do so these days. But I won't. I won't do it because Derek is the guy I want. Being with another guy won't make that go away. It will be a temporary numbness that won't make things any better.

This is how it went. I went all that time, minutes turning into hours, hours morphing into days, until it was all a blur. I go on. I go on, not even sure what the going on really does. It helps to think about him. I don't do it often. I would never let him know. It does help. Right now, I'm going on, trudging through life. I guess eventually, it will all come to me, closing in perfectly, all of my desires mapped out before me, ready to take over.

Unless you have been in my shoes, it's really hard to explain what it's like. I can't put into words how you walk through life, mulling over mundane facts and happenings. You just do it. The one thing that tends to put a slight smile on my face is Derek. Just his name makes me smile with satisfaction. I like the way I feel around him, although I am almost too reserved. I feel that I have to be that way. I need to protect myself, above all.

Counting down the time until Derek comes back seems utterly pathetic, but that is just what I do. I stop short of circling the big day on my calendar and slashing all days before. I keep in all in my head, every morning saying just how much time is left. It may seem utterly pathetic, because it is. I should never feel this way about someone. I should not be so involved. Especially when he is the world's biggest manwhore.

As I lay in my bed, reading the latest installment of my classes, I look at the calendar. Two days. I have two days before Derek is to come. I know this all too well. And here I am laying in my bed, reading for class. A class that is actually yet to come. It's so much better than going out with my friends, displaying my faux happiness. I toss my book aside and close my eyes, ready for a nap. Just as I begin to drift off, I hear my phone ring.

"Hello?" I mumble softly, I'm in that very relaxed half sleep state that I love so much.

"Mer?" I hear a familiar voice say. It's Derek. Derek is calling me and he seems really happy. I quickly flash my eyes open, as if looking around will help me absorb his voice better.

"Derek?" I ask in shock as I listen intently to his breathing. I even know the soft rhythm in which he breathes. He is always relaxed. Never stressed like me. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah. Of course it is." Derek tells me as chuckles. I'm not really sure why he is chuckling. I didn't say anything funny. Of course my first thought is the gorgeous blonde that is probably tonguing his his. Oh well, to each his own. I'm jealous, but I'll never admit it.

"So what do you want?" I snap. I'm not overly nasty, but I am getting my point across. If he is laying with that perfect blonde, he can kiss my ass.

"Geez, Mer. Are you okay?" Derek asks, probably referring to my tone. I let out a sigh. Even I can admit that I am acting completely ridiculous.

"I'm fine, Derek." I say softly, trying to calm my growing animosity towards a person that very well may not exist. "I was just getting ready to take a nap." I point out. I don't want him to think I am a grumpy bitch. Maybe if he thinks I am exhausted, he will excuse my recent shortness.

"Oh... Well I was actually calling, hoping you were coming over today." He said with a smirk. I swear, the phone began to glow, coming from the smile on his face.

"Coming over?" I ask in with confusion. Derek is not supposed to be around for another two days. I have to admit, I still think it's strange that he comes to our house for the holiday season. I guess his parents just don't care. The truth is, I know nothing of him or his family. I have been incredibly selfish when it comes to that. I just know nothing about him, and I haven't tried. "What do you mean, coming over?"

"We got in last night. We came a couple days early. Mark was able to get some time off of work. Your Aunt Claire isn't here yet, she is coming on the day she was supposed to and staying a bit later. But we are here, if you want to come over." He points out. I feel my heart jump to my throat. I immediately feel fantastic as I jump out of bed, leaving my book and my attitude far behind.

"Sure, I'll come over." I say nonchalantly. "See you in a bit." I add as I hang up the phone.

I quickly rush to my closet. This is always the fun part. I have to find something to wear for Derek. The funny thing is, it's not really the top layer that counts. I like to wear my scanty panties and sexy matching bras for him. I'm not sure if he even notices, but either way, I want to look hot underneath. I quickly throw my favorite black lace ones in my back, along with the deep red satin with the black lace overlay.

I take a quick, but good shower. I always say the shaving is the most important part. Guys like girls that smell good. I try to use something subtle, but something that smells nice. Lavender works fairly well, as does something tropical in the summer. It's cold outside, so I go for the lavender, a tiny reminder that summer's meadows aren't that far away. It seems to be a soft sent that hangs in the air. Only real lavender smells good, there is a difference between the better stuff and the cheap stuff.

I dress myself in a cute top and jeans, that is something that has changed a little. I seem to be getting more fashion sense. I toss my bag in the back of the Jeep and start it up. I can't help but have a smile on my face. I can't wait to see him. Even more so, I can't wait to feel him.

I like to drive fast. I will admit it is quite a passion of mine. There is something when the light turns green that makes my adrenaline pump. I have that need for speed that everyone talks about. It's like a disease. The thing is, I don't want it to go away. I enjoy every minute of it. This need for speed comes in handy when I am heading somewhere I want to be. Like in bed, with Derek.

My grandparent's home looks amazing with the blanket of snow covering the yard. All of the Christmas lights are shining through the snow in beautiful big orbs as20the light is deflects through the three inches of fresh snow that had fallen last night. It looked like a winter wonderland; just the way my grandma wants it. There is nothing she enjoys more than Christmas. To me, it's just another day, taken over by material minded people.

"Hello?" I mutter as I walk in. I am actually hoping that Derek will bound up the stairs and drag me to our lair before anyone knows I am here. We could get a good fucking session in, disguised as much needed rest for a tired driver. I am not so lucky.

"Meredith!" My aunt Claire says happily. You can't win them all. It doesn't matter; I know good fucking is coming. I can tell you that my pussy is dewy with my wetness. It's all in anticipation for him.

"Aunt Claire! You aren't supposed to be here!" I say as she comes up. I must admit, I'm on my best behavior and it's even scaring me. "How are you?" I ask her happily as I let her hug me. I allow hugs, just on occasion. This is a pre-sex mood, so she is safe. Hugging me pre-sex is like walking into a pack of wolves that just ate a hearty meal. It's fairly safe.

"We decided to come early too. I have been good. Work is killing me. What can I say, though? I have a fabulous job. Great pay and wonderful benefits, what more can you ask for? It's good. And how about you? How is life here?" She asks as she pulls away and looks into my eyes. I manage a half smile as I return her gaze.

"I'm good. Busy with class, but making it." As I stand there explaining how my life is, I see Derek in the background. I can't help but be somewhat distracted. He looks at me with his devilish smile. I know just what that smile means.

"And your mother- How is your mother?" She asks. She has no reason to ask. They all know my mother is a lion. She is a vicious animal that most cannot be tamed. Luckily she stays busy at the hospital, keeping everyone safe.

"You know mom…" I mutter as I draw in a breath. "She is just- She is really busy." I say as if everyone doesn't know. My aunt Claire knows my mother far too well. In fact, the family almost hates her.

"That's good." Aunt Claire says with a fake smile. The truth is, she asked out of necessity and nothing else. "Well, you should2 0go see everyone else. I know Mark and Derek were waiting for you. Apparently you offer them some sort of entertainment. I have to admit, that makes the rest of us very happy."

Okay." I say with a nod.

I can't help but chuckle. Entertainment. If she only know what kind of entertainment I was providing. Not for her son. I would never do any of that with her son. Now Derek, he is free game. We will just stick to the fact that Derek lacks for nothing in the sexual department. I keep him very happy. I can definitely say he returns the favor quite well with the magic tongue of his. It almost sends me into orgasms as soon as he licks my clit.

"Hey, Mer." Derek says as I step forward. I draw in a breath. He still looks as amazing as ever. The man Is a good. He obtains that nice rock hard chest and sparkling blue eyes. He is perfection in my own green ones.

"How are you?" I ask as I hug him gently. Apparently I am in a hugging mood. By his stiff reaction, I would say he is as shocked as I am.

"I'm great." He says as he softens and leans into me gently. It feels like heaven against him. I'm so safe and at ease. His hard chest providing the security I need. His perfect scents fills my nostrils in an aromatic pleasure. "You smell good." He mutters as he breathes me in.

"As do you." I agree as I draw in a breath. At this moment, I struggle not to add in something dirty, although I want to so badly.

"I bet your pussy smells even sweeter." He breathes into my ear. I feel his hot breath grazing my lobe as a smile plays upon my lips. I knew dirty would come out of the man. I just knew it.

"I bet it's really wet, too. Just for you." I tell him with a giggle. I quickly pull away, knowing our hug has lasting far too long. Now it is time for the challenge. We need to get away. I am like a mare in heat, and Derek is the young, unseasoned stallion. He has been around, I am sure of that, but something about me makes him unable to control himself. And that, I like that very much!


	40. No Control

It's amazing the self control you can gain when you are denied something. Truly it's more when you are denied from someone other than the person giving you the spoils. What I mean, is it is hell to be surrounded by a group of family, when all you want to do is lay down on that rug in the living room and grind until cum runs down your thigh and stains that expensive recent turkeman purchase. So thus this is our lesson in self control. We get better by the day.

I look up at Derek as he listens to one of my grandmother's stories. They are generally funny, or at least end in a laugh. Saying that, you probably thing she is funny by nature, or that she is able to crack a good joke. That isn't the case. It's actually more that she has told a story, and either she doesn't get the point of her whole story, or she failed miserably telling it. That is when we laugh. We laugh at her naive foolishness.

"Grandma, you are so funny." Mark says with a laugh as he shakes his head. She wasn't funny. Just now, she was more annoying than anything. Just now, she was preventing me from the things that I wanted so badly.

"Yeah, funny." I say sarcastically. I look outside into the darkness. These people have been talking for so long, the sun has now set beyond the horizon and the blanket of stars now covers a pitch black sky. "So..." I mutter, hoping to disperse the crowd, sending them away.

"Oh yeah!" Mark says as he exuberantly grabs my arm. I have something I want to show you." He tells me as he drags me along through the house. I am powerless as his huge frame drags me along to wherever he is planning on going. "You have to see this movie. Have you seen it?" He asks as he holds up Superbad before my eyes.

"No... No, I haven't had time. And I don't have time right now." I whine as he places the dvd into my laptop and sits there with a smile on his face.

"Aw... Come on, Mer. You and I never get to spend time together anymore." He whines. I can tell that genuinely hurts him.

Okay, something is happening. My hard shell exterior seems to be melting, or dissolving or something. I have noticed this, and while I have tried to stop it in desperation, nothing has worked. I am softening up from a mixture of reasons. I know that this is going to get me hurt. Who on earth can walk around without a suit of armor on? I know people do it all the time, but those are different people. Those people aren't me.

I sit on the bed and watch the screen. Mark is right, I have not spent any time with him. I have been so distracted being a horn-dog that I haven't even noticed that he has grown an inch and he now has a very chiseled jawline set off by a nice shave job. He looked pretty good, and very grown up. I have to say, I am shocked. And I have to admit, I may be just a touch proud.

"This movie is so funny, Mer. I mean hilarious. I can't believe that you haven't seen it!" He says with a smile as he leans back and takes a sip of his soda. I take a note from him and lay back against the large stack of pillows.

"I live in a cave. My own little world." I tell him with a sigh. "School is sucking me down. I mean, I love it, but I'm freaking tired!"

"Are you sure you want to be a surgeon?" Mark asks plainly. I look at him in shock. It just now occurs to me that he is the first person that questioned my career choice. Meredith Grey is supposed to be a surgeon, period. No one told me I had any other choice. The truth is, I was born to cut, but having Mark say that, well, it is nice. He said it like I actually had a choice in the matter.

"Yeah. I mean- Yes, I want to be a surgeon. I really can't picture myself anywhere else." I admit with a smile as I look at the movie. "And we need to watch this- Oh my god, Mark." I say as I look up at the screen and start laughing. "This is so bad!"

"That is what makes it so good!" Mark tells me with a hearty laugh.

As I look over at Mark, I realize how much I miss him when he is gone. He is someone that I can talk to when I need to. He is always there and almost always open to whatever I say. He is the only one in the family that doesn't throw his judgement on you. I need to work to get back to this. I need to work on my relationship with him, taking time out just for him. Mark Sloan is an asset in my life that I cannot afford to lose.

"This is good..." Mark mutters as he glances over at me and smiles. "I mean you and me. I enjoy this." He tells me. That is the thing about Mark, he is sensitive. I hope he never loses that.

"It is." I agree as I lean my head back and watch the small screen. I glance up as I see the halfway open door, open completely. I immediately feel something. It's Derek. Part of me is mad that he has intruded on our special time, but part of me wants to run off and let him pound me. "Hey."

"Hey... What are we watching?" Derek asks as he walks over and looks. "Oh yeah! Mind if I watch with you?" He asks as he looks at Mark.

"Sure." Mark says softly. I can tell his heart wasn't in it. He doesn't want Mark in here. I feel Derek climb onto the bed next to me. Now this will be a challenge. This is testing my self control, once again. Oh yay. And I mean that in a completely monotone not excited way. That would be Meredith sarcasm, in case you can't spot it by now.

Having Derek next to me during the movie is no picnic. In fact, I would equate it to a personal hell. I am torn between them. Mark is so supportive. I know the last few years I have been brushing Mark off just to get laid. In my heart, I know that isn't right. So I sit, watching the movie, trying not to breathe in Derek's manly scent. It's a scent that has the ability to send me over the edge. I'll never let him know that.

It's hard to sit between two men, one of which you could be considered borderline obsessed with, while watching a sexual based movie. Boys may have dirty minds, but I have to say, mine is pretty bad. The whole time I am watching this movie, I am thinking about my own dirty little fantasies. I have to tell you, they are pretty dirty.

"So?" Mark asks me as he stands up and takes teh dvd out of my computer. I look at him and smile. At least it was entertaining. I can say that.

"It was good." I tell him with a nod as I look into his hopeful eyes. He just wants me to have a good time. "Thanks, for watching it with me." I add. I don't know where that came from. Thanks for watching with me. I am off my rocker.

I don't say another word as I walk away from them. I quickly go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I want Derek right now, but I refuse to run right to him. I have to show some sort of restraint. I wash my hands and splash water on my face. I look a little tired, but I think it is school wearing me down. I quickly exit, wanting to just get some fresh air and a clear mind. I go up the stairs and rush outside.

The blanket of stars is amazing. Generally I'm not a watcher of stars, but this is something else. Usually they aren't so brilliant in the city. The tiny sliver of a moon is shining brightly, but not bright enough to light up the earth. It is perfect, other than the fact that there is no snow on the ground. They are expecting snow tonight and I hope we get it, other than it is a pain in the neck to deal with.

"Hey." I hear Derek say as he walks up behind me. I jump at his voice. I'm already a jumpy person and it only gets worse when I am completely relaxed.

"Ah! Oh... Hey." I mutter as I turn around. I may be jumpy, but not enough to protect myself, seeing as I didn't know he was there until he was on top of me. "I just...wanted some fresh air." I explain as I look up.

"Do I have that effect on you?" Derek asks as he closes in the space between me and the wall. I feel my back press against the cold brick. "Do I?" He asks again as he breathes on my neck.

"You may." I admit with a sigh as I relax against him. I feel each of his legs go around him, his hard cock pressing high into my thigh. "You just might." I tell him as I breath my hot breath on his chest.

"Let's fuck, Mer. I've been dreaming of this pussy." He tells me as he rubs himself against me. I take in a few gasping breaths as I feel my core heating up and getting wet. All I do is have to remember the way he feels and I am dripping wet for him. No need for lube here.

"Are you...clean? Have you been fucking without a condom?" I ask him as I play with the leather belt on his jeans.

"Nope. Just you. I only do that with you. And god, my cock had been missing that." Derek admits as he plays with my belt and then the zipper on my jeans. I feel them fall and then he takes down my panties. His jeans are now laying in a pile around his ankles. "Oh god, I need you, baby." He grunts as he rams his cock into my clit.

"Oh, oh!" I gasp as I feel the sensations ripping through my body. "Just do it, Derek." I groan, wanting him to excavate my bush. "Oh god." I beg as I feel him slide in. "Oh..."

"Oh babe, that's tight!" He almost squeals. "It's going to be fast, your pussy is just too damn tight."

"And that's my fault?" I tease as I feel him slide in and out gently. The crisp air is breezing over my red cheeks. My hands wrap behind Derek's neck and my legs hold on tightly. I feel the rough brick on the cheeks of my ass, and my back. "Maybe I need to get loose?" I ask, too seriously for him. I rotate my hips so he can go deeper.

"I think not." Derek groans as he continues to grind against me, his thick veiny cock running in and out, making sloppy sounds thanks to my ample fluid. "I think it's perfect."

I have to almost laugh. He is jealous at the thought of someone else fucking me. I am jealous too, but I would never let him know. I stay silent and never say a word about all the girls he fucks, but it gets to me. I don't fuck many guys, but apparently the very thought of that gets Derek hot. I feel him begin to go a bit quicker and deeper after our conversation. He is trying to prove himself. You would think the fool knows he is at the top of the list.

"Oh god! I'm there, Derek. I'm there." I cry as I feel myself tightening up. The sweat is coming down my back, trickling down my ass. I feel droplets on the back of my neck and a bit slipping between my breasts. I am there. The heat is radiating off of Derek's body and my own. "Oh god... Oh god." I pant as I feel his cock beginning to pulsate.

"Oh baby! Fuck yes! Fuck yeah... Oh yeah..." Derek groans as he drives into me one last time, our bodies going into simultaneous climaxes. Everything goes white as pleasure washes over me. I feel my core pulsating as he shoots his hot cum into my core. I close my eyes as I feel our bodies together, Derek laying against me. "I missed that."

"You have no idea." I say as I let my head fall to the side. I open my eyes, feeling snowflakes on my nose. It's snowing.

"Wow... That never- Yeah." Derek says, unable to say something else, I would assume. I feel him pull out his shrinking cock and bend down to pick up his jeans.

"Yeah." I agree as I begin to dress myself, picking up the clothing that I have left there on the side of the house. I wonder what my grandma would say if she knew I was having sex outside her house. Well, against her house. Something had to support us.

I don't say a word as I walk off and away from him. For some odd reason, I feel a little guilty about doing it like that. Not that I don't like it. I definitely like it. I walk into the house, going upstairs rather than back down in the basement. I look around the great room at the family, they are laughing at some show and talking.

"You were outside..." My aunt says as she glances up. I feel my heart fall to my feet. Oh my god, what if she has seen me? I feel sick, wondering how to play this out.

"Um... Yeah." I finally respond as I look into her eyes. I feel my heart beating so quickly I can barely take it. If ever have I been near passing out, I am there. "Yeah, I was outside... I had to get something from my car." I lie as I pat my pocket.

"Oh." She said, not caring. At that moment, I realize that she knew nothing. I guess she just heard me come in and decided to point it out.

"Well, the stars are amazing tonight. And it's starting to snow." I added, knowing I am safe. Now I can elaborate without the fear that she knows more than I thought. I have no idea where Derek is, but I'm glad he didn't follow me right in. If he had come right in behind me, that would have been suspicious.

"Hey." Derek said as he walked in. He walked right into the kitchen to grab a drink. I didn't say a word to him as I stood there.

"So how is school going?" My aunt asks as I stand there. I sigh and drop down, sitting on the floor. This is actually a good thing. I need to resist another round for right now. i have found that the more I get, the more I want.

"It's good. Really busy. I have a full load. It's always insane, like I just go there and home. When I'm home, I study." I explain, almost whining about it. Everyone says I am a whiner, and I think they have a point.

"That's life, Mer. Imagine what it will be like when you are a surgeon." Aunt Claire points out. I sigh and nod. She is right, it will be no walk in the park. Social life, not that I had one, will be over.

"At least then I will be doing something I want, not sitting in lecture and reading nonstop." I tell her with a nod. "I just want to cut."

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but in order to cut, there are a lot of steps that you have to follow. One of those steps just happens to be reading nonstop." She teased. "But really, Mer, I am proud of you. You have incredible drive." She praised with a smile.

"I just want to succeed." I explain softly. The truth is, I want to succeed. I want to push forward and show everyone, especially my mother, just what I can do. I never see her. She lives in the hospital and likes it that way. Then again, that may be me in a few years. "And I will... Succeed." I mutter under my breath.

"So how was the movie?" Aunt Claire asks. I guess she is tired of speaking about my education and my future success. Then again, maybe she doesn't want to talk about my mother. No one ever wants to go there in this house. They all hate her.

"It was good." I tell her with a nod. "You know Mark. He has a way with picking movies." I point out. I immediately see her mouth form a smile.

"You have that right. Ninety-nine percent of them are crap!" She says quickly, making a point. Rarely does Mark choose a good movie. It's like he is engineered to search out crap movies, especially t the theater.

"Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay." I say quickly. I see Derek coming back towards me. I'm not sure if I want to fuck him again tonight or just go to bed.

"Okay. Goodnight." My aunt Claire says, causing the rest of the family to join in.

"Night!" I say as I pull myself to my feet and walk off. Of course, as I round the corner, Derek is standing there with a shit eating grin on his face. I know what he wants. It's as if he can read my mind. It's as if he knew that I was contemplating sex or no sex.

"So..." Derek says with a raised brow. I let the smile that wants to cover my face happen. I can't help but giggle at him. He just never stops.

"You want a second round." I say, feigning disbelief. Of course he wants a second round. He is like that. He never stops. He is just a boy. That is how boys are.

"Um... Well, yeah. who wouldn't?" He asks frankly as he follows me down the stairs. I swear he has a spring in his step.

"You have a point." I say as I turn around and face him. I stop by my door and look into his eyes. I have no control. I know this. I quickly grab his shirt as I walk into the room backwards. No self control. It's sad... Really.


	41. My Story

I sit in the passenger seat of Derek's Mustang convertible. This is quite a change from the Honda that he used to drive. Now he has his own new American muscle car. A Shelby GT500. Derek is poor, or at least I thought he was. I wonder just how he has the money to pay for this. I guess it's not really my business. Derek goes through the gears, feeling the need to show everyone his car's power. I have to admit, the thing is cold in the middle of winter, but at least it looks good.

"How long have you had this?" I ask as I run my hands over the dashboard. It is a sexy car, there is no doubt about that.

"Not long. A couple of months, I guess." Derek explains as he shifts once again. I feel a bit of car envy in my veins. The car is hot. I should be driving this car. "It's a bitch to drive in the snow." He complains. "It slides all of the time. Damn rear-wheel drive. But I still love it." He admits as he gives me a cheesy grin.

"Was it new when you got it?" I ask, running my hand over the cool leather seat. Black and red. This car is hot.

"Of course it was." He says happily. "I knew I wanted one a few years ago when the new body came out. I saved up some money for a down payment and here I am." He says happily. Derek looks good in this car. It has the power and the style to match his personality.

"Yeah, I guess it is better than the Jeep." I agree as I think of my own crap vehicle in Grandma's driveway. It is good for the winter, but it utilitarian. It's not a status symbol. At least I hope it's not. If it is, then I am in trouble because that makes me look like something I don't want to be.

"I just love to drive this thing." Derek says with a smile as he grips the shifter. "I look for reasons to drive it. It's like an addiction. Damn Mark keeps asking to borrow it. In his dreams. No one drives my car." He says frankly. There is goes.... I was actually thinking about asking. Derek just pulled that thought from out of my head.

"I need to get some stuff for my horses." I mutter more to myself than to Derek. Derek quickly glances over.

"Let's go." Derek says with a nod. "But not feed. I am not putting feed in the trunk of my car." He tells me frankly. He is awfully protective of this car, but at the same time, I can see why. If it were mine, no one would be breathing in it.

"No. I don't need feed. I just need a new brush and some de-wormer." I tell him. "Light stuff that can all fit in a grocery bag. But it's fine. The feed store is closed, I would have to go somewhere else. I can do it tomorrow. I was just talking to myself, really." I explain, not even wanting to go.

"No. We have nothing else to do. We can go. Just point me in the direction." He says as he drives along. I sigh, going to Smithson's is something to do. Not to mention, I can pick up some fresh muffins. There's are the best..

"Okay. Just take a left up at the next light. Smithson's is on the left." I explain as I point in the direction. "We really should have brought Mark with us." I tell him, feeling bad that Mark didn't come along. He and I are friends and I don't like to ditch him.

"He didn't want to. He is pissed that I won't let him drive. Im just not. You have no idea how much I pay for this thing. I don't want it damaged. Not to mention, he hates sitting in the back. You have no idea how tight it is back there." Derek says as he points to the back seat. I look back there and nod. It is tight and I wouldn't even want to be sitting back there.

"Insurance would pay. I doubt that Mark would get in an accident." I tell him with a shrug. He looks at me with a shocked face. "What?"

"I can't believe you would tell me that. Mer, it doesn't matter if he smashes it beyond recognition. Sure, they would give me the money, but that doesn't bring my car back. It's gone forever. I don't want another one. I want this one." He says as he parks the car, killing the rumble of the engine.

"Yeah, I see your point." I agree. He is right. He wouldn't get his car back. This man is full of car love. He is a typical man, for sure. As I get out of the car, I run my fingers down it's black shiny paint and smile. "You love your car..."

"I love my car." He admits as he walk to the entrance of the store. The automatic doors slide open for us, a greeter offering up a cart. I shake my head no, knowing that I'm not getting much. "Lead the way." He says as he walks through the main entrance. "Holy shit!"

"No kidding," I say as I look at the huge mountain of soda can cases made to look like a gift. Coca Cola and Sprite, red and green. "That thing is huge." I say as we walk up to it. Derek and I walk around teh gift, spotting and opening. "Oh my..."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asks as he crouches down and looks inside at the big emptiness.

"I think I am." I say with wide eyes. It's so risky I can feel my heart almost beating out of my chest. I watch Derek, looking like a kid in a candy store. I drop to my knees and him to his. He crawls. We crawl into another world. I hope no one saw us.

"Wow... It's like another world in here." Derek says as he looks around. I have to agree. It is like a whole different world. Unless someone saw us come in, I doubt anyone knows we are. I see no camera above us, so I don't think they are going to catch us in the act.

"Yeah. But we should- I think maybe we should hurry, don't you?" I ask as I look around nervously. There is always a chance. What if we crawl out and security finds us? This will be just one more place that we have been caught in.

"Yeah, maybe we should." Derek agrees as he looks at me. I can tell you, I don't want to be on bottom this time. He can put his ass on the floor and I will ride his cock until it falls off.

I half lay, half sit as I rip my pants off. He can work around my panties. When it comes to a situation like this, we will work around whatever we need to. I don't even pay attention to Derek, but I am hoping that he is at least working on his end of the deal. I smile when my pants and shoes lay to the side with my jacket. He is already undressed, hard and ready. I can't believe how thick his cock is at the moment. That is definitely thanks to the situation.

"You on top?" He asks as he lays back. I don't think he really cares, he just wants a good fuck. He is willing to do it the way I want it, just so he can get it.

"Yeah. Oh.... Yeah." I say as I straddle his lap and smile. My long thighs keep his cock away from my pussy. He wants to thrust up and into me, but I think he can tell by the look in my eyes that he has to wait until I am ready.

"Just...get on it." Derek almost begs as he looks at himself. His velvety head is dripping pre-cum and it more than ready for me. I gently rub my clit over the head of his cock, holding it with one hand and rocking my hips. "Oh God....It's not nice to tease." Derek says with a grunt. I can tell that he is more than eager for the spoils.

"I can't... Damn-it!" I say as I slowly sink down on his cock. I'm not even sure why I was teasing him, like I have time to do that. "Oh!" I groan as I feel his thick cock slide into me inch by inch. My pussy is soaking wet, letting him slide in freely.

"Damn, you were ready, weren't you?" He asks with a smile as he looks into my eyes.

"I guess I was." I tell him with a giggle. "But don't you know by now? I am always ready. I think I was born ready." I state as I begin to rock on him quickly. I need to get this done before we risk being caught.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you were born cumming. And that is just- It's sick, Mer." He says with a sour look on his face. I have to agree. It is very sick. "Oh God... I'm going to cum quick. I swear your pussy is tighter than ever." He moans. It probably is really tight to him, because he has a horse cock.

"You are so thick, Derek." I groan as I lift myself off slightly and fall back down. I can feel my leg muscles stretching with the effort. He feels so good inside of me. So natural. So right. "Oh..."

I continue to rock on Derek's iron pole as he slides his hands up under my shirt. I left it on, knowing that we needed to keep on as much clothing as possible in case we did get caught. Derek left his shirt on and I feel the soft worn cotton underneath my hands and I use his chest for leverage. His chest is hard. I don't know if he works out, I guess I have never really asked him. I would assume he does something because it feels so perfect.

"Faster, Mer, faster." Derek grunts as he thrusts himself upwards. He thrust just a little to hard, his ass coming off of the floor and causing his long cock to hit me just a little too hard.

"Oh." I groan in with a slight bit of pain in my voice. I pain goes away as I begin to feel my body tensing up. It's amazing the things that come along naturally from two bodies reacting to each other. "Oh yeah... Oh... Cum for me, Derek." I moan, knowing that he likes it when I say it.

"Damn, Mer... I'm almost there. I hope you are close, baby. I can't hold it much longer." He warns. Just as he finishes his sentence, I feel his long cock begin to pulsate wildly. That was all it took before he began spurting his hot cum into my core. I begin rocking frantically chasing my own orgasm. I have to admit, I'm a little mad that he came first. Then again, it was my fault, seeing as I was on top and in control.

"Oh God, there it is! Finally..." I gasp as I feel my walls begin to tighten down and strangle his cock hard. My body instinctively pulsates. I wouldn't be able to stop it if I tried. My eyes roll back in my head and I forget where I am. I feel Derek's hands massaging my breasts under my bra, his thumbs rubbing my nipples. "Oh, oh, oh!" I shout softy, maybe just a little too loudly for a grocery store. "Oh God, there, there....OH!" I gasp as I feel the wave come over me hard, making everything foggy and clear at the same time.

"That was pretty good." Derek tells me as I sit on him, panting lightly. "I'm sorry I came so quick." He apologizes. I nod my head for him, signaling that it is alright. As I come out of my fog, I quickly realize where we are, the sounds of the market coming back into my ears. I jump off his cock and begin dressing myself frantically. Derek quickly does the same.

"We need to get out of here. Inconspicuously." I add as I get on my knees and peek my head out. I'm actually surprised the store is so dead. Then again it is later. They may be close to closing. I see no one and I quickly climb out. I don't even look around or wait for Derek. I go on my way. Derek follows behind me, I can hear him, but I don't look. When I look back, I see him nonchalantly tying his shoe like he had the laces come free. I think we actually pulled it off. Wow was it a rush.

I look around in shock. Okay, there was a reason no one saw us. There is a reason that things began to get quiet. No one is here. I didn't think we had been there long, but apparently we were. I look over at Derek, wondering if he has made the same realization that I have. By the look on his face, I would say it's so. Now what to do? I have no idea.

"Everyone's gone." He says in shock as he looks around. I am in the same state of shock that he is in. Yes, everyone is gone.

"Yeah. I uh... I noticed that right away." I mutter as I look up. There are some lights on, but not many. Surely they have a security office. There has to be an officer or someone around. "I can't believe this!" I say as my heart starts to beat quickly. This is unbelievable. "We are freaking alone! They locked us in." I say as I look around, seeing no one.

"What the hell is with this place? I would at least expect the workers to be here for a few minutes." He states as he draws in a breath and quickens his pace to the doors.

"No kidding. It's like they flew out of here like their ass was on fire. What the hell was that? I mean, really? How can a store-full of people disappear in what, five minutes?" i ask as I follow him to the door. Derek stops in his tracks and spins around.

"I am not a five minute man! I think you know better than that." He says sharply. I think he's actually angry about the comment. I can see the glare in his eyes. He eyes me one last time before he turns around.

"I didn't- That wasn't meant to be offensive, Derek. I just, it was fast. We were trying to be fast. Besides, we both got off. What is the difference if it's two minutes or twenty?" I ask. I really can't see what the big deal is. We both enjoyed it. We both orgasmed. I mean, if we were in it for love, I may be mad. We are in it for sex, and it was good sex. Period.

"Oh, there is a difference." He growls as he makes it to the door. I watch as he places his hands on it and tries to open the automatic door. Nothing. "Look... The last car is leaving." He points out. I begin jumping and waving my arms. "They'll never see you. And I bet if I open this, the alarm will go off." He points out. I frown as I look at the door.

"You're probably right." I agree as I look around for some other option. Apparently I think they are floating in the air tonight. "Well, one thing-" I say as I look at the security camera and wave at the door. "At least they can see that we tried to get out." I say with a shrug as I shake my head.

"What the hell... If we are going to be here, we may as well have fun." He says as he grabs my arm and pulls me. I don't know were we are going, but Derek always shows me a good time. I follow him down the aisles and smile when I realize what we are doing. "Yeah?"

"Yeah!" I tell him as I accept a bike. What is better than riding down the aisles of a huge store, with no one is your way? "This is- Yeah." I mutter as I climb on and ride off down the aisle, taking a sharp left.

"I never thought I'd be doing this." Derek laughs as he cruises up alongside me. We slowly ride down the main aisle, making our way to the end and then cutting down a few side aisles.

"Can we get in trouble?" I ask him as I look around. We are riding bikes. That is definitely not waiting by the door, begging someone to let us out.

"I think as long as we don't destroy or steal we are good." He tells me. "I have a feeling no one will even know we were here. We'll put stuff back ad leave early in the morning. They probably thought my car broke down. If they see us on tape, they can't identify us. We will just avoid this place for awhile." He says as he make it to the other end of the store. "I bet I can kick your ass." Derek says as he gets into race stance. I look over at him.

"It's on!" I tell him with a nod. "Three, two, one...Go!" I shout as I begin pedaling. I have horse riding legs. They are hard as rocks. I know I can beat him. I dig in with all my might, looking over. We are neck and neck. "No way will you win!" I say loudly as I put in the extra effort and breeze past him.

"Wow... I'm shocked. You're....fast." He says as he comes to a breathless stop.

"Yeah, I guess I could have warned you." I say with a giggle as I ride to put my bike back. It is getting old quick. Derek places the bikes back up and grabs an oversized ball, bouncing it at me. "I used to love playing four-square." I tell him with a nod. "I haven't played in a long time.

"Me either. I always had the advantage." He says with a smirk as he looks me in the eyes.

"Long arms." I point out. He nods and chuckles. He does have really long arms, but big guys have big arms, I guess. I purposely throw the ball at him rough, but he easily gets it back to me. I shake my head. How does he always come out on top? "I'm tired." I mutter, realizing how exhausted I am.

"We cold sleep." Derek says as he grabs the ball and puts it back. I watch as he goes and aisle over, me following him. Derek grabs a thick sleeping bag and grins. I will take it. At this moment, I will take anything.

"Now we have to find a place to sleep." I point out as I look around. "We could do the floor."

"No, there were some lounge chairs. Let's do those. They have thick cushions in the other department." He explains as he walk. Derek quickly gathers all our necessary sleeping materials. I look at the two chairs. They have never been so inviting. "You take that one, I'll take this one." He says as he points to my chair, which is identical.

"Sounds good." I tell him as I spread out my blanket. I lay down, watching him do the same. I close my eyes for a moment, and then look over at him. I am surprised that he had been watching me. As I look into his eyes, I want to tell him. I'm ready to tell him my secret. Should I?

There is a moment before you release a secret. It's a time when you can't breathe. It's a time when you a wracked with fear. You don't know if what you are doing is right or wrong. You won't know until you do it. Some secrets are nothing, while others may be life shattering. The only way you know what will happen is after it has happened. Sometimes that it too late.

"He said he loved me." I spit out. Okay there is no going back now. I have opened my mouth and let it all out. Well, not all of it, but I did let something out. I let out enough that I will have to elaborate.

"What?" Derek asks. If I thought he really didn't hear me, I would drop it as quickly as I can. I am sure he heard it, and now he is going to wonder no matter what.

"He said he loved me." I repeat once again. And he did. Jack said he loved me, and I took it to heart. I really believed it.

"Who said they loved you? Oh God.... You aren't seeing someone, are you? We said we wouldn't do that, Mer." Derek says quickly. I can see that he is upset at the possibility that I have cheated on someone with him. "Shit..."

"No, Derek. No. I am not seeing someone! God! Who do you think I am?" I growl, in shock that he would say that. "No."

"Then what are you talking about?" He asks with confusion in his voice. I draw in a breath and shake my head. I don't want to tell him. Now, I really just don't want to tell him.

"Eh... Damn you." I say as if it is his fault. It is my fault for opening my mouth. And now, I must tell him. "He said he loved me." I repeat as I think back.

[i]_I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm not ready for this. The first kiss was enough. The first kiss from Jack was everything. It was so amazing. It was magical. But apparently, it was not enough. It is never enough. Now Jack wants more. He wants the next level. He wants sex. And I am scared. I want to do it for him, but I don't want to do it. I just want him to like me. Love me, even._

_My mom is always at work. I never see her at home. That is what makes this so easy. So simple and yet so life changing. I lay back on my bed and look at Jack. I just want him to be happy. This will make him happy. He will know that I am committed. I don't want to do this, but I have to. I have to._

_"I'm not sure..." I say as he lifts my shirt over my head. This is the most he has seen of me, and I can feel the butterflies filling my stomach._

_"Oh, come on, Mer. You said you loved me. If you love me, you'll do this. It's not bad, I promise. You'll like it. You won't ever want to stop. Come on, Mer. You will do it if you love me." He tells me. Maybe he is right. All I ever wanted was to be loved. He wants to love me. He does love me. I can make him happy, and he will love me._

_"Do you love me?" I ask him, hoping and praying that he will say yes. I need him to say yes. I need him to need me. I need him to want me._

_"Of course I do. And you love me. That is why we need to do this. That way you know I love you, and you love me." He tells me with a huge nod as he pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it. I look at his chest and smile slightly as he leans down and works on my pants. "Don't worry, this will be fun." He says with a smirk as he pulls his own pants down. I look at him in shock. I have never see it like that. His cock is hard and looking at me._

_"Jack, I'm scared." I tell him with a frown. Maybe this is a bad idea. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid to do it. I'm only fourteen. I'm just fourteen. I watch as he rolls a condom on himself. "I'm not sure I can do this. Not yet."_

_"Oh relax, Mer. It will be good. Now spread your legs." He tells me as he pushes me back and helps me, scooting me forward towards him. "Oh yeah..." He groans as he pulls me and slides in._

_"Ow!" I scream as I feel him ripping inside of me. "It hurts!"_

_"Just lay there and be quiet. It will stop." He says as he runs his cock in and out of my virgin pussy._

_It takes my breath away. It hurts. I can't believe how much it hurts. I don't want to do this, but he doesn't care. I don't want to do this, but it isn't up to me. I just want him to love me, and this is my way to secure his love. If I told him to stop, he would be mad at me. I just lay there and wince as I feel the pain._

_"Oh, that was good." Jack says with a grin as he pulls out. I look at him in shock. It was fast. Really fast. And I felt nothing but pain._

_"I love you." I say as I look up at him. He looks down at me and begins laughing. He is laughing at me. "You love me, right?" I ask, so unsure of myself. Unsure of my feelings and my confidence._

_"Are you kidding me?" He asks as he jumps off the bed and laughs in my face. "Mer, you are so stupid. I just wanted to fuck you. I don't love you." He says as he pulls up his pants and tosses the condom on the floor. I watch as he pulls his cellphone out of his pocket and dials. "And you weren't very good, either. What a lousy fuck." He says as he walks out. I can hear him down the hall, bragging to someone._

_I feel a knot in my stomach. I just gave him everything I had, and he tossed it. It meant nothing to him. I loved him, and all he wanted was sex. He just took my world and tossed it. Apparently I am not worth loving. Even when I gave him everything he wanted and everything I had, I was unworthy of him. I am disgusting._

_"I will never love again." I mutter as I begin to sob. If that is love, I don't want it.[/i]_

I don't say a word as I roll over away from Derek. I told him the story, but right now I can't tell him anything else. I can't bear to tell him anything else. I know he is sitting there in shock, just staring. I just thank God he didn't say anything. He didn't say a word.


	42. In Love

I try to sleep but I can't. All that keeps going through my mind is what I just told Derek. I made myself completely vulnerable to him. I have exposed everything. There is no other secret in my life that is darker. There is nothing more that is hidden. It's all right there. If he so chooses, he can shoot me down, and I may never get up. This is why I lay here awake. I have to.

I still can't believe that I am in a store. I am sleeping in a store. The common sense part of it all is that we could call for help. I guess it was one of those moments that you think will never happen and when it does, you just say what the hell, this will be fun. I stare at the aisles of merchandise but never move my head. I am hoping Derek thinks that I am asleep.

"Mer?" Derek finally says after an eternity of complete eerie silence. I don't breathe. I don't move. I don't want him to know that I am awake because I can't face up to him. I can't answer questions. I hear him let out a breath and roll over. I'm safe.

The biggest fear I have is that he will feel pity for me. I don't want him to tell me everything I already know. I don't need him explaining how it's not my fault. He doesn't need to point out that people can be evil. I don't need to hear about how it will all be okay, I just need some time. I don't need to hear any of this. I don't want to.

I wake up after a restless night of sleep. I tossed and turned, half expecting someone to jump up from behind and scare us to death. Fortunately I have an amazing internal clock and I can pretty much program myself to awake at the hour I wish. This comes in handy; I can only imagine what would happen if someone walked in and saw us sleeping there in the middle of the store.

"Derek." I say as I roll over on my bed and look at him. He doesn't say anything and I wait for him to jump up like I would. "Derek!" I say again a little louder this time. He needs to wake up right now and I want him to know it. According to the hours, it opened at ten in the morning and it was eight.

"Hmm...Mmm." I hear him moan as he rolls over and faces me. I can't help but giggle softly, wondering how he slept at all. "What time is it?" He asks as he looks around.

"Time to get a watch." I tell him quickly as I look in his eyes. He rolls his eyes and waits for my answer. "It's eight. They open in two hours. We need to figure out a game plan." I explain as I climb off of my chair and stretch my arms and legs.

"I say we put this stuff away and climb back in the pop house." He suggests as he looks around. I really can't think of any other plan. At least we could hide in there until they opened and then climb out without being seen. It isn't like we can wait at the door for someone to come in.

"I think that is about the best idea out there." I say with a nod as I look at it. "But then again, climbing out in the center aisle may not be the best idea. I say we hang out in the back where they have the lumber and the doors." I tell him, not wanting to get caught.

"That could work." Derek agrees. "We could almost hide behind those doors back there. I'm sure most everyone who comes in will be right here." He agrees as he begins to fold up his sleeping bag and put it into it's original packaging. "These things never go back in the way they were, do they?"

"No, I guess they don't." I agreeing, knowing that mine was the exact same way. I really don't care too much about it. I did the best I could and that was all the effort I put into it.

"We really should get going, Mer. I bet they come in here early." Derek says as he grabs up all of his stuff and begins walking to the sporting goods department. I grab up my own and follow his lead.

Derek and I made sure we put everything back where we found it. We found the perfect nook to hide in by the exterior doors, making our way between several of them. Truly we didn't need to hide. We could have just explained it all, but neither of us wanted to go through all of the trouble. As we waited, we couldn't believe how long it was until people started coming in.

"I think it's safe." I tell Derek as I peer out, seeing a few customers walking around. "Let's get out of here."

"Yeah, I think it's safe by now." He agrees as he takes the lead and climbs out of the doors. "Do you need to get your stuff?" He asks as walks towards the horse items. Truthfully I just want to get out, but at the same time, it would look less suspicious.

"Yeah. I guess we can." I tell him with a nod as we walk down the aisle. I quickly grab my items and make my way to the closest checkout that is located away from the main entrance.

"How are you today?" The cashier asks as she scans my items. It takes everything I have to not bust out into laughter.

"I'm good." I lie as I hand her the cash needed to pay for my goods. I'm not good. I'm not bad. For now, I am in a neutral zone. That is until Derek opens his mouth. And I don't want to talk about it.

"That was so close." Derek tells me as we walk towards his car. I have to admit, the car makes me wet. Wet for it. Wet for the driver. Just plain wet. It's sexy as hell.

"Too close." I agree as I hear the door locks open in his car. I wait a minute and then open the door. I sigh as I let my body sink into the red and black leather seats. I am sure with this much power, this beast is hard to drive in the winter. I also have a sinking feeling that Derek doesn't much care, seeing as he does look good going down the road.

Derek and I remain silent. I let my eyes wander over to him occasionally and I can tell that he wants to talk about last night. I don't want to. I completely regret telling him anything. I wish I had kept my mouth shut and my secrets to myself. The worst part of it all is the pity. I can't stand the pity that he will give me. He shouldn't feel sorry. It's a fact of life. Bad things happen to people and they can either overcome or get flushed down the river.

"I want sex." I blurt out. I am not a blurter. Nearly everything I ever say is thought out. I always weigh reactions in my head before I even attempt to bring something up. Just now was a subject change. Once again, I don't regret it, it was needed.

"Okay..." Derek says, caught off guard. He was getting ready to say something and I just rocked his whole mental pre-conversation pep-talk. I knew and I changed it. I win.

"I need to go feed the horses. We will say that we went to the barn extra early. We can throw breakfast in there too if we need to. Either way, I want sex at the barn. Are you game?" I ask him. As if I really need to ask him. I'm sure he is always game. Every twenty-some year old guy is game for whatever you bring down on him.

"Of course I am." He says with a smirk as he drives. I begin spitting directions to the barn. I always seem to forget that he has no idea where he is going. I talk about tiny insignificant things as he drives along. Anything to avoid the huge subject matter that is hanging over my head and trying to smash me down.

"You give them hay." I tell him as we walk through the cold air. I know Derek knows how to give them hay, seeing as he has been doing it for years now. I can't believe he has been coming back. I always thought it would be that one time, but every time he returns.

"Not a problem." Derek says as he fills up the wheelbarrow. "How much?" He questions as he measures out how many flakes are there for the amount of horses that reside.

"Three each. They are staying in today." I point out as I think about the cold crisp air outside and the windchill. I rush through the grain and water, wanting what I asked for. When I said it, I wasn't wanting it bad, but now I am wet and craving it.

"All done." Derek tells me as he closes the hay room door and walks towards me. I have to smirk at the boy. I just have to.

"Not quite." I tell him as I shove him up against the wall. I guess I will take the lead, seeing as this was all my idea.

"Wow, Mer... Way to take control." He says as he lets me go about my business. I hastily play with his jeans wanting them off as soon as possible. As soon as I get them down, I see his hard cock poke out of his boxers. "Someone wants to play." He says as he begins to tug on my jeans. "And as much as I like you in control, it has to be me." He says as he spins me around and places my ass against the wall. "I think you need to get out of your pants." He says as he looks into my eyes.

"Um, yeah. I think so." I agree as I look into his eyes. He wants this as much as I do, if not more. "Let's fuck." I say as I let everything fall to the barn aisle floor and put my hands around his back.

"Let's fuck." He agrees as he runs his hands over my ass, resting on my thighs, pulling my legs up and around him. "I bet your little pussy is so tight." He tells me with a smile as he looks into my eyes.

"Tight for you, Derek." I tell him with a nod. "And I want your thick cock now. Give it to me now." I tell him as I close my eyes and wait for his hasty penetration. "Come on!"

"You asked for it." He warns as he rams his cock into my clitoris. I moan at the sensation of his velvety head rubbing against my ultra-sensitive area. "You are getting it!" He says as I feel his cock run through my tiny opening. I pant softly as I spread my legs more readily for him.

"Oh god, Derek! Oh god!" I moan as I feel him running deep through my wet hot folds.

"You like that?" He asks as he rams me quickly over and over again. It feels like perfection. It feels like we were made for each other. It doesn't take long with Derek. Less time than with any other man. Derek's cock has a way of tasting my sweet spot.

"Oh god, yes. Yes! Yes! Yes!" I pant as I feel him pulsating as the blood fills the chambers. I moan as I feel myself close. One of the horses is breathing hot air on my bare back as I let Derek push me with force.

"Oh baby! There is is. Fuck yes. There it is!" I hear him grunt as I let out tiny squeals, his cock rubbing against my g-spot sending me into spasms. "I'm gonna blow." He warns me as he fills my contracting vagina with his sticky wet cum.

"Oh..." I sigh as I lay back against the wall. That is how we have fun at the barn.

I'm getting attached to Derek. Unfortunately this happens to me. I get attached to people and can't shake them. Or more, they can't shake me. I wouldn't say I hang on them. Heck, they probably don't even know how much I depend on them. Anyhow, this is what is happening with Derek. I am attached to him, and now he is leaving.

I was in a funk. Since I told Derek about my past, I have been in a funk. I almost feel as if I have sabotaged myself and the time I could have had with him. I wanted to bask in every moment as if it was our last. That would have made me so happy. Yet, I was a fool. I acted hard, like I didn't care. That's not me. Not even close.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Mark asks as I drive down the road. Apparently they need ice to take their recent Christmas spoils home with them. It's freezing cold out, and they need ice. Go figure.

"I'm fine." I mutter as I look at him. I only look for a second, fearing that he will see the truth. He doesn't need to know that I am not fine. Not even close.

"Sure you are." Mark mutters as he looks out the window. I guess he is ready to drop it, knowing that I won't crack. I never do. Well, I guess I shouldn't say never, seeing as I have. I did with Derek. "Are you and Derek fighting?" He asks. I look at him in shock. I can't believe he would ask if Derek and I are fighting. As if it's his business.

"No. Derek and I are fine. We're just friends, you know." I tell him frankly. As if friends can't fight. My statement doesn't even make sense. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself.

"Just friends.... Yeah, I know you are just friends." He says with a chuckle as he looks at me. This time, I avoid his gaze pretending it's not even there. I don't want to go further into whatever it is that Derek and I have going on.

"Go get the ice." I say as I pull in front of the gas station. Mark climbs out of my Jeep in silence and walks into the gas station. I sigh, feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders. It's stress. It's emotion. It is everything I am feeling, balled up in a huge mess.

I'm not sure what Derek and I have. I can't be a fool. I can't love him when I don't love him. I can't pretend I don't love him, when I love him so deeply. Do I love him deeply? I wonder. I'm so unsure. I have never felt these things before. This is all new to me. I cant love Derek. The whole point of Derek was sex. That was all it ever was. I don't need to have fits over this. He is just sex, nothing more.

"Got it." Mark says as he tosses the big bag of ice in the back of my car. I watch as he sits down in the passenger seat and shuts the door. I don't have music on. Somehow I realize this, and yet I do not. I always have music on but right now, my mind is gone. "You are not fine. This is almost laughable." Mark says as I drive along. I chose to ignore his comment for the greater good.

"I'm tired." I moan, more out of habit than actual fact. Generally when I am in the middle of school, I am exhausted.

"Take a nap." Mark says simply as we near the house. I hate it when people say things like that. As if that isn't the obvious answer. What's more, do they think I am so stupid that I don't realize this myself?

"Yeah. Maybe I will." I say, going along with my false statement that I had made earlier. "You grab the ice, okay?" I ask as I pull my keys out of the ignition and open my door. I don't feel like grabbing that bag of ice when it is only fifteen degrees out.

"Are the bags in the car?" I hear my aunt yell to Derek. I sigh as I listen for him to answer. Soon enough, there will be no answers. I will hear no more of Derek's voice. This makes me sad, strangely enough.

"Yes. We're just waiting for Meredith and Mark to bring the ice back." He points out as he walks. He rounds the corner and nearly knocks me down. "And here they are." He adds as he grabs the ice from Mark's hands.

"That's freaking cold!" Mark points out as he happily releases the ice into Derek's hands.

"What a whiner." Derek says as he winks at me and walks away. I feel my heart sink. It was never this bad before. Now everything that Derek does, I see as our last. I don't even care about sex right now. If that isn't strange, I don't know what is.

"You guys should go. If you get out of here now, you will miss the rush hour." My aunt points out as she looks at the clock.

"All we have to do is pour the ice." Derek tells her as he pours it into the cooler, a loud avalanche sound pouring out of the plastic box. Derek and Mark do a last minute check of everything and say their goodbyes to the family.

"Bye, Mer." Mark says as he gives me a quick hug and climbs into the car. I sigh as I watch him leave. These are my good friends and it feels like they are abandoning me.

"So..." Derek says as he looks into my eyes. I look deeply back into his and smile. It's a fake smile to cover the pain I am feeling at the moment. "I guess.... I will... I will see you later." Derek tells me with a smile.

"Yeah. I'll see you later." I tell him with a nod. There is so much I want to say. I'm scared. Way too scared.

"Well.... Bye." Derek mutters as he gives me a quick hug and walks away. "Mer- Nevermind." He says quickly. I look into his eyes as he climbs into the car. "See ya." He mouths. There was more. So much more. He had something to say. And me. Damn me. I can't believe it. I, Meredith Grey am in love. I'm in love with Derek Shepherd.


	43. Here

I'm in a bad way. I am in a really bad way, and I'm not sure how to pull my dumb ass out of it. So it seems that I am in love. I'm not just talking love. I'm talking really in love. So much love that it hurts when Derek is away. Now Derek lives a half a day away from me, it's not like I can just run over to his house and proclaim my undying love. No, I am here. I am here and I am dying without him. God it hurts. How does one go on?

It scares me. Maybe this is why I have kept myself from love for such a long time. No one should feel this way. No one should feel as if they can't breathe because they are without a person. I am a firm believer that everyone should be independent. You should be able to do everything on your own and when someone else comes along, it is great when you can function with that person in your life. Everyone needs to be okay on their own. I am not. I was, but now with Derek's absence, I am falling. I am falling fast.

"Hello?" I say as I answer my phone. I almost don't want to talk on the phone. I am terrified that someone will realize. There is a difference between grumpy Meredith and lovesick Meredith. Well, it is more like Eeyore Meredith. Nonetheless, this Meredith is scary not only to herself, but to others too.

"Hey Mer." I hear Mark say as I toss my special face wash in my bag. I'm a bit shocked that he is calling me. Usually we go a little more time before we talk to each other.

"Hey Mark. What's going on?" I ask with raised brows as I look into the mirror. This is the point where I am one-hundred percent tingly inside. I am hoping for just the mention of Derek's name. Just the tiniest smidgen that he is alive and will. A tiny bit of dirt. Anything that I can either fantasize about or elaborate on.

"Not much. I just figured I would check up on you. You weren't looking so good when we left." He points out. At that moment, I feel a bit of a rumble in my tummy. I wonder if it is that noticeable to everyone. I sure hope that it is not.

"I was fine." I say quickly. I was fine. Or not. Okay, Mer, keep lying to yourself. Once you convince yourself, maybe you can convince everyone else. Maybe.

"Yes. You were fine just like you were fine in the car. Okay, Mer. It's obvious to everyone." He tells me frankly. What is obvious? The fact that I have become some lovelorn emotional freak? Or the fact that I am less grumpy and more something else. Maybe it is the fact that I am openly miserable, just as before, but with a bit more of an edge.

"I am okay. I guess I am in a funk." I tell him with a sigh as I walk over and lay back on my bed. I need to lay on my bed. I need to get to my center and all that zen crap. Maybe I need to look into that. Maybe it will help me.

"Yeah. I guess so. But that funk you talk about? That would be called love. Don't worry, Derek is feeling it too." He tells me. I feel the blood pump so quickly through my veins that a hot flush comes over my whole body. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Or at the very least, I may just pee my pants.

"Derek found love?" I ask simply. It really can't be me and I'm not sure why my delusional self is thinking that it can be. "That is great..." I mutter as I trail off. Truly, the idea makes me so sick I am fighting the need to vomit all over myself.

"Um, yeah. Derek has found love. Apparently you have too." He tells me. Now my attention is piqued. I am definitely more than delusional. "You two have found love... Together. With each other." He says frankly. I let out a shocked gasp. Could it be true? Could Derek feel the same way as I?

"What?" I ask in a true state of shock. I never thought it could actually be. Actually is a lot stronger than possibly and I will take it graciously. "What do you mean?"

"Mer, playing dumb is not your strong suit. You are no good at it." He warns me as he takes a quick pause. "He talked about you the whole way home. First it was masked and by the end of the drive, it was out in the open. He went on and on about you. He is in love with you. How could you not see it?"

"He isn't in love with me, Mark. He just- It's sex and all of that. I mean, look at how it started. It was never supposed to be anything more. Relationships like those never work out. You don't eat and sleep where you shit." I snap as I roll my eyes. He is telling me what I want to hear, and now I am fighting him on it. How twisted is that?

"Okay. Hmm... So all these people who sleep with the love of their lives, they must be eating where they shit, huh?" He asks. Okay, my analogy was stupid. Incredibly stupid. But my point is that this never works out.

"Um- Well.... Derek is an idiot. He doesn't love me. He is just fucking with you. Derek and I- It will never happen. Just shut up, okay?" I ask with a loud tone.

"Well.... Whatever, Mer. I guess you like to go through life with a blindfold over your eyes. Why don't you get back to me in twenty years. Let me know how it served you." He tells me.

"Derek does not love me." I say as I shake my head in denial.

"Yeah... We'll see about that." Mark tells me with a smile. "If he didn't.... He would be on his way." He muttered.

"What?" I ask in shock. On his way??

-------------------

So Derek is on his way. Or was on his way. I'm not sure what he is at the moment. I tried to get more out of Mark, but of course he turned into a guy and refused to say anything else. I'm not sure how long it really takes him to get here, but I'd imagine he should be here soon or by now.

I'm wondering why Derek is coming. He really doesn't have a reason to be coming to my town. Mark had mumbled something about him loving me, but I am sure that it is just him teasing me. He is probably attempting to get me back for all mean things I probably deserve a little bit of return torture.

I lay back on my sofa and think about all of this. At the moment, my life is full of confusion. At the moment, I'm not sure if I'm coming, going or been there. I'm so busy with school, it's insane. I don't know how I will ever make it through all of it, and by the time I make it, I will be so tired, I will never actually make it. I lay back and close my eyes, knowing that not only do I have all of that on my mind, but also that damn thing called love.

"Oh!" I gasp as I jump up from my sofa. I hear the loud sound of my doorbell. No one ever uses my doorbell. They usually just walk in the back door and start yelling at me. I know it isn't the safest to leave my door unlocked, but it's what I do. I quickly jump up and rush to my front door.

I look up in shock. It's Derek. Derek is here. He actually came to my door. He's here at my house. All of the things that Mark said are ringing in my ears. Derek actually came here and that means something. That means something huge. That means that Derek might actually love me. If Derek loves me, I'm not even sure what to say or do. I'm not sure how to react. I guess I should just see what he has to say.

"Der-" I start before it happens. I feel Derek's soft lips on mine. We had a rule. A no kissing rule, and yet Derek is here kissing me deeply. I let out a soft moan as he runs his tongue over my lips and then slides it in. I melt softly as his tongue wraps around mine tasting me. I can taste his minty breath as I pull away, feeling his lips peck mine one last time. "Derek- What are you- What are you doing here?"

"I came to say.... When I was here last time... There were things I needed to say. I needed to tell you, but I didn't. I needed to- I have come here to- I'm in love with you, Meredith. I love you. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I love you, Meredith Grey."

I don't even know what to say. This is everything that I ever wanted with Derek. Maybe not in the beginning, but right now, I think it is. The problem is, could it work? This is me we are talking about. I'm that girl who doesn't know how to be happy. I'm the one that has locked my heart up tight. I put so many locks and barriers up to protect myself. Now we are talking about letting all that go for the sake of one man. It scares the hell out of me and I'm not sure I want to do it.

"Do you hear me?" Derek finally says as he grabs my shoulders gently and looks into my eyes. "I love you." He repeats.

"I did hear you." I tell him with a sigh as I look into his eyes and then down at my own feet. "I heard you."

"That's it? That is all I get? An "I did hear you." What is that? I just said all this and- What do I get? I mean, not that I expected to get anything, but damn, I expected some heartfelt words from you." Derek points out as he drops his hands off of me. I think he really might be mad at me.

"Derek, you know I'm not the heartfelt kind of girl. I mean, you can say that stuff to me, but you know I may not return that stuff because- Well, you know." I say as I look anywhere but at him. I'm having a really hard time looking at him. It's hard to look him in the eyes, knowing how deeply he feels.

"I know. I mean, I have thought about this a lot. This isn't something that I decided and just drove hours and hours to come tell you. I have put thought into this. I know you. I know how you think, and I think I know a little bit about how you feel and what you have been through. I know you well enough to know that you can't say your feelings. So- At least say something!" Derek says quickly as he gasps for breath. I'm pretty sure that he had ceased breathing for a few moments.

"Yes. Yes..." I tell him. Yes to what, I do not know. Just yes, because yes freaking works. As I look at him, I can tell that he has a huge question mark above his head. He too is wondering just what yes means. "What I mean is... I like you. I like you a lot."

"Oh. Nice. Okay, so I just drove for an eternity to be told that you like me a lot. Well, do you know who I like a lot? My friends. I would never fuck my friends, okay? I would never do this- I like you a lot? God, Meredith. I guess we are on different levels here. The playing fields are- Fuck." He says as he runs his hands through his curls. He is obviously irritated by me and I can't say I blame him in the least.

"No! No, that's not what I mean, Derek. I mean.... I like you. Like a lot. Like- I can't say that. I care for you deeply. I can't say those words, okay? They scare me. But Derek, I really, really like you. Like... L.Y.. I L.Y. you, okay?" I ask him with exasperation. I want him to know how much I care, I just can't say what I need to say.

"L.Y.?" Derek asks with confusion. "Oh! Oh... Oh my god!" He says as his face breaks into a huge smile. It is obvious that I just made his day. "You do. You love me too! Shit. Yes!" Derek says happily as he looks into my eyes and pulls me close again, kissing me deeply. I feel his mouth mesh with mine, his tongue sliding in so gently. I can't help but let a faint moan escape my lips. I have to admit, this kissing thing is fantastic. As he pulls away, I find myself missing the touch. "We need to get your feelings in check."

"What do you mean?" I ask him as I lean back, unsure of exactly what he is talking about. "Get my feelings in check?"

"Yes. You need to feel things and accept what you feel. I know it's hard, Mer. Well, I don't know. I was lucky enough to grow up with a wonderful family who cared about me. I never lacked love, and I knew what to do with it. You have been...damaged. I hate to say that, and it's not a bad thing-" Derek starts. I look over at him and can't help but feel bad. I feel like I'm dirt. Like I'm nothing. Trash. Feelingless.

"It's a flaw." I point out sadly as I step back from the door. Apparently I'm not feelingless because right now, I'm feeling pretty damn bad. Right now, I want to cry. It seems that everyone sees what a freak I am.

"No. No, it's not a flaw. It's not a bad thing. You will be fine, Mer. I have faith in you." Derek says as he walks in and shuts the door behind him. He quickly walks behind me and grabs my shoulder. I feel him spin me around towards him. "Look at me..." He says as he tips my head up to look at him. "Not flawed. Perfect in my eyes." He tells me as he runs his thumb along my face. "Perfect."

"Derek..." I whisper sadly as I look at him. I have never been around anyone who was so genuinely kind to me.

"Why don't you go sit down. I'm going to grab my bag and lock my car up." Derek says as he points to the sofa.

"Okay." I agree as I amble over to the sofa and plop down. I look up, watching Derek disappear out my back door.

As I sit down, I try to take in everything that has happened. It's too much, way too much. I can't even begin to understand what just happened. Derek came all the way here for me and for me only. He wants to see me. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to love me. I quickly look up, realizing what he had said. He was going out to get his bag. He is staying here. I have never had a boy actually sleep and stay in my bed. This will never work. He needs to stay in the guest bedroom.

"Okay." Derek says as he walks in and tosses his back to the side. "Are you ready?" He asks as he looks into my eyes. I raise a quick brow.

"For?" I ask, wondering what he has planned for us now.

"To rock this house." He says with a smirk. Oh no, I'm in trouble now!


	44. Breakfast

I look at him. I'm scared to death. He's here. He's here and we said things and now things will happen. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or do. I'm terrified. Derek is standing here in front of me. I wonder if he has expectations. I wonder what he thinks will happen. I'm so afraid that I won't measure up to him. What if I fail miserably in his book. I just want to be happy. That is all I ever wanted.

"Um..." I say in a shaky voice. "Rock the house?" I ask, as if I don't know. Of course rock the house means ground shaking, wall pounding sex. This means he is going to rip me in two.

"Yes, rock the house." He repeats as he looks into my eyes. I swear he is trying to laugh, just knowing he is being so serious. He knows I laugh at inappropriate times and now is one of those times. "Feel me, baby." He says as he grabs my hand and runs it down to his jeans. I can feel his hard cock pressing against the fabric. "That is because of you..."

"Oh God!" I groan as I feel it, my own juices beginning to stir inside of me and run out. "Just...let's fuck." I tell him as I let him pull me along through the house. He has never been in my house but he seems to know where he is going.

"Oh god, Mer... I can already feel that tight pussy of yours around me." He moans as he pulls me into my room. I don't even realize that this is my room. We should be going to the guest room. I don't fuck in my room, I sleep in my room. "Strip." He demands as he pulls his clothes off, making his way around the other side of the bed.

"Okay." I say almost in a state of shock as I pull my shirt over my head and toss it to the wing chair in the corner. I can't take it as I look at his erect cock with it's velvety head standing ready for me. I feel my cream begin to drizzle over my damp landing strip. I have to think, if there was no hair, it would definitely be running down my leg. "Wow..." I mutter as I look at him standing on the other side of the bed.

"You look so sexy." He says as he plops on the bed. He reaches over and pulls me down with him. I let a faint smile creep across my lips as I roll onto my back and spread my legs for him. I rub my leg seductively up and down his own hairy leg. "That's right, lay it open for me. Let my cock taste your sweet little pussy." He tells me as he runs his finger over my slit. "Oh yeah, you sure are wet for me."

"I'm always wet for you, Derek. All I have to do is think about that cock and I am so wet for you." I tell him with a faint giggle. I watch as Derek places himself in front of me. "Scoot up." He says as he looks into my eyes. I nod my head and scoot towards him, wrapping my legs loosely around him as I anticipate it.

"Oh!" I pant as I feel him slide his cock inside me. My fluid lets it slide it with ease.

"Oh yeah! This pussy is perfect." He agrees with a nod as he pulls himself in and out, a foolish grin on his face. I smile back at him, basking in the perfectness of the moment. "You are so fucking tight."

"Mmm....Oh yeah... Right there." I mutter as my eyes roll back in my head, his cock tasting my folds as he runs in and out.

"Fuck, Mer... You are wet!" He says loudly. I close my eyes tight. He is right, I can hear the sloshing as he pulls in and goes out, stabbing me with his huge hard member. I was so ready for him. I feel the tickle of my warm juices running down my ass cheek. "It's nice..." He tells me as he picks up his pace. "Oh yeah. Fuck yeah." He groans as he buries his face in my neck and pounds me. I feel his hot breath on my neck, his teeth occasionally scraping me as he turns animalistic.

"Oh! Oh! Derek. Oh God, Derek. Oh yes! Harder.... Oh yeah...." I pant as my body is wracked with the force from his pushing into me. I hear my bed rocking hard back and forth. "I'm close...I'm close." I get out as my eyes roll back. I feel his cock twitch hard as he pulsates inside of me.

"I'm cumming, baby." He tells me as he gives one last thrust and then sits up, pouring his cum into me. I feel my orgasm rock my foundation as I contract around him, milking his cock of his seeds. "Fucking-A." He grunts as he feels me around him. "Yes."

"Oh god yes!" I squeal one last time, feeling my body in perfect harmony with his. "Oh yeah.... Perfect." I sigh as he pulls out, my body feeling as if it went through a war. It was a good war.

"You are... perfect, I mean." He tells me as his kisses me softly and then rolls over and lays on his back. I look over with a smile, seeing him close his eyes. "Thank you... Thank you, Mer." He tells me softly.

"For?" I ask frankly as I look over at him. I'm not sure what he is thanking me for. A tight pussy, I suppose.

"For you. Thank you for... You. You are great." He moans as he starts to breathe shallowly. I lay there and watch him.

As I sit here in my bed, I still can't believe it. He's right here. I look down, and there he is, his dark brown curls laying on my egyptian cotton pillowcase. His deep blue eyes, covered by tired, heavy lids. He is here, in my bed. A place where boys are not allowed to sleep. A place that is saved for me. But yet, I can't make him go. And I don't want to. He is here. He wants me, and he is here.

He is snoring. He is snoring softly, but it is there. I swear, every time he moves, the whole bed rocks. It's like he is playing football on the other side. This is why he should not be here. He should not be in my bed, disrupting my ever important sleep. I sigh as I roll over again, I keep trying to get myself in a position where I can't hear him or feel him. It is impossible. I quickly throw a pillow over my head to drown out the noise. I wonder if I left the room, how insulted he would be.

"Mmm... What are you doing?" I hear him moan softly. It's muffled, most likely because the stuffing of my pillow is doing an excellent job. "Mer?" He asks again. Now I must admit that I can't sleep next to him.

"Hmm?" I ask as I lift the pillow, tiny droplets of sweat running down my face. I guess it was hot under the pillow. Now I feel sick from my body overheating. "What?" I ask as I look into his eyes.

"Are you okay? You're all wet!" He says as he reached up and pats my face. "Oh no... Are you sick?" He asks in shock. He is in a panic, thinking I am dying beside him.

"No. I was just- I was having trouble sleeping." I admit as I roll my body completely towards him and sigh. I let my eyes close for several seconds as I lay there, finally feeling relaxed.

"Was it me?" He questions. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I can already tell that he is somewhat uneasy, worried that he has done something wrong. I don't want to tell him that his snoring makes me almost suicidal.

"No... No, it wasn't you. There is too much light coming in the window. I guess the pillow was just hot. I'm not sick. Not at all." I tell him as I cock my head, trying to show him that I am being genuine.

"You're sure?" He asks as he rubs his hand over my shoulder. I have to admit, it feels good. It feels perfect. I love basking in his love. I love the way I feel when I am with him. "Come here..." He says softly as he pulls me close and puts my head on his chest. I run my hands over his chest, stroking him softly. His soft skin feels butter soft under my hand.

"You smell good." I admit as I sniff his skin. He smells slightly sweet and musky, along with just the tiniest hint of sweat. He smells like a man. "Really good." I repeat as I sniff him again. I hear him chuckle lightly at my sniffing of his skin.

"I don't smell half as good as you. Lavender and vanilla. Am I right?" He asks as he looks into my eyes. I have to admit, I find it freaky that he knew. He should not be able to pick up on scents like that.

"How did you know?" I ask him in shock as I start to feel uncomfortable. What else does he know? Does he study me? Maybe I should never sleep. Do I ever smell bad? Would he tell me if I did? I feel my stomach rumble at the thoughts.

"I saw your shampoo and conditioner in the shower." He says with a smile as he looks at me. "I'm not a freak, I wasn't snooping. The door was open. I know you think you haven't slept, but you did. I went to the bathroom and get a glass of water. You didn't wake up until I got back in bed."

"It sure doesn't feel like I have slept." I admit as I let myself go completely limp against his body. His warmth is just perfect against my semi-bare skin. I can't sleep naked, but I can sleep in a cami and panties. I feel my slightly bare abdomen against him, my arm reached across his broad chest. "It's not you...." I lie as I close my eyes.

"Sure it isn't." Derek says frankly. "It's okay. I mean, I understand. I guess." He tells me as he lets out a huge breath. I am almost sure that he used mouthwash when he did make that bathroom trip because his mouth smells wonderful. I have to laugh, he is that guy. The guy that would be anal about that. Thank God. "Why are you laughing?" He asks in shock as he looks at me with half amusement and half concern.

"Nothing. It's just.... Nothing." I tell him as I let my giggles trail off. "Don't you sleep? Wait....Of course you do. I heard you snore for the last several hours." I tease as I let my eyelash hooded eyes look up at him.

"Me? Snore? I don't snore!" He insists as he looks at me. I raise an eyebrow at his comment. Not snoring? Nonsense.

"Oh yes, buddy. You snore. You snore big time!" I say as I shake my head in disgust. "You are a terrible snorer."

"Seriously?" He asks. He is serious. It is almost like he has never heard anyone make this claim in his life. "I really don't normally snore. I hope I'm not getting sick or something. Shit... If you want me to leave the room, I can."

"No, Derek. It's okay." I tell him, almost feeling guilty for bringing it up at all. "I'm real tired now anyhow. Let's just...Sleep." I say as I lay my cheek on his chest and take in the scent of him, breathing as shallowly as I can. I need to relax completely so I can fall into a silent slumber.

"Yes... Sleep." He agrees as he strokes my hair. I have a feeling now he will be the one to not sleep. I shouldn't have said anything.

I wake up groggy. Maybe it is the lack of sleep I got last night. I think exhaustion had finally taken over and allowed me to get some sleep. Derek claims I slept, but I think that was his underhanded way of pulling it off himself and throwing it back on me. Speaking of Derek, as I stretch I look around. He's not in the bed. He was here because I can smell him all over the pillow and all over myself. My arms have the soft scent of man on therm.

I pull myself out of my bed, my hipster panties and cami top clinging tightly to my body. I know if Derek walked in right now, I would definitely be embarrassed. I quickly stretch out the cotton sheets, not really caring if they are wrinkly underneath. Once I throw the duvet on top, you would never even know that the sheep may look a mess. I'm just too tired to care. I quickly pull on some pajama pants and a shirt.

As I hit the stairs, I instantly smell it. Breakfast. A good breakfast at that. It smells like eggs, toast, maybe some bacon. No, definitely bacon. Everyone knows the scent of bacon as it lingers in the air, it's smokey sweet scent tickling your nose. As I walk in the kitchen, a smile covers my face. There I see Derek, standing at the stove in his boxers. He looks so comfortable wearing such little fabric. I could never be that way. I have to see he is adorable.

"You're cooking breakfast." I say in shock as he stands there, flipping bacon, humming some song softly.

"I am cooking breakfast. I hope you are hungry." He tells me with a nod as he looked down at the food he had made and the eggs he has yet to make.

"So you sleep in my bed... And now you make breakfast?" I mutter under my breath, unsure of the way he has moved in on my territory. It's not that I don't like him there, it's just that I'm not sure. This was my comfort zone and now he has moved in on it.

"What's that?" Derek asks. He must have heard that I said something. I hope he didn't hear exactly what I said, although I am positive that he did not. I sigh and shrug as I walk up and pluck a piece of bacon off of the paper towel covered plate. Something needs to soak up the grease that is coating the tasty meat.

"Um.... Nothing." I tell him innocently as I place my back against the countertop and look into his striking blue eyes. I want to kiss him. I'm not a fan of kissing, but still, at this moment, I want to kiss him.

"Good morning, sweetheart." Derek tells me as he pins my body against the counter. I smile as I feel him against me. "How are you?"

"Tired..." I pout as he leans closer to me. I close my eyes as I feel him near, his mouth gently touching mine. I feel his lips pressed into my in the perfect lock. Derek's tongue runs along my lips and gently slides in, playing with my tongue. I moan and melt as our tongues play, extensions of our strong feelings. I have to admit, I feel a bit empty when he pulls away.

"Awake now?" He asks me as he stands there, waiting for me to open my eyes.

"Nope. Now I'm just ready for bed." I tell him suggestively as I raise my eyebrows. A day in bed, Derek my sex slave. Now that sounds like a winning idea.

"No, breakfast first, and then bed. Lots of bed." He tells me with a smile as he turns his attention back to the bacon. I shake my head as I watch him. I wonder if my mouth tasted like ass. I really should have made a quick trip to the bathroom to at least give my mouth a swirl of mouthwash.

"Fine. Breakfast first. I need fuel anyhow." I tell him with a wink as I look up at him. He gives a hearty nod as I turn around and disappear. Derek can cook, I cannot. I guess I'm already ahead in this relationship or whatever you would call it. More of an unknown mess, I guess you could say.

I look in the mirror as I walk in the bathroom. I don't know how to do this. Not at all. Do i say things or do I remain silent. I have pretty much told Derek my deepest darkest secrets so I wonder just what more there is to say. There is nothing more to say. We just go on. The problem is, I have no idea how to act in a relationship, if that is even what it is. I don't know how to do this. I just know that Derek is in my kitchen cooking me breakfast. I don't know how to eat breakfast that a boy cooked in my kitchen. Honestly, I just want to lay down in the bathtub and wash down the drain. To wash to the drain forever.

I slowly brush my teeth, dreading going out there. I'm not really sure why I am so scared, but I am. I don't want to look up at him and pretend that we are normal. Maybe we aren't normal, maybe we are. We are something and I'm not sure what to do about. I rinse my face and pull my hair into a ponytail.

"Mer?" I hear Derek say as he taps on the door. He is wondering what is taking me so long. I'm sure he wants me to come out and eat breakfast.

"Yeah?" I say lightly, knowing that he knows I am in there. I can't pretend that I'm not, I've been caught.

"Did you fall in, honey?" He asks lightly. I open the door and look up at him. His blue eyes make me immediately comfortable. I feel at ease with him there, even if I am scared. "Are you okay?" He asks me as he cradles my face in his hands. I let out a loud sigh as I look at him.

"Yep. I'm okay. Let's eat!" I tell him as I try to pull away. He gives me some resistance and kisses my forehead, then letting me go. "I'm starved."

"I hope you're hungry. I made a lot." He says as he hands me a huge plateful of food. I smile as I look down at the food. It looks great as we sit down at the kitchen table across from each other. Derek looks happy as he sits there, stabbing his eggs. "It's great, Derek." I tell him happily. Derek just smiles at me. He looks happy. He looks content.


	45. Upset

I sit on my bed and stare at the wall. This is all too new to me. This is all so different. Derek is in my shower right now. He is taking a shower and I am supposed o be getting ready to go out. I can't seem to peel myself away from this interesting wall. Okay, maybe it isn't so interesting, but it is better than picking out something to wear. Why does Derek have to take me out for dinner? I'd just rather stay in my cocoon. Preferably by myself, sending him away when I am done with him.

It's not that I want Derek to leave. It's not that he turns me off to were I can't even look at him. It's that he makes me uncomfortable. He isn't doing anything wrong. He is being supportive, and nice. He is going out of his way to make me feel special. These are things I haven't felt before. Really, just not in a long time. I'm afraid to get hurt. That scares me worse than anything else could.

"Are you ready?" Derek asks as he rounds the corner and walks into my room. "You're not." He says in shock as he looks at me. Here I sit, still in a towel, not even in my robe. My hair is still wet and laying on my shoulder, the occasional drip running down to it's tip.

"I will be." I mutter, not coming out of my fog. I'm completely enthralled by this perfect silence that I was in. Now Derek is here, putting pressure on me. "I'm going." I tell him as I remain seated and look not at him, but at that wall. It's like a trance I'm in and I enjoy it when I go there.

"Our reservations are for- Oh my God, Mer, we have to go soon. I had to pull strings to get us in there." He tells me as he stands by my side. I still haven't looked at him, but I know that he is there, looking at the side of my face, and jumping up to get ready. "I guess we could just cancel." He suggests as he let's out a disappointed sigh. Music to my ears, and yet I feel a pang of guilt.

"I'm going." I say again but this time I do it. I quickly rise to my feet, snapping out of my trance. "I'll be out in a second." I tell Derek as I walk into my closet. Most girls would freak out, but not me. I grab a simple black lace bra and matching bikini cut panties. I pull them on and then grab my cranberry, white and navy striped button up top and black pants. I'm sure it's not as sexy as he would like, but it's all I have. I'm not one for dressing up. I quickly run my fingers through my hair and grab a pair of socks. "Okay." I tell him as I walk out of my closet now in my favorite black boots.

"Already?" He asks in shock as he looks at me. Apparently he is used to regular girls. I don't bother with makeup. I thought about it when I was younger. Once before a school dance, probably the only one I went to, my friend and I went to the mall. Her friend worked at the makeup counter and was going to give us free makeovers. I'll never forget that girl saying I had great skin and don't ruin it with makeup. That was the last time I wore it.

"Yep. Are you ready to go?" I ask him as I spritz my hair, hoping the natural light curl will behave itself. "I'm ready." I say as I walk past him and down the stairs. I walk in the kitchen and grab my purse.

"I can't believe- I mean, you look amazing, but I can't believe that you got ready so quickly." He says in shock as he grabs his keys. Apparently he would rather drive than me. I can't say I blame him, my Jeep smells horrible. "I've never known a girl who can get ready so quickly." He points out as he unlocks his car and opens the door for me. I slide into the low seat and lay my head back. I can do this. It's not like Derek is a stranger. "Hey..." He whispers as he grabs my hand for a second and strokes it at a red light. When it changes, he releases and goes back to shifting.

"I'm okay." I say to myself. The problem is, I said it too loud and Derek hears me say it. He quickly looks over at me. He realizes that I am saying it to myself, not to him.

"What's wrong?" He says in shock. I'm sure he isn't used to a complete freak of a girl sitting next to him. "Do you want to go home?" I know he doesn't. For once in my life, I have to not be selfish.

"No. I'm fine. I was just- I felt sick for a second. I guess I'm really hungry." I lie as he drives along. I lay my head back on the black and red leather seats and close my eyes for the rest of the drive. I need to keep my thoughts to myself. Stupid me.

"My lady." Derek says as he opens my door. I sigh as I swing my leg out and stand up. We are at the finest steakhouse in the area. He went way out of his way to make this happen.

"Thank you." I whisper as I entwine my arm in his and walk alongside him to the entrance of the restaurant. The line is long, luckily he did get reservations.

"Shepherd." Derek tells the hostess as he looks around. She nods and tells him it will be just a few minutes. I look around at everyone. I wonder if they are all looking at me. I wonder if my scars are visible like I think they are. I need to do something to busy myself. I'll call Izzie. I quickly hit the green button twice to call the last person I have called. I freeze as I hear Derek's phone ring. It's not that I called him. It's the ringtone.

_[i]Blood sugar baby, Shes magik, Sex magik sex magik, Blood sugar baby, Shes magik, Sex magik sex magik, Blood sugar crazy, She has it, Sex magik sex magik.[/i]_

I look at him in horror. I slowly shut my phone, hearing the music stop. I look around, seeing everyone look at me. They heard it. I can't believe that is my ringtone. I drop my head in horror, wondering how else I can be humiliated. Derek gives me a shit-eating grin, feeling self-satisfied. Ass. And now these people will be talking about it over their candlelit dinner. Probably not, but I will assume they are.

As we walk to the table, I feel the color of my face turn from a nice peachy flesh color to a beet red. I feel like it is all being played on the jumbo-tron. I know that Derek did it in an endearing way, but nonetheless I am humiliated. I keep my head down as I walk behind Derek and the hostess. He had motioned for me to go first, being the gentleman that he is, but I couldn't. I had to be a follower while he walked through with his head held high.

I sit down in the seat that Derek has pulled out for me. The white linen tablecloth looks so elegant. I know I have to let my embarrassment go and try to get over it. I need to sip wine from the sophisticated glasses that are sitting on our table. i need to eat their marinated steaks that have been aged to protection. Most importantly, I need to look across the table at this perfect man in front of me.

"I'm sorry, Mer." I hear him say quietly after the hostess walks away from our table. I sigh as I raise my eyes and look fully into his blue ones. Something about him is so captivating to me.

"It's okay." I tell him with a nod as I take a sip of the water that was poured for us. I need something to moisten my palate. In fear, I had gotten a complete dry mouth. I don't know why these trivial things affect me so much. "I was just... Embarrassed."

"But it's true... I hear that song, and I think of you." Derek tells me with a nod. he has a dead serious look on his face and I can't help but want to giggle at him. I just shake my head.

"Yeah, okay." I tell him as I roll my eyes. "It's so not true, Derek." I tell him as I take another drink. I'm not normally a drinker, but at this moment, I would take a nice stiff drink. I need something to knock me on my ass.

"Mer, you are a sex goddess. Don't you ever forget that." Derek tells me frankly as he reaches across the table for my hands. I look down and hold my hands under the table. I just don't get why that would even be my reaction. I'm a strange girl. This is a strange world. "Okay." He says as he pulls his hands away. Dinner seems so simple, and yet it is not. I am a strange girl. To be normal, that would be great!

I wish I could do it. Such a simple thing, placing your hands in another's. But yet, I cannot do it. I can't make that connection. Feelings could be transfered through those hands. It's not that I'm afraid of feeling. It;s more that I'm afraid of feeling too much and then getting hurt. I don't want to hurt. I just want to be happy. I guess until I learn to put my walls down, I will not get to the point of happiness Just when is that point? It's not yet.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I'm just not... I'm not that way." I say as I take in a breath and sigh. I can tell he is disappointed.

"You're not a lot of ways." He mumbles under his breath as our waiter walks up. I go into my own little happy world. I hear him saying things about our dinner and what wine we should chose. A glass of wine would make it all perfect at this point. A bottle of wine would make it even better than perfect. I need something to dull out what I am feeling. You have no idea how much I wish I was not that way. "I ordered crab stuffed mushrooms." Derek tells me. He must have realized that I was off in the special place I go to. What a good place it was.

"That sounds good." I tell him with a nod and a smile as I take another sip of the water. I'm going to need more soon. I have drank it down, using it as a distraction. I swear, if it comes down to it, I will point something out to Derek and I will switch glasses. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what it is.

"Good. I had to decide, seeing as you were off in your own little world." He says with a nod. I can tell he is bit irritated. If he is thinking of me moving my chair so I can sit next to him and he can look lovingly into my eyes, he is insane.

"I like it that." I giggle as I look around the restaurant. I have no idea what I am going to have. My stomach is too knotted up to eat anything. "My own little world is a great place."

"Apparently." He says with a shake of his head. If I could blow him right now, he would forget it all. I could use sex as I always do. I could use sex as a distraction. I may have a problem as far as that is concerned but I just don't care. I'm not prepared to deal with it.

"I can't help but be me, Derek. That is all I can be." I tell him sharply. I'm having the porterhouse. That is what I want, soaked in the house's special seasonings. I will at least eat a good steak if I have to be here. And to think, there are people that would actually want this.

I live in the house of silence. At one point in my life, I was an avid speaker. I liked to talk to the point of annoyance to everyone around me. It's not like that now. I only talk if I have something to say. If I really like someone, I will talk their ear off occasionally. It depends on my mood. Sometimes I will sit in silence for hours, just listening to my thoughts. Other times, I will start talking if I'm nervous and feel like I need to avoid something.

"How is the steak, ma'am?" The waiter says as he walks up. I don't like that. I'm not a ma'am and I'm positive that I don't look like a ma'am. I look like a miss or something. Ma'am reminds me of an older married lady. That is definitely not me.

"Good." I say quietly. Nothing was attached to that phrase. It was just a word. The truth is, the steak is butter soft and melt in your mouth. It is delectable. More than any of that, it is a distraction. I am always looking for those.

"I have been asking her that all night." Derek states to the waiter. I don't know what he is trying to do. Maybe he is trying to bully me into talking to him. Maybe he thinks that if he calls me out to the waiter, I will feel like a fool and start talking. Not now, now he has just irritated me.

"The lady doesn't speak?" The waiter asks as he looks down at me. I look up at him. Now he is in on the game. Now he is in on the bullying process. I glare. He backs away. Smart of him. I have a knife.

"The lady doesn't speak." Derek agrees as he sits there. He sighs and the waiter walks away. He cuts another piece if steak and places it in his mouth.

I can tell it's affecting him. I'm sorry that it is, but I'm me. I am me and he has to accept that. This is all really new, and really hard. It's hard for me to express to him how I feel. If expressing isn't hard enough, it's even harder to admit it and feel it. It scares me to put myself out there. The minute I let him take my heart, he can stomp it into the ground. It is safer for me to hold my own heart.

"I know how to speak. You don't have to do that to me!" I growl, not slowing down for him to answer. "You made me look and feel like a complete asshole in front of him." I say as I furrow my brow.

"Oh wow... Meredith Grey feeling like an asshole?" He says gasping for dramatic appeal. "I think you were embarrassed." He said with a smirk. And I think he is glad that I was embarrassed.

"Don't talk to me. Just- Don't talk to me." I say as I shake my head and completely focus on my meal. I have shut myself off from him.

Now I am taking eating my meal as an art form. I have always been the fastest eater at the table. Second only to my mother, of course. You would think that she would be a slow eater, knowing it's not good for your body to take a full meal in minutes. I guess she didn't care. It could also be the fact that she was always getting called away from the table and into surgery. Sometimes I think I was never meant to eat a quiet meal with her. Other times I think that it was for the best. The two of us may turn dinner into a knife wielding blood bath. So now, I cut my steak slowly and perfectly.

"I guess I'm sorry." He says after a long time of silence. It was a stretch and a half. I am finding that Derek is insecure in the silence.

"You guess? You guess? No, Derek. You humiliated me. You know how hard this is for me. You are the only one... And you just through that away. You humiliated me, and you know I have a hard time. I am trying, and you are laughing at my face at my efforts. Is nothing good enough for you?" I ask as I feel myself tearing up. I refuse to cry in front of him. I have to shut back down for a moment.

"You are right. I am sorry." He says, I think unsure of what else to say. perhaps he is afraid he will set me off again. He has no idea how hard it is for me. I'm not crazy, I'm scared. I'm like a terrified animal and all he wants to do is pet me. In my mind, all I have to think about is survival. Derek could easily kill me. Or at least he could kill my heart.

"Are we thinking about dessert?" The waiter asks as he picks up our plates. I look at my plate in shock. I ate it all. All of it. I even ate the whole potato, skin and all. Talk about having your mind off in the middle of no where. That was not my finest moment of acting like a lady. That was very un-lady like.

"I'm too full." I tell him as I shake my head and look up. Derek agrees as he watches the waiter take the plates that are in our way. I look at the candle light in Derek's eyes, bouncing around, looking amazing. I find it next to impossible to not drown in that pool of blue. "Thank you, Derek. It was wonderful." I tell him as I watch the waiter walk away with his credit card in the book.

"I'm glad. I just want to make you happy, Mer." Derek tells me with a smile and then looks away. He needs distraction now.

He must feel what I am thinking. I am thinking that there is a chance that I will never be happy. Not with him, not with anyone. No one understands that you can't just wake up and be fine. Damaged is damaged. It just depends on whether it's fixable or whether it's a total loss. I'm still deciding what I am. Does that make me weak? Wouldn't you think everyone is fixable? You have to be thinking that people have made it through far worse than I. You're right. I guess I'm pathetic and weak. Right now, I cannot pull myself up.

"Thank you, Sir." The waiter says as he brings the book back. I take another and the final sip of my wine, as does Derek. I need to get out of there. I sigh as I stand and Derek takes a hold of my hand. I know he is trying to be sweet. I sigh and allow it. He opens my car door. I sigh and allow it. I sigh as he sits in his own seat in the car.

"I need to tell you, Mer...." He takes in a breath. "I love you. I love you so much that I can't breathe on my own. I want you to understand..." He trails. He trails because I am playing with his zipper. A blow job distraction. That will work for both of us. His cock is growing for me and I love it. "No! No, Meredith. That is not going to work." He says as he shoves me away. Damn him. I want my distraction!


	46. Weak

I think we've all figured out that Meredith doesn't like to talk about her feelings. Yep, I do not. It makes me absolutely sick. If I never talk about it, no one can judge it. The last thing I need to do is confess my feelings to Derek. If I tell him the truth, that I am madly in love with him, the next day he will sever all ties and forget I'm alive. Or maybe he would break my heart by telling me that I was far too involved and he had never committed that much to our screwed up relationship. I'm not sure I'm willing to put myself out there like that.

So here Derek is. I see his mouth moving. I can tell you he looks totally into it. I's almost bet that what he is saying is coming from his heart, or at the least he thinks it is. Derek seems happy and comfortable as I stare at him, seeing moving lips but trying like hell not to hear that sound. Does this make me a bad person? Yes, I'm sure it does.

"Are you listening to me?" He asks seriously. What do I say, no Derek, I have not heard a word you said because I don't want to. "I'm pouring my heart out here." And there it is. Didn't I tell you he was? I was right and I wish I was not.

"Yes." I tell him simply. Dear God if this is a test and he starts asking me what he has said, I will fail miserably. At that point, I will bail out of the car, rolling away. I will then climb on buses and jump on trucks to beat him home. I think I have the advantage because I am not sure he knows the way to my house. Then I will pack everything up and place it in the driveway, never talking to him again. No way.

"You looked like you were zoning out." He says frankly. Damn him, how does he know?

"I'm sorry, Derek." I say as I look away and out the window. It is cool by the water and I have caught a slight chill. I'm not sure what I am sorry for, but I do think that he will make a up a reason and all will be well.

"It's okay, baby. I know how you are. I guess I am just hoping one day you won't be anymore." He says in disgust or something like that. I don't even know how to take that? Is he wanting to be something I am not? Is he wanting me to change solely for him? Is he giving up on me? I am feeling like I have nothing. And I guess I shouldn't have anything.

"Oh." I say as I sit there, feeling so terrible about myself and this situation. I don't cry often, but I want to. Maybe it is time to give up on happiness. My mom always said I would die and old maid and I think she was right. She doesn't know me, but at the same time, it may just run in the family. Easy sex and no strings. I think that is us. "Oh."

"What?" He asks as he grabs my hand. This is probably the point where I am supposed to look lovingly in his eyes. I will not. Then he will read me. Then he may make me cry. I have had a lifetime of alone and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

"I don't know. I mean, I know what you are saying. And I appreciate you saying it. And... Can we-" I start as I feel all that emotion trying it's way out of my body. Get down, stay down in the pit of my stomach.

"Go home?" He suggests. Apparently he knows I am ready to spontaneously combust. Pieces of me will be all over the inside of his pretty car. I'm sure he doesn't want that.

"Perfect." I say happily as I realize that for the time being I am escaping this emotion fueled conversation of his heart. I know, I am pathetic. Most people aren't like this. I also know that I can't just wake up tomorrow and be okay. I just won't.

The car remains silent. The sad thing is, I thrive in that. I am like a mold that thrives in the dark. I want to be the bread left under the bed for a school project. I don't want to be pulled out. I want to be forgotten. I want to be left alone. I don't understand why Derek wants to try for me. What can't he just take what I can give him? Why can't he be like most guys, happy with sex and no emotion.

I say nothing as I walk in the house and go to the bathroom. My hiding spot. I never even said anything to Derek at all. Not even when I opened the door to the house. I'm not sure what he is doing but I know that if I cry, it needs to be silent. I learned to cry silently a long time ago. I can sob silently, letting the tears fall. I don't want him to hear. Some things he shouldn't know. The amount of pain I have is one of them.

As I pull myself together and walk out of the bathroom, I see him no where. I wonder what he is doing. I shrug as I trudge up the stairs and to my room. That has to be where he is. As I walk up, I hear music. I hear something. I just want to go to bed and I'm sure he will be chipper and chattery. As I walk in my room, I look in shock. Derek is in bed, nothing on. He has my song playing in the background. Now I am in my element. I can do this.

"Hey." I say as I draw in a deep breath and look up at him.

"Take off your clothes, baby." He says in a throatily voice, full of need. I quickly reach behind me, pulling the door shut. Derek walks up to me and smiles. He is completely naked. His hard manhood ready for me. His balls hanging and waiting for a ride. I don't know how he can be ready so quickly. It's like he is supercharged. He places his hands on the hem of my shirt and tugs it over my head. It has buttons. Buttons are now popping and flying and he doesn't seem to care. I like to let him think he is in control. "Oh...look at you." He asks as he puts his arms around me and unhooks my lacey pink bra.

"I just want it, Derek." I pant with a smirk. I know I need it. Derek has been very patient and I need him. I need to feel him.

"I think I am the one that needs it....." He says with a laugh as his fingers work on the button of my jeans. He obviously has something in mind. Like I didn't know that. "You look nice." He says with a nod as he looks at my lacy bra o the floor and my brazillian cut panties. Just scraps. Enough to cover the necessities and a bit of my ass. "Very nice."

"Hmm." I say with a slight smirk playing on my lips. Playing is so much fun. And to think, I had almost denied myself many times. "I think we need to have some fun." I tell him with a nod as I place my fingers on his chest.

I don't say a word. I don't move a muscle. I remain still as he massages my nipples with the palms of his hands. I feel my nipples turn into hard pebbles at his touch. Derek smirks as his hands run off my my breasts and down my sides. I want him touching me. I never admit it, but I need him touching me. He is the air I need. I feel him on my hips as he placing his fingers around the straps or my panties and tugs them down. I feel them slide down my legs and fall to the floor, where I kick them away.

"Get down on the floor." Derek says with a smile as he gives me a playful shove. "I think you may be in need of something."

"Oh really?" I ask as I stumble backward and look him in the eyes. "Why would I get on the floor?"

"Everyone knows the best fucks are on the floor." Derek jokes as he nods to the floor. I draw in a breath and take a seat on the floor. Derek walks over to the table and grabs one of those ob sleeves he calls a condom. The thing is, he is right, loud thrusty fucks always happen on the floor.

"Just do it, Derek. Fuck me right." I tell him as I spread my legs, ready for him to lay between. "You are the only one that knows how."

"Oh... I will fuck you alright." He says with a nod as he grabs my left leg. He runs his hands down my smooth flesh, careful to take only and inch at a time. He grazes my thigh as he places my leg over his left shoulder. Derek kneels, one knee on either side of my chest. "I'm lucky you are so flexible." He points out as he stretches my leg across and pushes my thigh down and back.

"Oh..." I moan as his fingers get dangerously close to my pussy. He notices my moan and runs his index finger up one wet lip and down the other. He stops in the middle and gently rubs my clit, causing me to jerk.

"Sensitive, are we?" He asks with a smile as I continually pull away. "I guess you need something else right now." He tells me as he grasps his cock and rubs the head against my slick wet slit. I smile as I feel the sensation.

"Yes, Derek.... That's it." I agree with a smile as I look down at his ample cock. "Just do it, Derek. Just give it to me." I beg as I stretch myself as best I can. Derek smirks as he places his cock against the opening of my vagina.

"Is this what you want?" Derek asks as he rubs me as hard and fast as he can with the head of his cock. I nod my head exuberantly, bearing down and waiting for his thick manhood to enter me. Derek gently slides in, filling me to the brink. "Damn... You are tight." He grunts as he feels my tight walls around him.

"Wow....God, Derek!" I spit as I feel his veiny member teasing my core. He sets off every nerve ending in my body. "You... Hard and thick. So hard and thick." I point out as I grasp his thighs. Derek places on hand on my right side for stability and the other around my leg, grasping my left side.

"Oh...Yeah, Mer... Oh yeah." Derek moans as he pulls out and drives back in, stimulating my whole core. I grasp his thigh tight in pleasure and pain. His thickness and length are almost too much for me, but I take it and I take it greedily.

"Oh... Derek... Oh god... That is- A little faster." I tell him as I move my hips along with his. I have little room to work, but I am making it go. I need him to fill me and I need to be able to regulate what I want. "Oh... Oh... Shallow. Right there." I tell him with a nod as I caress his thigh.

"There?" He asks as he takes shallow stabs into my core, being soft and gentle.

"Oh yes... That is it." I agree as I feel myself breaking out into a sweat. I can feel the warm dampness on Derek's flesh. It is taking so much out of our bodies.

"I have to do it harder." Derek warns as the animal takes over in him. He gets in position and takes driving force into my core. I feel like he is going to tear me apart, and yet the quickness of his pace has me reeling.

"Oh....Oh...Oh...Oh... Damn it... I'm there. I can't stop it." I tell him as I drive my hips into him. I need him to fill me. Part of me needs him to hurt me. He needs to tear me in two so that I know he really wants this. I'm so bad. I can't show my feelings. i deserve pain. I stop breathing so I can feel it. I want to feel it all. I pause as I feel him drive into me with such force and passion. "Oh, there....Hard. Oh god yes! Oh...My.... Oh....Oh....Ah....." I pant as I feel the wave come over me. I can't do anything but lay there. I feel the crash as my body starts to pulsate, everything twitching wildly.

"Oh, fuck... I'm there. I'm going to blow!" Derek shouts. I feel his pulsating cock start to shoot his creamy white cum into the condom. Derek ceases motion and closes his eyes as he feels his body come down from the climax that just too him over. He continues to spurt as I continue to milk him.

"Uh huh... I like that," I say with a nod, my eyes closed. I am exhausted. "Let's get rid of my bed."

"It is good. Very good." He agrees as he stays there. "Bed stays. Bed is for sleeping. Every surface is for fucking." He is so right. Dear God don't let him get feelings again. Let's not have emotional talks. Please.

Thankfully he rolled over. He rolled over like a man and fell asleep. I don't know about you, but I don't do that. I can stay awake after sex. But boys, they revert to their little kid selves and conk out quickly. I look at him as he sleeps, so spent and exhausted. I have to say, he made an impressive show and I guess if I were him, I'd be tired too.

I know that Derek is that guy you hold onto. Derek is the guy that you love forever and ever, and yet I have a hard time doing that. I have a hard time doing anything that involves emotion, and I guess you could say that stems from having a very cold mother. Then again, I had a loving grandmother on my father's side. I guess I don't have an excuse for my behavior. You can walk into the grocery store and see kids misbehaving, and then you see the shoppers complaining. Some say it's the parents fault. Others say the kid should know better. So what's wrong with me? Who's fault is it that I'm like this?

-------------------

I am forever laying in this bed, me laying like a whore. See, whores don't sleep. Not the real kind of whore. Not the ones that lack emotional connections and feeling of regret. No, these whores just lay there and stare at the ceiling, just the same as when they are getting rammed by a cock. I wonder how long Derek will put up with my crap? He makes a long trip every weekend now, and I'm the same. I haven't changed a bit. I still wince when he kisses me. I still can't accept the love he throws onto me like a veil.

"What's the matter, Mer?" Derek asks as he comes from behind and places his hands on my shoulders. I do love him, but I wonder, do I drag him into the abyss with me?

"Nothing, why do you ask?" I question, knowing full well why he asks. He asks because I look miserable, and the truth is, I am miserable. I am miserable and have no idea how I am supposed to pull myself out. Poor weak Meredith.

"You just look, sad." He points out as he leans down and kisses me. I have everything. I am in a good place with a guy that loves me, and I can't seem to improve. I can't seem to accept it. I guess I will make a hardcore surgeon, no feelings. No compassion.

"I'm not sad." I lie as I sigh. The sigh is how I release everything and make myself just a touch more human. Being human is a good thing when you are around someone so great.

See, Derek loves me. I can feel it. I lay in bed, and I can feel the love between us. They say you don't have to say it, you need to feel it. I do. I feel it so strong. I feel it like a magnet, and as I draw closer to him, my polarization changes and once again, I am pushed away. I can honestly say, Derek is perfect. His perfection is enough to make me almost okay, and yet I feel guilty laying beside him every night.

I know there is a bubbly blond out there for him. Not a dirty almost brown haired blonde like me. Not a girl who half the time has food on her shirt and crumbs in her hair. Not a girl with dirt under her fingernails and hands rougher than his. There is a girl like Izzie who would love to cook him dinner and put his slippers by the door when he gets off work. I am not that girl. I'm Meredith, more concerned about myself than anyone else.

Derek thinks we're happy. He fights the good fight everyday and I am kind enough to let him think that he is succeeding. He isn't. I give him little rays of hope, and yet there is none. He is in a delusion, thinking we are a blissful couple, the perfect couple even. He wants things. He wants kids and houses and rings and trust. He wants everything that I can't so. He wants all the stuff I have never had or known. He wants to marry me and carry me on his arm. He must be strong, because he can't even feel my heels digging in the earth in fear. I am leaving trenches and he drags me along like nothing. It's not that he doesn't care, he is just oblivious.

"I love you, Mer." He says softly. That is the glue that keeps me together for a short moment, and I have a feeling he knows it. Maybe he isn't as dumb as I think he is. Perhaps he pities me and he is trying to make me whole again. I am his mission. Even if it is fact, it is his suicide mission and I wonder if it makes me feel any less guilt or him more noble.

"Uh huh." I say. Some days I can get the words out, other days I cannot. Some days I feel that I can be there in that happy place. Some days I feel like I could have it all. I could be the soccer mom and a surgeon. I could have a family that adores me and I could be happy. Then reality crashes down that I am cold like my mother and incapable of love. And then of course, me saying this makes me weak and pathetic. Not to mention selfish because I'm not even really trying.

"Are you ever going to love me?" He teases. He knows in his heart that I do in my own way. But he doesn't realize how hard I am fighting everything that he wants. I wonder if he will wake up. I wonder if I will be brave and go one way or the other, telling him it is over and that he needs to move on; or telling him I love him and I want it all, really meaning it this time.

"Hmmm" I moan, my standard response, stuck in that place. "I do... Love you." I say halfheartedly. He will never know how much. Not unless I tell him. Yeah right, Meredith talk about her feelings.

He wants to get me a ring. He wants to marry me. He actually has plans of taking this nasty junkyard dog into his million dollar home and making me look like I fit in. I'm a surgeon. I'm that dog, knowing my job and focused on that. I'm not going to do well when he expects love and affection. I'm not going to do well when he gives me my plush bed, the one with the heater inside. I have weathered the storm, and I kind of like the rain on my face That's the problem, I think. Maybe I secretly like the cold Meredith Grey, Maybe I don't want to change. Maybe I will always be this way. Cold.

_In a perfect world, I could tell you Meredith and Derek lived happily ever after. I could tell you that in a perfect world...._

_**THE END! **_

_**Thanks for reading!! I left it open for sequel. Unfortunately, some people don't see the light. Not everything ends happily. And sometimes, it does.**_


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